All photos and content © Tanya Anguita.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #65 -- June 29, 2011

Writing my Gratitudes, like any form of exercise done right, brings nothing but good.  Like dancing or yoga or walking, writing my Gratitudes gets me in shape, tones my mind and soul, brings good energy to the forefront and calms my spirit because I’m DOING something.  Yoda had it right:  There is no try, only do.  *wry grin*

I need this kind of forward motion in all arenas of my life.  I need it mentally, physically, spiritually & emotionally.  Writing these helps me when I feel like I'm going creatively and emotionally (brace yourself for unfortunate word) flabby. 

(Ugh...”flabby” now officially goes on my list of unpleasant words along with "moist", “flaccid”, “puberty” and “panties”.  God help you if you put all of them together! *snork*)

At any rate, the only way to strengthen my writing muscles is to work them out.  I need to stretch them and use them for them to become strong and pliable, and so, here I am.  I’m stretching, doing mental yoga, and starting to take the mental stairs several times a week.  Phew!  Someone bring me a glass of water! J

I get so removed from myself sometimes that it is hard to hear me.  I keep so busy that I don’t actually have time to listen to my soul singing.  I’m so busy saying “yes” to other people that I forget to say “yes” to my small inner voice.  And you know something?  I want to hear it.  I need to hear it.  Call it my soul, my muse, my inner truth…call it a combination of all three…I need time to sit and be, and to be in nature alone.  I’ve been unkind to myself about taking and making that time. 

I find over and over again that I don’t know how to balance my life between being social and taking recovery time.  I love other people so much. I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t want to be lonely. And sometimes I, quite frankly, don’t want to face my inner workings, but I NEED to!  Then there is the fact that I miss my friends so I make plans and plans and plans and did I mention plans?  I’m so incredibly wealthy in my friendships that I want to continue to cultivate them.  I just don’t know how to find the still time I also need. 

I recognize again that one of my greatest failings is I can only live at extremes in terms of my schedule.  What I mean by this is that it seems that I can be completely busy, or completely still, but that I don’t know how to do is to find a balance between the two.  Ah Libra-hood. ;)

When I add to that the need to write, to edit photos, to make music, to dance, and to take care of those things like doing laundry and paying bills and eating, I find myself really at a loss for how to carve out time for stillness, for listening to my soul and for navel contemplation….and I really like navel contemplation.  *wry smile*

So here I am, stealing a few moments from my job, typing this at my office…(yes, in Word first)…and trying to figure my shite out as the phone rings, and people come by with questions about things I, quite frankly, do not care about.  I hate doing this type of work and keep trying to figure out what I’m doing next, and I find myself reminding myself immediately upon typing that last bit that I am, in fact, still very thankful to be employed in these crazy times and I am forcing myself to not add a qualifier to that.  I am thankful to be employed in these crazy times.  Yep. 

So let me start singing my gratitudes with something I may have to keep reminding myself of regularly for a while:

1)      I am thankful to be employed in these crazy times.  I do not take it for granted.  I am thankful for the freedom that having a job affords me.  I’m thankful that I have health benefits.  I am thankful that I can pay my bills.  I am thankful that I am employed.  Yes, yes I am. 

2)      I am sorry to have a friend cancel on me this evening and incredibly thankful to now have the evening to myself.

3)      I’m thankful that I’ve finally figured out how to get myself to drink enough water during the work day. I feel so much better when I do.

4)      I love the ease with which I can convert my work desk from a sitting desk to a standing one, and how much more energy and focus I have these days because of that set up. 

5)      Hooray for the sun coming out this afternoon.  I think after hula hoping I may go for a walk.  Yummm!

6)      Discovering the photography meetups in the Bay Area and the monthly, often free lectures that happen through these.  Hooray for more forward movement.

7)      The soreness that comes from exercise.  I love being muscle tired.  It reminds me that I’m alive, that I’m doing something good for my body and in this case, that I’m ALLOWED to do something exercise-ish after so long without it.  It reminds me that I’m doing healthy things for me and that I’m working towards getting back in shape.  Hooray!

8)      Houseplants are wonderful.  I love having wee living things to care for and to watch grown.  I have several at my desk (which I guess actually makes them office plants, but hey!) and they make me smile every day.

9)      A small splash of juice in a large glass of water.  Tasty and refreshing without all of the extra sugar & calories!

10)  The ability to find joy in the small things.  Interestingly, this is a rather huge thing to be thankful for.  J  And I am.  Ta-da!

11)  Delivery food. Even when it isn’t terrific, it still feels a little decadent. J

12)  Painting my toenails…even if I should have my girl card pulled for how badly I do it.  *snork*

13)  Chatting with Anni.  Always a blessing.  Always and in all ways. YAY!

14)  Going to bed at a reasonable hour.

15)  Not doing anything I *should* do tonight and just doing what I want to. 

16) And um...this:    Thank you, Richard! :)

Hooray for it all! Hooray I say!  Hoooooraaaaaay!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive -- June 28, 2011

Rain, Rain, here you are
Summer drizzle from afar
Splish splash, puddles deep
Jumping in them with my feet...

Summer rain makes me pensive, thought-filled and good.  Though I have to 'fess that I'm a little disoriented by this water coming from the sky.  It is the "wrong" time of year for rain to be happening in Northern California.  Still, I have to relish the fact that everything is being washed clean.   I just wish I had my ladybug rain boots on so I could go puddle jumping without soaking my favorite shoes or acquiring soggy feet in the process. :)

It has been a good week or so.  I've spent good time with loved ones, laughed a little, cried a little, danced a little, started yoga, started hula hooping, and realized that when I'm trying to do too many things, especially creative things, at once, that it is hard to excel at any of them.  An important realization to be sure.  What I'm going to do with it, I'm NOT sure, but it is still good to recognize it.

In addition to all of the glorious above, I also applied for Laney College this week.  Originally I didn't think I was going to be public about it, but somehow here I am writing it so public it seems like it will be.  It is my plan to take one photography class in the fall semester to see how I do in a formal school setting after all of these years.  I never finished my BA and am looking down the barrel of the next many years of working and am getting clearer and clearer about the fact that I don't think I can do administrative assisting work for too much longer without going completely cuckoo/feeling my soul atrophy, so I may as well give school the er, old college try? *groan*

This week, I think, has been about personal renaissance...renaissances? Er...personal growth.  Howzat? ;) 

I've started exercising again. (HALLELUJAH!!!) This after a year of forced inactivity due to an injured neck.

I'm here writing again after a month or so of feeling like my Muse has maybe left me for good.

I "heard" a waltz in my head the other night, sang it into my voicemail and am now going to try to figure out what to do with it.  I don't often "hear" music that isn't someone else's.  It was nice. :)

I picked up my uke for the first time in a month and plinked on it a little.

I'm working on and finishing up photo projects slowly but surely and it is a relief to be seeing the "owed" photos sliding off the plate.

I'm learning to make down time happen a little.  This is HUGE for me.  I'm so incredibly bad at saying "no" and at putting my needs first.  Down time is rather fantastic. I am learning about "Il dolce far niente!"  The sweetness of doing nothing.  It is delicious!!!  It could become habit-forming. ;)

So er, yeah...without further ado I sing my gratitudes for...well...all of the above...and um:

1) Dancing at Opulent Temple with Barbara and Laura.  Golly that was fun!  And so good for my mind and soul and body and and and...

2) Wailin Jennys show with Michael and Katie. HOLY YUM!!! One of my fave quotes from the night was "Worrying is like praying for what you do not want to happen." good.

3) Finding one's oracles in weird places.  :)  I love how the universe presents me with what I most need to hear at any given moment...especially when it presents it to me in really odd a bumper sticker, or a strange tile in a kitsch shop, or  someone says something in passing that just plain resonates.  In the past couple of months I've been gifted with a few aha! moments in odd places.  My three current faves are the one at the top of this blog, the bumper sticker that reads "Don't believe everything that you think!" and this one which comes from the trash compactor on the loading dock of my building: 

To which I say "Amen!"

4) Time with friends...good conversations, good laughter, yummy ease, delicious affection, and always... Love.

5) Learning about my boundaries and where I lack them.  It is hard for me to establish and keep these and sometimes learning the hard way about them is painful but still good.  I know that by not establishing mine clearly with one friend, that I unwittingly walked through those of two other people that I cherish and I am chewing on that one still so that I don't do it again. 

6) Easy refunds from Groupon.

7) Conversations with my mommy! :) 

8) Umbrellas

9)  Brushing my teeth.

10) My pillow...which is currently calling me...and I'm going to heed its sultry song.

Good night! :)

Missing: Muse. If found, please return to ....

Missing: Muse
If found, please return to ... 
She misses her.
Thank you.

I have a confession to make.  I've lost my Muse again. If you find her, will you please return her? 
Actually, if I’m being really honest, and I’m loathe to admit this, my Muse walked out on me about a month ago in a fit of pique and disgust.

Words won't come to me any more, and I don't have the focus that I need to go on a daily wild-goose-chase down the blank page to find them. When I try to write, they laugh at me or play hide and seek until I’m throwing my hands up in despair and walking away from the pen or keyboard.

You see, my muse and I had this piece that we’d spent the better part of a year working on; a piece on the power of words.  Ironic, no?  It felt like one of the better things we'd written together. Late one afternoon in early May, I went in to refine it again, adding missing pieces and cutting away the chaff, when one click did the wrong thing and an auto save by fecking blogger meant that the piece was lost forever.

I stood there in panicked shock; so distressed, so completely heartbroken, that I quite literally thought I was going to be ill.  I had the awful adrenal rush that starts at the top of the head and feels like someone is pouring molten lava from the top of your head, down your shoulders and across your chest and back, and I felt sick.

This is not hyperbole.

I was as nauseous and felt as betrayed as if I'd just walked in on my lover in bed with a close friend.  Betrayed, bereft, hurt, panicked, nauseous, and angry at myself for not seeing it earlier.  

Only in this case, I was the one wholly in the wrong for not practicing safe writing. I’d put my Muse at risk, and I still had to confess it to her.  

When I did she looked like she'd been slapped.  She stood there with tears in her eyes, shook her head quietly, turned around and walked right out the door, slamming it as she stalked away without looking back.  I watched her in stunned disbelief as she disappeared from view.

I have to confess that I drunk dialed her one night. She didn't answer.  I tried calling a week later, but she’d changed her number.  I even tried writing to her, but irony of ironies, it is hard to write a good entreaty without your Muse to help you. 

There is an emptiness where she used to be.  I’m so lonely for her that I don’t quite know what to do. She's changed her address, cut all ties and I'm quite simply lost without her.

Have I learned my lesson, you ask?  Yes! Oh All the Gods YES!  I'm writing this in Word even as I type and hitting “Save” every few seconds.

Did I have a draft elsewhere, you ask?  Well yes, but one that I hadn't updated since last August, which somehow makes me feel sicker still, because it is proof that I wasn't smart enough to continue to back it up after that.  The draft is a version of the piece in its infancy.  It is unpolished, missing salient points, undeveloped; just the bones of the idea with no flesh on it.  It haunts me.  I know I need to finish it. I just don’t know how, or where to start again.  I want to finish the piece.  I must.  I just don’t know how to re-create it, and I am at a loss for how to create it anew.

So I ask you, how do I win my Muse back? How do I woo her and show her my dedication, focus, and love?  How do I convince her that it won’t happen again? How do I beg for her forgiveness in a way that lets her know that I value her, appreciate her, respect her?  How do I prove that I’ve learned my lesson?  

Because truth be told, I’m pining away for her.  I am at a loss without her.  I need her whisperings in my ear.  I miss her voice in my soul in a way that is almost impossible to explain without, oh sweet irony, her here helping me to craft the words to do so. 

Until I can sort it out, I think I’ll start but putting up signs around the neighborhood.  They will simply say:

Missing: Muse
If found, please return to ... 
She misses her.
Thank you.

I wonder if it will work.  I sure hope so.

Wish me luck.

© Tanya Anguita 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

1998 -- Fridge Magnet Poetry

as luscious & raw
as peach petals
who would crush you

beauty must stop
to rob you of your
diamond hair

so take me love
  and read my skin
as a rose sings with need
in the delicate bed
   of day
© Tanya Anguita.