Friday, October 29, 2010
Migraines madden me and make for scrambled thoughts. I can't serve those with toast and call them a breakfast delicacy so I simply fry them up in my brain-pan and season them with occasional rhyme if not reason. When the devil in my grey matter jabs me with his pointed fork like this, I want to war with my senses; to battle with the pain until it whimpers in fear and dissolves into a quiet nothing. I want to send it to the corner for a permanent time out; to banish it from the kingdom of my joy.
I love the rain. If I could wear essence of petrichor, I would. Petrichor -- the scent of the rain on dry earth...so heady and delicious; deeply sensual; primal and true. I love the glorious music rain makes as it splashes and dashes, and leaps from the burgeoning sky onto my roof. I delight in the playful puddles that ask me to join them as I wander past. I revel in the water as it hits my skin, dousing my hair and dripping off my eyelashes. I appreciate the visual glory of sheets of water running vertically across the horizon, individual drops creating ripples in a pond, or families of raindrops found hanging on a spider's web in the morning. I really, truly love the rain.
What I do not love is the pressure front that comes with it. This silent migraine inducer that brings with it nausea, light sensitivity, scrambled speech, and intense pain. If I could have rain without barometric pressure, I'd be a happy woman indeed.
Tonight, however, and despite this awful migraine,I choose to celebrate the glory of the water currently coming from the sky. I give thanks for the lullaby it will sing to me. As I get ready to climb into my pre-warmed bed, I count my blessings, hum along with the music that is rainfall, and pray for sleep and for respite from the cranky devil that lives in my gray matter. Wish me luck. I think I might need it.
© Tanya Anguita
Sunday, October 24, 2010
and it reminded me why I write these and why this exercise is so good for me. It reminded me why I spend my time trying to live from a place of gratitude. Why I try to keep open and vulnerable even having been hurt. It reminded me why I put myself out here even when it is scary.
I write these and strive to live from a place of gratitude because I want to keep my heart open to all of my emotions...the ones deemed easy and the ones viewed as difficult because, as she points out so clearly, you can't numb one part of you without numbing all of you....and I don't want to live a numbed life. I just don't.
I want to live a complete, whole life...one with the full gamut of feelings and emotions. I want to live a life that is full and rich and rounded...even when it might feel safer to put the difficult feelings in a box, or stuff them down with a cookie, or a gin and tonic, or a shopping spree.
I don't pretend that living from the heart is easy. It isn't, but it sure is rewarding as a whole. I have my ups and downs just like everyone else, but I'd so much rather live from my heart, and be open, than try to stuff my emotions, or to cover my feelings up with a blanket of indifference. I have big emotions...I choose to feel them. Even when it is painful, my life is richer for it because I do.
When those feelings are ones of hurt, or anger, or doubt, when I'm struggling with Depression and Anxiety, when I'm having a moment of self-loathing, yeah, sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't feel like I was going to be consumed by those very uncomfortable emotions. They're difficult and often miserable, and they sometimes they just plain suck.
That being said, I wouldn't trade the way that I feel love, and joy, and laughter, and the passion and the strength and the self-love that I am capable of because I feel so deeply for all of the money in the world. If I have to sit in the "darker" sensations in order to experience the light the way that I do, then I'm OK with sitting in the dark from time to time.
I want to feel everything because I want to stay connected...to myself, to my feelings, and to my friends and family.
The place where I sometimes find myself getting lost and where I lose sight of the balance of things, is that it is okay...genuinely OKAY...to not be okay in front of other people.
I forget that just as I love my friends however they are in the moment (happy, sad, hurt, giddy, angry, heartbroken, wildly loved), chances are high, they feel the same about me. I forget that it is okay to call on my friends, even if we haven't spoken in a while, and say "I'm having a rough day, and I just needed to hear a friendly voice." I'm always deeply honored when my friends choose to do that with me. I'm never anything but happy when someone I haven't heard from in a long time reaches out to me. And I love it when people share with me....the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly.
I'm the first person to say and mean "however you are is okay with me." I truly mean that. However you are is okay with me. I also mean it when I say "call me if you need me." I'm genuine when I make those statements.
I have a big heart. I love my friends and family. I am completely comfortable with expressing my love for others, and I am genuine in the desire to offer an ear or a shoulder when it is needed. I am okay with being the first person to tell another that I love them. I am fine with that kind of vulnerability, and I don't worry about the possible rejection in doing so, because I understand that I love how I love and that isn't predicated on being loved in return.
Where I lose sight of my comfort with vulnerability, is that I have a tough time with the idea that I will still be loved when I'm "not okay".
Along those lines, I also watched the piece in the following link today (thank you Rose). It is all about vulnerability and connection. It is about 20 minutes long but it really is worth every minute. I started to cry when she got to the end.
What I'm going to say next is not a fishing expedition. Please understand this. It is me processing and sharing.
What I realized, and have been struggling with for most of my life is that I have spent so much of my life feeling like I'm NOT "fill-in-the-blank" enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not good enough, not talented enough, not funny enough, not compassionate enough, not strong enough, etc., etc., etc. I have felt this way while simultaneously feeling like I'm TOO "fill-in-the-blank" in other ways. Too intense, too needy, too trusting, too open, too moody,too young, too old, too flaky, too fat, too stupid, too...whatever.
I have joked in the past that "I want to be perfect yesterday." In striving for this ridiculous and unattainable notion of "perfection" I've paralyzed myself from actual growth. In the process I've often heard myself utter the sentence "I'm not _____ enough but I'm too _______." What a ridiculously vicious and un-winnable cycle I set up for myself. It is a thought pattern that has only served to keep me stuck.
Well I grew tired of being stuck. Over the course of the past year and a half, I've been working hard at living from a place of gratitude. I've also been working hard at embracing my imperfection, and allowing myself to do things that I'm not good at. I have come to a place in my life where I genuinely love and like myself, and that is such a relief.
The good news is that I think I'm also starting to finally and very slowly embrace the notion that however I am is enough. That I am enough exactly how I am...right now....today...this moment. Up, down, abundant or depleted....I am enough.
I still get scared sometimes that I am going to be "too much." I still have a hard time with expressing my unhappiness when I'm feeling it, but I'm also finally grokking that I'm not an island unto myself. I need my friends when things get rough, and I need the support of my community. If I try to hide when I'm down because I "don't want to get it on anyone" then I'm keeping myself from experiencing support and connection and true friendship.
In essence, I'm robbing someone else of the opportunity to feel like they get to be there for another person. In addition, by doing so, I'm not affording someone else the opportunity to open up to me. How can they truly open up to me, if I'm not willing to also show my vulnerability?
If I continue to keep myself to myself, then this keeps me disconnected....and leaves me feeling unsupported. The worst part is that I've done it to myself. I know, intellectually, that there are any number of people I CAN call when things are tough, but when I'm down, I forget TO call, because emotionally I don't want to be a "bother" or a "burden" to anyone, and I'm finally really getting that this is just plain silly!
Well tonight I'm calling myself on my own hypocritical bullshit because it does not serve me, and does not allow for the kind of openness that I strive to live by. I call myself on it because I cannot expect anyone to truly trust me, to truly rely on me, or to know that I am there for them, if I don't show them my weaknesses too.
So tonight, this reminder is what I am most thankful for. I know I've got a remarkable support network. I am blessed with a wealth of people who I love and who love me. I have a beautiful treasury of amazing people in my life who offer themselves to me with genuine love and affection. I just have to allow myself to accept those things as freely as they are given...and to remember that I also offer those things and mean them when I say them, so I have to trust other people's genuineness too.
I'm thankful for the the happy accident of clicking on a link that Rose was gracious enough to share. It has given me wonderful food for thought.
Thank you, Rose. And thank you, my friends, for your love and patience with me while I grow. There is so much love in my heart for you. So much love. Thank you.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Fat 'n' Sassy
The Moon tonight
Fat 'n' Sassy,
more than little bit
She knows she's glorious
in all her guises
as she struts across
the darkening sky
with the easy grace
of a well-loved woman.
A sensual swagger in her hips,
a secret kiss on her lips,
She rubs her
burgeoning October belly -
and winks at her sisters below.
With a stretch and a purrrrr,
she lets out a quiet hum,
full of the night's contentment,
and smiles benevolently
at the Autumn stars.
Wrapped in a cloak of clouds,
bathed in the first smattering of rain,
she Owns this October night...
She Knows it.
© Tanya Anguita
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
i'm tired of watching my friends lives get buggered sideways over and over again, and frankly, i'm tired of being fucked sideways with sand and gravel for lube too.
this year has had a lot of good in it, and i give thanks for that fact...and i do so wholeheartedly. i don't take the good for granted and most days i try to live with that at the forefront of my mind, but frankly, as a whole? this year has truly sucked. there has been too much heartache, too much constant stress, too much upheaval, too much nastiness, too much hurtfulness, too much death, too much illness,too much deceit, too many hurts, and far too much pain and self-doubt caused by shitty behavior on other people's parts. seriously. fuck that noise!
we all deserve a little comfort and happiness and we all deserve a break. my friends and i deserve to be financially stable, to have jobs, to be able to buy and not lose our houses, to be able to believe in, trust and rely on the partners we've chosen. we deserve to be able to feed ourselves and our families. we deserve good health for ourselves and our loved ones, and we deserve care and treatment that won't bankrupt us along the way to get there.
let the whining commence:
i spent my morning being given electrical shocks which were followed by being jabbed by a metal wire that was supposed to "hear" how my muscles/nerves are working together. and you know what? it fucking hurt and it made me cry and the news i got from it is that i definitely have nerve damage at C6 that is causing some muscle deterioration in my left arm. so i've been told that i can't yet do any physical exercise beyond walking and that i need to "be careful" so that i can "avoid back surgery, if possible." oh fucking joy. i get to find out what that really means on november 5. i love so much that my doctor is so busy that I have to wait another 3 freaking weeks before I get clear results.
after that little adventure i trekked to work today like a good kid, and found out i'd fucked up on billing something, and that i'd forgotten to book a room for an important meeting. the good news on those things is that i got old billings reduced and reversed by asking the right questions and i booked a better, more neutral room for the very charged meeting. good from bad, but still. i hate it when i make dumb mistakes.
and then? then, i got a phone call from princess-rubs-her-pregnant-belly-while-manipulating-me telling me that escrow closes on friday for the place i live and and that she'd like to come over this weekend (hahahahahaha!) to chat about the "upcoming transition." well fuck me! i don't "want" to "chat" with you about anything, woman!
what part of I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING MOVE has the universe missed? i'm tired of moving. i've done it so many times in the past few years and i don't want to do it again. I haven't even lived here a year yet. November 25 is my 1 year anniversary of living here. i love my place. it is the right size, it feels like home, there is lots of light, i feel safe here, and i have lovely sunsets every night. it is also the right price for me. i've looked every couple of days for other places just in case, and there is nothing comparable. not. one. thing. not that i can afford anyway. arrrrrrrrrgh!
plus, with my neck damage, i can't do the packing and lifting that is necessary to do the moving thing. in addition, i can't afford to move. with my stupid job i can't afford to save. wtf am i supposed to do?
i'm so tired of being stressed out all of the damned time. so so so so tired of it. i know i'm not alone in this. i see it in so many of the beloved faces i'm blessed to be surrounded by. it breaks my heart that so many of us are so damaged by this year. i'm so tired of watching my dear friends also being on the brink of breakdown at all times. i have so many good people in my life. and i am a good person. i want life to treat them and me accordingly. we deserve some lasting good to balance out all of the hell and mayhem we've been through.
And today...for just one 5 minute malicious increment...i also want the people who treat others poorly, who use them for their own gain, who break friendship rules, who back out of commitments with no communication, who feed their egos at others' expenses, and who don't live with integrity...I want those people to have karma bite them in the ass. yep...today...for 5 minutes...i'm allowing my vindictive poisonous self to speak. sometimes my inner bitch gets to come out to play too...and today...i'm feeling rabid. stand the fuck back.
i just want things to calm down. for life to stop throwing everyone i know major curve-balls. i want to sleep and wake up rested, instead of having nightmares and waking up feeling like i've been working out the problems of the universe in my not so restful sleep.
As Shari R. Barr says "Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." but still...I can hope, right? I have to be able to live with myself so I do my best to live with integrity and kindness in my heart, but some days...it isn't easy...and today? Well...today is one of them....today all of the stressors I've been trying to work around in my heart and head feel like lots of straw on this poor camel's back and today? well i have to say...today? can go fuck itself...with sand and cayenne lube. Yes. Yes it can.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I’m proud of myself for setting Monday nights as home/recovery nights. I need them and the quiet that comes with them. In the past I would have booked every single night of the week instead of just most of them, but I seem to be slowly learning the art of saying “Hey! I need time for me too.” It is a good thing. A nice lesson to be learning and living, and one I desperately needed.
In addition, I’m giving myself permission to do nothing on Mondays. I know I have photos to edit, papers to sort through, a house to tidy, etc, but last night I caught up on the rest of the Glee episodes I had missed instead. All of them except last week’s which I just watched. It was nice to do something mindless and relaxing and to be okay with doing just that.
Tonight I sing my gratitudes for:
1) Giving myself permission to do nothing and to do so without guilt.
2) The blessed hilarity of our Sunday Commedia show. Bird is the word and Cry Me a River and Shirt Ripping oh my! So much laughter. So much good.
3) Sea Dog Prom … it was silly and fun.
4) Getting to talk with Monique. Sometimes just hearing her voice makes me feel calm and good. Here’s to 20 years of friendship thus far, Dear One! I love you!
5) Getting to talk with Laura. Good and good for me! YAY!
6) Tidying my apt while I talked on the phone so that I got up to a relatively orderly home this morning.
7) Lunch with Patrick today! Thank you for wonderful conversations and for weathering the incredible shedding tree of doom. Too much funny that!
8) Transferring all of my writing over to my blog and realizing just how prolific I’ve been this past year ½. I’m proud of so many of the pieces I’ve written and it feels really good to be able to say that.
9) The fact that, much as I love taking pictures, I’ve not taken any during this faire. I know that is a funny thing to write, but what I mean by it is that I haven’t taken them because I can’t face taking the time to edit them right now, and recognizing that fact is another form of self-care and growth.
10) Being in bed by 10:30ish tonight…which I’m about to go and do.
Friday, October 8, 2010
It has been one hell of a year, hasn't it? For so many of us. Ups, downs, births, deaths, love, heartache, sickness, health, new jobs, unemployment, pulling together, growing apart, and all of it... beautiful and challenging and crazy making and part of who we are now... TODAY... this instant...in part because of it.
What a miracle every single day is. The ugly days give birth to beautiful ones. The difficulty to the mirror of our friendships and how they reflect back to us the breathtaking generosity of spirit that can exist in ourselves and in our friends and family. Truly...I am in awe sometimes by the small miracles that are created when kindness is shared, when compassion is given and felt, when forgiveness exists and when love can conquer all.
Tonight, I should be sleeping, but I just somehow couldn't go to bed without singing my gratitudes for:
1) Tonight was our first Broadside meeting of the season. Thank you, Laura for taking the helm and for a lovely first gathering. Well done, Princess Stalkerina. I love you. And may I just say MONKEY MINTS!!!! YAY!
2) Lunch with Judith today. Hooray! You are a Joy! Thank you!
3) The conversations I've gotten and continue to get to share with Robin. You are a blessing, dear one. :) YAY!
4) Having over a year of Gratitudes to go back to for perspective and as a history. What a wonderful, self-replicating exercise this is.
5) The sunset tonight was beautiful.
6) Having a rather efficient afternoon at work. That always feels good.
7) I said it a year ago and I'll say it again today. POPSICLES for the win!
8) Soft flannel.
9) All of the yummies in store for this weekend. :) YAY!
10) Recognizing that I need to sleep more than I need to pack tonight, but somehow not more than I needed to write this! LOL! I'm so tired it almost aches.
There is something about recognition that propels me forward. Recognition of things that are good, recognition of the focus and follow-through it takes for me to write these, recognition of the internal reward I get when I recall the things that make life sweeter, recognition of the difficult and ugly things that are sometimes harder to find the positive in and the recognition that it really IS up to me to decide how I look at things from moment to moment.
I’m blessed by the brilliant conversationalists in my life. I find that I need them to thrive, and that the blessing of intelligent discourse is that it helps me to grow and to view things from angles that I might not have otherwise stepped around the established ones to view them from.
Tonight I sing the gratitudes for:
1) Brilliant conversationalists and the dialogues that ensue.
2) Kind assistance
3) Clean laundry
4) The unexpected peace that I feel in my heart tonight.
5) Anna for lending me her lights, and the fact that they’re now winding their way back to her. :) Thank you, Honey!
7) Karen Mack. Yep, I’m thankful to and for you.
8) The beauty of crisp, clear Autumn days and the miraculous slanty light that happens during this time of the year.
9) Lunch with Liz and the hilarity of the pelican squirrel moment. *giggle* Thanks for sharing a slap-happy moment or two and some excellent conversation with me today!
10) Rudy’s Can’t Fail Café and the OMG nom BBQ Pulled Chicken Sandwich. And the joy of eating pumpkin pie first…because we’re
adults…and we can!
11) Recognizing that this is a form of meditation for me…writing these. That it stills and focuses my mind. What a blessing.
12) An exciting opportunity to see West Side Story in November. Thank you, Patrick! :)
13) Finding 13 things to be thankful for. :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I’m no Pollyanna. I can’t always find the good in things, and quite often I wallow in my unhappy. During bad bouts of Depression with a capital D (ah Depression…such a colossal pain in my ass!), I sometimes simply (er, well no, complexly I guess) can’t find a way out of the sub-basement of my serotonin messy mind …nor can I find my way to gratitude when it gets really dark in here.
But MOST of the time, I CAN, if I remember to, make a choice about how I’m viewing a situation, which often leads me to find a way to be thankful for some aspect of it, or to have compassion for some participant in it (yes, even myself) and that can make all the difference in how it affects me. I like that I got that in a really concrete way tonight. I really, really like that.
Tonight I sing my gratitudes for:
1) Being able to buy groceries.
2) The clarity that brought me.
3) Trader Joe’s really does rock my socks.
4) Feeling beautiful for moments here and there. This sentence is not a fishing expedition. It is an acknowledgement of self. I lost sight of my own beauty somewhere and I’m starting to catch glimpses of it out of the corner of my spirit again. Internal and external beauty. It is nice to find in myself again.
5) Chatting with Holly tonight.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
These past two weeks have been richly blessed with old friends that I haven't seen in a long time coming out of the woodwork, and it feels a lot like “old home week”! You know that magic happenstance that sometimes occurs with people in your life that you haven't seen in a while? The one where it feels like you're picking the conversation back up right where you left off? And it feels like you left off just yesterday... only the reality is that it has now been a year, or 5 years, or 10 or 15 years? Well I've been blessed by the magic of the "I haven't seen you in forever but it doesn't matter" Fairy this week, and I love it. My heart feels at rest because of it. I am SO lucky! YAY! Hooray for life's "forever friends" coming home to roost.
Hooray for those moments in life where you realize that love and friendship are a daily miracle and that they should never be taken for granted. Hooray for perspective that only certain people can afford you and for the ability to afford someone else the same. Hooray!
So, I’m sitting here on the couch in my jammies, reveling in the fact that I am sitting here on the couch in my jammies, and I’m remembering why I’m not always so great about writing these as regularly as I’d like. It seems that I find myself compelled to type these when I really should be sleeping. LOL
And …really…I’m not so great at brevity. If brevity is the soul of wit then I guess my wit is soul-less. *giggle*
In an attempt to make up for that fact, and without further ado, tonight I sing my gratitudes for:
1) Cat Burton – college roommate extraordinaire, dear friend who my heart loves no matter the amount of time apart, a brilliant, warm and funny woman, and all around delightful person. I swear to god you haven’t aged and you are so beautiful inside and out that it is breathtaking! Thank you for making lunch happen today. More! Soon! I love you!
2) Unexpected nights to myself. I needed the down time.
3) Giving myself permission to slack tonight. It sounds ridiculous, but I’m really bad about just doing nothing when I’m home. Doing nothing tonight was exactly what I needed.
4) Glee. I loves it. Nuff said!
5) Sitting here on the couch in my jammies, reveling in the fact that I am sitting here on the couch in my jammies!
6) Friendships that pick up where they left off. :)
7) Finding several recipes for Congress Tarts online. I can’t wait to have the time to try them out. These are lovely raspberry almond paste tartlets that my Gran used to make. I loved them as a child and can’t wait to make them myself.
8) HOORAY for the word HOORAY!
9) Silliness. It makes the world a better place.
10) Intelligent political discourse. Thank you Jack & Kevin in particular.
11) Scott for pointing me in the direction of this man’s amazing blog. I really like his voice in general, but this piece on bullying is remarkable and very important: http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/memoirs-of-bullied-kid.html
And now, I think sleep needs to occur. :) G’night!
I wrote this whole thing out last night only to have my computer freeze up and to lose it all so I opted for sleep instead. LOL I had the tired something fierce. Stayed up until 1:30 Sunday night talking with my house guest as she was getting ready to leave Monday. I miss her already!
Last night I got some Katie time and we ate sushi and it was good.
So in an attempt to recreate last night's post, I sing yesterday's gratitudes for:
1) Time with Katie. Always joyful. Always good. So necessary for my spirit's well-being. Such a blessing!
2) Sushi. Nom. Nom. Nommity Nom!
3) I'm thankful for all of the amazing photographers who are coming to faire and taking photos. It is so wonderful to see our crazy village through someone else's eyes, and I always learn from looking at other people's work. I'm talking about Tom Trevor, John Benincasa and Chris Cochems in particular at this moment. Thank you, Gentlemen for sharing your gift with us! Truly!
4) Getting to sleep in my own bed for the first time in over a week. YAY!
5) Clean Sheets. Loves me some clean sheets!
6) The excitement that I get to see Cat today! Eeeeee! It has been FAR too long!
7) Purchasing pretty underthings. www.figleaves.com rocks! :)
8) Starting to feel at peace with myself again. I'm more thankful for this than I can even begin to express. So so thankful.
9) Home made baba ganoush from Katie. OMG YUM!
10) Knowing when to give up and not re-write something when the computer goes boom!
Hee hee! Hooray
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Please forgive glaring punctuation errors, etc.
Tonight I sing the gratitudes for:
1) My extended Commedia Family and our own little Sesame Strada enclave of silliness. Thank you! Thank you for being so wonderful and smart and talented and funny! Thank you!
2)The fact that we had Rocco back with us this weekend. Made my heart happy. :)
3) Molly Drew. I'm thankful for Molly and all that she is and all that she does. Truly. Thank you. (Oh...and Amarylli....she slays me ;))
4) Cybele's pumpkin pancakes! Nommity NOM!
5) Laughter, laughter, laughter, laughter, ow ow ow ow, can't breathe LAUGHTER!
6) Richard...for being a joy. Thank you, Sweets! Seeing you made me smile!
7) Good shows with moments of side-splitting WRONG! Hee hee! Hooray!
8) AMAZINGLY lovely Tapas in Gilroy with J.B. & Cybele. Tasty! Let's go back now! :) And our randomness while looking for supplies and ending up with socks and other silliness...oh and did I mention Laughter?
9) High Five! Yeah bitches...you know it. ;)
10) The perfection of the weather today. So nice after last weekends cookers!
11) Seeing Amy, Bill, Amy and the rest of their wonderful entourage on Saturday. :)
12) Being so comfy while camping. I'd forgotten how comfy and cozy one could be. And how much I love the cool air on my face and the chorus of crickets singing to me as I drift off to sleep. It is lovely to re-discover. :)
13) Having a day today of feeling comfortable in my skin again after a long while of feeling off. It was nice to feel centered and happy. So nice. What a blessing.
14) All of the hugs, interactions, affection and goodness that comes with the extended faire village.
15) Being home safe and knowing that shortly I will also be clean. AND that not long after that I will be sleeeeeeping.
Hooray for this weekend. Hooray! :)
Friday, October 1, 2010
Things I'm singing the gratitudes for today include:
1) Payday after a very difficult month financially.
2) Being back to full paycheck after a year of 5% pay-cut due to budget hell. Not a huge increase but an increase never-the-less and when you make small amounts of money, every penny counts. Hooray!
3) Clean laundry. All done. Yay.
4) Writing as a form of release. Sometimes what I write isn't super cheery, but it sure is cathartic. :) I wrote a couple of very depressing pieces today and posted them on my blog page so that I'd have them somewhere, but dang...not so cheerful.
5) A couple of hours alone in my home tonight. I love my friends and house-guests, but I'm peopled out. A couple of hours with me should help that immeasurably.
6) The anticipation of seeing and playing with dear friends tomorrow at the Faire. I'm really looking forward to the quick wits and easy laughter. Thank goodness for it!
7) Being given permission by a couple of dear friends to have bad days when I need to and to cry and complain from time to time when things get tough.
8) I'm thankful for Glen. Nuff said. :) I just am. You know why. Thank you!
9) Autumn light.
10) That moment right after the refrigerator stops humming.
11) Excellent and honest conversations. Thank you Garrett! You are a blessing and a joy!
i can not find my honor
i know only loneliness
in the isolating winter
that is my soul in pain
the absence of joy -
like a gaping hole in my heart -
consumes me whole;
spitting out the bones of my happiness,
leaving them in the unrelenting sun
to bleach into nothingness.
depression stalks me,
like a rabid predator.
mad with hunger and incapable of mercy,
i can feel its breath at my back;
teeth nipping at my flesh.
i am tempted
to let it catch me
and rip me to shreds;
to relax into the awfulness
of its pervasive cruelty;
to give in to that perfect and painless sleep
never to wake again.
there is no light now
only harm and hurt
and the vague sense at my worst
that death might be better than this
but i can not
and i will not
give in to that morbid longing
for of all the acts that can be committed
that is not one of mercy
we do not leave
the schoolyard of life so easily.
© Tanya Anguita
The landscape of a weary heart resembles the open desert on a cold moonless night.
Spread out before you on the bleak internal landscape is a banquet of gnawing hunger saturated with pain and longing, a tireless thirst born of sorrows, a chill that seeps into the soul,and the cruel mirage of a distant, lingering hope on the horizon.
The closer you get to the lushness of the mirage, the more trusting in its existence you become. Running towards it with open arms, exhausting your final reserves to get there, you arrive at the place you believed it to be and find the reality of your situation instead.
There you discover that there is no pool to drink from, nothing to quench your parched spirit, no fulfillment and no comfort offered to you. There is, in fact, no one waiting patiently to soothe your aching heart. You are alone with your sorrows and all you have in front of you is more desert, and the continued illusion of hope that you've carried on your back for all these miles and all these months in a bid to replenish your supply.
Too devastated to cry, you drop to the dusty earth and in the silence of your despair, you hear the faint but somehow steady thump of life pulsing through your veins. This is your heart's steady insistence that you and it are somehow still alive.
In a moment of clarity, you realize that this rhythm of survival is what gets you through the burning desert days. This rhythm of necessity is what keeps one foot moving in front of the other. You recognize that somewhere in that rhythm, love and courage are there to carry you each burning footstep towards something you imagine, you hope, you wish will be better. This rhythm keeps you moving through the blinding sunlight.
In the bleakness of the desert night, however, you find that there is only you and your sorrows to keep you warm against the coldness of your shattered life.
There is only you and the silver ribbons of wishful thinking shining through the clouds of doubt and uncertainty.
There is only you and the distant mountains of prayer standing out from the harshness of the desert's shimmering bed.
So there you stand, bleak, cold, and broken -- your spirit frozen by the harsh night's chill -- with your heartstrings tangled up in the prickly arms of the cactus of loneliness that stands at the center of it all.
Your soul bleeds its hurts out onto the dusty desert floor, as the cruel sun starts is ascent once again on the horizon of your damaged, war torn life. Weeping bitter tears you once again place one exhausted foot in front of the other as you head toward the next mirage. The one you believe will change it all, but never does.
© Tanya Anguita