All photos and content © Tanya Anguita.

Friday, September 25, 2009

9/25/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #29

Pleasantly exhausted and late-night delirious. Thankful for a wonderful day.

Today I sing the gratitudes for:

1) The fact that Eileen is. I love you, Sweet One. Thank you for talking with me to day. You are such a blessing in my life. You're in my heart and thoughts and I adore you!

2) Hooray for a fun afternoon with Amy! Thankyouthankyouthankyou! Love you!

3) Fabulous vintage dresses found today. Been a long time since I've found such fun clothing.

4) An evening with my mom and surrogate Aunt Barbara. Going to Barbara's house is an act of going home. She is amazing. 84, smart, sassy and beautiful. She has been a constant source of love and understanding in my life. I had my first slumber party at her apartment when I was 5 years old. 35 years later, she's still living in the same place and it is comforting and familiar and wonderful to visit her. SO thankful to and for her. So so thankful! And here she is:

1/13/09 -- My Beautiful Aunt Barbara on her 84th Birthday

5) Having a four day weekend rocks. Day 1 = fantabulousness!

6) All of the early birthday wishes are so sweet. Thank you!

7) Falling on the escalator and not doing more than a little bruising of my hand and ego. Phew!

8) Did I mention that I have the rocking-est mom ever? I love being with her so much. SO tickled that she's come down to spend the weekend with me. SO thankful that I get to be her daughter.

9) It was kind of fabulous today to have no cell phone. My battery died and I was reminded of how nice it was to not have one. It was nice to not be able to check my phone or call or or or....

10) So looking forward to the next few days. SO looking forward to it. It feels really nice to have happy anticipation going on. YAY!

Ok...sleep must happen now. Nighty night!

9/24/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #28

I decided that I wasn't actually okay with my house being messy after I got up at 6:30 today and tidied my house. I felt like I had kicked ass by 8 a.m. and it was great way to kick off a day of taking no prisoners. It was also really nice to come home to a neat house. What a relief.

My mommy is visiting! My mommy is visiting yay!

Brevity is the soul of wit tonight so I'm singing the following gratitudes:

1) My mom is visiting! YAY!

2) Not having to set an alarm for the morning for the first time in a very long time!

3) Getting to go see Elizabeth Gilbert speak at the Marin Civic Auditorium tonight was truly wonderful. She is such a brilliant, real, funny, articulate, amazing woman and an excellent public speaker too! Thank you Deb for this amazing birthday gift!!! Thank you thank you thank you! It was an inspiring, interesting, insightful and all around wonderful evening. Glad I waited to have my book signed!

4) Avocados! Yum!

5) Toasted sourdough bread as a late night snack WITH said avocados! Yum squared!

6) The amazing smell of Big Ben roses from my co-worker's yard. She brought me four of them and oh...they are heady and amazing!

7) Again...awkward conversations can sometimes lead to greater clarity. It has been a week for this. I'm thankful for it though when it gets you somewhere that looks like growth and understanding.

8) Figuring out when it is time to sleep even when I feel like I should still be writing!

G'night all!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #27 -- 9/23/09

Strange day. Hard day. Good day. Strange day. Hard day. Good day. The three are not mutually exclusive terms for the same day.

Thankful. Thank FULL! Full of Thanks. Hmmm...

The mind is a baffling place sometimes. It sends me dreams and strange portents. It offers solace from itself. It eats itself and then creates itself anew. I find laughter in the darkest corners of it and sadness sometimes in amongst the light. I gain sleep and anxiety in the same night. I am able to still some thoughts while being run over by others. Did I mention that the mind is a baffling place sometimes?

The gratitudes I sing today include:

1) Getting two nights of decent sleep for the first time in over a month. 8 hours a night for two nights. Miraculous and wonderful. May this trend continue. :)

2) Making the choice to take care of myself rather than push myself this winter. I'm sad not to be a part of something new and shiny and exciting, but SO proud of myself for taking care of ME. This is HUGE step for me as many of you know. Saying "no" to something I would very much like to do, is NOT my strong suit! (understatement...*blush*) But I did it! I did it! And I'm proud of me (even with the wistfulness)! Hooray for personal growth!

3) My mom is coming down for the weekend starting tomorrow and I'm SO excited to get a few days with her. She's my hot date to go see Elizabeth Gilbert speak tomorrow night. Woohoo! Can not WAIT!

Cafe Americain -- Ned

4) Tonight, I finally get to go to hear Cafe Americain ( and the magical session they run at Cafe Trieste in North Beach. I've been hearing about this wonderful evening for a long time but Wednesday rehearsals have always taken precedence. I"m thrilled to finally get to go. (EDIT) OH! It was SO much fun! Silliness plus great musicianship, plus fabulous company, plus yummy plum tart equals WIN!!!! Thank you Carma, Julie, Michael, Ned & Jason for a wonderful evening!!!!

5) I just found out today that the guy I thought was going to be my manager is now NOT going to be. I could do a happy dance right here at my desk, but my co-workers would look at me very strangely if I did. *grin* Hooray! NO Micro-managing Napoleon as my supervisor! YAY!

6) Random humourous chat exchanges that make me literally laugh aloud rock! :)

7) Knowing that I've put clean sheets on the bed and that I get to crawl into them tonight. YAY!

8) Having an awesome doctor who draws diagrams and pulls out books to explain things.

9) Learning to be mostly okay with my house being a little messy with my mom coming to visit. It isn't crazy messy...and I'm starting to get that she's not going to judge me for it. Growth. We love it!

10) Knowing that I only have one more workday this week. Hooray!

11) Going to bed at a reasonable hour again tonight and believing that I'll actually sleep again! YAY!

Hugs abounding!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Too tired

Tonight I'm too tired to sing the gratitudes in type. Please trust that I'm doing so internally. :)

Also...know that I appreciate you all.

Anni had the brilliant idea that tonight's gratitudes should read as follows:

"I have really f*@king weird friends. And I love them all. I can't tag all of you, so I am tagging none of you. Reader? Consider yourself tagged."

This made me laugh so hard....that I'm going with it.

Good night and much love and thankfulness to and for all of you!

Monday, September 21, 2009

9/21/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #26

2/1/09 -- Alameda Flea

I just found much of this in draft from a month ago. I think I'll just expand and edit it . :) Please forgive poor grammar. I am tired and not paying attention. :)

I guess I've been going a little slower on these than I'd originally anticipated. I also think I'm going to let myself be okay with that. :) Go Me! ;)

Those of you who are close to me know that my life has been more than a bit bumpy this summer. I've been going through a lot of personal struggles that have been pretty consuming and I've been really fighting a sense of hopelessness. I think I'm starting to win the battle! HOORAY! (Please know that I am aware that my worries are petty next to some people's...but they are still the things I have to wake and sleep with so they feel real to me. *wry smile*)

Somehow and blessedly I keep coming back to the serenity prayer over the past few weeks, and the part that says "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can" and those two simple and unwittingly complex lines have been offering me consistently good perspective and sanctuary. The "courage" part of that equation is what keeps escaping me. LOL

So my gratitudes today include:

1) The budding ability to look at the things I can change and to not fixate on the things I can't.

2) Receiving a "more than satisfactory" annual review. No raise attached with budget cuts, but still nice to know that I've done well. :)

3) Pints on Friday with Jen. SUCH a treat! Thank you!!

4) The incredibly touching and kind phone call from Eileen that was her gentle way of nudging me about birthday foo. I'm so touched by the efforts of Eileen, Amy, Carma, & Monique. They have taken it out of my hands and for that I'm deeply grateful! Thank you. Many many thank yous!

5) Friends who are willing to have the tough conversations with you even when it makes you both feel upset and vulnerable. The willingness to say the hard things and to work through it is rarely fun, but I'm so grateful that you were willing to say what you needed to say to me. I am deeply sorry I hurt you. Thank you. Truly. That willingness to communicate through the discomfort makes our friendship stronger, and for that I am forever thankful! I love you very much.

6) Ativan. I use it extremely rarely, but on days like today where I wake up in the middle of a full-blown anxiety attack...and can't shake it no matter how much deep breathing I do...these are the days that make me incredibly thankful that better living through chemistry exists. *laugh* Living in the special kind of limbo I've been in this summer has really affected me adversely. I am Trying (yes with a capital T) to find the strength to make all sorts of shifts. Wish me luck. I think I'm going to need it. I did find part about change on this link to be frighteningly apropos:

7) Sushi for lunch. Yum! Yum! Yum!

8) The amazingly wonderful alumni weekend I got to have and share at the Bar 717 Ranch ( in late August. It was miraculous to be able to "go home" like that and to find a place that like Brigadoon stays the same even when the rest of us change. That place informed a lot of who I am today. Six magical summers were spent there during my teenage years and I'm thankful for every moment of my time there. It was Such a treat to reconnect with Joanna, Kristen, Kit, Janet, Emily, Jennifer, Peggy, & Art. Having my mom up there with me again was also a true delight! She's a wonderful woman is my mom. You should have seen her dancing out there! Wowza! 72 years fabulous!

9) Getting to go horseback riding for the first time since 1988 at said reunion was a wonderful thing too. I'd forgotten just how much I loved it and was heartened to find out how easily it came back to me. Holster was a nice horse! Thank you Holster! :) (Now I need to get back on a motorcycle again too! Hmmmmm..... :) )

10) Dancing. Any form of dancing. I have not done enough of it this year and I'm finding the little bits and pieces of dance I'm getting to do on the weekends to be so incredibly good for my soul. Dance is my meditation. It is the only time my brain shuts up. It is the only time that hamster mind goes into blessed hibernation. I have a passionate love for dance. A healthy respect for it. A delight in it. I revel in it and honor it. I think I am a dancer first, then singer, photographer, actor, etc. I feel my most joyful, my most me when I dance. I feel truly alive. I need to find a way to do more of it. I truly do.

11) Being tired enough at 11 to finally get some sleep at a reasonable hour! HOORAY! Praying for no insomnia tonight!

Much love to all!

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #25 - 9/20/09

2/14/09 -- Wistful

I need to get back into the habit of singing the gratitudes. :) I like me better when I do. I'm just so bad at making them short because once I start writing it seems like the flood of thoughts rush to the surface like an overflowing stream just after the first snow melt. They are powerful and overwhelming and I get swept away by them.

The past couple of months have been so filled with emotional turmoil for me that I've lost sight of the beauty in my life. Insomnia and Depression have been chasing Psyche around with big sticks and I've been too mired in the basement to recall the things that bring me this tangible and re-readable way. *shakes finger at self in a scolding fashion* This is good for me damnit! LOL!

This weekend, I got many reminders of the glorious positives in my world, and here I am at 1:00 a.m. writing instead of sleeping because my too-busy brain won't let me rest. :)

May as well turn the insomnia lemons into gratitude lemonade. *grin*

My gratitudes tonight include:

1) Having SO much fun with Commedia Volante. I appreciate, respect and admire them! I especially appreciate their kindness, humor, brilliance, and support. There is something truly wonderful about a troupe that laughs with AND at you when you have a flying hairpiece moment or a mad, headless chicken brain fart on stage. LOL. Thank you all!

2) Singing with Serenata. The challenges that singing with them afford me musically have been great for my brain and my musicality. I LOVE it! YAY growth!

3) The Newcastle English Country Dancers and getting to dance with all of you again! WHAT a treat and what a joy. Dancing with all of you is an act of finely honed is sharp and sweet and so life-quenching! AND getting to see Michelle again this weekend was one of the highlights of the whole weekend. :)

4) Anni. She is at once my soul sister, one of my best friends, my tmi buddy,my emotional bra, one of my very safest places, my sanity keeper, my darlingk buttlingk, my blurter of random phrases, my llama fanatic and one of my dearest confidantes. Tonight she chatted with me on the phone all the way home from faire and we are continuing our chat on IM even as I type this. What a blessing she is.

5) Interpretive dance with Melissa on Saturday night. :) :) You make one incredibly hot Green Lantern My Dear.

6) Getting to catch up with my beloved Monique on Friday night....hearing her gentle voice talk about her beautiful babies and her life. Also her kindly interest in me and my life, when I know she must be so tired. Our friendship turns 20 this year. I do not know who I'd be without you, Dear One. So thankful to and for you. Next year, we have to take our friendship out and get it drunk. It will be legal then. *grin*

7) Making old friends blush...and the great conversations and shared laughter that come with mutual respect and years of history. Thank you! :)

8) The joy of "recognizing" Colleen. :) Hooray! Thank you!

9) Gaining some clarity over next steps in my life. This is a bitter-sweet form of gratitude, but a gratitude never-the-less.

10) Silly blue wigs are made of win!

11) Talking with Peter at the end of a long Sunday.

Ok...I know there are many more, but I'm finally sleepy so I think it is time for me to go to bed.

Much love to all!
Sweet dreams!