Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #68 -- December 8, 2011

I think today might be about remembering that every moment of the day is a different moment, a new moment, and that many things can happen in one day to affect the way I think and feel.  It is up to me to hang on for the ride and remember that in the next moment, something may cheer me up. That I may find something to be thankful for. That a laugh may be shared between friends or strangers. And that it is possible to experience many days within one day.

Overall I'm doing pretty well these days. I realized this afternoon that I haven't written my gratitudes fora  couple of months and that just doesn't feel right. I'm deeply thankful for some positive change that is starting to happen in my life.  I'm working hard to make even more positive change happen.  It seems like things may be shifting a little in that direction (please oh please oh please. *wry grin*), and for that I'm deeply grateful.


These past couple of months (heh..years maybe?) have been long ones.  I have learned a lot about myself during that time.  I have found that pain is a great leveler.  It teaches humility and preaches patience.  I am learning that Raging against it gets me nowhere except for angry and tense...which further exacerbates the pain.

I won't lie.  It sucks to be in pain.  I am learning to find ways that I can work with it and not against it, if that makes any sense.  I don't mean that I plan to accept it, as it were, just that the energy it takes to be mad about it, could be better used by finding a way to make peace with it and to working through it.  I'm starting to feel much better (touch wood) and I'm also aware that with a bulging disk that I'm likely to go through waves of this on and off in my life so I'd best learn good coping skills for when I do.  :) 

I found myself thinking about this a lot while at acupuncture a few weeks ago. I heard my inner voice telling my neck "I love you."  It was an "a-ha" moment for me.  I realized that visualizing my neck as "well" and sending it good energy was a much more useful way to spend my time than resenting how it was.  I suppose this is true across life really.  Sometimes I forget when I'm in pain.  Huh...Yeah.

Let me put it this way:

The truth is that when I'm in pain (whether it be physical or emotional) I forget to be kind to myself.  I forget to take stock of the things that DO work.  I dwell, instead, on the things that don't and get myself further stuck instead of looking for ways out.  Even though I'm unhappy and uncomfortable, it feels safer to stay stuck, than it does to look at and leap at the unknown.  It is easier to stay unhappy sometimes than it is to make change happen.  To give into the unknown as it were, even if the unknown is has the potential to be better and the status quo does not. It is...well...UNKNOWN and therefore scary.  I've stayed in jobs, relationships, friendships, etc. because of that fear.  I don't like living like that and I really don't want to any more so I'm working on making some of that shift.  Honestly, I've done it a lot in my life and it doesn't feel good.  I am trying not to judge myself for it, but I don't want to DO that anymore. I state it because I want to be kept accountable for it.  And to ask for help with it. 

At any rate,  life is (touch wood) seeming to be looking up a little, and that is good.  Hooray!

I'm starting to take some career change workshops through my work and that feels like progress.  I'm loving my friendships and the people in my life as always (which is a remarkable amount).  I'm starting to feel a little bit more like perhaps I can start to do some form of movement again health wise and that is soooo exciting to me.

Plus, I'm really, REALLY enjoying performing at Dickens Fair this year, loving my show, my cast, my friends and my new song.  Feeling good about my performances overall and enjoying the social aspects of it all.  I haven't really performed much this year and the lack of it makes it all that much sweeter because I really chose it this season.  AND, I'm particularly thankful to be there because given the state of my neck in October, I didn't know if I'd be able to do this show at all.  Hooray!

So without further ado, I sing my gratitudes as follows:

1)  For the safety of my friends after car accidents.  I'm so thankful.  So so so thankful. I love you so much. 

2 ) I'm thankful for my family and friends.  You are the biggest and most amazing blessings in my life.

3) SO happy to be feeling like I'm on the mending side of pain.  Looking forward to Yoga again soon.

4) Having a great time doing Dickens Fair this year.  Thankful for my new song and the joy that singing it brings.  It feels great. :)

5) Having Laura Gregory up at Dickens Fair every weekend.  SO good!

6) Anni being her last weekend and getting REAL time with her and going to see Jake Shimabukuro & Leftover Cuties and YAY!

7) Jake Shimabukuro.  He's amazing.  Yep!

8) Career change workshops.  :)

9) Katie & Michael.  Always always always Katie & Michael

10) The chicken soups of the world tour I'm doing this week to try to stave off the scratchy, sore throat I've been fighting since Tuesday.  So far it has been Matzo Ball soup from Saul's, Sopa Azteca from Picante, Chicken Pho from Le Cheval.  I think tonight may be hot & sour soup from Great China, but not sure yet.  It has felt very good and very curative. I feel so lucky to be able to do this.  I know I'm blessed.

11) Cute new hats that make me feel sassy.

12) Beats Antique.  Yum.

13) Secret Squirrel Smiles. :)

14) Friends who are kind enough to understand and say "hey...just take care of yourself" when one is fighting sick foo.  Thanks to all of you this week and always. :)  I think it is working.  *crossing things*

15) Chris.  For a million gazillion reasons, but this week for handing me a computer that is usable after 2 months of not having one at home.  THANK YOU.

16) Kissing.  I am a big fan.  Mmm hmmm. :)

17) Reminders like this:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj2ofrX7jAk 

I think that is a nice place to end for tonight.  Hooray!

May your days be full of thankfulness. 

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #65 -- June 29, 2011

Writing my Gratitudes, like any form of exercise done right, brings nothing but good.  Like dancing or yoga or walking, writing my Gratitudes gets me in shape, tones my mind and soul, brings good energy to the forefront and calms my spirit because I’m DOING something.  Yoda had it right:  There is no try, only do.  *wry grin*

I need this kind of forward motion in all arenas of my life.  I need it mentally, physically, spiritually & emotionally.  Writing these helps me when I feel like I'm going creatively and emotionally (brace yourself for unfortunate word) flabby. 

(Ugh...”flabby” now officially goes on my list of unpleasant words along with "moist", “flaccid”, “puberty” and “panties”.  God help you if you put all of them together! *snork*)

At any rate, the only way to strengthen my writing muscles is to work them out.  I need to stretch them and use them for them to become strong and pliable, and so, here I am.  I’m stretching, doing mental yoga, and starting to take the mental stairs several times a week.  Phew!  Someone bring me a glass of water! J

I get so removed from myself sometimes that it is hard to hear me.  I keep so busy that I don’t actually have time to listen to my soul singing.  I’m so busy saying “yes” to other people that I forget to say “yes” to my small inner voice.  And you know something?  I want to hear it.  I need to hear it.  Call it my soul, my muse, my inner truth…call it a combination of all three…I need time to sit and be, and to be in nature alone.  I’ve been unkind to myself about taking and making that time. 

I find over and over again that I don’t know how to balance my life between being social and taking recovery time.  I love other people so much. I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t want to be lonely. And sometimes I, quite frankly, don’t want to face my inner workings, but I NEED to!  Then there is the fact that I miss my friends so I make plans and plans and plans and did I mention plans?  I’m so incredibly wealthy in my friendships that I want to continue to cultivate them.  I just don’t know how to find the still time I also need. 

I recognize again that one of my greatest failings is I can only live at extremes in terms of my schedule.  What I mean by this is that it seems that I can be completely busy, or completely still, but that I don’t know how to do is to find a balance between the two.  Ah Libra-hood. ;)

When I add to that the need to write, to edit photos, to make music, to dance, and to take care of those things like doing laundry and paying bills and eating, I find myself really at a loss for how to carve out time for stillness, for listening to my soul and for navel contemplation….and I really like navel contemplation.  *wry smile*

So here I am, stealing a few moments from my job, typing this at my office…(yes, in Word first)…and trying to figure my shite out as the phone rings, and people come by with questions about things I, quite frankly, do not care about.  I hate doing this type of work and keep trying to figure out what I’m doing next, and I find myself reminding myself immediately upon typing that last bit that I am, in fact, still very thankful to be employed in these crazy times and I am forcing myself to not add a qualifier to that.  I am thankful to be employed in these crazy times.  Yep. 

So let me start singing my gratitudes with something I may have to keep reminding myself of regularly for a while:

1)      I am thankful to be employed in these crazy times.  I do not take it for granted.  I am thankful for the freedom that having a job affords me.  I’m thankful that I have health benefits.  I am thankful that I can pay my bills.  I am thankful that I am employed.  Yes, yes I am. 

2)      I am sorry to have a friend cancel on me this evening and incredibly thankful to now have the evening to myself.

3)      I’m thankful that I’ve finally figured out how to get myself to drink enough water during the work day. I feel so much better when I do.

4)      I love the ease with which I can convert my work desk from a sitting desk to a standing one, and how much more energy and focus I have these days because of that set up. 

5)      Hooray for the sun coming out this afternoon.  I think after hula hoping I may go for a walk.  Yummm!

6)      Discovering the photography meetups in the Bay Area and the monthly, often free lectures that happen through these.  Hooray for more forward movement.

7)      The soreness that comes from exercise.  I love being muscle tired.  It reminds me that I’m alive, that I’m doing something good for my body and in this case, that I’m ALLOWED to do something exercise-ish after so long without it.  It reminds me that I’m doing healthy things for me and that I’m working towards getting back in shape.  Hooray!

8)      Houseplants are wonderful.  I love having wee living things to care for and to watch grown.  I have several at my desk (which I guess actually makes them office plants, but hey!) and they make me smile every day.

9)      A small splash of juice in a large glass of water.  Tasty and refreshing without all of the extra sugar & calories!

10)  The ability to find joy in the small things.  Interestingly, this is a rather huge thing to be thankful for.  J  And I am.  Ta-da!

11)  Delivery food. Even when it isn’t terrific, it still feels a little decadent. J

12)  Painting my toenails…even if I should have my girl card pulled for how badly I do it.  *snork*

13)  Chatting with Anni.  Always a blessing.  Always and in all ways. YAY!

14)  Going to bed at a reasonable hour.

15)  Not doing anything I *should* do tonight and just doing what I want to. 

16) And um...this:  http://i1181.photobucket.com/albums/x432/vrejs-pics-and-stuff/Gifs/tumblr_lnazi2cerU1qepoe5.gif    Thank you, Richard! :)

Hooray for it all! Hooray I say!  Hoooooraaaaaay!

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive -- June 28, 2011

Rain, Rain, here you are
Summer drizzle from afar
Splish splash, puddles deep
Jumping in them with my feet...

Summer rain makes me pensive, thought-filled and good.  Though I have to 'fess that I'm a little disoriented by this water coming from the sky.  It is the "wrong" time of year for rain to be happening in Northern California.  Still, I have to relish the fact that everything is being washed clean.   I just wish I had my ladybug rain boots on so I could go puddle jumping without soaking my favorite shoes or acquiring soggy feet in the process. :)

It has been a good week or so.  I've spent good time with loved ones, laughed a little, cried a little, danced a little, started yoga, started hula hooping, and realized that when I'm trying to do too many things, especially creative things, at once, that it is hard to excel at any of them.  An important realization to be sure.  What I'm going to do with it, I'm NOT sure, but it is still good to recognize it.

In addition to all of the glorious above, I also applied for Laney College this week.  Originally I didn't think I was going to be public about it, but somehow here I am writing it so public it seems like it will be.  It is my plan to take one photography class in the fall semester to see how I do in a formal school setting after all of these years.  I never finished my BA and am looking down the barrel of the next many years of working and am getting clearer and clearer about the fact that I don't think I can do administrative assisting work for too much longer without going completely cuckoo/feeling my soul atrophy, so I may as well give school the er, old college try? *groan*

This week, I think, has been about personal renaissance...renaissances?...re-birth? Er...personal growth.  Howzat? ;) 

Lessee:
I've started exercising again. (HALLELUJAH!!!) This after a year of forced inactivity due to an injured neck.


I'm here writing again after a month or so of feeling like my Muse has maybe left me for good.
(see: http://frogsinging.blogspot.com/2011/06/missing-muse-if-found-please-return-to.html).

I "heard" a waltz in my head the other night, sang it into my voicemail and am now going to try to figure out what to do with it.  I don't often "hear" music that isn't someone else's.  It was nice. :)

I picked up my uke for the first time in a month and plinked on it a little.

I'm working on and finishing up photo projects slowly but surely and it is a relief to be seeing the "owed" photos sliding off the plate.

I'm learning to make down time happen a little.  This is HUGE for me.  I'm so incredibly bad at saying "no" and at putting my needs first.  Down time is rather fantastic. I am learning about "Il dolce far niente!"  The sweetness of doing nothing.  It is delicious!!!  It could become habit-forming. ;)

So er, yeah...without further ado I sing my gratitudes for...well...all of the above...and um:

1) Dancing at Opulent Temple with Barbara and Laura.  Golly that was fun!  And so good for my mind and soul and body and and and...

2) Wailin Jennys show with Michael and Katie. HOLY YUM!!! One of my fave quotes from the night was "Worrying is like praying for what you do not want to happen."   Yeah...so good.

3) Finding one's oracles in weird places.  :)  I love how the universe presents me with what I most need to hear at any given moment...especially when it presents it to me in really odd ways...like a bumper sticker, or a strange tile in a kitsch shop, or  someone says something in passing that just plain resonates.  In the past couple of months I've been gifted with a few aha! moments in odd places.  My three current faves are the one at the top of this blog, the bumper sticker that reads "Don't believe everything that you think!" and this one which comes from the trash compactor on the loading dock of my building: 

 

To which I say "Amen!"

4) Time with friends...good conversations, good laughter, yummy ease, delicious affection, and always... Love.

5) Learning about my boundaries and where I lack them.  It is hard for me to establish and keep these and sometimes learning the hard way about them is painful but still good.  I know that by not establishing mine clearly with one friend, that I unwittingly walked through those of two other people that I cherish and I am chewing on that one still so that I don't do it again. 

6) Easy refunds from Groupon.

7) Conversations with my mommy! :) 


8) Umbrellas

9)  Brushing my teeth.

10) My pillow...which is currently calling me...and I'm going to heed its sultry song.

Good night! :)

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Postive #63 -- May 22, 2011

La la la!  Life is good and I am blessed!  Let me sing that again:

LA LA LA!  LIFE IS GOOD AND I AM BLESSED!

Ahhhhhhh....I love that song.  Singing it feels good.  Remembering to sing it even on the days when I don't necessarily feel it, helps me to remember that it is true no matter what. :)  

Once more with feeling (not that kind of feeling you fantastic pervert, you! *wink*):

LA LA LAAAAAAAAA!  LIFE IS GOOD AND I AM BLESSED!!!!

It is Spring, the sun has been dancing is in the sky, I've been given clearance to start light dancing and some modified yoga again after a year of relative inactivity, I'm walking tons, have converted my desk to a standing desk, and feel like there are many, many opportunities on my horizon.  Yippeeee!

It has been a full week, a good weekend, and there has even been some down time in amongst the busy.  Let me get a "Hallelujah" from you on that one!  Hallelujah!  *grin*

With out further ado I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Remembering to sing my gratitudes.

2) Amazing, drama-free, happy making weekends at Southern Faire.

3) Rocking out with Cybele in the car on the way down and back.  ACDC, Scorpions and Def Leppard all the way, Baby! *grin*  Too much silly fun!!!

4) Breakfast with the other Furies. *grin*  Good and good for my soul.  I love you two so very much!

5)The 2 hours I got under that tree with Laura.  My soul is still shining brighter because of our time together.

6) Seeing Glen and seeing Glen take photos again.

7) Being with my Commedia Famiglia, singing with Serenata and being kamikaze sign girl. 

8) Getting to celebrate Scott's b-day with he and Christina. :)

9) Boozy Princess Party.  Nuff Said! ;)

10) Catching up with Epaul.  I'm so thankful for our 19 years of friendship!  So so thankful!

11) Dinner at Okina with Katie & Michael followed by Gelateria Naia!  Nom! And going to Angeline's with you two this month too.  Hooray for hedonism! 

12) Hugh Jackman with Marz.  What a delicious night.  Thank you for a lovely 21st anniversary evening! *grin*  I love you so!

13) Making time for me today.  I've really needed even a couple of hours of down time and I'm really proud of myself for taking it today.

14) Tilden Park.  I need to spend more time exploring it.  The Botanic Garden is so lovely and I realized as I drove home that I really don't know my way around this treasure of a park that is so close to my home.  I need to remedy that.  Thanks to Moriah & Mike for suggesting the Botanic Garden for today.

15) THE BEST FROG BOWLS EVER!!!!  Yay for Froggy Bowls!!!! Thank you Moriah!  I LOVE them! Eeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

16) Being able to get online at home again.  My computer has gone buggy of late and I haven't been able to sort it out.  I somehow managed to get it sorted today and I am most pleased!

17) Forcing myself to use other lenses instead of the one I've gotten so comfortable with.  It is making me look at things differently and despite feeling like my photos have taken a step backwards, it is really good for me to stretch my brain like this.  It helps me to grow as a photographer, to remember to look at things from a different perspective, and to force myself to see things in new way.

18) Being proud of myself for continuing to click away on a regular basis.  I'm behind on editing, but I'm still taking photos and that is a good thing (tm).

19) Reminding myself to eat until I'm not hungry instead of eating until I'm full.  I'm working on eating more slowly and paying attention to where the stopping place should be.  I'm proud of myself for starting to remember to do that again.

20) Shoelaces with big green stars on them.  They make me grin every time I look at my feet!

21) Crack Crackers (aka Trader Joe's Savory Multiseed Thin Mini Rice Crackers with Soy Sauce) and Katie's pesto hummus!  NOM!

22) Embracing my belief in my self.  One day at a time.  Sometimes one moment at a time, but really truly embracing me.  YAY!

And now, I stop prattling.  Boing! 

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #62 -- April 28, 2011

  


It has been a quiet month for writing for me.  I miss it.  So here I am at midnight, writing my gratitudes instead of sleeping.  *wry smile*

I'm feeling proud of myself for small life gestures that get me where I want to go.

I'm remembering that the baby steps are, in and of themselves, valuable. They are the small, daily miracles that move us ever forward on our journey and are so often overlooked. Thank goodness they exist. I am finally starting to appreciate them for themselves. It is a lovely feeling.

The sun has been shining again of late and it is making me smile.  I love the rain, but I also love cool, crisp, Spring, skirt-wearing days!  :)  Hooray!

I have so much to be thankful for.  So much.  And I am thankful moment by moment, hourly, daily....it is finding the time to write about it that I find difficult.  I'm feeling over-calendared and overwhelmed and I still don't know how to balance it all.  I'm so wealthy in friends and in activities and I'm thankful beyond belief for you and for them.  I just need to learn to build in more time for me to contemplate my navel and to write and breathe and dream and think. 

Speaking of dreams....wow....my dreams have been working double time this month.  This past couple of weeks have kicked my butt sideways such that my dream life has gotten very bizarre of late. And by bizarre I mean "Freud would get a hard on for my dreams" weird.  It is nice to be remembering dreams again...I'd just like it if the "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?  Brain?  Where on earth did THAT come from?" factor would mellow out a little.  *grin*

In other news, I'm feeling good in my skin again and loving the me that I am.  Taking the 148 stairs in my office every time I think about it.  It seems to average out to somewhere between 2 -5 times a day.  Walking a lot and hopefully regaining some of my health in the process.  After months of forced inactivity it feels really good to be moving in some way again...physically, psychically, and emotionally.  Baby steps are still steps and they are good.

Let me say that again:  Baby Steps Are Still Steps and They Are Good!!

So since I'm all over the map tonight, let me sing my gratitudes tonight as follows:


1) My weekend of Ani with Anni. What an amazing couple of days. So much love, so much warmth, so much comprehension and ease, so much connection....so much. Thank you, Anni. *sniff* *sniff* ;) 

2)Thank you also to the Divine Laura Bee for coming to play with us!  Such a treat to get time with you two!

3) Feeling good in my skin again.  Coming back to the me I like and love and respect.  I wrote a piece about that the other day.  Maybe I'll post it later. :)

4) Baby steps.  I loves them. :)

5) Feeling confident in my photography again.  Enjoying it and feeling good about the results I'm seeing.  Knowing that I have on days and off days, but the on days are on more often and the off days are becoming fewer and further between.

6) Making music.  Singing more.  Learning the uke.  I learned something that most of you probably already know, but somehow I'd missed in my uke class a couple of weeks ago.  I had somehow managed to miss the correlation between the vibration of sound and the correlation to the vibration of colour.  So we see what we hear and we hear what we see.  How did I not know about this?  All I know is that I'm tickled to be learning about it now.  Much more reading to be done on the subject soon, methinks! It speaks so beautifully to my musical self and to my photographic light and colour loving self.

7) Learning new things.  Every day that I learn something new is a great day.

8) This quote: "When you make peace with yourself, you make peace with the world." - Maha Ghosananda

9) Getting time with Annalisa and her wonderful family in the company of my beloved Mom this past Monday.  I have known her my whole life.  Literally.  And I love her and am completely in love with her kids. 


10) Celebrating Carma's birthday.  We've been friends for "mumbledy mumble" years and I can't wait for "mumbledy mumble" more. *grin*


11) Laura's visit and getting to share some clicky whee knowledge with her.  Thank goodness for soul sisters. 


12) Holly and Jolie and re-patterning. So good.  


13) Mercury going direct. :)


14) Getting to go home tomorrow for the weekend.  Can't wait!  YAY!


15) Discovering the amazingness of Ari Hest and this song in particular:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=144Pz4gOOHA&feature=share  Because it speaks to me.


16) Healthy re-potted plants.  I love it when I can help green things grow and thrive.


And on that note, I'm going to sleep.   :) 

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #61 -- 3/16/11

Remembering to find things to be positive about feels a little tough right now. They feel a little hard to come by. And yet, they're there. I know they are. They're right here, even.

You see, I'm sitting here, having just watched a few miraculous videos of a handful of lucky survivors of the Japanese quake and tsunami being reunited. I'm crying like a baby.

I've been consumed by the videos, photos, and news media of this tragic example of Mother Earth's might, and am reeling still with the shock of it all. In addition, there is the ongoing fear that is walking hand in hand with the state of the nuclear plants there.

Plus there is the fear that is instilled in me that California could very easily be next. We're overdue for a huge quake here, by some large number of years it seems, and frankly, we are ill prepared for it.

That tsunami was 4 stories tall and went SIX MILES inland. The quake moved the island of Japan 8 feet and made the planet shift 4 inches on its axis. How do you prepare for something like that? I mean really?

So I'm sitting here after several days of media inundation (even without owning a television), feeling helpless to do much besides send money and finding myself feeling fearful and losing sight of the many, many things I have to be thankful for. Today. Right now. This instant.

I am also reminded that I need to, er no, that I will be putting together survival boxes this week. One for my car, one for work, one for home. Carma told me that in the N.E.R.T. training she did that they said to be sure to put work gloves and garbage bags into the kit which would never have occurred to me but strikes me as brilliant. Onto the list they go.

I suppose some of my weepy, fearfulness comes from the fact that I'm also ill...again. Not badly this time thankfully, just achey, snuffy, mildly sore-throatish and a little listless. At least the mild fever seems to be gone today....which means I'm headed in the right direction. Hooray!

My mild illness is small potatoes in the light of what is going on everywhere else in the world right now, but I do know that it affects my psyche.

So yeah...gratitude. I can haz some now? :) Umyespleez. :)

Without further prattling, today I'm singing my gratitudes as follows:

1) I'm very, incredibly, deeply thankful that I know where my friends and family are for the most part and that for the most part they're doing ok.

2) I am also very, incredibly, deeply thankful for the basic amenities that I so often forget to give thanks for, and yet still try not to take for granted. I have a home (albeit a temporary one) to go to. I have food to eat. I can go to the grocery store and to the pharmacy. I can put fuel in my vehicle or take mass transit easily. Health care is expensive I'm blessed enough to have it. I have an income. I have access to my phone and to computer and to many forms of communication. Truly, I am blessed and thankful.

3) On a frivolous note, I'm taking my first beginning ukulele class tonight. I'm thankful that this is happening and that I can walk there from Katie & Michael's. I'm excited to check this wee instrument out. Hooray for the mighty uke!

4) Holly, who today asked a loaded question and didn't shy away when I gave my equally loaded answers/emotionally barfed at her. Thank you, Holly. Truly. Thank you.

5) Simple pleasures.

6) Buying comfy walking shoes at The Walk Shop so that I can start doing SOME form of exercise again. Selena was incredibly helpful and knowledgeable and I have comfy, comfy shoes on my feet.

7) Renewing my interest in photography in a tangible way. I have actually been shooting almost every day and it feels so good! Did a shoot in the pouring rain for a friend's new website on Sunday, and while it was cold and very wet, it was also very satisfying to find out that she really loves the images. I feel like I have more consistent control over the quality of my images and that feels really good. I still make many mistakes, but, as my friend Deb is fond of saying "progress, not perfection."

8) The inspiration afforded to me by other photographers. These days I follow these blogs because I not only like their work but their voices:

Karen Russell:
My life...just not on the road I expected (but it's still dang good).

Erin Cobb:
The PigBear »

Denise Birdsong-Zavala -- Modern Love Photography:
http://www.modernlovephotography.com/

Jasmine Star:
Jasmine Star Photography Blog

Ashley Ann Photography:
ashleyannphotography.com » Under the Sycamore

Kiss The Groom:
kiss the groom


9) My mostly girl-gang of clicky whee (a strange code phrase for photography fun). Thanks lovely people for photo-geeking with me.

10) Having my ladybug rain boots in the car on Sunday during the photo shoot. Hooray!

Back now from my evening adventures and in a much better mood so let me add these and go to bed:

11) The uke class was fun and quirky. I look forward to more and am very thankful.

12) Taking a brisk 30 minute walk was all that it took to put my head on straighter tonight. I need to remember that. Yes, yes I do. SO thankful for the reminder though. It felt great to move fast and to get my heart rate up.

13) Adobe Lightroom is proving to be the bomb for photography organization and simple processing. Once I get the hang of it I think it will really rock things for me, but even with the steep learning curve, I'm loving it.

14) Knowing when to stop for the night.

Her name is Lilo. :)

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #60 -- 3/10/11

Here I am again. Prepared to prattle. Prepped to parse. Peppy and perky. Well, maybe not actually peppy and perky, but particularly pleased with the pepper in my paprikash and proud to partake of your pecan pieeeee. (And apparently terrifically fond of words that start with "P". *grin*)

I love alliteration. It trips happily off of my tongue and it makes me giggle. Tee-freaking-hee. I'm a little slap-happy today, can you tell?

Returned Sunday night from 4 magnificent days in Colorado with dear friends and am having a hard time with re-entry today. Feeling a bit overwhelmed and remembering why I like leaving town so much and why I have such a hard time returning to my work and to my life and that is leaving me with rather dismal feelings. I feel so unsettled everywhere in my life and I am really, really not enjoying this sensation.

The good news is that I do actually recognize that I have infinite possibility laid out before me and that I just have to figure out what route to take to move forward.

The bad news comes in the form of a joke two of my best friends made and modified about me some years ago. One said "How do you starve a Libra? Send her to an open refrigerator and tell her she can have anything that she wants." The other shortened it to "Hand her a menu." *wry grin* It wouldn't be so funny and so painful if it weren't true. Too many options with no direction leaves me feeling like a deer in the headlights. I end up feeling stuck. Trust me, I am very aware that the journey of a thousand miles started with one small step, but I'm never sure which way I should be facing, whether I've got the right shoes on, or where it is I'm trying to go.
Which, thankfully, brings me right back around to thankfulness that I do have choices and that fact makes me incredibly blessed. :) Ahhh...circular thinking...how I love thee. Not. ;)

At any rate, I was recently reminded by examples beautifully set by Dominic, Rico and Laura, to write my gratitudes and so here I am. And y'know? They help before I even get to the part where I express my gratefulness. Heh. (At least I amuse myself, eh?)

January was a bumpy month. Illness, family illness, and general exhaustion from both. February, well...it seemed to follow suit...and quite frankly, I'm tired. I need to remember what I'm thankful for. I think I've lost sight of that again. Oy...re-upping the positivity quotient now...getting back into the habit. (Why is it so easy to fall into the habit of negative thought and so tough sometimes to stick with positive thought? Hmmmm....)

The other night Michael, Katie, Will and I decided that there should be a secret month added between February and March...we call it Extra-ruary. It has 45 days and can only be used for catching up on looming projects, sleep deficits, the up until the first of Extra-ruary to-do list, and all of those "I wish there were 28 hours in the day" sorts of things. Think it will catch on? I do. ;)

Without further prattling, today I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Spending a magnificent 4 days with Michelle & Tim and their wonderful daughters Annaliese and Chiara. So much ease, good laughter, giggling girls, fantastic camera geeking, playing "Flower" with Tim and turning 5 again, superb conversations, and just an all around wonderful time. I remembered what relaxing felt like. It felt good. Thank you all so much for being so wonderful as to have me in your lives for a few days. I love you all so very much!

2) Dominic, Rico and Laura for the reminder to do this.

3) Fantastic conversations with my beloved sister-in-law-and-spirit Heather. Thank you for being who you are and for everything that you're doing and for your beautiful ability to express yourself so clearly. I love you so!

4) Deep breathing. Today I am thankful for deep breathing. I think it may be the only thing that gets me through the day. Well...that and remembering gratitude. *wry smile*

5) Finding that I forgot to post this and getting to finish it now. :)

6) Ups and downs. They remind me that life is cyclical and that when I'm in a downswing, that I'm not there forever.

7) The faith that my friends have in me. I'm so blown away by and so thankful for this.

8) Time with Monique and Eileen. What a blessed evening!

9) Long walks and talks with Amy.

10) Getting an evening with Stephanie and Daphne! So easy and so good. Can't believe it had been so many years since I'd seen Daphne, because it was so easy to be with her!

12) The Isabelle Borchgrave and Arthur Szyk Exhibits at the Legion of Honor. What a revelation that whole day was! A lovely brunch and dinner with Deirdre, bumping into Karen & John, and the added bonus of amazing art and time with wonderful women. Such a gift!

I love these women! :)

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #59 -- 1/25/11

Today I'm thinking about Health. Today I'm thinking about health and how lucky I am most of the time. My relatively good health is something that I don't take for granted at the best of times, and after being ill for 2 weeks...and only for 2 weeks, I'm somewhere beyond grateful for it.

On just the other side of 12 days of fever and yuck, I can unequivocally state how thankful I am that it was ONLY that long. I'm still weak and still very, very tired, but I am feeling SO much better and it makes me deeply and truly thankful for the rest of the days in my life when I am healthy. So thankful. Did I mention that I do not take this for granted.

I lose sight so often of the positive when I'm unhealthy whether it be emotionally, physically, psychically, or fiscally. I forget how much good there is in my life when those things loom and consume...and then I dig in and remember my gratitude. I remember to look for all of the good that IS instead bemoaning of all good that ISN'T and I feel so much better. *grin*

You know...I have such lofty plans whenever I write these to write them more often...to be more disciplined somehow about writing them regularly. I find myself thinking "I should just..." and then I never do, and I end up feeling like a failure for "not", and that just seems to defeat the purpose.

So today, I'm catching my unhealthy thought patterns. Instead, I hereby give myself the ongoing permission to write these whenever I feel like it...or whenever I need to...or whenever the mood strikes me...and I'm going to remove the awful "shoulds" and "musts" and "why don't I justs" from the whole picture. Go me! *grin*

So today I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Being on the mend.

2) Being relatively healthy most of the time.

3) Catching my unhealthy thought patterns and doing something about them.

4) Home made chicken soup and healing tea from Holly...delivered to my doorstep with love while I was ill. I don't know how to express how touching and beautiful this gesture is to me....but trust me when I say that I was and am deeply moved. Thank you. :)

5) Michelle for her gentle nudgings to try Projected 365 again. I've given myself permission to call it Project Three Sixty Whenever and am not being stringent with the rules of it, but I never would have done it this year if it hadn't been for her urging, and her belief in me, and I am finding that even though I feel resistant to the process, I need it. I want to grow as a photographer and this is a really good way to go about it. Whether I'm feeling particularly confident about myself or not. *wry smile*

6) Happy face emoticons. I should be thankful for them. I use them enough. *grin* :)

7) Smiling. As one of my favorite t-shirts says "Smiling is my favorite" and y'know...YAY! :)

8) This...because how can you not be thankful for Harry Belafonte and Animal doing a drum war? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaXCQ_wZidU

9) Katie & Michael...for being Katie & Michael. For graciously and generously allowing me space in their home these months, for patience and laughter and understanding, for fantastic meals together and delicious conversations, for fun outings and sappy BBC sightings on the sofa, for love and the true meaning of chosen family. Thank you both! I love you!

10) Quiet flirtations that mutually bolster but aren't going anywhere. Sometimes those are really nice. Today a friend brought me a bag of candy as part of an ongoing quiet, go nowhere flirtation...and it was just what my soul needed today. A little boost, an extra smile...and it isn't loaded and it is safe and it isn't going to be anything else beyond a quiet flirtation...and that? Is just fine.

11) When plans don't work out and I'm exhausted so I'm actually relieved. :) Like tonight.

12) Recognizing that I'm too wiped out to even do something as mind numbing as go to the movies and honoring that.

13) Deciding that it is ok to go to sleep early tonight. Kind of excited about it actually

14) It has been a month but I was busy editing photos while sick and looking at my holiday photos made me happy. It was so magical to have Christmas with my family at home this year. It was good for my heart and excellent for my soul. I am so lucky to both love and like my family. So so lucky. Hooray!

15) I'm glad and grateful that I made the time on Sunday to go to storage and take a lot of stuff that I didn't need out of the room I'm staying in. It makes it easier to breathe in here now and I come home and walk in the door with a smile on my face.

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #58 -- 12/29/10

Until last week, it had been so long since I'd written anything that I'd begun to worry that I'd forgotten how.

Everything has been about "busy" these past couple of months.

Busy trying to find a place to live.
Busy packing.
Busy moving.
Busy dealing with health concerns.
Busy rehearsing.
Busy working.
Busy with Dickens Fair.
Busy, busy, busy, busy, busy...

And somewhere in there, I began to be frightened that I'd misplaced my Muse, and I was really missing her. I was scared that I'd lost my writer's voice and I was pining for it. I think I'm finding it again and thank goodness for that. Without it I feel lost and lonely...disoriented and directionless.

It soothes me to write. It lets the howling demons out and releases them to the wilderness outside of my soul. It gives me solace and relief. It quiets the internal landscape, leaving it greener, and more luscious with a chorus of simple birdsong and trickling creeks as the soundtrack instead of the tempest that sometimes brews in my mind, threatening to consume me.

Writing allows me to process ancient hurts and fresh thankfulness. To work through the scar tissue and to heal fresh wounds. It gives me leave to put my joys and sorrows somewhere outside of me so that I can more clearly think. It is the channel to my most honest self and it stills the noise that can become so deafening when I'm struggling.

I wrote a piece a few days ago that was fraught with hurt and anger. Old hurts from the summer of 2009 had come to the forefront rather suddenly and were banging on the walls of my psyche. I had to write the piece. I had little choice. It came out of nowhere and sideswiped me as I sat down at my computer. It was brutal and pain filled and it wanted out...NOW...urgently and with a force that was overwhelming. I had little choice but to write it or be eaten by it. I chose the former.

It is interesting, isn't it, to find out that hurts we think we've dealt with, healed from, passed through, are still lurking in strange corners of our emotional memory...waiting there in the dark with sharpened teeth to bite us when we least expect it?

I am not fond of these surprise attacks, but I would rather have those feelings pour out of me and onto paper, than in me...gnawing on my spirit.

I have a lot to be thankful for tonight, but I'm tired so will keep it short. To that end, I sing my gratitudes as follows:

1) I am deeply thankful for the ability to pour my thoughts and emotions out onto paper. For the gift of written release. For the still place that I go to when I write, and for the clarity and relief the written word gift me with.

2) I'm thankful for the light and the dark that live inside of me. Both help me to be the person I am, and to write the way that I do.

3) On some odd level, I realized tonight that I'm thankful for the insight my depression affords me. It makes me more patient and more compassionate. I've seen and lived in the basement of my soul and can therefor understand, on some level, the struggles of others in my life. Without it, I'm not sure that I would be able to understand with an open heart the sorrows of others.

4) Cups of tea and true conversation with dear friends. Makes my soul sing. Thank you, Laura. :)

5) Photographic learning curves. Spent the day trying to photograph jewelry for my dear friend, Joshua. I learned a lot, and hope that I got some shots that will be usable for him. His Etsy site is here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/lioncraftstudio

6) A warm place to sleep on a cold winter night. I do not take this for granted and I am So thankful. So very thankful.

7) Not having to go to work tomorrow.

8) Having time to edit a couple of photos from my March trip to NYC. See below. :)

8) Wanting to keep writing these but knowing that I need to sleep and being smart enough to recognize that. Hee hee!

Good night! :)

Why yes, that is Anubis on a barge heading towards Manhattan. Why do you ask? *grin*


Yep. :)


The hand of Liberty.

Liberty's Backside

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #57 -- 11/03/10

I think this is a good daily message. :)

You know...my rant a couple of weeks ago? It really did me a world of good. I needed to let that out. I needed to be okay with not being okay all of the time. I needed to release my need to always project the happy. And I needed to just be however I was. It has been so freeing to be just as I am ever since. And today? I'm doing really well again...and that? is a cause for a big old YIPPEE! So um, YIPPEE!

There is a lot to be thankful for in my life. Yes, I'm stressed about moving. No, things aren't miraculously grand, but there is a lot of good and I'm deeply thankful for that fact.

I've been really blessed these past few weeks. I'm no longer in limbo with my housing situation and that is a relief. I'm sad to be moving out of my beloved home but movement forward is so much easier than limbo is.

I've had some amazing conversations with some wonderful people in the past few days that have made me realize, once again, how lucky I am in the choices I've made in friends...and also how lucky I am that people choose me as a friend.

I've gotten to go on a last minute whirlwind trip to Disneyland and have it cost me very little to do so thanks to cheap hotels, smart dining options and a friend who made the park possible. I was also gifted with the opportunity to see West Side Story last night and it was a joy to see and the company was great. :)

I'm feeling a little bit nuts because it is Dickens season and I'm packing my home and prepping for fair once again. There are a lot of arenas where this feels like a big unfortunate deja vu, but I'm calmer about it somehow. And because I'm not insane enough, I seem to have decided to try NaNoWriMo for the first time. We'll see how far I get, but so far it is a great exercise if a slightly insane one.

So at the risk of repeating myself, tonight I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Forward movement.

2) Having a housing safety net. :)

3) The trip to Disneyland...for so many reasons. I NEEDED to do something purely for me and for fun before the move and before Dickens started. I'm so thankful to Cybele and J.B. for nudging me to make it happen. And I'm so glad that it was so simple and stress free. Thanks to Marc, Alejandra, Anni and Laura too. Just because I can say thank you. :) And hooray for silly t-shirts that made the park staff laugh. :)

4) Barbara Pond's amazing birthday present to me of Ghost Ship. Dancing without impact (I figured out if I'm careful I can shake my thang without hurting my neck/arm! YAY!) to amazing djs, and crazy shuttle foo, and seeing Michael and Aaron and Corinne and Tuffy and Karryn and Zak there. Hooray! Did I mention that I got to dance? For the first time in MONTHS? I needed that for my spirit. Thank you, Barbara, for a fantastic, soul-healing, dance-possible, amazing time in your wonderful company night. :) And um...hedgehogs. Yeah. ;)

5) A couple of really good and comforting and helpful conversations with Monique in the past couple of weeks. 21 years of friendship. Wow. We need to take our friendship out and get it drunk sometime this year. :)

6) Katie for being Katie.

7) Laura Gregory for being Laura Gregory. :)

8) Once again, an amazing and enlightening tarot reading from Jolie Stevens.

9) A wonderful conversation with Laura Brueckner last night. Thank you, Princess Stalkerina. I'd forgotten how much fun I have with the geeking part of this project...and hadn't realized how much I missed it. It was really good to catch up. :)

10) Knowing that the universe will make this move a good thing for me. Even if I can't see how just now, I'm choosing to trust that there is something good in store.

11) The fact that I'm managing to pack about 3 boxes a night. Which means it is conceivable that I may not drive myself too crazy with this. We'll see. So far it feels like I'm on track.

12) Bill Batty for the boxes. OMG...SUCH a lifesaver with this. THANK YOU!

13) Having done all of my laundry tonight. What a relief. I'm always so happy when it is done. Hooray!

14) Walks on the pier. I've rediscovered my pier these past couple of weeks and it is really remarkable how good that place is for my spirit and my psyche. Yum.

15) Trader Joe's Berry Applesauce cold from the fridge. Yum.

16) That Anni's family are ok post house-fire. I'm so thankful for that fact. Phew. I love you Anni. And I love you Shannon. :)

17) That this weekend is going to be filled with people that I'm happy to be getting to see. Eeeeee!

18) Starting NaNoWriMo. I haven't tried to write fiction really ever as an adult. I'm finding it kind of fun and extremely meditative. I like that most everything else falls away but the story when I'm writing. I will need to write almost double the words tomorrow though because I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open tonight.

19) Getting my hair cut for the first time since March this weekend was made of happy goodness. I felt weird not going to Annamae, but it was a Groupon thing and it was in Berkeley so I couldn't resist. I'm relieved.

I'm sure there is more, but now I think I'm going to write a little and go to sleep. Hooray!

10/28/10 -- The clouds were a miracle that night!

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #56 -- 10/24/10

I just watched this piece...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMXF73j0c&feature=channel

and it reminded me why I write these and why this exercise is so good for me. It reminded me why I spend my time trying to live from a place of gratitude. Why I try to keep open and vulnerable even having been hurt. It reminded me why I put myself out here even when it is scary.

I write these and strive to live from a place of gratitude because I want to keep my heart open to all of my emotions...the ones deemed easy and the ones viewed as difficult because, as she points out so clearly, you can't numb one part of you without numbing all of you....and I don't want to live a numbed life. I just don't.

I want to live a complete, whole life...one with the full gamut of feelings and emotions. I want to live a life that is full and rich and rounded...even when it might feel safer to put the difficult feelings in a box, or stuff them down with a cookie, or a gin and tonic, or a shopping spree.

I don't pretend that living from the heart is easy. It isn't, but it sure is rewarding as a whole. I have my ups and downs just like everyone else, but I'd so much rather live from my heart, and be open, than try to stuff my emotions, or to cover my feelings up with a blanket of indifference. I have big emotions...I choose to feel them. Even when it is painful, my life is richer for it because I do.

When those feelings are ones of hurt, or anger, or doubt, when I'm struggling with Depression and Anxiety, when I'm having a moment of self-loathing, yeah, sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't feel like I was going to be consumed by those very uncomfortable emotions. They're difficult and often miserable, and they sometimes they just plain suck.

That being said, I wouldn't trade the way that I feel love, and joy, and laughter, and the passion and the strength and the self-love that I am capable of because I feel so deeply for all of the money in the world. If I have to sit in the "darker" sensations in order to experience the light the way that I do, then I'm OK with sitting in the dark from time to time.

I want to feel everything because I want to stay connected...to myself, to my feelings, and to my friends and family.

The place where I sometimes find myself getting lost and where I lose sight of the balance of things, is that it is okay...genuinely OKAY...to not be okay in front of other people.

I forget that just as I love my friends however they are in the moment (happy, sad, hurt, giddy, angry, heartbroken, wildly loved), chances are high, they feel the same about me. I forget that it is okay to call on my friends, even if we haven't spoken in a while, and say "I'm having a rough day, and I just needed to hear a friendly voice." I'm always deeply honored when my friends choose to do that with me. I'm never anything but happy when someone I haven't heard from in a long time reaches out to me. And I love it when people share with me....the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly.

I'm the first person to say and mean "however you are is okay with me." I truly mean that. However you are is okay with me. I also mean it when I say "call me if you need me." I'm genuine when I make those statements.

I have a big heart. I love my friends and family. I am completely comfortable with expressing my love for others, and I am genuine in the desire to offer an ear or a shoulder when it is needed. I am okay with being the first person to tell another that I love them. I am fine with that kind of vulnerability, and I don't worry about the possible rejection in doing so, because I understand that I love how I love and that isn't predicated on being loved in return.

Where I lose sight of my comfort with vulnerability, is that I have a tough time with the idea that I will still be loved when I'm "not okay".

Along those lines, I also watched the piece in the following link today (thank you Rose). It is all about vulnerability and connection. It is about 20 minutes long but it really is worth every minute. I started to cry when she got to the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0&feature=player_embedded

What I'm going to say next is not a fishing expedition. Please understand this. It is me processing and sharing.

What I realized, and have been struggling with for most of my life is that I have spent so much of my life feeling like I'm NOT "fill-in-the-blank" enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not good enough, not talented enough, not funny enough, not compassionate enough, not strong enough, etc., etc., etc. I have felt this way while simultaneously feeling like I'm TOO "fill-in-the-blank" in other ways. Too intense, too needy, too trusting, too open, too moody,too young, too old, too flaky, too fat, too stupid, too...whatever.

I have joked in the past that "I want to be perfect yesterday." In striving for this ridiculous and unattainable notion of "perfection" I've paralyzed myself from actual growth. In the process I've often heard myself utter the sentence "I'm not _____ enough but I'm too _______." What a ridiculously vicious and un-winnable cycle I set up for myself. It is a thought pattern that has only served to keep me stuck.

Well I grew tired of being stuck. Over the course of the past year and a half, I've been working hard at living from a place of gratitude. I've also been working hard at embracing my imperfection, and allowing myself to do things that I'm not good at. I have come to a place in my life where I genuinely love and like myself, and that is such a relief.

The good news is that I think I'm also starting to finally and very slowly embrace the notion that however I am is enough. That I am enough exactly how I am...right now....today...this moment. Up, down, abundant or depleted....I am enough.

I still get scared sometimes that I am going to be "too much." I still have a hard time with expressing my unhappiness when I'm feeling it, but I'm also finally grokking that I'm not an island unto myself. I need my friends when things get rough, and I need the support of my community. If I try to hide when I'm down because I "don't want to get it on anyone" then I'm keeping myself from experiencing support and connection and true friendship.

In essence, I'm robbing someone else of the opportunity to feel like they get to be there for another person. In addition, by doing so, I'm not affording someone else the opportunity to open up to me. How can they truly open up to me, if I'm not willing to also show my vulnerability?

If I continue to keep myself to myself, then this keeps me disconnected....and leaves me feeling unsupported. The worst part is that I've done it to myself. I know, intellectually, that there are any number of people I CAN call when things are tough, but when I'm down, I forget TO call, because emotionally I don't want to be a "bother" or a "burden" to anyone, and I'm finally really getting that this is just plain silly!

Well tonight I'm calling myself on my own hypocritical bullshit because it does not serve me, and does not allow for the kind of openness that I strive to live by. I call myself on it because I cannot expect anyone to truly trust me, to truly rely on me, or to know that I am there for them, if I don't show them my weaknesses too.

So tonight, this reminder is what I am most thankful for. I know I've got a remarkable support network. I am blessed with a wealth of people who I love and who love me. I have a beautiful treasury of amazing people in my life who offer themselves to me with genuine love and affection. I just have to allow myself to accept those things as freely as they are given...and to remember that I also offer those things and mean them when I say them, so I have to trust other people's genuineness too.

I'm thankful for the the happy accident of clicking on a link that Rose was gracious enough to share. It has given me wonderful food for thought.

Thank you, Rose. And thank you, my friends, for your love and patience with me while I grow. There is so much love in my heart for you. So much love. Thank you.

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #55 - 10/11/10

So much deliciousness this weekend. So much good. Thank goodness for Sesame Strada and the crazed inhabitants thereof. Thank goodness for silly fun. Just thank goodness.

I’m proud of myself for setting Monday nights as home/recovery nights. I need them and the quiet that comes with them. In the past I would have booked every single night of the week instead of just most of them, but I seem to be slowly learning the art of saying “Hey! I need time for me too.” It is a good thing. A nice lesson to be learning and living, and one I desperately needed.

In addition, I’m giving myself permission to do nothing on Mondays. I know I have photos to edit, papers to sort through, a house to tidy, etc, but last night I caught up on the rest of the Glee episodes I had missed instead. All of them except last week’s which I just watched. It was nice to do something mindless and relaxing and to be okay with doing just that.

Tonight I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Giving myself permission to do nothing and to do so without guilt.

2) The blessed hilarity of our Sunday Commedia show. Bird is the word and Cry Me a River and Shirt Ripping oh my! So much laughter. So much good.

3) Sea Dog Prom … it was silly and fun.

4) Getting to talk with Monique. Sometimes just hearing her voice makes me feel calm and good. Here’s to 20 years of friendship thus far, Dear One! I love you!

5) Getting to talk with Laura. Good and good for me! YAY!

6) Tidying my apt while I talked on the phone so that I got up to a relatively orderly home this morning.

7) Lunch with Patrick today! Thank you for wonderful conversations and for weathering the incredible shedding tree of doom. Too much funny that!

8) Transferring all of my writing over to my blog and realizing just how prolific I’ve been this past year ½. I’m proud of so many of the pieces I’ve written and it feels really good to be able to say that.

9) The fact that, much as I love taking pictures, I’ve not taken any during this faire. I know that is a funny thing to write, but what I mean by it is that I haven’t taken them because I can’t face taking the time to edit them right now, and recognizing that fact is another form of self-care and growth.

10) Being in bed by 10:30ish tonight…which I’m about to go and do.

Hooray!

Kind of fond of this one... :)

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #54 - 10/8/10

I just read my post from a year ago today, and it is really a lovely reminder that life can be so good sometimes. :) I like having these as reference points for the stops along my journey towards gratitude.

It has been one hell of a year, hasn't it? For so many of us. Ups, downs, births, deaths, love, heartache, sickness, health, new jobs, unemployment, pulling together, growing apart, and all of it... beautiful and challenging and crazy making and part of who we are now... TODAY... this instant...in part because of it.

What a miracle every single day is. The ugly days give birth to beautiful ones. The difficulty to the mirror of our friendships and how they reflect back to us the breathtaking generosity of spirit that can exist in ourselves and in our friends and family. Truly...I am in awe sometimes by the small miracles that are created when kindness is shared, when compassion is given and felt, when forgiveness exists and when love can conquer all.

Tonight, I should be sleeping, but I just somehow couldn't go to bed without singing my gratitudes for:

1) Tonight was our first Broadside meeting of the season. Thank you, Laura for taking the helm and for a lovely first gathering. Well done, Princess Stalkerina. I love you. And may I just say MONKEY MINTS!!!! YAY!

2) Lunch with Judith today. Hooray! You are a Joy! Thank you!

3) The conversations I've gotten and continue to get to share with Robin. You are a blessing, dear one. :) YAY!

4) Having over a year of Gratitudes to go back to for perspective and as a history. What a wonderful, self-replicating exercise this is.

5) The sunset tonight was beautiful.

6) Having a rather efficient afternoon at work. That always feels good.

7) I said it a year ago and I'll say it again today. POPSICLES for the win!

8) Soft flannel.

9) All of the yummies in store for this weekend. :) YAY!

10) Recognizing that I need to sleep more than I need to pack tonight, but somehow not more than I needed to write this! LOL! I'm so tired it almost aches.

tools of the trade

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #53 -- 10/7/10

Gratitude is amazing because it begets more gratitude. It is like a bottomless well for the possibility of recognizing goodness and I’m so … well…grateful for it. *wry smile*

There is something about recognition that propels me forward. Recognition of things that are good, recognition of the focus and follow-through it takes for me to write these, recognition of the internal reward I get when I recall the things that make life sweeter, recognition of the difficult and ugly things that are sometimes harder to find the positive in and the recognition that it really IS up to me to decide how I look at things from moment to moment.

I’m blessed by the brilliant conversationalists in my life. I find that I need them to thrive, and that the blessing of intelligent discourse is that it helps me to grow and to view things from angles that I might not have otherwise stepped around the established ones to view them from.

Tonight I sing the gratitudes for:

1) Brilliant conversationalists and the dialogues that ensue.

2) Kind assistance

3) Clean laundry

4) The unexpected peace that I feel in my heart tonight.

5) Anna for lending me her lights, and the fact that they’re now winding their way back to her. :) Thank you, Honey!

6) Friendship

7) Karen Mack. Yep, I’m thankful to and for you.

8) The beauty of crisp, clear Autumn days and the miraculous slanty light that happens during this time of the year.

9) Lunch with Liz and the hilarity of the pelican squirrel moment. *giggle* Thanks for sharing a slap-happy moment or two and some excellent conversation with me today!

10) Rudy’s Can’t Fail Café and the OMG nom BBQ Pulled Chicken Sandwich. And the joy of eating pumpkin pie first…because we’re

adults…and we can!

11) Recognizing that this is a form of meditation for me…writing these. That it stills and focuses my mind. What a blessing.

12) An exciting opportunity to see West Side Story in November. Thank you, Patrick! :)

13) Finding 13 things to be thankful for. :)

Good night!



Picture of my lamp -- Apropos of nothing... LOL

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #52 -- 10/6/10

I found myself complaining to myself about how much money I’d just spent at the grocery store tonight. Then I caught myself and realized how lucky I am that I am able to go to the grocery store and that I can afford to buy food for myself. It suddenly dropped everything into clear perspective and showed me once again that I can choose how I look at things at any given moment and find the positive or the negative in it. It just takes a moment of “the glad game”, as Pollyanna calls it in the famous book, to make many things that I might grumble about much a much happier prospect. :)

I’m no Pollyanna. I can’t always find the good in things, and quite often I wallow in my unhappy. During bad bouts of Depression with a capital D (ah Depression…such a colossal pain in my ass!), I sometimes simply (er, well no, complexly I guess) can’t find a way out of the sub-basement of my serotonin messy mind …nor can I find my way to gratitude when it gets really dark in here.

But MOST of the time, I CAN, if I remember to, make a choice about how I’m viewing a situation, which often leads me to find a way to be thankful for some aspect of it, or to have compassion for some participant in it (yes, even myself) and that can make all the difference in how it affects me. I like that I got that in a really concrete way tonight. I really, really like that.

Tonight I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Being able to buy groceries.

2) The clarity that brought me.

3) Trader Joe’s really does rock my socks.

4) Feeling beautiful for moments here and there. This sentence is not a fishing expedition. It is an acknowledgement of self. I lost sight of my own beauty somewhere and I’m starting to catch glimpses of it out of the corner of my spirit again. Internal and external beauty. It is nice to find in myself again.

5) Chatting with Holly tonight.

So much beauty in the world if you remember to notice it!

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #51 -- 10/5/10

I'm home tonight instead of being out with Amy and Kate because I ate something that upset my tummy. I'm sad not to be with them, but I'm also thankful to be home with me with time to decompress and relax. I gave myself permission to do nothing tonight but sit on the couch and watch last season's "Glee" episodes that I'd missed. I've watched two so far and let me just say how much I adore Neil Patrick Harris and Idina Menzel. Such a great show -- awesome writing, fun premise, good music, and lots and lots of talent. :)

These past two weeks have been richly blessed with old friends that I haven't seen in a long time coming out of the woodwork, and it feels a lot like “old home week”! You know that magic happenstance that sometimes occurs with people in your life that you haven't seen in a while? The one where it feels like you're picking the conversation back up right where you left off? And it feels like you left off just yesterday... only the reality is that it has now been a year, or 5 years, or 10 or 15 years? Well I've been blessed by the magic of the "I haven't seen you in forever but it doesn't matter" Fairy this week, and I love it. My heart feels at rest because of it. I am SO lucky! YAY! Hooray for life's "forever friends" coming home to roost.

Hooray for those moments in life where you realize that love and friendship are a daily miracle and that they should never be taken for granted. Hooray for perspective that only certain people can afford you and for the ability to afford someone else the same. Hooray!

So, I’m sitting here on the couch in my jammies, reveling in the fact that I am sitting here on the couch in my jammies, and I’m remembering why I’m not always so great about writing these as regularly as I’d like. It seems that I find myself compelled to type these when I really should be sleeping. LOL

And …really…I’m not so great at brevity. If brevity is the soul of wit then I guess my wit is soul-less. *giggle*

In an attempt to make up for that fact, and without further ado, tonight I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Cat Burton – college roommate extraordinaire, dear friend who my heart loves no matter the amount of time apart, a brilliant, warm and funny woman, and all around delightful person. I swear to god you haven’t aged and you are so beautiful inside and out that it is breathtaking! Thank you for making lunch happen today. More! Soon! I love you!

2) Unexpected nights to myself. I needed the down time.

3) Giving myself permission to slack tonight. It sounds ridiculous, but I’m really bad about just doing nothing when I’m home. Doing nothing tonight was exactly what I needed.

4) Glee. I loves it. Nuff said!

5) Sitting here on the couch in my jammies, reveling in the fact that I am sitting here on the couch in my jammies!

6) Friendships that pick up where they left off. :)

7) Finding several recipes for Congress Tarts online. I can’t wait to have the time to try them out. These are lovely raspberry almond paste tartlets that my Gran used to make. I loved them as a child and can’t wait to make them myself.

8) HOORAY for the word HOORAY!

9) Silliness. It makes the world a better place.

10) Intelligent political discourse. Thank you Jack & Kevin in particular.

11) Scott for pointing me in the direction of this man’s amazing blog. I really like his voice in general, but this piece on bullying is remarkable and very important: http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/memoirs-of-bullied-kid.html

And now, I think sleep needs to occur. :) G’night!