Getting pneumonia is incredibly humbling. Recovering from pneumonia is equally humbling. It has been a little over a month since I got sick, and while I no longer have the cough or fever, I still get tired by doing simple things like going for a walk, or staying up past 9:30 p.m. It is very hard to explain the kind of tired one gets to anyone who hasn't had it themselves. To say that I want nothing more than to sleep all the time is an understatement. For those who know me, this will make it clearer -- I've did nothing social for the better part of a month. I went home, ate dinner and was in bed by 9 and was STILL wiped out. Every day I woke up hoping that "today will be the day I feel like my normal energetic self again." It was...special. I mean to tell you. And, as mentioned, incredibly humbling. I am back to 90%. I'm thankful for that and it makes me have a greater empathy for those who struggle with this sort of exhaustion/discomfort on a daily basis due to chronic illness or pain. I am truly in awe.
So here I am. It is February 7 and I haven't written anything since the beginning of December. As a matter of fact, I've been pretty quiet since about September and I am realizing that I feel saner and more fulfilled when I write more often so I think I'm going to make a goal of writing something (good, bad or indifferent) at least once a week for this coming year. Maybe it will be a week's worth of positives, maybe it will be something else. I'll just see where it takes me.
And because I don't like to post writings without images, I guess that means I'll have to take at least one decent photo a week this year too...which means I need to start carrying my camera with me again and making the time for editing said photos.
Hmmm...I think I like how this is shaping up. Planning for creativity and catharsis. It sounds so healthy. Perhaps I'll try it. *wink*
I find myself re-framing my perceived failures this afternoon. I've been feeling stuck in several places in my life and I am trying to find my way out of the maze I've created in my mind. I'm starting to take steps though...and I'm finding that things I thought of as failures are really just flagstones on this walk called life. I needed to stand on them to get my footing so that I can get to the next place.
The flagstones I'm just stepping onto include taking every career counseling workshop I can get my hands on at work, and starting the apartment hunt in earnest (complete with creepy old curmudgeonly Chinese man who checked me out, asked if my mother "married another Gringo", told me he was an equal opportunity hater, and told me not to ask him to bring me toilet paper. I kid you not.) Also...I'm looking at joining the gym here at UC and seeing if I can start some regular exercise again after several months of inactivity. Please cross fingers for me. I need to get in shape to feel healthy and good in my skin.
So without further babbling, tonight I sing my gratitudes for:
1) Re-framing my thoughts to healthy ones.
2) Being in the 90% of my healing process.
3) Amazing Saturdays. Spent the day doing a Blue & Gold Fleet Scenic Bay Tour with Katie, Michael and Chuck which included a sorbet stop at Ben and Jerry's, a ride on the Pier 39 Carousel, much laughter and an amazing dinner at Scoma's. Such a fantastic, beautiful, perfect day. With weather sent by the kindness gods. Yum!
March 7, 2012
A month has gone by and I am realizing that I still haven't been writing, or doing much in the way of anything creative this winter. I'm plodding along but not feeling in touch with my creative self and mostly that has been ok...but I kind of miss that part of me...that me. The one who is compelled to write, to take photos, to dance, to sing...the one who needs to be doing those things to feel alive. I'm not depressed. In fact, in a lot of ways I'm quite content these days...and maybe that is it right there. I haven't created a practice of creativity in my life. My writing, etc., has thus far been fueled by deep emotion or a NEED to get it out instead forming some sort of a habit for happy creativity. Hmmm.... at any rate...I miss it. So here I am. Recognizing it as a first step...and once I'm settled in a new home I *will* write weekly and photograph regularly.
I do have to say that recognizing that I can't do everything at once has been a huge step in the right direction for me. Househunting has been the main priority. Today I also started taking the stairs every hour at work again. I've done it 4 times today. My legs are sore which is a measure of how out of shape I actually am. I also calendared myself for cancan rehearsals again. At the very least I can go and stretch, right? Not now..but in about a month when I'm all settled. And stair walking as a break feels good and useful.
So yes...today I sing my gratitudes for
4) Honoring the recognition of setting simple priorities and not over-committing so that I can focus.
5) Taking the necessary step to do SOMETHING healthy -- those stairs are good.
6) www.livestrong.com is a godsend for tracking my caloric intake so that even though I've been inactive, I haven't put on much weight in the past 4 months. I'm proud of myself for that. There is something about writing down everything one eats that keeps me honest. :)
7) The fact that Katie & Michael's Baby Party went well thanks to the amazing Sabra and to all of their friends. They had fun, everyone had fun, and it was a happy, fun, mellow, playful success.
8) I'm going to take an off-camera flash photography workshop in San Francisco tonight. I'm nervous and excited.
9) Recognizing truths about people one loves and finally getting that I have to change my actions and responses in order to better serve them and me.
10) Affection, respect, consistent touch and healthy communication. Nuff said.
11) The blessing that is my continued friendships. I never ever take my friends for granted. Ever. Thank you for being in my world. Yes. You.
Always a good reminder. ;)