All photos and content © Tanya Anguita.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Before the Exhale

when silence is comfort
when alone-ness is not loneliness
when stillness is an act of grace

this is the eye in the storm,
the pause before the exhale,
the quiet prior to the thunder clap.

now is the time.
this is the moment.

refill your cup from the well of peacefulness,
breathe in the sweet scent of solitude,
savor the soundless-ness of serenity

for tranquility,
my friend,
is fleeting;

and peace of spirit,
is a blessing from the gods.
© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #62 -- April 28, 2011


It has been a quiet month for writing for me.  I miss it.  So here I am at midnight, writing my gratitudes instead of sleeping.  *wry smile*

I'm feeling proud of myself for small life gestures that get me where I want to go.

I'm remembering that the baby steps are, in and of themselves, valuable. They are the small, daily miracles that move us ever forward on our journey and are so often overlooked. Thank goodness they exist. I am finally starting to appreciate them for themselves. It is a lovely feeling.

The sun has been shining again of late and it is making me smile.  I love the rain, but I also love cool, crisp, Spring, skirt-wearing days!  :)  Hooray!

I have so much to be thankful for.  So much.  And I am thankful moment by moment, hourly, is finding the time to write about it that I find difficult.  I'm feeling over-calendared and overwhelmed and I still don't know how to balance it all.  I'm so wealthy in friends and in activities and I'm thankful beyond belief for you and for them.  I just need to learn to build in more time for me to contemplate my navel and to write and breathe and dream and think. 

Speaking of dreams have been working double time this month.  This past couple of weeks have kicked my butt sideways such that my dream life has gotten very bizarre of late. And by bizarre I mean "Freud would get a hard on for my dreams" weird.  It is nice to be remembering dreams again...I'd just like it if the "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?  Brain?  Where on earth did THAT come from?" factor would mellow out a little.  *grin*

In other news, I'm feeling good in my skin again and loving the me that I am.  Taking the 148 stairs in my office every time I think about it.  It seems to average out to somewhere between 2 -5 times a day.  Walking a lot and hopefully regaining some of my health in the process.  After months of forced inactivity it feels really good to be moving in some way again...physically, psychically, and emotionally.  Baby steps are still steps and they are good.

Let me say that again:  Baby Steps Are Still Steps and They Are Good!!

So since I'm all over the map tonight, let me sing my gratitudes tonight as follows:

1) My weekend of Ani with Anni. What an amazing couple of days. So much love, so much warmth, so much comprehension and ease, so much much. Thank you, Anni. *sniff* *sniff* ;) 

2)Thank you also to the Divine Laura Bee for coming to play with us!  Such a treat to get time with you two!

3) Feeling good in my skin again.  Coming back to the me I like and love and respect.  I wrote a piece about that the other day.  Maybe I'll post it later. :)

4) Baby steps.  I loves them. :)

5) Feeling confident in my photography again.  Enjoying it and feeling good about the results I'm seeing.  Knowing that I have on days and off days, but the on days are on more often and the off days are becoming fewer and further between.

6) Making music.  Singing more.  Learning the uke.  I learned something that most of you probably already know, but somehow I'd missed in my uke class a couple of weeks ago.  I had somehow managed to miss the correlation between the vibration of sound and the correlation to the vibration of colour.  So we see what we hear and we hear what we see.  How did I not know about this?  All I know is that I'm tickled to be learning about it now.  Much more reading to be done on the subject soon, methinks! It speaks so beautifully to my musical self and to my photographic light and colour loving self.

7) Learning new things.  Every day that I learn something new is a great day.

8) This quote: "When you make peace with yourself, you make peace with the world." - Maha Ghosananda

9) Getting time with Annalisa and her wonderful family in the company of my beloved Mom this past Monday.  I have known her my whole life.  Literally.  And I love her and am completely in love with her kids. 

10) Celebrating Carma's birthday.  We've been friends for "mumbledy mumble" years and I can't wait for "mumbledy mumble" more. *grin*

11) Laura's visit and getting to share some clicky whee knowledge with her.  Thank goodness for soul sisters. 

12) Holly and Jolie and re-patterning. So good.  

13) Mercury going direct. :)

14) Getting to go home tomorrow for the weekend.  Can't wait!  YAY!

15) Discovering the amazingness of Ari Hest and this song in particular:  Because it speaks to me.

16) Healthy re-potted plants.  I love it when I can help green things grow and thrive.

And on that note, I'm going to sleep.   :) 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Coming Back

i am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many years
at the front of a war
i did not choose.

celebrating my homecoming
with loved ones,
over shared bread and laughter;

wine and roses
a feast for the senses
after fasting for far too long.


I am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many months
of a solitary confinement
i did not deserve.

weeping with relief and gratitude
at the gift of clean air
and cool light on my skin

the sight of beloved faces
a not-so-small kindness that
enfolds me in its comfort
after tireless touch-hungry days
in the darkness.


i am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many nights
lost in the wilderness
with no map to guide me.

enjoying again
the gently sloping landscape
of my confidence;

small mountain flowers
tucked gracefully
into cracks in the granite.


i am coming back to myself;
to the wild leanings
of my soul

with the mountain goats in my fertile heart;
in the newly-thawed lakes of awakening,

the wind in my spirit
whistles a jaunty tune
as it dances through the alpine trees
that sway too and fro by dawn's light.


i am coming back to myself;
to the contented me
that i wear like a well-worn sundress

easy and soft to the touch,
smelling like Summer and satisfaction,
i accept myself,
with all of my faults and glories,
exactly as i am.
right now.


i am coming back to myself
to the beloved me
that is like an open kitchen window
on baking day,

enticement in the form of
warm pie and completeness

sending the sweet scent of
abundance and welcome
wafting over the meadows nearby.


i am coming back to myself.
sunlight in the shadows,
windows in the architecture,
light where light hasn't shone for a long time.


i am coming back to myself
empathy in every exchange
and love in every corner.

from van-winkle-like sleep,
to the sensuality
that i feared dead.

embracing desire.

wanting again
in the still of the night.


i am coming back to myself
appreciating my strength
applauding my talents
accepting compliments
for everyone and everything.


i am coming back to myself

with gentleness as a mantle
with humor as my flashlight
with a truth i thought i had forgotten
with compassion overflowing my outstretched hands.


i am coming back to myself
with patience as my guide
with willingness my lodestone
with knowledge of my value
with grace;
owning my beauty


i am coming back to myself
with confidence
with integrity
with respect
with belief.

i am coming back to myself.
with love.

© Tanya Anguita.

Monday, April 18, 2011


an apology at the witching hour
a year late and
far more than a paltry dollar short

i am here.
alone with my thoughts.
haunted by fading ghosts.

looking in the mirror
i don't see myself,
i see you.

your actions
inform my reflection;

altering what i saw a year ago,

into something wiser
perhaps a little warier;
bone-weary from your storm.


carved into my skin,

sits tight around my mouth,
in lines deep and wounded;
furrowed by sleeplessness and sorrow.

pain inflicted
in my

am i lonely tonight?


are you?

my sense of purpose,
blackened in the fallout,
is bruised.

the salve,

a blossoming belief
that it was not me,

applied liberally
morning and night,
turns the throbbing purple
of those hurts
to a pale yellow
almost invisible
to the unaware,
but still sometimes
to the touch.

admire the laughter that lingers
in my proud crows' feet .

new skin
over old wounds.

i remind myself


i am good
i am kind

i can not live with myself
if i can not forgive you....

can i?

are you banking on that?

you who toyed
with my gentle heart
for your own amusement.

who broke me like no other has
with your shocking selfishness.

who use others
in an attempt to fill the gaping hole
that you have not learned to fill yourself.

your ever-hungry ego,
searching for strokes
when what you need most
to love,
to like

can you?

are you able?
do you know selflessness?
are you brave enough
to face yourself?

the me emerging from the mirror
for your sake,
that you are.

the me in the glass,
that pushes past you to see herself,
says prayers
for your awakening.

the me in the glass,
mistreated by you,
is trying to wish you well.

help me out here,
tell me
how am i to forgive you so easily?

is my heart that big?
can i be?
am i capable?

i am.

i love.
i release.
i forgive.

both of us.

forgiving you
releases me

and my heart flies free
to sing again.

© Tanya Anguita