All photos and content © Tanya Anguita.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I taste you in my sleep...

The subtle spice
of sex and salt,
sweet on my tongue;
I taste you in my sleep.

Your seductive scent,
the harbinger of memory and want,
teases me in the half light of dawn.

I feel your fingers
tangled in my hair,
and the push and pull
as you guide me.

There is no focus anymore,

Just You

are all there is,
the Only thing;

If crawling under your skin
were actually an option
I'd try it

Just to be

who are summer and seduction
on these cold winter nights.

who are the secret smile
on long busy days.

who are the stealer
of sensible thought,
in poorly lit rooms
after hours.

In the cool twilight,
I wrap your Heat
around me
ride it
through the darkness.

I burn for you
when I am alone.


are all these things
and more
am like a woman
found again
in the fiery sweetness
of your touch.

The subtle spice
of sex and salt,
sweet on my tongue;
I taste you in my sleep.

© Tanya Anguita

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #68 -- December 8, 2011

I think today might be about remembering that every moment of the day is a different moment, a new moment, and that many things can happen in one day to affect the way I think and feel.  It is up to me to hang on for the ride and remember that in the next moment, something may cheer me up. That I may find something to be thankful for. That a laugh may be shared between friends or strangers. And that it is possible to experience many days within one day.

Overall I'm doing pretty well these days. I realized this afternoon that I haven't written my gratitudes fora  couple of months and that just doesn't feel right. I'm deeply thankful for some positive change that is starting to happen in my life.  I'm working hard to make even more positive change happen.  It seems like things may be shifting a little in that direction (please oh please oh please. *wry grin*), and for that I'm deeply grateful.

These past couple of months (heh..years maybe?) have been long ones.  I have learned a lot about myself during that time.  I have found that pain is a great leveler.  It teaches humility and preaches patience.  I am learning that Raging against it gets me nowhere except for angry and tense...which further exacerbates the pain.

I won't lie.  It sucks to be in pain.  I am learning to find ways that I can work with it and not against it, if that makes any sense.  I don't mean that I plan to accept it, as it were, just that the energy it takes to be mad about it, could be better used by finding a way to make peace with it and to working through it.  I'm starting to feel much better (touch wood) and I'm also aware that with a bulging disk that I'm likely to go through waves of this on and off in my life so I'd best learn good coping skills for when I do.  :) 

I found myself thinking about this a lot while at acupuncture a few weeks ago. I heard my inner voice telling my neck "I love you."  It was an "a-ha" moment for me.  I realized that visualizing my neck as "well" and sending it good energy was a much more useful way to spend my time than resenting how it was.  I suppose this is true across life really.  Sometimes I forget when I'm in pain.  Huh...Yeah.

Let me put it this way:

The truth is that when I'm in pain (whether it be physical or emotional) I forget to be kind to myself.  I forget to take stock of the things that DO work.  I dwell, instead, on the things that don't and get myself further stuck instead of looking for ways out.  Even though I'm unhappy and uncomfortable, it feels safer to stay stuck, than it does to look at and leap at the unknown.  It is easier to stay unhappy sometimes than it is to make change happen.  To give into the unknown as it were, even if the unknown is has the potential to be better and the status quo does not. It is...well...UNKNOWN and therefore scary.  I've stayed in jobs, relationships, friendships, etc. because of that fear.  I don't like living like that and I really don't want to any more so I'm working on making some of that shift.  Honestly, I've done it a lot in my life and it doesn't feel good.  I am trying not to judge myself for it, but I don't want to DO that anymore. I state it because I want to be kept accountable for it.  And to ask for help with it. 

At any rate,  life is (touch wood) seeming to be looking up a little, and that is good.  Hooray!

I'm starting to take some career change workshops through my work and that feels like progress.  I'm loving my friendships and the people in my life as always (which is a remarkable amount).  I'm starting to feel a little bit more like perhaps I can start to do some form of movement again health wise and that is soooo exciting to me.

Plus, I'm really, REALLY enjoying performing at Dickens Fair this year, loving my show, my cast, my friends and my new song.  Feeling good about my performances overall and enjoying the social aspects of it all.  I haven't really performed much this year and the lack of it makes it all that much sweeter because I really chose it this season.  AND, I'm particularly thankful to be there because given the state of my neck in October, I didn't know if I'd be able to do this show at all.  Hooray!

So without further ado, I sing my gratitudes as follows:

1)  For the safety of my friends after car accidents.  I'm so thankful.  So so so thankful. I love you so much. 

2 ) I'm thankful for my family and friends.  You are the biggest and most amazing blessings in my life.

3) SO happy to be feeling like I'm on the mending side of pain.  Looking forward to Yoga again soon.

4) Having a great time doing Dickens Fair this year.  Thankful for my new song and the joy that singing it brings.  It feels great. :)

5) Having Laura Gregory up at Dickens Fair every weekend.  SO good!

6) Anni being her last weekend and getting REAL time with her and going to see Jake Shimabukuro & Leftover Cuties and YAY!

7) Jake Shimabukuro.  He's amazing.  Yep!

8) Career change workshops.  :)

9) Katie & Michael.  Always always always Katie & Michael

10) The chicken soups of the world tour I'm doing this week to try to stave off the scratchy, sore throat I've been fighting since Tuesday.  So far it has been Matzo Ball soup from Saul's, Sopa Azteca from Picante, Chicken Pho from Le Cheval.  I think tonight may be hot & sour soup from Great China, but not sure yet.  It has felt very good and very curative. I feel so lucky to be able to do this.  I know I'm blessed.

11) Cute new hats that make me feel sassy.

12) Beats Antique.  Yum.

13) Secret Squirrel Smiles. :)

14) Friends who are kind enough to understand and say "hey...just take care of yourself" when one is fighting sick foo.  Thanks to all of you this week and always. :)  I think it is working.  *crossing things*

15) Chris.  For a million gazillion reasons, but this week for handing me a computer that is usable after 2 months of not having one at home.  THANK YOU.

16) Kissing.  I am a big fan.  Mmm hmmm. :)

17) Reminders like this: 

I think that is a nice place to end for tonight.  Hooray!

May your days be full of thankfulness. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Summon the Night

Summon the Night, no wishes constrain.
Welcome Desire, from nothing abstain.

Bring on the Tempest; the war in my bed.
The thunder and lightning aren’t just in our heads
Writhe in the Water and reach for that wall.
Arch strong against me. Give me your all
Call in the Fire to set us aflame.
Drop your defenses, this isn’t a game.
Groan out your wanting, invoke Passion's yearning;
Finish what you start! Don't leave me here burning.

You know that you want me, your eyes tell me so
You claim to be fearless, so come on, let's go!
Conjure your Demons, then welcome them in
Dismiss any worries, embrace all your sins.
Erase lonely Longing with Fulfilled Desire.
Tinder to flames, this bed is our pyre.
Beckon the Fever and turn on the stars;
When tangled together, Love, all nights are ours.

Petition the ravens of Memory and Thought
To finally release us to this heat we've wrought.
Give me your kisses, your touch and your gasp.
Your skin in the Moonlight is rapture to grasp
Invite me to bite you, while limbs intertwine
In this moment, Lover, I'm yours and you're mine!
Haste now to taste me, to savor my touch;
Pushed to the edge? Please don't say it's too much.

Invoking the Earth, grounded by lust
It supports our strong bodies, each movement, each thrust.
Bewitched and bewildered, beneath me, on top
We sing to the Night sky, "Please, don't let this stop"
Signal your craving; tie me in knots.
However you want it, I'll give all I've got.
Pin both my arms down and give me your weight
Tease me and please me before it's too late.

Entreat me to meet you as we move our hips
Extract “Hallelujah!” from our parted lips
Elicit "Oh god!” with our tongues in the dark
As a prayer to the Holy of Passion's Bright Spark
We'll stir up the West Wind with each gasping breath
Pushing and pulling, towards the Small Death
Tempt me to haunt you; to threaten your calm
We'll sing our release in a passionate Psalm.

Raw heat engulfs us, as Passion takes flight,
So abstain from nothing, and Summon the Night

© Tanya Anguita

Friday, October 7, 2011

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Postive #67 -- October 6, 2011

I'm fumbling with my gratitude.  I've been dropping it in the dirt and stepping over it instead of picking it up.  Feeling resentful that I feel guilty about not embracing it.

I'm realizing that Depression does that.  I'm not talking little "d" depression...the kind you feel when you have a bad day or even a bad couple of days.  I'm talking Big "D" Depression...the kind that rattles your foundation for weeks and months and sometimes years at a time, hinders your sleep, messes with your joy, destroys your clear self-perception, removes your perspective, screws up your appetite, and leaves you in the lightless sub-basement of your psyche feeling like there is no way out.

I'm talking about the kind that feeds you poison that you willingly drink because "why're just a piece of nothing important anyway so why not drink in the cruel things you tell yourself?"

I'm talking about the kind that most people don't want to talk about in the first person because it is, even today, taboo to mention.  There is shame associated with it.  Embarrassment that one might have it.  Shhh...I have Depression...Shhhh....

Well I'm here to talk about it tonight.  I'm here to look at it and discuss it.  I've got it, I've had it for years, I resent the fuck out it and while I'm pretty good at coping with it or masking it or hiding it a lot of the time, it quite often lives with me like a hairshirt that I cannot ever completely remove.

I inherited it from my dad, and I feel blessed that, unlike my father, I don't feel the need to drown it in a bottle like he did.  I have compassion for him in part because I share this blight on my spirit.  I'm just lucky because I have better resources available to me, and kinder coping tools.

I've found that the tipping point from "having a bad day or 3" into "I'm trapped in the dark recesses of my soul and I'll never get out" is often hard to detect until later...and by the time I'm in it, I may be able to see what got me here, but I'm at a complete loss for how to extract myself from it.

Also, it often takes me a while to recognize that I'm IN it.  That Depression has me in its grips and isn't letting go.  It is too close, and it often looks like circumstance.  It takes me not wanting to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone for me to start to recognize it.  It takes me crying regularly and often uncontrollably, not feeling resilient, on the edge of brittle at all times, and feeling constantly like I'm going to implode before I can see that I'm neck deep in it.  Before I have the A-Ha moment that shows me "oh crap...I'm having a bout of Depression...bleh."

I've done a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy over the years.  It has been a tremendous tool for me and has helped me to grow as a person, as a friend, and to, at the core, love myself.  I'm incredibly thankful for it.

I look at therapy as being a lot like finding a good spiritual teacher; you go once a week and sit with your teacher, your teacher gives you some good fodder for thought and maybe some homework to do, you spend the week working on those thoughts and that homework and you come back to your teacher having learned something more about yourself and about the process of growth, just in time for your teacher to give you the next lesson.  It is fantastic.  There should never be shame in it.  There is no failing in going to a therapist/ fact, you should be proud of yourself because you are choosing to take care of yourself and to face the things that do not serve you any more.

The hard part is that you actually have to shop for a therapist.  You have to find one that is a good fit for you.  They have to feel right, to have the right balance for YOU of listening, giving feed back, asking questions and you have to feel that you can trust them.  When you're in the middle of Big "D" Depression, it is hard sometimes to persevere through the interview process, but when you find someone that is a good match, it is really rewarding.

In addition, I believe that medication, when monitored can be helpful.  I've been on and off Wellbutrin over the past several years and it is a useful tool when I need it.  It has helped me to get to a place where I can at least see the light under the door in the sub-basement which eventually allows me to walk toward it, and then up the stairs into the basement, and then up more stairs into the light of day.

I find it disturbing that the current trend in Depression treatment is primary care doctors prescribing anti-depressants and then not monitoring how they affect you while simultaneously not suggesting therapy in conjunction with their use.  And, that being said, sometimes something is better than nothing to get you out of that hole.

I know medication is a loaded topic.  I'm not saying that it is for everyone.  Hell, I did many years of therapy, with therapists suggesting that I try meds and me fighting them about it before I'd even try them myself.  Ultimately though, I'm glad I did.  And what I'm saying is that it has helped ME personally and that I believe there shouldn't be a stigma attached to taking it.  I'm not here to debate the merits or demerits of it.  Please don't start.  I'm simply speaking from my own experience.   I am thankful for medication when I need it and for therapy as well.  Yep!

I guess I had a lot on my mind.  If anyone is still reading then let me sing my gratitudes as follows;

1) I'm thankful that I don't feel shame about having Depression.  Frustration? Yes.  Resentment?  Yes.  But NO shame.

2) I'm thankful to Laura for writing her Good today.  It reminded me that writing these is always good for me...even when I don't know what is going to come out.

3) I'm thankful to Katie for a hilarious conversation tonight that involved crazy hand gestures and the phrase "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Katie...the Health Educator".  Also...PIGEONS ...I swear...PIGEONS!

4) I'm deeply thankful to Nathan for his gifted acupuncture ability, for his patience when I go melty, and for his kindness.

5) I'm thankful to and for Whitney.  For a wonderful healing massage, for happy listening, and for your continued friendship.

6) I'm INCREDIBLY thankful that I seem to be healing from this last bout of neck hell and that I fairly consistently turn my head almost normally and without pain or arm numbness after 2 1/2 weeks of pain and deep discomfort. (Again...thank you Nathan.)  Next up, please the gods, dancing and yoga again...oh please oh please oh please.

7) Better living through chemistry.

8) Friends who trust me and share their hurts and fears along with their joys and triumphs with me.  I am honored.  Truly.

9) I love honey.

10) Fantastic, clever reminders to do breast exams.  This is both of those things with some YUM thrown in for good measure:

11) Selling a print of one of my photos this week.  It feels good.

12) Learning new words like bloviate and borborygmos and being able to share the delight of the word petrichor. :)

13) Being a word nerd.

14) I like socks. :)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

no longer

i am angry and shaking with it


i am taken and consumed

you have trespassed on my good nature


you have walked through my belief


you have broken my trust by abusing my friendship


i have allowed it.


i have welcomed you time and again


i have supported you no matter what

i am done now
i mean it this time


i will not be treated this way


my heart pounds with this rage that's inside me


it beats faster than fury.


i never deserved this


we were so good together


we had laughter and fire


we are no more in any way

you see

we are through now

there's no

we are not "we" any more


you who professed to love me


you who talked of a life together


you can't come to this table


you aren't my friend any more.

© Tanya Anguita 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Open Heart

can't breathe,
too full.
ache's here,
passion's fool.
i want..
i wish..
he was bird,
i was fish.
i was happy,
he was gruff.
there was friendship,
i want  love.
fear haunts.
fires burn.
i live.
i learn.
"next time,"
i think,
"i'll get it right,
this love won't sink."
busy bodied,
hurried mind,
the next one left
me behind.
don't stop,
please stay.
this one ran.
that one's away.
this one teases.
that one hides.
i please.
i provide.
simple shelter,
open heart,
open booked
from the start.
these fevered thoughts!
sorrow's laughter...
i want the "yes,
forever after."
i have seen it,
it exists.
i bore witness
to wedded bliss.
so much beauty,
so many graces;
watching love
on both their faces.
their union is
authentic; real!
and that's the way
i want to feel.

and so
i wonder,
alone tonight,
will i ever
get love right?

i hope.
i yearn.
i'm so damned ready,
when's my turn?

© Tanya Anguita

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive ... er...the Honest. #66 -- September 22, 2011

I'm not feeling positive today.  I'm feeling downright blue.  Self-pitying and not proud of it.  I have fallen out of the practice of thankfulness this past month and I'm really feeling it.  

On the one hand, that is ok.  I mean I'm coming to recognize that sometimes I just get to feel how I feel...happy or not...and that I don't have to stifle that in order to be a "better" person.  I just get to be how I am in the moment and that is good enough.  I think I'm really getting that as I type it so let me say it again:  I just get to be how I am in the moment and that is good enough.  Me. Right now.  Good enough.   Check!

My default setting is kindness.  I'm generous of spirit and I'm loving.  That doesn't mean I can't ever have unkind, grumpy, selfish moments, days, or even months.  They don't lessen who I am as a whole as long as I don't LIVE from those places ALL the time and as long as I don't act from a place of small-mindedness, pettiness, malice, or meanness.  I'm not prone to doing that, nor have I ever been, so there is little danger there.  

I read an article this week entitled "Why Women Aren't Crazy". It really has me thinking about how I express myself and how I don't.  I keep looking at how often I stifle my feelings if they're not all roses and sunshine.  I keep noticing how guilty I feel if I'm not HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!!  

Like so many of us, I grew up being gaslighted about my feelings by my father and then by various and sundry partners over the years.  

My mom, in her gentle way, kept telling me that I needed to "go with the flow" and that I should be "more compassionate."  Now, let me just state clearly here that my mom actually walks her talk.  She is probably the most compassionate, patient, gentle, loving soul I know.  I am deeply blessed to have her as my mother and to have the amazing relationship that I share with her.  I admire her so much.  I admire her in particular for her ability to let go and to have genuine compassion in her heart for most everyone.  I strive for that. I am not blessed with her infinite patience though, so I'm still striving and often come up short in that arena.  It is a lot to live up to.

My dad, however, was a real piece of work who constantly told me that I was a bullshitter and a liar when he didn't like what I'd said or done.  He discounted my feelings, he was brilliant, he was mean, and he had very little patience.  Not a great combination as his child.

So somehow it is not surprising that when I have an angry, frustrated, impatient, or in any way "negative" feeling, I feel like I'm failing, and like I shouldn't be having it.  Can we see where this is going? 

I have spent so much of my life trying to be the "not crazy" "not difficult" girlfriend/friend/daughter/co-worker/partner that I don't always know what to do with myself when I can and SHOULD be angry, down, frustrated, pissed off and otherwise not calm.   I often end up feeling quietly resentful, and as Carrie Fisher so beautifully put it "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."  Yeah...not so useful.

I went to acupuncture Tuesday with the brilliant Nathan, and he commented on the fact that TMJ (which I have) is more prevalent in women than in men...generally because we so often bite down hard on the things we really feel and want to say.  Not surprisingly, I'm also still, er, chewing on this idea too.  It all seems to tie in.  

Yesterday I found in 3 places the reminder to "do something every day that scares you".    Three different reminders...with pretty much exactly those words.

Then today, Thalassa posted this:  which is giving me even more food for thought.  

Think the universe is trying to tell me something?  Just maybe?  *wry smile*

I suck at conflict.  I don't like to "rock the boat".  I am not fond of "being difficult", but today I need to do something that scares me.  Especially in light of the fact that I have my evaluation review today, and everything I read in the first draft feels like a backwards compliment and has me second-guessing myself.  I need to stand up for myself in this performance evaluation and calmly express my feelings that my review is inaccurate and unfair.   And right now, this moment, this kind of makes me want to throw up.  Ugh.

Couple this fear with the fact that my neck has been out badly since Friday and I've been in consistent pain ever since, and it doesn't make for the most positive Tanya ever.  

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd like to feel positive today and I don't know how, or even if I should or need to.  I just need to feel how I feel and accept that it is enough. 

So yes,  I recognize that I have much to be thankful for.  So so much.  Good friends, an active life, a roof over my head, a job, family that I love, like and respect, and so much love and caring that I am wealthy with it.   As always, I do not take any of that for granted.  Ever. Period.

And?  I'm not happy today.  I'm tired.  I'm frustrated. I'm lonely.  I'm grumpy.  I'm scared. AND? I'm in a lot of pain.  I don't like it one bit.  I resent it like hell.  And I want it all to change for the better.  Stat.

So please hear me when I tell you, I'm game to find my gratitude again tomorrow.  But today?  I'm just trying to be ok with the fact that things are not okay.  

And that?  Is a huge step for me.  

 Photo copyright Katie Riemer

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Because she hums it....

The Moon hums
through my sleepy window,
singing sweet songs
and glorious.

Her quiet breath
dances across my pillow
and into my drowsy ear,
reminding me that
isn't long for this world,
that nothing is permanent,
and that
I'd best
be appreciating
exactly what I've got.

Her lullaby
rocks me to consciousness,
out of nightmares,
away from difficult thoughts
that come unbidden in the close darkness;
banishing fears that I did not beckon.

Her voice is soothing.

Filled with light and love,
it touches my fevered hurts
like a cool compress
in the oft-lonely night.

I love Her
I am loved by Her
for this moment,
all is right
with the Moon-wealthy world.

"Good night,"
She hums.

And because She hums it,
it is.

© Tanya Anguita

Friday, August 19, 2011


i am thinking now
of the labors of love
and how they follow us;
of the small gestures
and the gentle touches that heal.

i am remembering a time
when pain
wasn't your constant;
when your laughter would trill,
in jubilant counterpoint,
to the melody being sung
by the loved ones
around you.

what stifled your joyous harmony?
what silenced your song?

when did this dark sadness
become the thing
that held your hand
while it choked you?

what choices left you in these murky waters,
swimming for the shores of your well-being
from a hospital bed?

how did you get
so ...

did you send up a flare?
tap out an s.o.s.?
was there a message in a bottle
flung from the cliffs of your delicate psyche
that could be found
on a distant shore
and recognized
as a cry for assistance?

you were rudderless,
no one knew.

there was no dove with an olive branch
to guide us to your hurts.

no faithful dog to let us know
you'd fallen down the well.

were we so blind that none of us saw you?
so deaf that we could not hear your whisper-quiet pleas?

did you think you could go it alone?
did you think you had to?

i'm thinking now of your son --
a grown man
looking like a lost child --
feeding you ice chips from a plastic spoon.

was an act of deepest caring,
by the vibrating panic
humming silently
beneath the sounds of the machines
hooked into you
to track your vitality
(as if any machine
could truly do that).

endless love and endless pain
were wrapped so tightly around each other
in that moment,
that it rendered it
to identify
where one started
the other finished.

i crept out the door
wept quietly
in the hallway
fearing the worst,
hoping for the best.
for you to know
how cherished
you truly are.

i am thinking now
of the labors of love
and how they follow us...

© Tanya Anguita

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Lost and Found...

In this moment
there are no other moments
am lost
in you.

In this kiss
there are no other kisses
are lost
in me.

In that space
the Kiss
the Exhale
there is
one mingled

Our breath,

are lost
in each other.

Breathe with me, Beloved!

Breathe into the heady sweetness
that is
this moment,
this kiss,
this breath
(indrawn and urgent)
that we take
that we give
that we share
so that
this Kiss
that much,

In that depth,
there are no other depths,
am Found
in you.

And with that depth,
comes the knowledge
Oh Yes!
the Knowledge
(the sweet, satisfied Knowledge!)
that in this instant
for an instant
have found your Self
in me.

In that truth,
there are no other truths,

We are Lost
We are Found
through this Kiss;
in this Moment;
with this Breath;
Together and Separately;


© Tanya Anguita 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Phoenix Rising

there is fire
in my fire
and i
don't want to put it out.

i want to be reborn in it --
phoenix-like and mighty.

To revel in it;
to walk through it,
bare foot and naked,

-- unadorned --

with the
heated light
of need;
it's glow
brushing my waiting skin
with the flames of
wanton desire
while i burn with it.

from the inside out,
my skin threatens
to catch light;
to burst
with the burgeoning ardor
that fuels my waking dreams.

i am hot and hungry
torrid and taut
on edge and on my game.


for the match to meet my tinder,

for the wildfire
of warm hands on fiery flesh

and for the aftermath
of ashes
cooling in my mouth.

there is fire
in my fire...
and i am
the phoenix rising.

© Tanya Anguita  

Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Leg of Comfort

When I want to make the statement
but not invite full commentary,
I come here,
to my safe place,
and write it all out.

You see,
I'm lonely.

Once again,
the bed is too big.

There is too much…
in the space between me
and the bare white wall.

There is no beloved face on the pillow beside me.
No blanket stealer to curl up next to
in the morning’s wee hours.

What I am missing most tonight --
more than your steady breath in the darkness,
more than the heat of our passion 
(which lit me from the inside and set my soul on fire);
more, even, than the deliciousness of shared laughter at midnight --
is the leg of comfort,
just in reach,
under the winter covers.

Tonight, I miss most
the gentle reassurance
of your calf in the bed next to me,
and with it, the simple ability
to reach with my foot in the still darkness
half dreaming,
and breathe a sigh of sleepy relief
upon finding you there.

An empty bed
when one is
to the nearness of love
is hard to navigate.

When you are next to me,
all familiar and warm,
with your hand in mine,
your breath steady on the pillow,
and the leg of comfort within easy reach,
I am soothed and reminded,
even in my deepest sleep,
that you are near by,
All is Well,
and I am not alone.

© Tanya Anguita  

Friday, July 29, 2011


is what i feel
alive and luscious
waiting to be....
hanging on the vine of life
converting sunshine
to sweetness
and waiting
to be put in your mouth.

© Tanya Anguita  

Friday, July 1, 2011

Living libido loco....

by want and mystery,
I am too warm,
burning with need.

Living libido loco.

against the confines
of my skin.

Tasting salt and succor
in the subtleties of
a waking dream.

Fantasy blurs reality
in the slippery darkness.

I am a construct
my vivid memories.

Flame to tinder
Thought to fire
Heat to desire

splayed before me,
eyes half shut,
a sheen of sweat
on your suggestive skin.

The flavor of your desire
(salty sweet)
rich on my lips.

Our scent by candlelight
(musk and want)
our agile bodies

by want and mystery,
I am too warm,
burning with need.

Living libido loco.

against the confines
of my skin.

© Tanya Anguita  

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #65 -- June 29, 2011

Writing my Gratitudes, like any form of exercise done right, brings nothing but good.  Like dancing or yoga or walking, writing my Gratitudes gets me in shape, tones my mind and soul, brings good energy to the forefront and calms my spirit because I’m DOING something.  Yoda had it right:  There is no try, only do.  *wry grin*

I need this kind of forward motion in all arenas of my life.  I need it mentally, physically, spiritually & emotionally.  Writing these helps me when I feel like I'm going creatively and emotionally (brace yourself for unfortunate word) flabby. 

(Ugh...”flabby” now officially goes on my list of unpleasant words along with "moist", “flaccid”, “puberty” and “panties”.  God help you if you put all of them together! *snork*)

At any rate, the only way to strengthen my writing muscles is to work them out.  I need to stretch them and use them for them to become strong and pliable, and so, here I am.  I’m stretching, doing mental yoga, and starting to take the mental stairs several times a week.  Phew!  Someone bring me a glass of water! J

I get so removed from myself sometimes that it is hard to hear me.  I keep so busy that I don’t actually have time to listen to my soul singing.  I’m so busy saying “yes” to other people that I forget to say “yes” to my small inner voice.  And you know something?  I want to hear it.  I need to hear it.  Call it my soul, my muse, my inner truth…call it a combination of all three…I need time to sit and be, and to be in nature alone.  I’ve been unkind to myself about taking and making that time. 

I find over and over again that I don’t know how to balance my life between being social and taking recovery time.  I love other people so much. I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t want to be lonely. And sometimes I, quite frankly, don’t want to face my inner workings, but I NEED to!  Then there is the fact that I miss my friends so I make plans and plans and plans and did I mention plans?  I’m so incredibly wealthy in my friendships that I want to continue to cultivate them.  I just don’t know how to find the still time I also need. 

I recognize again that one of my greatest failings is I can only live at extremes in terms of my schedule.  What I mean by this is that it seems that I can be completely busy, or completely still, but that I don’t know how to do is to find a balance between the two.  Ah Libra-hood. ;)

When I add to that the need to write, to edit photos, to make music, to dance, and to take care of those things like doing laundry and paying bills and eating, I find myself really at a loss for how to carve out time for stillness, for listening to my soul and for navel contemplation….and I really like navel contemplation.  *wry smile*

So here I am, stealing a few moments from my job, typing this at my office…(yes, in Word first)…and trying to figure my shite out as the phone rings, and people come by with questions about things I, quite frankly, do not care about.  I hate doing this type of work and keep trying to figure out what I’m doing next, and I find myself reminding myself immediately upon typing that last bit that I am, in fact, still very thankful to be employed in these crazy times and I am forcing myself to not add a qualifier to that.  I am thankful to be employed in these crazy times.  Yep. 

So let me start singing my gratitudes with something I may have to keep reminding myself of regularly for a while:

1)      I am thankful to be employed in these crazy times.  I do not take it for granted.  I am thankful for the freedom that having a job affords me.  I’m thankful that I have health benefits.  I am thankful that I can pay my bills.  I am thankful that I am employed.  Yes, yes I am. 

2)      I am sorry to have a friend cancel on me this evening and incredibly thankful to now have the evening to myself.

3)      I’m thankful that I’ve finally figured out how to get myself to drink enough water during the work day. I feel so much better when I do.

4)      I love the ease with which I can convert my work desk from a sitting desk to a standing one, and how much more energy and focus I have these days because of that set up. 

5)      Hooray for the sun coming out this afternoon.  I think after hula hoping I may go for a walk.  Yummm!

6)      Discovering the photography meetups in the Bay Area and the monthly, often free lectures that happen through these.  Hooray for more forward movement.

7)      The soreness that comes from exercise.  I love being muscle tired.  It reminds me that I’m alive, that I’m doing something good for my body and in this case, that I’m ALLOWED to do something exercise-ish after so long without it.  It reminds me that I’m doing healthy things for me and that I’m working towards getting back in shape.  Hooray!

8)      Houseplants are wonderful.  I love having wee living things to care for and to watch grown.  I have several at my desk (which I guess actually makes them office plants, but hey!) and they make me smile every day.

9)      A small splash of juice in a large glass of water.  Tasty and refreshing without all of the extra sugar & calories!

10)  The ability to find joy in the small things.  Interestingly, this is a rather huge thing to be thankful for.  J  And I am.  Ta-da!

11)  Delivery food. Even when it isn’t terrific, it still feels a little decadent. J

12)  Painting my toenails…even if I should have my girl card pulled for how badly I do it.  *snork*

13)  Chatting with Anni.  Always a blessing.  Always and in all ways. YAY!

14)  Going to bed at a reasonable hour.

15)  Not doing anything I *should* do tonight and just doing what I want to. 

16) And um...this:    Thank you, Richard! :)

Hooray for it all! Hooray I say!  Hoooooraaaaaay!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive -- June 28, 2011

Rain, Rain, here you are
Summer drizzle from afar
Splish splash, puddles deep
Jumping in them with my feet...

Summer rain makes me pensive, thought-filled and good.  Though I have to 'fess that I'm a little disoriented by this water coming from the sky.  It is the "wrong" time of year for rain to be happening in Northern California.  Still, I have to relish the fact that everything is being washed clean.   I just wish I had my ladybug rain boots on so I could go puddle jumping without soaking my favorite shoes or acquiring soggy feet in the process. :)

It has been a good week or so.  I've spent good time with loved ones, laughed a little, cried a little, danced a little, started yoga, started hula hooping, and realized that when I'm trying to do too many things, especially creative things, at once, that it is hard to excel at any of them.  An important realization to be sure.  What I'm going to do with it, I'm NOT sure, but it is still good to recognize it.

In addition to all of the glorious above, I also applied for Laney College this week.  Originally I didn't think I was going to be public about it, but somehow here I am writing it so public it seems like it will be.  It is my plan to take one photography class in the fall semester to see how I do in a formal school setting after all of these years.  I never finished my BA and am looking down the barrel of the next many years of working and am getting clearer and clearer about the fact that I don't think I can do administrative assisting work for too much longer without going completely cuckoo/feeling my soul atrophy, so I may as well give school the er, old college try? *groan*

This week, I think, has been about personal renaissance...renaissances? Er...personal growth.  Howzat? ;) 

I've started exercising again. (HALLELUJAH!!!) This after a year of forced inactivity due to an injured neck.

I'm here writing again after a month or so of feeling like my Muse has maybe left me for good.

I "heard" a waltz in my head the other night, sang it into my voicemail and am now going to try to figure out what to do with it.  I don't often "hear" music that isn't someone else's.  It was nice. :)

I picked up my uke for the first time in a month and plinked on it a little.

I'm working on and finishing up photo projects slowly but surely and it is a relief to be seeing the "owed" photos sliding off the plate.

I'm learning to make down time happen a little.  This is HUGE for me.  I'm so incredibly bad at saying "no" and at putting my needs first.  Down time is rather fantastic. I am learning about "Il dolce far niente!"  The sweetness of doing nothing.  It is delicious!!!  It could become habit-forming. ;)

So er, yeah...without further ado I sing my gratitudes for...well...all of the above...and um:

1) Dancing at Opulent Temple with Barbara and Laura.  Golly that was fun!  And so good for my mind and soul and body and and and...

2) Wailin Jennys show with Michael and Katie. HOLY YUM!!! One of my fave quotes from the night was "Worrying is like praying for what you do not want to happen." good.

3) Finding one's oracles in weird places.  :)  I love how the universe presents me with what I most need to hear at any given moment...especially when it presents it to me in really odd a bumper sticker, or a strange tile in a kitsch shop, or  someone says something in passing that just plain resonates.  In the past couple of months I've been gifted with a few aha! moments in odd places.  My three current faves are the one at the top of this blog, the bumper sticker that reads "Don't believe everything that you think!" and this one which comes from the trash compactor on the loading dock of my building: 

To which I say "Amen!"

4) Time with friends...good conversations, good laughter, yummy ease, delicious affection, and always... Love.

5) Learning about my boundaries and where I lack them.  It is hard for me to establish and keep these and sometimes learning the hard way about them is painful but still good.  I know that by not establishing mine clearly with one friend, that I unwittingly walked through those of two other people that I cherish and I am chewing on that one still so that I don't do it again. 

6) Easy refunds from Groupon.

7) Conversations with my mommy! :) 

8) Umbrellas

9)  Brushing my teeth.

10) My pillow...which is currently calling me...and I'm going to heed its sultry song.

Good night! :)

Missing: Muse. If found, please return to ....

Missing: Muse
If found, please return to ... 
She misses her.
Thank you.

I have a confession to make.  I've lost my Muse again. If you find her, will you please return her? 
Actually, if I’m being really honest, and I’m loathe to admit this, my Muse walked out on me about a month ago in a fit of pique and disgust.

Words won't come to me any more, and I don't have the focus that I need to go on a daily wild-goose-chase down the blank page to find them. When I try to write, they laugh at me or play hide and seek until I’m throwing my hands up in despair and walking away from the pen or keyboard.

You see, my muse and I had this piece that we’d spent the better part of a year working on; a piece on the power of words.  Ironic, no?  It felt like one of the better things we'd written together. Late one afternoon in early May, I went in to refine it again, adding missing pieces and cutting away the chaff, when one click did the wrong thing and an auto save by fecking blogger meant that the piece was lost forever.

I stood there in panicked shock; so distressed, so completely heartbroken, that I quite literally thought I was going to be ill.  I had the awful adrenal rush that starts at the top of the head and feels like someone is pouring molten lava from the top of your head, down your shoulders and across your chest and back, and I felt sick.

This is not hyperbole.

I was as nauseous and felt as betrayed as if I'd just walked in on my lover in bed with a close friend.  Betrayed, bereft, hurt, panicked, nauseous, and angry at myself for not seeing it earlier.  

Only in this case, I was the one wholly in the wrong for not practicing safe writing. I’d put my Muse at risk, and I still had to confess it to her.  

When I did she looked like she'd been slapped.  She stood there with tears in her eyes, shook her head quietly, turned around and walked right out the door, slamming it as she stalked away without looking back.  I watched her in stunned disbelief as she disappeared from view.

I have to confess that I drunk dialed her one night. She didn't answer.  I tried calling a week later, but she’d changed her number.  I even tried writing to her, but irony of ironies, it is hard to write a good entreaty without your Muse to help you. 

There is an emptiness where she used to be.  I’m so lonely for her that I don’t quite know what to do. She's changed her address, cut all ties and I'm quite simply lost without her.

Have I learned my lesson, you ask?  Yes! Oh All the Gods YES!  I'm writing this in Word even as I type and hitting “Save” every few seconds.

Did I have a draft elsewhere, you ask?  Well yes, but one that I hadn't updated since last August, which somehow makes me feel sicker still, because it is proof that I wasn't smart enough to continue to back it up after that.  The draft is a version of the piece in its infancy.  It is unpolished, missing salient points, undeveloped; just the bones of the idea with no flesh on it.  It haunts me.  I know I need to finish it. I just don’t know how, or where to start again.  I want to finish the piece.  I must.  I just don’t know how to re-create it, and I am at a loss for how to create it anew.

So I ask you, how do I win my Muse back? How do I woo her and show her my dedication, focus, and love?  How do I convince her that it won’t happen again? How do I beg for her forgiveness in a way that lets her know that I value her, appreciate her, respect her?  How do I prove that I’ve learned my lesson?  

Because truth be told, I’m pining away for her.  I am at a loss without her.  I need her whisperings in my ear.  I miss her voice in my soul in a way that is almost impossible to explain without, oh sweet irony, her here helping me to craft the words to do so. 

Until I can sort it out, I think I’ll start but putting up signs around the neighborhood.  They will simply say:

Missing: Muse
If found, please return to ... 
She misses her.
Thank you.

I wonder if it will work.  I sure hope so.

Wish me luck.

© Tanya Anguita 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

1998 -- Fridge Magnet Poetry

as luscious & raw
as peach petals
who would crush you

beauty must stop
to rob you of your
diamond hair

so take me love
  and read my skin
as a rose sings with need
in the delicate bed
   of day
© Tanya Anguita.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Postive #63 -- May 22, 2011

La la la!  Life is good and I am blessed!  Let me sing that again:


Ahhhhhhh....I love that song.  Singing it feels good.  Remembering to sing it even on the days when I don't necessarily feel it, helps me to remember that it is true no matter what. :)  

Once more with feeling (not that kind of feeling you fantastic pervert, you! *wink*):


It is Spring, the sun has been dancing is in the sky, I've been given clearance to start light dancing and some modified yoga again after a year of relative inactivity, I'm walking tons, have converted my desk to a standing desk, and feel like there are many, many opportunities on my horizon.  Yippeeee!

It has been a full week, a good weekend, and there has even been some down time in amongst the busy.  Let me get a "Hallelujah" from you on that one!  Hallelujah!  *grin*

With out further ado I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Remembering to sing my gratitudes.

2) Amazing, drama-free, happy making weekends at Southern Faire.

3) Rocking out with Cybele in the car on the way down and back.  ACDC, Scorpions and Def Leppard all the way, Baby! *grin*  Too much silly fun!!!

4) Breakfast with the other Furies. *grin*  Good and good for my soul.  I love you two so very much!

5)The 2 hours I got under that tree with Laura.  My soul is still shining brighter because of our time together.

6) Seeing Glen and seeing Glen take photos again.

7) Being with my Commedia Famiglia, singing with Serenata and being kamikaze sign girl. 

8) Getting to celebrate Scott's b-day with he and Christina. :)

9) Boozy Princess Party.  Nuff Said! ;)

10) Catching up with Epaul.  I'm so thankful for our 19 years of friendship!  So so thankful!

11) Dinner at Okina with Katie & Michael followed by Gelateria Naia!  Nom! And going to Angeline's with you two this month too.  Hooray for hedonism! 

12) Hugh Jackman with Marz.  What a delicious night.  Thank you for a lovely 21st anniversary evening! *grin*  I love you so!

13) Making time for me today.  I've really needed even a couple of hours of down time and I'm really proud of myself for taking it today.

14) Tilden Park.  I need to spend more time exploring it.  The Botanic Garden is so lovely and I realized as I drove home that I really don't know my way around this treasure of a park that is so close to my home.  I need to remedy that.  Thanks to Moriah & Mike for suggesting the Botanic Garden for today.

15) THE BEST FROG BOWLS EVER!!!!  Yay for Froggy Bowls!!!! Thank you Moriah!  I LOVE them! Eeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

16) Being able to get online at home again.  My computer has gone buggy of late and I haven't been able to sort it out.  I somehow managed to get it sorted today and I am most pleased!

17) Forcing myself to use other lenses instead of the one I've gotten so comfortable with.  It is making me look at things differently and despite feeling like my photos have taken a step backwards, it is really good for me to stretch my brain like this.  It helps me to grow as a photographer, to remember to look at things from a different perspective, and to force myself to see things in new way.

18) Being proud of myself for continuing to click away on a regular basis.  I'm behind on editing, but I'm still taking photos and that is a good thing (tm).

19) Reminding myself to eat until I'm not hungry instead of eating until I'm full.  I'm working on eating more slowly and paying attention to where the stopping place should be.  I'm proud of myself for starting to remember to do that again.

20) Shoelaces with big green stars on them.  They make me grin every time I look at my feet!

21) Crack Crackers (aka Trader Joe's Savory Multiseed Thin Mini Rice Crackers with Soy Sauce) and Katie's pesto hummus!  NOM!

22) Embracing my belief in my self.  One day at a time.  Sometimes one moment at a time, but really truly embracing me.  YAY!

And now, I stop prattling.  Boing! 

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

two-stepping moon

the moon was dazzling
as it two-stepped
into the high desert sky,
chasing us
across the paved dance-floor
of the I5 at sundown.

red tail lights,
like synthetic fireflies,
flickered in the distance
as the valley
all dark soil and ripeness,
below a peach dusted sky.

© Tanya Anguita.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Before the Exhale

when silence is comfort
when alone-ness is not loneliness
when stillness is an act of grace

this is the eye in the storm,
the pause before the exhale,
the quiet prior to the thunder clap.

now is the time.
this is the moment.

refill your cup from the well of peacefulness,
breathe in the sweet scent of solitude,
savor the soundless-ness of serenity

for tranquility,
my friend,
is fleeting;

and peace of spirit,
is a blessing from the gods.
© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #62 -- April 28, 2011


It has been a quiet month for writing for me.  I miss it.  So here I am at midnight, writing my gratitudes instead of sleeping.  *wry smile*

I'm feeling proud of myself for small life gestures that get me where I want to go.

I'm remembering that the baby steps are, in and of themselves, valuable. They are the small, daily miracles that move us ever forward on our journey and are so often overlooked. Thank goodness they exist. I am finally starting to appreciate them for themselves. It is a lovely feeling.

The sun has been shining again of late and it is making me smile.  I love the rain, but I also love cool, crisp, Spring, skirt-wearing days!  :)  Hooray!

I have so much to be thankful for.  So much.  And I am thankful moment by moment, hourly, is finding the time to write about it that I find difficult.  I'm feeling over-calendared and overwhelmed and I still don't know how to balance it all.  I'm so wealthy in friends and in activities and I'm thankful beyond belief for you and for them.  I just need to learn to build in more time for me to contemplate my navel and to write and breathe and dream and think. 

Speaking of dreams have been working double time this month.  This past couple of weeks have kicked my butt sideways such that my dream life has gotten very bizarre of late. And by bizarre I mean "Freud would get a hard on for my dreams" weird.  It is nice to be remembering dreams again...I'd just like it if the "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?  Brain?  Where on earth did THAT come from?" factor would mellow out a little.  *grin*

In other news, I'm feeling good in my skin again and loving the me that I am.  Taking the 148 stairs in my office every time I think about it.  It seems to average out to somewhere between 2 -5 times a day.  Walking a lot and hopefully regaining some of my health in the process.  After months of forced inactivity it feels really good to be moving in some way again...physically, psychically, and emotionally.  Baby steps are still steps and they are good.

Let me say that again:  Baby Steps Are Still Steps and They Are Good!!

So since I'm all over the map tonight, let me sing my gratitudes tonight as follows:

1) My weekend of Ani with Anni. What an amazing couple of days. So much love, so much warmth, so much comprehension and ease, so much much. Thank you, Anni. *sniff* *sniff* ;) 

2)Thank you also to the Divine Laura Bee for coming to play with us!  Such a treat to get time with you two!

3) Feeling good in my skin again.  Coming back to the me I like and love and respect.  I wrote a piece about that the other day.  Maybe I'll post it later. :)

4) Baby steps.  I loves them. :)

5) Feeling confident in my photography again.  Enjoying it and feeling good about the results I'm seeing.  Knowing that I have on days and off days, but the on days are on more often and the off days are becoming fewer and further between.

6) Making music.  Singing more.  Learning the uke.  I learned something that most of you probably already know, but somehow I'd missed in my uke class a couple of weeks ago.  I had somehow managed to miss the correlation between the vibration of sound and the correlation to the vibration of colour.  So we see what we hear and we hear what we see.  How did I not know about this?  All I know is that I'm tickled to be learning about it now.  Much more reading to be done on the subject soon, methinks! It speaks so beautifully to my musical self and to my photographic light and colour loving self.

7) Learning new things.  Every day that I learn something new is a great day.

8) This quote: "When you make peace with yourself, you make peace with the world." - Maha Ghosananda

9) Getting time with Annalisa and her wonderful family in the company of my beloved Mom this past Monday.  I have known her my whole life.  Literally.  And I love her and am completely in love with her kids. 

10) Celebrating Carma's birthday.  We've been friends for "mumbledy mumble" years and I can't wait for "mumbledy mumble" more. *grin*

11) Laura's visit and getting to share some clicky whee knowledge with her.  Thank goodness for soul sisters. 

12) Holly and Jolie and re-patterning. So good.  

13) Mercury going direct. :)

14) Getting to go home tomorrow for the weekend.  Can't wait!  YAY!

15) Discovering the amazingness of Ari Hest and this song in particular:  Because it speaks to me.

16) Healthy re-potted plants.  I love it when I can help green things grow and thrive.

And on that note, I'm going to sleep.   :) 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Coming Back

i am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many years
at the front of a war
i did not choose.

celebrating my homecoming
with loved ones,
over shared bread and laughter;

wine and roses
a feast for the senses
after fasting for far too long.


I am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many months
of a solitary confinement
i did not deserve.

weeping with relief and gratitude
at the gift of clean air
and cool light on my skin

the sight of beloved faces
a not-so-small kindness that
enfolds me in its comfort
after tireless touch-hungry days
in the darkness.


i am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many nights
lost in the wilderness
with no map to guide me.

enjoying again
the gently sloping landscape
of my confidence;

small mountain flowers
tucked gracefully
into cracks in the granite.


i am coming back to myself;
to the wild leanings
of my soul

with the mountain goats in my fertile heart;
in the newly-thawed lakes of awakening,

the wind in my spirit
whistles a jaunty tune
as it dances through the alpine trees
that sway too and fro by dawn's light.


i am coming back to myself;
to the contented me
that i wear like a well-worn sundress

easy and soft to the touch,
smelling like Summer and satisfaction,
i accept myself,
with all of my faults and glories,
exactly as i am.
right now.


i am coming back to myself
to the beloved me
that is like an open kitchen window
on baking day,

enticement in the form of
warm pie and completeness

sending the sweet scent of
abundance and welcome
wafting over the meadows nearby.


i am coming back to myself.
sunlight in the shadows,
windows in the architecture,
light where light hasn't shone for a long time.


i am coming back to myself
empathy in every exchange
and love in every corner.

from van-winkle-like sleep,
to the sensuality
that i feared dead.

embracing desire.

wanting again
in the still of the night.


i am coming back to myself
appreciating my strength
applauding my talents
accepting compliments
for everyone and everything.


i am coming back to myself

with gentleness as a mantle
with humor as my flashlight
with a truth i thought i had forgotten
with compassion overflowing my outstretched hands.


i am coming back to myself
with patience as my guide
with willingness my lodestone
with knowledge of my value
with grace;
owning my beauty


i am coming back to myself
with confidence
with integrity
with respect
with belief.

i am coming back to myself.
with love.

© Tanya Anguita.