A Mother is a Thing Unborn

My soul is tired
I do not sleep
Instead I struggle in the deep.
I fret and worry
Toss and turn
As in my head the worries burn.
Am I this,
Or am I that?
Will I succeed or just fall flat?
(Did I fail her?
Did she die
Because I could not answer "Why"?)
Too much to process!
Too much to take!
The thoughts spin round, their thirst won't slake.
A cup not empty,
A cup not full...
I feel bereft and pitiful.
I love my child.
(And shedrivesmenuts!
With all the ifs and ands and buts!)
I hope I show her
All the things
She needs to thrive as a human being.
A heart that walks
Out side my body
I fret that my strengths are too shoddy.
No right to teach
No Wisdom here
Too many things that feel unclear.
I feel unworthy
Not enough
I'm made of all the broken stuff.
I long to help
My fragile thing,
To help her voice be strong, to sing.
There's love and struggle
Mirrored here,
A mirror full of all my fears.
I want to hand her love and glory
To help her live a braver story
She is my light
And all that's good
She's challenge too, and rich in moods.
I think it is a complex thing
This delicate act
Of Mothering.
A mother is a thing unborn
Until a child comes along
And teaches us to sing this song.
My soul is tired
I do not sleep
Instead I struggle in the deep.
I fret and worry
Toss and turn
As in my head the worries burn.

(C) Tanya Anguita

The woman who gave birth to the ocean

This is the story of the woman who gave birth to the Ocean.
This is the story of a river of tears.
This is the story of love and commotion.
This is the story of shedding our fears.

These are the ancients who laughingly love us.
These are the tales that we tell to survive.
These are the glories that live here among us.
These are the wishes that keep us alive.

When you're not with me, do you feel lonely?
When I'm alone I am no less in love.
When you're away, my heart sings "if only".
Please come on home, my sweet turtle dove.

How are the questions the things that can taunt us?
How are the cold stars aligned in the sky?
How often words still unspoken can haunt us!
How many times can a soul ask "but, why?"

You know that I'm here: complete, warm and waiting.
You know that in truth I sing "YES" to your heart!
You know that I love you without hesitating.
I hope you know nothing can break us apart.

Trust is a choice that we make with each moment.
Trust is a double edged sword when used ill.
Trust is a thing that we rarely give freely.
I trust you with all of my Self; always will.

I know what real love is because you have shown me.
I know who I am. I am fierce, strong, and true.
I know that I also am small, scared and weary.
Life's complicated. It seems I am too.

Love is a gift, one that's given quite freely.
Love is a strength and a gift and a boon.
Love has more faces than a dodecahedron.
Love, so discordant yet so finely tuned.

So many facets to ponder each morning.
So many parts of one's self to unfold.
So much forgiveness and so many warnings
So much to learn. Here's to lessons untold.

Finding this love at my age is a blessing.
Finding my way as a mother is too.
Finding myself is an ongoing lesson.
Finding forgiveness for self? Trying to.

She is enchanting -- my strong, vibrant Daughter
She is the power and strength the world needs
She is a whirlwind, a true Force of Nature
She is the ocean.... a wave at full speed.

I am Alive like the woman who bore me.
I am so Blessed by the child I bore.
I know the world in a different way now
That I've birthed a whole ocean and walked on it's shore.

This is the story of the woman who gave birth to the Ocean.
This is the story of a river of tears.
This is the story of love and commotion.
This is the story of sharing our fears.

(c) Tanya Anguita
2019