tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42854584811780830562024-02-19T05:43:23.356-08:00When Frogs SingBits and Pieces from a Girl Full of GratitudeTanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.comBlogger170125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-7734635641265153362019-05-14T11:00:00.000-07:002019-05-15T00:56:44.616-07:00A Mother is a Thing UnbornMy soul is tired<br />
I do not sleep<br />
Instead I struggle in the deep.<br />
I fret and worry<br />
Toss and turn<br />
As in my head the worries burn.<br />
Am I this,<br />
Or am I that?<br />
Will I succeed or just fall flat?<br />
(Did I fail her?<br />
Did she die<br />
Because I could not answer "Why"?)<br />
Too much to process!<br />
Too much to take!<br />
The thoughts spin round, their thirst won't slake.<br />
A cup not empty,<br />
A cup not full...<br />
I feel bereft and pitiful.<br />
I love my child.<br />
(And shedrivesmenuts!<br />
With all the ifs and ands and buts!)<br />
I hope I show her<br />
All the things<br />
She needs to thrive as a human being.<br />
A heart that walks<br />
Out side my body<br />
I fret that my strengths are too shoddy.<br />
No right to teach<br />
No Wisdom here<br />
Too many things that feel unclear.<br />
I feel unworthy<br />
Not enough<br />
I'm made of all the broken stuff.<br />
I long to help<br />
My fragile thing,<br />
To help her voice be strong, to sing.<br />
There's love and struggle<br />
Mirrored here,<br />
A mirror full of all my fears.<br />
I want to hand her love and glory<br />
To help her live a braver story<br />
She is my light<br />
And all that's good<br />
She's challenge too, and rich in moods.<br />
I think it is a complex thing<br />
This delicate act<br />
Of Mothering.<br />
A mother is a thing unborn<br />
Until a child comes along<br />
And teaches us to sing this song.<br />
My soul is tired<br />
I do not sleep<br />
Instead I struggle in the deep.<br />
I fret and worry<br />
Toss and turn<br />
As in my head the worries burn.<br />
<br />
(C) Tanya Anguita<br />
<br />
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<br />Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-78257997562371804722019-03-29T23:58:00.000-07:002019-03-30T00:14:49.622-07:00The woman who gave birth to the oceanThis is the story of the woman who gave birth to the Ocean.<br />
This is the story of a river of tears.<br />
This is the story of love and commotion.<br />
This is the story of shedding our fears.<br />
<br />
These are the ancients who laughingly love us.<br />
These are the tales that we tell to survive.<br />
These are the glories that live here among us.<br />
These are the wishes that keep us alive.<br />
<br />
When you're not with me, do you feel lonely?<br />
When I'm alone I am no less in love.<br />
When you're away, my heart sings "if only".<br />
Please come on home, my sweet turtle dove.<br />
<br />
How are the questions the things that can taunt us?<br />
How are the cold stars aligned in the sky?<br />
How often words still unspoken can haunt us!<br />
How many times can a soul ask "but, why?"<br />
<br />
You know that I'm here: complete, warm and waiting.<br />
You know that in truth I sing "YES" to your heart!<br />
You know that I love you without hesitating.<br />
I hope you know nothing can break us apart.<br />
<br />
Trust is a choice that we make with each moment.<br />
Trust is a double edged sword when used ill.<br />
Trust is a thing that we rarely give freely.<br />
I trust you with all of my Self; always will.<br />
<br />
I know what real love is because you have shown me.<br />
I know who I am. I am fierce, strong, and true.<br />
I know that I also am small, scared and weary.<br />
Life's complicated. It seems I am too.<br />
<br />
Love is a gift, one that's given quite freely.<br />
Love is a strength and a gift and a boon.<br />
Love has more faces than a dodecahedron.<br />
Love, so discordant yet so finely tuned.<br />
<br />
So many facets to ponder each morning.<br />
So many parts of one's self to unfold.<br />
So much forgiveness and so many warnings<br />
So much to learn. Here's to lessons untold.<br />
<br />
Finding this love at my age is a blessing.<br />
Finding my way as a mother is too.<br />
Finding myself is an ongoing lesson.<br />
Finding forgiveness for self? Trying to.<br />
<br />
She is enchanting -- my strong, vibrant Daughter<br />
She is the power and strength the world needs<br />
She is a whirlwind, a true Force of Nature<br />
She is the ocean.... a wave at full speed.<br />
<br />
I am Alive like the woman who bore me.<br />
I am so Blessed by the child I bore.<br />
I know the world in a different way now<br />
That I've birthed a whole ocean and walked on it's shore.<br />
<br />
This is the story of the woman who gave birth to the Ocean.<br />
This is the story of a river of tears.<br />
This is the story of love and commotion.<br />
This is the story of sharing our fears.<br />
<br />
(c) Tanya Anguita<br />
2019<br />
<br />
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<br />Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-51466664761303387692018-01-06T00:25:00.002-08:002018-01-06T00:33:04.483-08:00i am a light houseI am a lighthouse,<br />
a lantern waiting in the darkness<br />
to guide you safely to the shores of<br />
your truest Self.<br />
I offer calm moorings<br />
in the shadows of the unknown<br />
and guidance<br />
when you can't find your way.<br />
<br />
I will be here,<br />
come rain or storm,<br />
come stars or sunlight,<br />
on the cliffs of uncertainty<br />
offering solace and shelter,<br />
laughter and love,<br />
patience and understanding.<br />
<br />
I am a lifeboat,<br />
a small craft<br />
built to pull you from difficult waters.<br />
When you think you might be drowning,<br />
I will bring you aboard and wrap you in blankets,<br />
offering you something safe to hold onto<br />
when you are numb with cold<br />
and aching from it.<br />
<br />
I will not let you heed the sirens' lying song of<br />
"not enough...too much...can't... failure"<br />
that lures you to your demise.<br />
I will sing you another one,<br />
softly in your ear<br />
"loved...cherished...seen...as is"<br />
and sing it again,<br />
like a soothing lullaby<br />
until you put your weary head in my lap,<br />
close your tired eyes,<br />
and sleep a restorative sleep.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
I am a flare<br />
that lights up the night,<br />
offering a beacon of assistance<br />
in the worst of your gloom.<br />
When your mind feels lost<br />
and even the Black Dog has abandoned you,<br />
I will shine on your sorrows,<br />
Hold your hand while you face them,<br />
Embrace you while you let them go.<br />
I will bring luminescence<br />
to gently shine in the corners<br />
of your deepest fears<br />
and show you that even those<br />
can be transmuted into loveliness.<br />
<br />
I am a cup of warm cocoa,<br />
hot in your hands on a chilly night,<br />
sweet on your tongue and<br />
comforting to your spirit.<br />
I offer pleasure and ease,<br />
Familiarity and trust,<br />
and a satisfying heat in your belly.<br />
With each sip<br />
I remind you that there is<br />
contentment to be had<br />
in the simplest of things.<br />
<br />
I am the truth mirror<br />
on the wall of your doubt<br />
that sees all of you<br />
human and flawed<br />
imperfect and whole.<br />
I am made to show you<br />
the breathtaking person<br />
that looks into my shining glass.<br />
I see the real you inside you.<br />
Your fear does not define you.<br />
<br />
I am a True Friend<br />
who aspires to be all of these things<br />
and so much more.<br />
I come to you with an open mind,<br />
a full heart,<br />
and the promise to hold you and your friendship<br />
with gratitude and gentle strength<br />
in the safest part of my soul<br />
like the treasure that <b>you</b> and it is.<br />
<br />
You are never alone.<br />
Never forget that.<br />
You are never alone.<br />
<br />
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<br />Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-36364279514624428402017-12-31T00:45:00.000-08:002017-12-31T09:35:58.240-08:00Fallen stars....There are no gold stars tonight,<br />
They have all fallen from the sky<br />
and into my soul.<br />
I've made wishes on them.<br />
Would you like to hear them?<br />
<br />
I wish I may<br />
I wish I might<br />
Wish the wish<br />
I wish<br />
tonight....<br />
<br />
I wish<br />
to<br />
to brush my mouth against yours<br />
so achingly slowly<br />
so gently<br />
you aren't even sure that I'm there,<br />
savor your lips,<br />
our breath catching and mingling<br />
at the pleasure of first contact.<br />
<br />
I wish<br />
to<br />
run at you,<br />
to climb you,<br />
to push you against a wall<br />
your face in my hands,<br />
fingers tangling in each other's,<br />
nibbling and sucking at your bottom lip,<br />
our kisses deepening in a frenzy of<br />
tongues sparring,<br />
teeth nipping,<br />
reveling in the playful glory<br />
of it all.<br />
<br />
I wish<br />
to<br />
run my hands.... well...<br />
Everywhere;<br />
to unbutton your shirt,<br />
unzip your fly,<br />
to undress you,<br />
unmask you,<br />
release you,<br />
to delight in all that you are,<br />
to be a mirror<br />
that shows you your own majesty,<br />
beauty and glory,<br />
to show you with every look,<br />
every touch,<br />
every kiss,<br />
how<br />
<b><i>I</i></b><br />
see<br />
<i><b>You.</b></i><br />
<br />
I wish<br />
for<br />
the taste of your skin<br />
hot on my tongue,<br />
between my teeth,<br />
the scent of our bodies mingling<br />
spicy in the air,<br />
the sounds of gasps<br />
and appreciative moans<br />
making sensual music<br />
as we discover<br />
every driving inch of<br />
each other.<br />
<br />
I wish<br />
to<br />
feel your weight on me,<br />
mine on you,<br />
to crawl under your skin,<br />
wrap myself around you,<br />
feel you fill me,<br />
to take all of you,<br />
in the waning twilight,<br />
our bodies bending with each other,<br />
bracing against each other,<br />
mindless in the moment,<br />
limbs far flung,<br />
tangling and twining;<br />
my push to your plunge<br />
bringing us closer<br />
ever closer<br />
to the brink;<br />
desire fueling desire,<br />
need fueling need,<br />
the magic and mayhem<br />
of senses on overdrive<br />
<br />
i wish<br />
to<br />
feel your hands on my hips<br />
as i grind into yours,<br />
to tangle my fingers in your hair<br />
and pull just hard enough<br />
and then a little harder,<br />
your groans in my ear<br />
and your breath on my face,<br />
our eyes locked<br />
unfiltered<br />
reading each other's expressions,<br />
moving as one,<br />
guiding,<br />
grasping,<br />
thrusting,<br />
muscles tight and ready,<br />
building the flames,<br />
the holy on our lips<br />
as we ride this together<br />
until the end<br />
<br />
i wish<br />
for<br />
the ache to subside,<br />
to be sated<br />
(for the moment),<br />
to be limp with exhaustion,<br />
senseless and satisfied,<br />
worn out by our animal need,<br />
curled up next to you,<br />
sleepy and fulfilled,<br />
the lazy, heavy warmth of you<br />
pressed against me,<br />
so right and so good,<br />
reveling in the taste<br />
you leave<br />
in my mouth.<br />
<br />
You see?<br />
<br />
I am on fire.<br />
You lit the match<br />
And fan the fervency,<br />
of the sensual charge that feeds<br />
the slow burn inside me.<br />
<br />
I am<br />
All too aware<br />
of the desire consuming me whole;<br />
arousal leaves me taut and hungry;<br />
deep in the depth of want,<br />
remembering what it is to be wanted,<br />
wanting want to be fulfilled;<br />
even if it shouldn't be,<br />
won't be,<br />
can't be....<br />
for now.<br />
<br />
I honor that.<br />
I hold the pause in my heart.<br />
That doesn't lessen the longing.<br />
<br />
There are no gold stars tonight,<br />
They have all fallen from the sky<br />
and into my soul.<br />
I've made wishes on them.<br />
Would you like to hear them?<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-7857143730933007782017-12-21T23:35:00.001-08:002017-12-21T23:38:56.369-08:00Fledgling Wings<div dir="ltr">
Hope is all I have.<br />
<br />
She is small,<br />
but Fierce,<br />
and<br />
like me,<br />
she is Enough.<br />
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
She flies on fledgling wings<br />
born of fire and ash.<br />
<br />
She harbors no fugitives<br />
in her newfound feathers.<br />
They are simply there<br />
to help her take flight,<br />
to protect her young,<br />
and to keep her warm<br />
when Doubt attempts<br />
to spreads his chill over her soul.<br />
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
From under the battlements<br />
of Unhappiness<br />
She takes to the air,<br />
Screeching her triumph<br />
Into the storm swept sky.<br />
<br />
She Knows she <i>deserves</i><br />
More than <b><i>This.</i></b><br />
<br />
She would rather go hungry<br />
than eat from the dual carcasses of<br />
Despair and Darkness ever again.<br />
<br />
Defying the burning pyre<br />
that was<br />
supposed to be<br />
Her funerary bed,<br />
She wheels and dances on the wind.<br />
<br />
Rising ever higher<br />
in a flurry of Grace,<br />
touched by Love,<br />
bolstered by Friendship,<br />
with Strength gained by Action,<br />
She sings her Willingness <br />
to the heavens<br />
As an act of Joyous Survival,<br />
Turns three times above me,<br />
then settles down<br />
to build her safe-haven<br />
in my Heart.<br />
<br />
<br />
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Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-25782001413977121202017-12-20T23:42:00.000-08:002017-12-21T00:08:18.411-08:00Sweet Nothings/Nothing SweetWhen I whisper<br />
"sweet nothings" <br />
in your ear<br />
there will be<br />
<i><b>nothing</b></i><br />
"sweet"<br />
about it.<br />
<br />
It will be<br />
hot-breathed,<br />
heated, <br />
appetence and ache,<br />
all teeth and tongue,<br />
while nipping at your neck.<br />
<br />
There will be<br />
low hums<br />
and<br />
gritty moans <br />
sung<br />
from the recesses<br />
of my soul<br />
into the<br />
riveting depths<br />
of yours.<br />
<br />
There will be hair pulled,<br />
breath matched and caught,<br />
while fingernails<br />
run aching paths<br />
down arching backs.<br />
<br />
I'll talk of<br />
fucking<br />
on the hood<br />
of my warm car<br />
in the winter sunlight<br />
by the lake,<br />
our breath<br />
coming<br />
in rapid<br />
puffs of white,<br />
(heat from our lungs<br />
doing combat with the crisp air)<br />
muscles taut and bodies hot,<br />
as we remove<br />
only<br />
the pieces of our clothing<br />
necessary<br />
to make this work<br />
without<br />
freezing to death.<br />
<br />
I'll suggest,<br />
with my hand on your fly,<br />
my tongue in your ear, <br />
that you let me<br />
tie<br />
You<br />
(your turn ..... This time)<br />
blindfolded<br />
to the kitchen chair;<br />
persuading you<br />
with my touch<br />
to utter your breathless<br />
"YES."<br />
Urging you to<br />
imagine<br />
how it feels<br />
when I <br />
stealthy and silent<br />
leave a room<br />
just<br />
long enough<br />
for you to wonder<br />
if I've abandoned you;<br />
letting you know<br />
that i might return<br />
right before worry does, <br />
with ice between my parted lips<br />
to run across<br />
your tensed muscles,<br />
as you buck up to meet me.<br />
<br />
I'll render for you<br />
in painterly tones<br />
the way your skin tastes<br />
after a long night together,<br />
the scent of you<br />
at twilight,<br />
the weight and supple strength<br />
of you tangled up with me<br />
in the near dark<br />
and how I revel<br />
in the symphony of sounds,<br />
low and sweet, <br />
that you compose -- <br />
impromptu --<br />
as I play you<br />
like a<br />
late night<br />
cello.<br />
<br />
I'll remind you<br />
about the way<br />
our eyes<br />
lock and hold<br />
at the moment of connection,<br />
how time slows<br />
in the aching, gasping heat<br />
of our bodies mingling<br />
and our souls meeting<br />
in physical form.<br />
<br />
At the point which<br />
you <br />
(eagerly) <br />
ask me to go on,<br />
I'll suggest,<br />
slyly, <br />
that the next time<br />
you have the chance to back<br />
me up against that alley wall,<br />
pinning me there<br />
with my arms above my head --<br />
your hard thigh<br />
pressed between my legs --<br />
that you should<br />
perhaps<br />
TRY<br />
to remember<br />
that I'm wearing a skirt<br />
...<br />
and little else.<br />
<br />
Self-immolation,<br />
My Darling,<br />
is more fun with two.Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-15828835402690397652017-12-05T23:32:00.000-08:002017-12-05T23:53:55.298-08:00Closure<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
You tasted of vanilla<br />
and moon beams,<br />
Shone<br />
like the<br />
Summer sun<br />
And<br />
I<br />
f<br />
e<br />
l<br />
l<br />
into<br />
the<br />
Abyss<br />
of your charisma<br />
And almost drowned<br />
In your seductive words<br />
And easy charm.<br />
<br />
I<br />
was under water<br />
and<br />
over my head<br />
with you.<br />
<br />
Because<br />
your wit<br />
played well with mine.<br />
<br />
And<br />
our wordlove<br />
intertwined<br />
At all<br />
the right intersections.<br />
<br />
Sentences made out in dark alleys<br />
And laughed against each other<br />
with wild abandon in public<br />
<br />
And<br />
I<br />
Leaned<br />
into your quicksilver tongue<br />
Thinking all those<br />
slippery words<br />
meant something.<br />
<br />
I was<br />
starving<br />
for a like mind<br />
and you<br />
filled all of that hunger<br />
and more.<br />
<br />
You sated my mind<br />
and starved my body<br />
and I<br />
couldn't differentiate wordplay<br />
from foreplay.<br />
<br />
That was my failing and my undoing. <br />
<br />
I see that now.<br />
<br />
I wanted<br />
And<br />
you Said<br />
you wanted<br />
but never acted.<br />
<br />
And the words ...<br />
Oh...the Words...<br />
they held All the keys<br />
to my locked up desires<br />
and<br />
I<br />
Believed<br />
with all the zealous fervency<br />
born of hope<br />
fueled by mixed messages<br />
and actions that belied a truth<br />
I didn't want to see.<br />
<br />
We should have<br />
stayed<br />
what we were really becoming<br />
--- the best of friends.<br />
<br />
But your words<br />
spoke of Desire<br />
And my desires<br />
then spoke Words<br />
And<br />
some things<br />
broke<br />
in the middle<br />
(including my tender heart).<br />
<br />
At the time<br />
I blamed you for using me ill.<br />
<br />
Since then,<br />
I have had time to think<br />
...and have come to fathom<br />
the Truth.<br />
<br />
You loved the Idea<br />
me<br />
--The laugh and banter<br />
Ease of me.<br />
<br />
And I<br />
Thought<br />
I loved You.<br />
<br />
And our Brains --<br />
Our word-happy,<br />
quick-witted<br />
Brains... <br />
They danced together.<br />
They were bosom companions.<br />
They delighted in each other's<br />
swiftness and in the match they found<br />
In the other.<br />
<br />
<br />
Mine still misses yours<br />
But<br />
with more clarity now.<br />
<br />
I hope<br />
you can forgive me<br />
for believing your<br />
sex-charged words<br />
instead of seeing them<br />
for<br />
the continuation<br />
of the verbal tango<br />
that made us such fast friends.<br />
<br />
Because I can see now<br />
that That is what they were.<br />
<br />
And what We<br />
were meant to be.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
6/24/17<br />
For E...written the night before he died. </div>
Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-42654991721917480882017-06-29T10:14:00.000-07:002017-06-29T21:42:15.153-07:00Words Matter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Words matter. Never forget this."<br />
<br />
This was my soul speaking to me at the witching hour. When my soul speaks, I listen.<br />
<br />
"Words," it said, "have might. Words have majesty. Words have prowess. Words have<br />
power. Words are safety and solace, fire and fuel, danger and delight.<br />
<br />
Words, with an express delivery, deliver expression. When you're feeling expressive they<br />
express feeling. They are capable of creative clarity and clear creativity.<br />
<br />
Words cajole. Words tease.<br />
Words try me. Words release me.<br />
<br />
Words hold me, hurt me, heal me, haunt me. Words keep me company when I cannot sleep.<br />
<br />
Words are the delicious delicacies in the stuff of my dreams. Words are the disturbing<br />
demons in my waking nightmares. Words challenge me when I need to grow. Words<br />
comfort and console me when I feel small and need them most.<br />
<br />
Words have potential. Words carry thought and bestow meaning.<br />
<br />
Words have weight. So often I wait for the right words to wait on me. To lean into me,<br />
weighty while I await their weighted might.<br />
<br />
Words are written in the secret places of my psyche and proclaimed in a timeless ink on<br />
my skin. Look closely...anyone with a patient eye will see them. There, love is penned on<br />
the parchment of hope. You'll read longing and desire, and savor the satisfying flavor of<br />
fulfillment. There is heartbreak and hurt, bravery and bravado, appetence and ache,<br />
strength, wisdom, humour, and a sprinkling of magic.<br />
<br />
Truth lives in my words, beauty too, and a wicked laughter that appears most often when<br />
shared.<br />
<br />
Words have a life of their own. Words live on long after they're said.<br />
<br />
Words can be as playful as a water pistol or as serious as a silver bullet hurtling towards<br />
your heart.<br />
<br />
Words can be colder than an ice flow and more cutting than a butcher's knife. Words can<br />
freeze your spirit and kill you with their arctic cruelty.<br />
<br />
Words can wrap you in a sultry warmth you won't want to recover from and keep you<br />
comforted in a way no duvet will ever achieve. Words can be hotter than a naked lover<br />
on a cold winter night.<br />
<br />
Words cradle me in the arms of angels. Words hide me from the vengeful enemies that<br />
are my cruelest monsters. Words both create and slay the hide-y bastards that lurk in the<br />
corners of my word hungry mind. Words chew on the bones of my secret fears.<br />
<br />
You cannot unsay words. You can never unsay words. Therefor, choose your words<br />
wisely.<br />
<br />
By all means, play with your words. Explore them! Be whimsical with words, dance with<br />
them in the waning sunlight, splash through them in colourful rainboots, run them over<br />
your body like the softest silk while giggling at the sensual secrets you conjure with<br />
them. Make poetic leaps with them like so many mountain goats on a rocky crag, or float<br />
gracefully to the clouds with them like Phileas Fogg in his hot air balloon taking 80 days<br />
to circumnavigate the globe of your tender psyche.<br />
<br />
But also, I entreat you, wield words wisely and with gracious compassion. Be aware with<br />
your words. Do not use them as burning brand to mark me. Do not, callous in their usage,<br />
bruise my spirit with your thoughtlessness. Think before your words become whips that<br />
scar or chains that bind.<br />
<br />
Instead, brush them soothingly over my fevered brow like a cool cloth on a hot day. Hold<br />
them up as a gentle offering, an olive branch after a long wintry warring of the soul.<br />
Wave them at me as a flag of truce. Cheer me on with them above the roar of the day.<br />
Wrap your words around me softly. Rub them against my rain washed skin. Kiss me with<br />
them until I can't breathe; my lips passion-bruised from gasping their joy to the world.<br />
<br />
I like to run my tongue across the subtle textures of my words. I like to lap at them, to<br />
lick luxuriously, to languorously linger on each arching syllable as I lave them in the<br />
moonlight of my mind. I like to savor their softness, and sink my teeth into their flesh<br />
until they whimper under the pressure and quietly beg for more.<br />
<br />
Words hang in the ether like a beacon or a flaming cross, depending how they're<br />
intentioned and how you wield them. Wield them wisely, whimsically, wishfully, but<br />
never with cruelty or wastefulness. Wash daily in words and your spirit will glow with<br />
the beautifying effects of a mind well cared for."<br />
<br />
I have a love for words and in wording this I have found many loves. My soul speaks<br />
truth.<br />
<br />
Words matter. Never forget this.<br />
<br />
Words matter.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
June 7, 2010<br />
Copyright Tanya Anguita</div>
Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-67199804422943665452015-06-27T01:21:00.001-07:002015-06-27T01:25:58.563-07:00Mermaid<p dir="ltr">In the Sea of Life,<br>
there are those that fight the waves, <br>
And those<br>
that the waters<br>
recognize <br>
as their own.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Mermaid --</p>
<p dir="ltr">Singer of magic,<br>
Weaver of dreams,<br>
Font of laughter,<br>
Community builder,<br>
Kindness bringer,<br>
Bastion of strength,<br>
And speaker of truths --</p>
<p dir="ltr">YOU ,<br>
Loved by so many,<br>
glide and dance<br>
With remarkable power,<br>
Over the rippling water's edge,<br>
And straight into <br>
The loving arms of Poseidon.</p>
<p dir="ltr">He's been waiting for you,<br>
You know,<br>
With love in his heart.</p>
<p dir="ltr">And now<br>
The Waves <br>
caress your Beloved face,<br>
welcoming you Home<br>
After seeming eons <br>
of waiting<br>
For your <br>
Sweet <u>Return</u>.</p>
<p dir="ltr">©Tanya <u>Anguita</u></p>
Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-82409893784518476082015-06-09T23:30:00.001-07:002015-06-20T01:21:30.672-07:00She....<p dir="ltr">She is my heart<br>
In a small warm body<br>
Separate (and not) <br>
From mine....</p>
<p dir="ltr">She is my best<br>
Every thing...<br>
My breath,<br>
My soul,<br>
My largest of the small.</p>
<p dir="ltr">She is a huge being <br>
In a tiny package,<br>
A mirror to<br>
My harshest truths</p>
<p dir="ltr">She is the sun <br>
Bright and powerful<br>
To my waxing <br>
And waning moon.</p>
<p dir="ltr">She is my dearest<br>
My toughest,<br>
My most beloved,<br>
My teacher,<br>
And my student.</p>
<p dir="ltr">She is my laughter,<br>
My tears,<br>
My hopes,<br>
My fears,<br>
She is Love,</p><p dir="ltr">She is Magic,</p><p dir="ltr">She is my Child.</p><p dir="ltr">And I am blessed to be her Mother.<br>
</p><p dir="ltr">©Tanya Anguita</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAhyyLf-UQvTETv1QZD5zymWLUM0Li9-_lCDFw6mKyrDxDC3Otj3geeR5iDy8xAm5Z8jYYPjcoWFL-Q7DwEnz7RQT05ihBAc1bCXKfPt_yZeF29v0hE4aFWE9yk5s_PAPF4KhRTMxHJKIU/s1600/1434788359015.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAhyyLf-UQvTETv1QZD5zymWLUM0Li9-_lCDFw6mKyrDxDC3Otj3geeR5iDy8xAm5Z8jYYPjcoWFL-Q7DwEnz7RQT05ihBAc1bCXKfPt_yZeF29v0hE4aFWE9yk5s_PAPF4KhRTMxHJKIU/s640/1434788359015.jpg"> </a> </div>Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-1994987879353408492014-09-08T23:21:00.000-07:002015-06-20T00:53:24.749-07:00Another Chance to get it RightFull Moon has me up again<br>
When I should be asleep;<br>
All the doubtful, hateful thoughts<br>
Into my psyche creep.<br>
In Motherhood's clear mirror<br>
Is a harsh and cruel reflection,<br>
Filled with unkind, fearful thoughts<div>
And glaring imperfection.<br>
Black Dog wanders close to me<br>
Pressed up against my leg.<br>
Artemis's darker side<br>
Takes me down a peg.<br>
She used to make me brazen, warm;<br>
To magnify my boldness.<br>
I know Her fullness better now,<br>
I'm Sister to Her coldness.<br>
Instead of strength and fearlessness,<br>
I'm wracked with doubt and worry.<br>
Wound tighter than an 8 day clock,<br>
I'm always in a hurry.<br>
I feel like I am over-strung,<br>
A bow that's pulled too tight.<br>
The Lady Moon just magnifies<br>
All that isn't right.<br>
I've lost my way this moonlit night<br>
So aimlessly I roam<br>
I wander, fearful, in the dark<br>
I can't find my way home.<br>
I love Her still and gaze on Her<br>
With Unrequited love,<br>
While hoping that She'll send a<br>
Fleeting smile from above.<br>
Or grant me Grace where I have none --<br>
A gesture made of kindness.<br>
Her glacial glow a soothing balm -<br>
A light to cure my Blindness.<br>
I'd like to lay these frightful thoughts<br>
Forever on a shelf;<br>
To see in the Moon's Glory<br>
The kindest version of my Self.<br>
I want to see her Harvest-Strength -<br>
She's Maiden, Mother, Crone -<br>
To find in Her a brighter, truer<br>
Image of my Own.<br>
So here I am, Her supplicant,<br>
Bathing in her light,<br>
Naked in my honesty,<br>
A wingless bird in flight.<br>
Writing out this crazy prayer<br>
Under a cloudless sky<br>
While learning how to glide and dip -<br>
If not exactly fly.<br>
As long as I don't hit the ground<br>
In blazing, flaming glory,<br>
I have the chance to daily write<br>
A new part of my story.<br>
So maybe that's the lesson<br>
On this Moonful, thoughtful night -<br>
That every minute is<br>
Another Chance to get it Right.<br>
Thank you Lovely Luna<br>
For the lessons that you teach,<br>
Even on the harsher nights<br>
When you feel out of reach.<br>
I think that I'll repeat myself<br>
Because it soothes my soul:<br>
Every minute is another chance<br>
To make One whole.<br>
I think that that's my lesson<br>
On this Moonful, Thoughtful Night -<br>
That Every minute is<br>
Another Chance to get it Right.<br>
<br>
(c) Tanya Anguita<br>
9/8/2014<br>
<br>
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<br></div>Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-43089331559426444032014-06-20T22:34:00.000-07:002014-06-27T23:39:17.949-07:00Black DogBlack Dog<br />
is<br />
gnawing at my soul tonight.<br />
Can't get out <br />
from under the weight<br />
of its heavy jaw<br />
which is wrapped <br />
around the tender confines<br />
of my weary heart.<br />
<br />
I am out of resources,<br />
out of joy,<br />
and at a loss <br />
for where to find them.<br />
<br />
The Ol' Red Shoes<br />
are dancing me<br />
relentlessly around the room<br />
these days<br />
to a never-ending loop<br />
of the Song of Despair<br />
while my heart<br />
bleeds out<br />
through my raw soul<br />
on a glass-strewn dance floor <br />
in a hostile bar<br />
called "Life." <br />
<br />
I'm drowning on land,<br />
choking on dirt and earthly matter(s)<br />
Swallowing my filthy pride<br />
in gulps of rubble and grime.<br />
<br />
Oh how I'd like to sink into the mire,<br />
settle into the loam below,<br />
and stop fighting <br />
the "good" fight.<br />
<br />
Every gesture<br />
(in the attempt to keep afloat)<br />
feels like <br />
Futility,<br />
cloaked in<br />
"Why?"<br />
in a never-ending trek<br />
towards<br />
Failure.<br />
<br />
I have nothing left<br />
to offer<br />
and I'm too tired<br />
to care.<br />
<br />
I used to think that <br />
Joy<br />
was my due.<br />
<br />
I thought that<br />
Happiness<br />
was something<br />
I would always find.<br />
<br />
I believed that<br />
Love <br />
was boundless; <br />
that <br />
Delight <br />
was not fleeting.<br />
<br />
But <br />
Exhaustion <br />
is replete,<br />
Anger <br />
eats away at me,<br />
Impatience and Resentment<br />
are poisoning my thoughts,<br />
and my actions.<br />
<br />
My account at the<br />
Give a Fuck Bank<br />
is almost empty...<br />
save for the few pennies <br />
rattling around <br />
in the rusty bottom<br />
of the worn tin can<br />
of loving care<br />
that <br />
I'm rabidly guarding<br />
to share with<br />
the beautiful child<br />
it is my job <br />
and my blessing<br />
to raise.<br />
<br />
It feels like not enough tonight<br />
and I'm scared.<br />
<br />
(c) Tanya Anguita<br />
June 20, 2014Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-63283657019225439312013-10-19T03:36:00.000-07:002013-10-19T03:43:20.455-07:00Smoke-scented Midnight<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Smoke-scented midnight<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
steals my sleep.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I long for Nothing<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
but the stillness<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
that will not come tonight.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Full Moon Glorious --<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Pumpkin orange as it rose --<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I taste Magic<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
in the night sky.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Distant memories<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
of ancient selves...<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
vie for precedence<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
in the now.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Which "me" is Me?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
A shimmer in the<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Spirit Veil...<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
A shiver on the breeze.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I’ve forgotten how to write;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
How to “use my words”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
And in so many ways<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
It just doesn’t matter.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
And in so many ways<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
It Does.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Which "me" is Me?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Sleep-deprived,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I’m sometimes lonely<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
for my other Selves;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
For those pieces of me<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
lying dormant;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
For the comfy jeans feel of<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
the Personal Identifiers<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I’m accustomed to<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
But cannot find.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
An owl in the darkness<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Asks me “Who?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
In moon-twisted reverie,</div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
My silence is his answer.</div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Smoke-scented midnight<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
steals my sleep.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I long for Nothing<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
but the stillness<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
that will not come tonight.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Full Moon Glorious --<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I taste Magic<o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="text-align: justify;">in the night sky...</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
(c) Tanya Anguita</div>
<div style="margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
10/19/2013</div>
Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-8641421224242625772013-02-24T06:00:00.000-08:002015-07-14T00:22:01.293-07:00Swallows Me Whole<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">The moon wakes my soul<br /> She swallows me whole<br /> And now <br /> She <br /> Will not let me sleep!<br /> The sphere in the sky<br /> With a clear seeing eye<br /> Laughs<br /> When I try to count sheep.<br /> She knows my heart<br /><span class="text_exposed_show"> She tears it apart<br /> Then She<br /> Puts it together again.<br /> This early morn<br /> I'm being reborn<br /> In the ebb<br /> Of her bright wax <br /> And wane.<br /> <br /> -- Tanya Anguita <br /></span></span>Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-9944389180036467612012-08-30T22:13:00.002-07:002012-08-30T22:23:31.650-07:00Unknown FuturesBlue moon <br />
pregnant with portent,<br />
mysterious in the late summer sky,<br />
giving birth to unknown futures<br />
and untold changes, <br />
<br />
You are my hope and my promise tonight.<br />
<br />
Thank you<br />
for offering illumation<br />
through the darkness<br />
of my uncertain thoughts<br />
and<br />
light<br />
on the path<br />
to brighter tomorrows.<br />
<br />
<br />
Beloved Blue Moon,<br />
I know we won't see you for a while<br />
So<br />
I'd like to sign that 3 year contract with you now.<br />
<br />
You know...<br />
The one that offers<br />
grace and gratitude,<br />
solace and strength,<br />
joy and fortitude.<br />
<br />
The one that allows one<br />
to embrace <br />
Belief<br />
in<br />
one's self.<br />
<br />
The one with <br />
the ability and agility<br />
to do<br />
whatever needs to be done.<br />
<br />
When you appear again<br />
we can re-negotiate our agreement, <br />
but I suspect<br />
that I will simply take<br />
my soul in hand<br />
and sign on the dotted line<br />
while giving gracious thanks<br />
for your<br />
glorious return.<br />
<br />
Blue moon <br />
pregnant with portent,<br />
mysterious in the late summer sky,<br />
giving birth to unknown futures<br />
and untold changes, <br />
<br />
You are my hope and my promise tonight.<br />
<br />
© Tanya Anguita <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-80609822338401227682012-08-29T14:03:00.000-07:002012-08-29T14:05:41.576-07:00Out of NowhereSometimes<br />
the missing of you is the<br />
sum of what I have left<br />
Even after all this time<br />
Even when silence<br />
has been your watchword<br />
for what feels like eons. <br />
<br />
It comes at the strangest times<br />
This longing for you<br />
This ache in the emptiness<br />
of where you used to be<br />
<br />
And logically<br />
I know that it is better this way<br />
But somehow<br />
My heart hasn't yet caught up<br />
with my head<br />
And I'm left breathless<br />
from the sudden<br />
overwhelming thump<br />
of the wave of missing you<br />
that comes,<br />
inappropriately,<br />
painfully, <br />
unbidden,<br />
out of nowhere.<br />
<br />
© Tanya Anguita <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-32072561271935498972012-03-07T16:34:00.000-08:002012-03-07T16:35:06.776-08:00Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #69 (heh...I said 69) -- February 7 and March 7, 2012February 7, 2012 <br />
Getting pneumonia is incredibly humbling. Recovering from pneumonia is equally humbling. It has been a little over a month since I got sick, and while I no longer have the cough or fever, I still get tired by doing simple things like going for a walk, or staying up past 9:30 p.m. It is very hard to explain the kind of tired one gets to anyone who hasn't had it themselves. To say that I want nothing more than to sleep all the time is an understatement. For those who know me, this will make it clearer -- I've did nothing social for the better part of a month. I went home, ate dinner and was in bed by 9 and was STILL wiped out. Every day I woke up hoping that "today will be the day I feel like my normal energetic self again." It was...special. I mean to tell you. And, as mentioned, incredibly humbling. I am back to 90%. I'm thankful for that and it makes me have a greater empathy for those who struggle with this sort of exhaustion/discomfort on a daily basis due to chronic illness or pain. I am truly in awe. <br />
<br />
<br />
So here I am. It is February 7 and I haven't written anything since the beginning of December. As a matter of fact, I've been pretty quiet since about September and I am realizing that I feel saner and more fulfilled when I write more often so I think I'm going to make a goal of writing something (good, bad or indifferent) at least once a week for this coming year. Maybe it will be a week's worth of positives, maybe it will be something else. I'll just see where it takes me.<br />
<br />
And because I don't like to post writings without images, I guess that means I'll have to take at least one decent photo a week this year too...which means I need to start carrying my camera with me again and making the time for editing said photos.<br />
<br />
Hmmm...I think I like how this is shaping up. Planning for creativity and catharsis. It sounds so healthy. Perhaps I'll try it. *wink*<br />
<br />
I find myself re-framing my perceived failures this afternoon. I've been feeling stuck in several places in my life and I am trying to find my way out of the maze I've created in my mind. I'm starting to take steps though...and I'm finding that things I thought of as failures are really just flagstones on this walk called life. I needed to stand on them to get my footing so that I can get to the next place.<br />
<br />
The flagstones I'm just stepping onto include taking every career counseling workshop I can get my hands on at work, and starting the apartment hunt in earnest (complete with creepy old curmudgeonly Chinese man who checked me out, asked if my mother "married another Gringo", told me he was an equal opportunity hater, and told me not to ask him to bring me toilet paper. I kid you not.) Also...I'm looking at joining the gym here at UC and seeing if I can start some regular exercise again after several months of inactivity. Please cross fingers for me. I need to get in shape to feel healthy and good in my skin.<br />
<br />
So without further babbling, tonight I sing my gratitudes for:<br />
<br />
1) Re-framing my thoughts to healthy ones.<br />
<br />
2) Being in the 90% of my healing process.<br />
<br />
3) Amazing Saturdays. Spent the day doing a Blue & Gold Fleet Scenic Bay Tour with Katie, Michael and Chuck which included a sorbet stop at Ben and Jerry's, a ride on the Pier 39 Carousel, much laughter and an amazing dinner at Scoma's. Such a fantastic, beautiful, perfect day. With weather sent by the kindness gods. Yum!<br />
<br />
=============<br />
March 7, 2012<br />
<br />
A month has gone by and I am realizing that I still haven't been writing, or doing much in the way of anything creative this winter. I'm plodding along but not feeling in touch with my creative self and mostly that has been ok...but I kind of miss that part of me...that me. The one who is compelled to write, to take photos, to dance, to sing...the one who needs to be doing those things to feel alive. I'm not depressed. In fact, in a lot of ways I'm quite content these days...and maybe that is it right there. I haven't created a practice of creativity in my life. My writing, etc., has thus far been fueled by deep emotion or a NEED to get it out instead forming some sort of a habit for happy creativity. Hmmm.... at any rate...I miss it. So here I am. Recognizing it as a first step...and once I'm settled in a new home I *will* write weekly and photograph regularly.<br />
<br />
I do have to say that recognizing that I can't do everything at once has been a huge step in the right direction for me. Househunting has been the main priority. Today I also started taking the stairs every hour at work again. I've done it 4 times today. My legs are sore which is a measure of how out of shape I actually am. I also calendared myself for cancan rehearsals again. At the very least I can go and stretch, right? Not now..but in about a month when I'm all settled. And stair walking as a break feels good and useful.<br />
<br />
So yes...today I sing my gratitudes for<br />
<br />
4) Honoring the recognition of setting simple priorities and not over-committing so that I can focus.<br />
<br />
5) Taking the necessary step to do SOMETHING healthy -- those stairs are good.<br />
<br />
6) www.livestrong.com is a godsend for tracking my caloric intake so that even though I've been inactive, I haven't put on much weight in the past 4 months. I'm proud of myself for that. There is something about writing down everything one eats that keeps me honest. :)<br />
<br />
7) The fact that Katie & Michael's Baby Party went well thanks to the amazing Sabra and to all of their friends. They had fun, everyone had fun, and it was a happy, fun, mellow, playful success.<br />
<br />
8) I'm going to take an off-camera flash photography workshop in San Francisco tonight. I'm nervous and excited.<br />
<br />
9) Recognizing truths about people one loves and finally getting that I have to change my actions and responses in order to better serve them and me.<br />
<br />
10) Affection, respect, consistent touch and healthy communication. Nuff said.<br />
<br />
11) The blessing that is my continued friendships. I never ever take my friends for granted. Ever. Thank you for being in my world. Yes. You.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh8QG1v104hiQiGM6_ZtXPrv1qWOoiSoVrSenh6LDMtoa5tURZhqUZQrsw3CgC4npiNc1tJLoqufGxu83B9Gr-emW3gXxp27Smue-x7hulWpwsQOvVUvKUNlde6qpIkOOmbXntUldtVnpd/s1600/warning.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh8QG1v104hiQiGM6_ZtXPrv1qWOoiSoVrSenh6LDMtoa5tURZhqUZQrsw3CgC4npiNc1tJLoqufGxu83B9Gr-emW3gXxp27Smue-x7hulWpwsQOvVUvKUNlde6qpIkOOmbXntUldtVnpd/s320/warning.jpg" width="234" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Always a good reminder. ;) </div>Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-8749772978181877352011-12-10T18:03:00.000-08:002012-01-26T20:52:50.531-08:00I taste you in my sleep...The subtle spice<br />
of sex and salt,<br />
sweet on my tongue;<br />
I taste you in my sleep.<br />
<br />
Your seductive scent,<br />
the harbinger of memory and want,<br />
teases me in the half light of dawn.<br />
<br />
I feel your fingers<br />
tangled in my hair,<br />
and the push and pull<br />
as you guide me.<br />
<br />
There is no focus anymore,<br />
<br />
Just You<br />
<br />
You<br />
are all there is, <br />
the Only thing;<br />
Everything.<br />
<br />
If crawling under your skin<br />
were actually an option<br />
I'd try it<br />
<br />
Just to be<br />
thatmuchcloser<br />
to<br />
You.<br />
<br />
You,<br />
who are summer and seduction<br />
on these cold winter nights.<br />
<br />
You,<br />
who are the secret smile<br />
on long busy days.<br />
<br />
You,<br />
who are the stealer<br />
of sensible thought,<br />
in poorly lit rooms<br />
after hours.<br />
<br />
In the cool twilight,<br />
I wrap your Heat<br />
around me<br />
and<br />
ride it <br />
through the darkness.<br />
<br />
I burn for you<br />
when I am alone.<br />
<br />
Tireless<br />
Tempting<br />
Sensual<br />
Satisfying<br />
<br />
You<br />
are all these things<br />
and more<br />
and<br />
I<br />
am like a woman<br />
found again<br />
in the fiery sweetness<br />
of your touch.<br />
<br />
The subtle spice<br />
of sex and salt,<br />
sweet on my tongue;<br />
I taste you in my sleep.<br />
<br />
© Tanya Anguita<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJBMMhbszxvAPD2rzlyqT6NtmVd3Pou9IdL93s0T9V1SBNWx2avHicn0V0Qjj6e8IK6s0j3XStrQmxDqHgVb3pV6YL1NKIUUrQt4whDI8WFMSS4pXdkBMFmnp2Ae5sadmdPazh7XvYZ93v/s1600/window.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJBMMhbszxvAPD2rzlyqT6NtmVd3Pou9IdL93s0T9V1SBNWx2avHicn0V0Qjj6e8IK6s0j3XStrQmxDqHgVb3pV6YL1NKIUUrQt4whDI8WFMSS4pXdkBMFmnp2Ae5sadmdPazh7XvYZ93v/s320/window.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-54881070227916526262011-12-08T17:42:00.000-08:002011-12-08T17:59:26.540-08:00Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #68 -- December 8, 2011I think today might be about remembering that every moment of the day is a different moment, a new moment, and that many things can happen in one day to affect the way I think and feel. It is up to me to hang on for the ride and remember that in the next moment, something may cheer me up. That I may find something to be thankful for. That a laugh may be shared between friends or strangers. And that it is possible to experience many days within one day.<br />
<br />
Overall I'm doing pretty well these days. I realized this afternoon that I haven't written my gratitudes fora couple of months and that just doesn't feel right. I'm deeply thankful for some positive change that is starting to happen in my life. I'm working hard to make even more positive change happen. It seems like things may be shifting a little in that direction (please oh please oh please. *wry grin*), and for that I'm deeply grateful. <br />
<br />
<br />
These past couple of months (heh..years maybe?) have been long ones. I have learned a lot about myself during that time. I have found that pain is a great leveler. It teaches humility and preaches patience. I am learning that Raging against it gets me nowhere except for angry and tense...which further exacerbates the pain.<br />
<br />
I won't lie. It sucks to be in pain. I am learning to find ways that I can work with it and not against it, if that makes any sense. I don't mean that I plan to accept it, as it were, just that the energy it takes to be mad about it, could be better used by finding a way to make peace with it and to working through it. I'm starting to feel much better (touch wood) and I'm also aware that with a bulging disk that I'm likely to go through waves of this on and off in my life so I'd best learn good coping skills for when I do. :) <br />
<br />
I found myself thinking about this a lot while at acupuncture a few weeks ago. I heard my inner voice telling my neck "I love you." It was an "a-ha" moment for me. I realized that visualizing my neck as "well" and sending it good energy was a much more useful way to spend my time than resenting how it was. I suppose this is true across life really. Sometimes I forget when I'm in pain. Huh...Yeah.<br />
<br />
Let me put it this way:<br />
<br />
The truth is that when I'm in pain (whether it be physical or emotional) I forget to be kind to myself. I forget to take stock of the things that DO work. I dwell, instead, on the things that don't and get myself further stuck instead of looking for ways out. Even though I'm unhappy and uncomfortable, it feels safer to stay stuck, than it does to look at and leap at the unknown. It is easier to stay unhappy sometimes than it is to make change happen. To give into the unknown as it were, even if the unknown is has the potential to be better and the status quo does not. It is...well...UNKNOWN and therefore <i>scary</i>. I've stayed in jobs, relationships, friendships, etc. because of that fear. I don't like living like that and I really don't want to any more so I'm working on making some of that shift. Honestly, I've done it a lot in my life and it doesn't feel good. I am trying not to judge myself for it, but I don't want to DO that anymore. I state it because I want to be kept accountable for it. And to ask for help with it. <br />
<br />
At any rate, life is (touch wood) seeming to be looking up a little, and that is good. Hooray!<br />
<br />
I'm starting to take some career change workshops through my work and that feels like progress. I'm loving my friendships and the people in my life as always (which is a remarkable amount). I'm starting to feel a little bit more like perhaps I can start to do some form of movement again health wise and that is soooo exciting to me.<br />
<br />
Plus, I'm really, REALLY enjoying performing at Dickens Fair this year, loving my show, my cast, my friends and my new song. Feeling good about my performances overall and enjoying the social aspects of it all. I haven't really performed much this year and the lack of it makes it all that much sweeter because I really <i>chose</i> it this season. AND, I'm particularly thankful to be there because given the state of my neck in October, I didn't know if I'd be able to do this show at all. Hooray!<br />
<br />
So without further ado, I sing my gratitudes as follows:<br />
<br />
1) For the safety of my friends after car accidents. I'm so thankful. So so so thankful. I love you so much. <br />
<br />
2 ) I'm thankful for my family and friends. You are the biggest and most amazing blessings in my life.<br />
<br />
3) SO happy to be feeling like I'm on the mending side of pain. Looking forward to Yoga again soon.<br />
<br />
4) Having a great time doing Dickens Fair this year. Thankful for my new song and the joy that singing it brings. It feels great. :)<br />
<br />
5) Having Laura Gregory up at Dickens Fair every weekend. SO good!<br />
<br />
6) Anni being her last weekend and getting REAL time with her and going to see Jake Shimabukuro & Leftover Cuties and YAY!<br />
<br />
7) Jake Shimabukuro. He's amazing. Yep!<br />
<br />
8) Career change workshops. :)<br />
<br />
9) Katie & Michael. Always always always Katie & Michael<br />
<br />
10) The chicken soups of the world tour I'm doing this week to try to stave off the scratchy, sore throat I've been fighting since Tuesday. So far it has been Matzo Ball soup from Saul's, Sopa Azteca from Picante, Chicken Pho from Le Cheval. I think tonight may be hot & sour soup from Great China, but not sure yet. It has felt very good and very curative. I feel so lucky to be able to do this. I know I'm blessed.<br />
<br />
11) Cute new hats that make me feel sassy.<br />
<br />
12) Beats Antique. Yum.<br />
<br />
13) Secret Squirrel Smiles. :)<br />
<br />
14) Friends who are kind enough to understand and say "hey...just take care of yourself" when one is fighting sick foo. Thanks to all of you this week and always. :) I think it is working. *crossing things*<br />
<br />
15) Chris. For a million gazillion reasons, but this week for handing me a computer that is usable after 2 months of not having one at home. THANK YOU.<br />
<br />
16) Kissing. I am a big fan. Mmm hmmm. :)<br />
<br />
17) Reminders like this: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj2ofrX7jAk"> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj2ofrX7jAk </a><br />
<br />
I think that is a nice place to end for tonight. Hooray!<br />
<br />
May your days be full of thankfulness. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzwYU8eIouDpKC0DlppRiabOn9Z-Kc6M0hK7b3N4zbMGzofqIXeH4InT_uLttcZpeJCuxr5_AnUU54FZdiRnIZEsDZK6muyTtu6nbyjGcrBEetC4OZ9maRMjfd6wdFFVEGiQ-uR-WJlUlO/s1600/determination.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzwYU8eIouDpKC0DlppRiabOn9Z-Kc6M0hK7b3N4zbMGzofqIXeH4InT_uLttcZpeJCuxr5_AnUU54FZdiRnIZEsDZK6muyTtu6nbyjGcrBEetC4OZ9maRMjfd6wdFFVEGiQ-uR-WJlUlO/s320/determination.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-56223238084639478942011-11-22T16:25:00.000-08:002011-11-22T16:33:01.651-08:00Summon the NightSummon the Night, no wishes constrain.<br />
Welcome Desire, from nothing abstain.<br />
<br />
Bring on the Tempest; the war in my bed.<br />
The thunder and lightning aren’t just in our heads<br />
Writhe in the Water and reach for that wall.<br />
Arch strong against me. Give me your all<br />
Call in the Fire to set us aflame.<br />
Drop your defenses, this isn’t a game.<br />
Groan out your wanting, invoke Passion's yearning;<br />
Finish what you start! Don't leave me here burning.<br />
<br />
You know that you want me, your eyes tell me so<br />
You claim to be fearless, so come on, let's go!<br />
Conjure your Demons, then welcome them in<br />
Dismiss any worries, embrace all your sins.<br />
Erase lonely Longing with Fulfilled Desire.<br />
Tinder to flames, this bed is our pyre.<br />
Beckon the Fever and turn on the stars;<br />
When tangled together, Love, all nights are ours.<br />
<br />
<br />
Petition the ravens of Memory and Thought<br />
To finally release us to this heat we've wrought.<br />
Give me your kisses, your touch and your gasp.<br />
Your skin in the Moonlight is rapture to grasp<br />
Invite me to bite you, while limbs intertwine<br />
In this moment, Lover, I'm yours and you're mine!<br />
Haste now to taste me, to savor my touch;<br />
Pushed to the edge? Please don't say it's too much.<br />
<br />
Invoking the Earth, grounded by lust<br />
It supports our strong bodies, each movement, each thrust.<br />
Bewitched and bewildered, beneath me, on top<br />
We sing to the Night sky, "Please, don't let this stop"<br />
Signal your craving; tie me in knots.<br />
However you want it, I'll give all I've got.<br />
Pin both my arms down and give me your weight<br />
Tease me and please me before it's too late.<br />
<br />
Entreat me to meet you as we move our hips<br />
Extract “Hallelujah!” from our parted lips<br />
Elicit "Oh god!” with our tongues in the dark<br />
As a prayer to the Holy of Passion's Bright Spark <br />
We'll stir up the West Wind with each gasping breath<br />
Pushing and pulling, towards the Small Death<br />
Tempt me to haunt you; to threaten your calm<br />
We'll sing our release in a passionate Psalm.<br />
<br />
Raw heat engulfs us, as Passion takes flight,<br />
So abstain from nothing, and Summon the Night<br />
<br />
© Tanya Anguita<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmN1-hVrndTe1t-a_2F1XM2Iuqqx-AryOau-FC7ntI_ePHvS-sC9FoJ2wjSKQsRdVZbltAQBP6kfGFVBczyUC9WiJrxlc3Ss3XC5xn5LSF3VQLYZrf3kBanW7oDr_Lqe6Hd_f8XYZeTlg2/s1600/when+i+move.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmN1-hVrndTe1t-a_2F1XM2Iuqqx-AryOau-FC7ntI_ePHvS-sC9FoJ2wjSKQsRdVZbltAQBP6kfGFVBczyUC9WiJrxlc3Ss3XC5xn5LSF3VQLYZrf3kBanW7oDr_Lqe6Hd_f8XYZeTlg2/s320/when+i+move.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-9836019518691658552011-10-07T00:22:00.000-07:002011-10-07T00:40:37.113-07:00Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Postive #67 -- October 6, 2011I'm fumbling with my gratitude. I've been dropping it in the dirt and stepping over it instead of picking it up. Feeling resentful that I feel guilty about not embracing it.<br />
<br />
I'm realizing that Depression does that. I'm not talking little "d" depression...the kind you feel when you have a bad day or even a bad couple of days. I'm talking Big "D" Depression...the kind that rattles your foundation for weeks and months and sometimes years at a time, hinders your sleep, messes with your joy, destroys your clear self-perception, removes your perspective, screws up your appetite, and leaves you in the lightless sub-basement of your psyche feeling like there is no way out.<br />
<br />
I'm talking about the kind that feeds you poison that you willingly drink because "why not....you're just a piece of nothing important anyway so why not drink in the cruel things you tell yourself?" <br />
<br />
I'm talking about the kind that most people don't want to talk about in the first person because it is, even today, taboo to mention. There is shame associated with it. Embarrassment that one might have it. Shhh...I have Depression...Shhhh....<br />
<br />
Well I'm here to talk about it tonight. I'm here to look at it and discuss it. I've got it, I've had it for years, I resent the fuck out it and while I'm pretty good at coping with it or masking it or hiding it a lot of the time, it quite often lives with me like a hairshirt that I cannot ever completely remove.<br />
<br />
I inherited it from my dad, and I feel blessed that, unlike my father, I don't feel the need to drown it in a bottle like he did. I have compassion for him in part because I share this blight on my spirit. I'm just lucky because I have better resources available to me, and kinder coping tools. <br />
<br />
I've found that the tipping point from "having a bad day or 3" into "I'm trapped in the dark recesses of my soul and I'll never get out" is often hard to detect until later...and by the time I'm in it, I may be able to see what got me here, but I'm at a complete loss for how to extract myself from it.<br />
<br />
Also, it often takes me a while to recognize that I'm IN it. That Depression has me in its grips and isn't letting go. It is too close, and it often looks like circumstance. It takes me not wanting to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone for me to start to recognize it. It takes me crying regularly and often uncontrollably, not feeling resilient, on the edge of brittle at all times, and feeling constantly like I'm going to implode before I can see that I'm neck deep in it. Before I have the A-Ha moment that shows me "oh crap...I'm having a bout of Depression...bleh."<br />
<br />
I've done a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy over the years. It has been a tremendous tool for me and has helped me to grow as a person, as a friend, and to, at the core, love myself. I'm incredibly thankful for it.<br />
<br />
I look at therapy as being a lot like finding a good spiritual teacher; you go once a week and sit with your teacher, your teacher gives you some good fodder for thought and maybe some homework to do, you spend the week working on those thoughts and that homework and you come back to your teacher having learned something more about yourself and about the process of growth, just in time for your teacher to give you the next lesson. It is fantastic. There should never be shame in it. There is no failing in going to a therapist/counselor...in fact, you should be proud of yourself because you are choosing to take care of yourself and to face the things that do not serve you any more.<br />
<br />
The hard part is that you actually have to shop for a therapist. You have to find one that is a good fit for you. They have to feel right, to have the right balance for YOU of listening, giving feed back, asking questions and you have to feel that you can trust them. When you're in the middle of Big "D" Depression, it is hard sometimes to persevere through the interview process, but when you find someone that is a good match, it is really rewarding.<br />
<br />
<br />
In addition, I believe that medication, when monitored can be helpful. I've been on and off Wellbutrin over the past several years and it is a useful tool when I need it. It has helped me to get to a place where I can at least see the light under the door in the sub-basement which eventually allows me to walk toward it, and then up the stairs into the basement, and then up more stairs into the light of day.<br />
<br />
I find it disturbing that the current trend in Depression treatment is primary care doctors prescribing anti-depressants and then not monitoring how they affect you while simultaneously not suggesting therapy in conjunction with their use. And, that being said, sometimes something is better than nothing to get you out of that hole.<br />
<br />
I know medication is a loaded topic. I'm not saying that it is for everyone. Hell, I did many years of therapy, with therapists suggesting that I try meds and me fighting them about it before I'd even try them myself. Ultimately though, I'm glad I did. And what I'm saying is that it has helped ME personally and that I believe there shouldn't be a stigma attached to taking it. I'm not here to debate the merits or demerits of it. Please don't start. I'm simply speaking from my own experience. I am thankful for medication when I need it and for therapy as well. Yep!<br />
<br />
I guess I had a lot on my mind. If anyone is still reading then let me sing my gratitudes as follows;<br />
<br />
1) I'm thankful that I don't feel shame about having Depression. Frustration? Yes. Resentment? Yes. But NO shame.<br />
<br />
2) I'm thankful to Laura for writing her Good today. It reminded me that writing these is always good for me...even when I don't know what is going to come out.<br />
<br />
3) I'm thankful to Katie for a hilarious conversation tonight that involved crazy hand gestures and the phrase "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Katie...the Health Educator". Also...PIGEONS ...I swear...PIGEONS!<br />
<br />
4) I'm deeply thankful to Nathan for his gifted acupuncture ability, for his patience when I go melty, and for his kindness.<br />
<br />
5) I'm thankful to and for Whitney. For a wonderful healing massage, for happy listening, and for your continued friendship.<br />
<br />
6) I'm INCREDIBLY thankful that I seem to be healing from this last bout of neck hell and that I fairly consistently turn my head almost normally and without pain or arm numbness after 2 1/2 weeks of pain and deep discomfort. (Again...thank you Nathan.) Next up, please the gods, dancing and yoga again...oh please oh please oh please.<br />
<br />
7) Better living through chemistry.<br />
<br />
8) Friends who trust me and share their hurts and fears along with their joys and triumphs with me. I am honored. Truly.<br />
<br />
9) I love honey.<br />
<br />
10) Fantastic, clever reminders to do breast exams. This is both of those things with some YUM thrown in for good measure: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsyE2rCW71o&feature=share">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsyE2rCW71o&feature=share</a><br />
<br />
11) Selling a print of one of my photos this week. It feels good.<br />
<br />
12) Learning new words like bloviate and borborygmos and being able to share the delight of the word petrichor. :)<br />
<br />
13) Being a word nerd.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk1niuMNLulodDLnzE1c_IhIBpuINA2KLXiRlWte5CmiQUT9noLHvt35Qecp084Go2AudQjMDp-iu0gD7rvuN0WWo95CxnCdmz4_QPikSdVvvbUKodRgrB5M3-L2ragLEXUMUrk8h4xhe1/s1600/P365-8831.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a></div>14) I like socks. :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk1niuMNLulodDLnzE1c_IhIBpuINA2KLXiRlWte5CmiQUT9noLHvt35Qecp084Go2AudQjMDp-iu0gD7rvuN0WWo95CxnCdmz4_QPikSdVvvbUKodRgrB5M3-L2ragLEXUMUrk8h4xhe1/s1600/P365-8831.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk1niuMNLulodDLnzE1c_IhIBpuINA2KLXiRlWte5CmiQUT9noLHvt35Qecp084Go2AudQjMDp-iu0gD7rvuN0WWo95CxnCdmz4_QPikSdVvvbUKodRgrB5M3-L2ragLEXUMUrk8h4xhe1/s400/P365-8831.jpg" width="265" /></a></div>Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-74162922452464421682011-10-06T17:26:00.000-07:002012-08-30T09:17:54.941-07:00no longeri<br />
i am angry and shaking with it<br />
<br />
yes<br />
<br />
i <br />
i am taken and consumed<br />
<br />
for <br />
you<br />
you have trespassed on my good nature<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
and <br />
<br />
you<br />
you have walked through my belief<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
you<br />
you have broken my trust by abusing my friendship<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
i<br />
i have allowed it.<br />
<br />
<br />
yes <br />
<br />
<br />
i <br />
i have welcomed you time and again<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
i<br />
i have supported you no matter what<br />
<br />
but <br />
i<br />
i am done now<br />
i mean it this time <br />
<br />
because<br />
<br />
i<br />
i will not be treated this way<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
my<br />
my heart pounds with this rage that's inside me<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
it<br />
it beats faster than fury.<br />
<br />
<br />
because<br />
<br />
i<br />
i <i>never</i> deserved this<br />
<br />
y'know <br />
<br />
we<br />
we were so good together <br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
we<br />
we had laughter and fire<br />
<br />
<br />
but <br />
<br />
we<br />
we are no more in any way<br />
<br />
you see<br />
<br />
we<br />
we are through now<br />
<br />
there's no<br />
<br />
we<br />
we are not "we" any more<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
you<br />
you who professed to love me<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
you<br />
you who talked of a life together<br />
<br />
yes<br />
<br />
you<br />
you can't come to this table<br />
<br />
cuz<br />
<br />
you?<br />
you aren't my friend any more.<br />
<br />
© Tanya Anguita <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD_PCbfg2OKpMRGenIpkbFKANUVWHGjhVB5meJNUYl-BM7Co77zqhUrxZat_yY6JGYrganLgNA_hzPuucryhylGVHtP2tNTTIeL_TNx_x5TCRF5s7I5zz7zm5NIz8ZCPmVYO2Uy2THq0ek/s1600/just+like+that.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD_PCbfg2OKpMRGenIpkbFKANUVWHGjhVB5meJNUYl-BM7Co77zqhUrxZat_yY6JGYrganLgNA_hzPuucryhylGVHtP2tNTTIeL_TNx_x5TCRF5s7I5zz7zm5NIz8ZCPmVYO2Uy2THq0ek/s320/just+like+that.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-16853597829718329112011-09-24T21:10:00.000-07:002011-09-24T21:51:41.703-07:00Open Heartcan't breathe,<br />
too full.<br />
ache's here,<br />
passion's fool.<br />
i want..<br />
i wish..<br />
he was bird,<br />
i was fish.<br />
i was happy,<br />
he was gruff.<br />
there was friendship,<br />
i want love.<br />
fear haunts.<br />
fires burn.<br />
i live.<br />
i learn.<br />
"next time,"<br />
i think,<br />
"i'll get it right,<br />
this love won't sink."<br />
busy bodied,<br />
hurried mind,<br />
the next one left<br />
me behind.<br />
don't stop,<br />
please stay.<br />
this one ran.<br />
that one's away.<br />
this one teases.<br />
that one hides.<br />
i please.<br />
i provide.<br />
simple shelter,<br />
open heart,<br />
open booked<br />
from the start.<br />
these fevered thoughts!<br />
sorrow's laughter...<br />
i want the "yes,<br />
forever after."<br />
i have seen it,<br />
it exists.<br />
i bore witness<br />
to wedded bliss.<br />
so much beauty,<br />
so many graces;<br />
watching love<br />
on both their faces.<br />
their union is<br />
authentic; real!<br />
and that's the way<br />
i want to feel.<br />
<br />
and so <br />
i wonder,<br />
alone tonight,<br />
will i <b><i>ever</i></b><br />
get love right? <br />
<br />
i hope.<br />
i yearn.<br />
i'm so damned ready,<br />
when's <i>my</i> turn?<br />
<br />
<br />
© Tanya Anguita <br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNghxCHOccZ9wiyyxPZvC4IgWBaW5YPm-cDXwCjmB3XtJZ1xxmxulE9ly0uWGy66hstZnSYeA8p-3VXjSlQoiYazk-yUKwtM0Nx9CHGIPP-VYy6Nc_3Z8nEsKH4lfs0yxgMjTtzYG_8Ad8/s1600/P366-2125.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNghxCHOccZ9wiyyxPZvC4IgWBaW5YPm-cDXwCjmB3XtJZ1xxmxulE9ly0uWGy66hstZnSYeA8p-3VXjSlQoiYazk-yUKwtM0Nx9CHGIPP-VYy6Nc_3Z8nEsKH4lfs0yxgMjTtzYG_8Ad8/s400/P366-2125.jpg" width="265" /></a>Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-26075898612678878552011-09-22T14:27:00.000-07:002011-09-22T14:45:31.461-07:00Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive ... er...the Honest. #66 -- September 22, 2011<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm not feeling positive today. I'm feeling downright blue. Self-pitying and not proud of it. I have fallen out of the practice of thankfulness this past month and I'm really feeling it. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">On the one hand, that is ok. I mean I'm coming to recognize that sometimes I just get to feel how I feel...happy or not...and that I don't have to stifle that in order to be a "better" person. I just get to be how I am in the moment and that is good enough. I think I'm really getting that as I type it so let me say it again: I just get to be how I am in the moment and that is good enough. Me. Right now. Good enough. Check!</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My default setting is kindness. I'm generous of spirit and I'm loving. That doesn't mean I can't ever have unkind, grumpy, selfish moments, days, or even months. They don't lessen who I am as a whole as long as I don't LIVE from those places ALL the time and as long as I don't act from a place of small-mindedness, pettiness, malice, or meanness. I'm not prone to doing that, nor have I ever been, so there is little danger there. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I read an article this week entitled "<a href="http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-arent-crazy/">Why Women Aren't Crazy</a>". It really has me thinking about how I express myself and how I don't. I keep looking at how often I stifle my feelings if they're not all roses and sunshine. I keep noticing how guilty I feel if I'm not HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!! </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Like so many of us, I grew up being gaslighted about my feelings by my father and then by various and sundry partners over the years. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My mom, in her gentle way, kept telling me that I needed to "go with the flow" and that I should be "more compassionate." Now, let me just state clearly here that my mom actually walks her talk. She is probably the most compassionate, patient, gentle, loving soul I know. I am deeply blessed to have her as my mother and to have the amazing relationship that I share with her. I admire her so much. I admire her in particular for her ability to let go and to have genuine compassion in her heart for most everyone. I strive for that. I am not blessed with her infinite patience though, so I'm still striving and often come up short in that arena. It is a lot to live up to. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My dad, however, was a real piece of work who constantly told me that I was a bullshitter and a liar when he didn't like what I'd said or done. He discounted my feelings, he was brilliant, he was mean, and he had very little patience. Not a great combination as his child. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So somehow it is not surprising that when I have an angry, frustrated, impatient, or in any way "negative" feeling, I feel like I'm failing, and like I shouldn't be having it. Can we see where this is going? </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I have spent so much of my life trying to be the "not crazy" "not difficult" girlfriend/friend/daughter/co-worker/partner that I don't always know what to do with myself when I can and SHOULD be angry, down, frustrated, pissed off and otherwise not calm. I often end up feeling quietly resentful, and as Carrie Fisher so beautifully put it "</span></span><i><span class="st"><i>Resentment is like drinking poison</i> and waiting for the other person to die." </span></i><span class="st">Yeah...not so useful.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I went to acupuncture Tuesday with the brilliant Nathan, and he commented on the fact that TMJ (which I have) is more prevalent in women than in men...generally because we so often bite down hard on the things we really feel and want to say. Not surprisingly, I'm also still, er, chewing on this idea too. It all seems to tie in. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Yesterday I found in 3 places the reminder to "do something every day that scares you". </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Three different reminders...with pretty much exactly those words. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Then today, Thalassa posted this: <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-well/201109/are-you-teaching-people-treat-you-badly">http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-well/201109/are-you-teaching-people-treat-you-badly</a> which is giving me even more food for thought. </span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Think the universe is trying to tell me something? Just maybe? *wry smile*</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I suck at conflict. I don't like to "rock the boat". I am not fond of "being difficult", but today I need to do something that scares me. </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Especially in light of the fact that I have my evaluation review today, and everything I read in the first draft feels like a backwards compliment and has me second-guessing myself. </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I need to stand up for myself in this performance evaluation and calmly express my feelings that my review is inaccurate and unfair. And right now, this moment, this kind of makes me want to throw up. Ugh.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Couple this fear with the fact that my neck has been out badly since Friday and I've been in consistent pain ever since, and it doesn't make for the most positive Tanya ever. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd like to feel positive today and I don't know how, or even if I should or need to. I just need to feel how I feel and accept that it is enough. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So yes, I recognize that I have much to be thankful for. So so much. Good friends, an active life, a roof over my head, a job, family that I love, like and respect, and so much love and caring that I am wealthy with it. As always, I do not take any of that for granted. Ever. Period.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And? I'm not happy today. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm lonely. I'm grumpy. I'm scared. AND? I'm in a lot of pain. I don't like it one bit. I resent it like hell. And I want it all to change for the better. Stat.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So please hear me when I tell you, I'm game to find my gratitude again tomorrow. But today? I'm just trying to be ok with the fact that things are not okay. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And that? Is a huge step for me. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBUvSKI-pzgyjinR_cY5a8MG5NiKqM6Cmc3ypU7qyfb8Hk-AYMAuojS_5-u4Cio93f7HjFdrOBRlx8vrYtQhRsU01nhFai5LIlAaedwweZ29iCx59g-3bKW2PlQjHaVI_Rygus-0YI7We3/s1600/me+in+process.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBUvSKI-pzgyjinR_cY5a8MG5NiKqM6Cmc3ypU7qyfb8Hk-AYMAuojS_5-u4Cio93f7HjFdrOBRlx8vrYtQhRsU01nhFai5LIlAaedwweZ29iCx59g-3bKW2PlQjHaVI_Rygus-0YI7We3/s320/me+in+process.jpg" width="211" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Photo copyright Katie Riemer</span></span></div>Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4285458481178083056.post-420001697792615932011-09-14T17:21:00.001-07:002011-09-14T21:58:02.097-07:00Because she hums it....The Moon hums<br />
whisper-soft <br />
through my sleepy window,<br />
singing sweet songs <br />
and glorious.<br />
<br />
Her quiet breath<br />
dances across my pillow<br />
and into my drowsy ear,<br />
reminding me that<br />
Summer <br />
isn't long for this world,<br />
that nothing is permanent,<br />
and that<br />
I'd <i>best</i><br />
be appreciating <br />
exactly what I've got.<br />
<br />
Her lullaby<br />
rocks me to consciousness,<br />
out of nightmares, <br />
away from difficult thoughts<br />
that come unbidden in the close darkness;<br />
banishing fears that I did not beckon.<br />
<br />
Her voice is soothing.<br />
<br />
Filled with light and love,<br />
it touches my fevered hurts<br />
like a cool compress<br />
in the oft-lonely night.<br />
<br />
I love Her<br />
and <br />
I am loved by Her<br />
and <br />
for this moment,<br />
all is right <br />
with the Moon-wealthy world.<br />
<br />
"Good night,"<br />
She hums.<br />
<br />
And because She hums it,<br />
it is.<br />
<br />
© Tanya Anguita<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYOAla0H4__E425Kx6ONUI5Jmn8TDZFFTClAOqfAJqiQFqv6OheFjRlD4VwkgU3PSbZF8WOLQ9y-AcJd8cD4u9dolgaHrVJiWPySL-V-YNcwEz0Y3iomJpQr7D6JF51JYArudZ5tTYbIUU/s1600/p365-5074.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYOAla0H4__E425Kx6ONUI5Jmn8TDZFFTClAOqfAJqiQFqv6OheFjRlD4VwkgU3PSbZF8WOLQ9y-AcJd8cD4u9dolgaHrVJiWPySL-V-YNcwEz0Y3iomJpQr7D6JF51JYArudZ5tTYbIUU/s320/p365-5074.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>Tanya Anguitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10261534304962274441noreply@blogger.com3