All photos and content © Tanya Anguita.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Excitement and evergreen...

There is a picture window with a cushioned seat nestled under it at the top of my house of dreams. The moon shines through it comfortingly on cold winter nights, and in the late afternoon, the sunlight of my spirit sends warmth through the glass so that I, and those around me, may bask, catlike, in it's gentle beams.

"Come inside," it says. "Put your feet up," it says. "There is repast for the spirit here, and rest for the weary. I will feed and comfort you. I will embrace your hurts and sing you songs of healing joy."

There is an old arm chair on the front porch of the watchtower of my soul. It is padded with contentment and ease. It invites those I care for to rest awhile in it's abundance as it is resplendent in joy, self-knowledge, and abiding contentment.

"Relax" it says. "Enjoy" it says. "There is soothing here and sweetness. Laughter and light. Stay a while and breathe deep of all that is good and true. I will brush back the fears from your forehead and protect you from them while you sleep."

As I peer out from the fortress of my fortitude I find, once again, that the view from my soul is a pleasing one. Endless possibility is spread out before me like so many mountains, standing rugged and rough hewn, in the rays of the arching late-autumn sun. Rivers of choice run in the valleys. Waterfalls of wonder pound out any doubts. I can hear the birdsong of many joys echoing off the distant hills and I often sing along. Opportunity grows on the trees around here, and everything smells like excitement and evergreen.

© Tanya Anguita

Friday, December 11, 2009


When I can't sleep I often write
Under veil of sacred night
Washed in need and want and worry
Words are succor; sound and fury

Want is a mischievous mistress.
Need is a capricious bitch
Longing is a sultry siren
Desire is a wanton witch.

First there's heat and then there's fire
Sometimes need. Sometimes desire
I can not sleep although I tire
Give me please, what I require!

I'm hungry once again it seems
For midnight whispers, passion's screams
For inhaled breaths that stop and catch
As our strong bodies meet and match

I can taste your mouth on mine
Hands entangled, tongues entwined
Muscles cording, skin to skin
Who ends here and who begins?

I want you on me, in me, near me
Please me, tease me, and endear me
I want to wrap myself around you
Bite you, scratch you, hips to pound you

I cannot shake this want tonight
I feel your kiss, i want your bite
I want to taste you, breathe you in
To find your heaven, live the sin.

I want to watch you lose composure
To risk it all with full disclosure
To hold back nothing, give you all
So push me up against that wall.

I'll meet you half way, you're divine
I want your body next to mine
You feel my heart, you know it's beating
Come towards me, stop retreating.

And all I want
is you.

© Tanya Anguita

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #35 -- 12/09/09

I have pretty much taken to being thankful in my head and heart most of the time these days. I also seem to be living in a state of general positivity. Because of this, I find that days and sometimes weeks go by in between writing out my gratitudes. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

The act of writing my gratitudes with regularity helped me to form the habit of living with gratefulness in my heart. The act of writing my gratitudes helped me to learn to live in a state of gratitude. Now the act of living positively is reminding me to write it out again...because sometimes having it out there in writing is a good reminder for my soul on days when I might feel a little lost in a sea of indigo...and sometimes...rarely...I can still get a little lost there...though I seem to find the map in the stars to get out again much more quickly than I used to. I like this circle of is a good one. :)

The past months, and November, in particular, have been full of joy and craziness...pretty much in equal parts. I look at November as one big MOVING(tm) blur. Give notice, house hunt, house hunt, house hunt, pack, pack, pack, house hunt more, start Dickens Rehearsals/Workshops, continue to pack and house hunt, get closer and closer to the end of the month, still no home, have many kindly offers of sofas and guest beds, count my blessings yet again, house hunt more and finally...find a place that I love love love, turn in an application and wait for 4 1/2 days for a response...get a response that Sunday, get keys the day before Thanksgiving, pack all day on Thanksgiving, work Dickens Fair on Friday and Saturday, movers come Sunday, Monday Carma (bless her) helps me clean my old place all day and we move the final loads into my new home. Tuesday, I wake my new house knowing that i'm all done with the old...

Here I am... a week and one day later, with a second weekend of Dickens Fair under my belt, my living room 95% in order, my kitchen 95% done, and my bedroom 85% done. We won't discuss the 40% done chaos that is my guest room, but really? I think I'm allowed. *grin*

I am so incredibly pleased to live here that I pretty much do a happy dance every time I walk through the front door into my home. MY home. The place where *I* live. I feel so inexorably blessed by it all! I wake up smiling most days with the thought "I live here" as a waking thought.

So I'm sitting in my now tidy living room, chatting and laughing with Anni via IM, listening to Appalachian Journey, and feeling deeply thankful for my delicious life.

Tonight I sing the gratitudes for:

1) Having a new home that I love. It actually feels like a home...not just a house...but a home. SUCH a nice feeling.

2) Movers Anonymous. These guys were amazing. From the moment I talked to Sean on the phone, to the time that Crispin and Sy took the final load into my new home...working with them was a true joy. They were smart, courteous, funny, kind and efficient....not to mention cute. ;) I recommend them to everyone moving. And they were reasonably priced. I give them a 10 out of 10.

3) Carma for being my clean up the old house companion and saviour and sanity. I do not EVEN know how to thank you enough for that. It actually made it fun and I was so thankful to get to have a day with you. SO SO SO SO grateful! Thank you! Love you so!

4)I'm very proud of myself for how I managed this whole move. I planned it out pretty well, was proactive throughout the process, and was ready for it when it happened. Subsequently it went very very smoothly. Hooray for learning from my past mistakes!

5) The incredible kindness and support everyone showed me through this process. Thank you all. Truly. It meant the world to me to have your encouragement, patience and love coming my way.

6) Getting time with Carma & Steph. So many wonderful years of friendship under the bridge for the 3 of us and being with you two *IS* being home so there was something so miraculously joyful about getting to have you over for the first meal cooked here. Thank you, thank you, thank you! What an incredible treat.

7) I'm having a great time dancing/performing with the Broadside Music Hall at the Dickens Fair again this year. It is relatively stress-free and I'm having a lot of fun. And I'm loving dancing with Le Cancan Bijou yet again. It feels so good. Hooray. Thank you all!

8) Along those lines -- Thank you, Laura.. Debuting our pants duet number on Saturday was a blast. Androgyny is fun to play with, eh? :) I think we make pretty hot boys. LOL!

9) Thank you Anni.for sharing all of the amazing dance links and for the hilarious conversation tonight. You truly rock my socks! Thank you also for reminding me that "I am grateful to myself, for choosing the path less traveled. The beauty I have found there is indescribable, and that by choosing that less traveled path, I have found my own beauty amongst the brambles in my rose covered life. "

10) Working heaters are made of win on cold winter nights!

11) Everyone who played the limerick game with me today. Thank you! What silly fun!

12) New bedding. Nothing like having a pretty bed to climb into at night to make one feel infinitely cozy and blessed!

13) Being graced with Deb's presence tonight!

14) Being graced with Liz's presence at lunch today!

15) Penguins . :)

It is now time for this wee Tanya to get some sleep. Good night all!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Tanya's Moon Trio


Cloud cloaked
she sits
in the cold night sky,
wisps of cumulus wrapped
around her glowing face.
She is
star adorned
star adored
and glorious.
Breathtaking in her
in her slow fade.
Age suits her
and she is
magnificence incarnate.


"Describe the moon"
she said to him
"Describe the moon for me!"
She asked it neat
and asked it sweet
as they stood by the sea.

So he set out to
one moonlit night
to act on her behest
and found himself at quite a loss
to fulfill her request.

He spoke it and he wrote it.
He danced it with the dawn.
He sang it and he acted it
His movements lingered on.
He shouted from the mountaintops
He painted it in beauty
He raged it to the breaking waves
And worked on it with duty.
He swayed with it, he swore with it
All in a reverent voice
He ached for it, he burned for it
He daily made a choice.

He honoured her great beauty
Paid homage to her light.
He howled to her deliciousness,
Was humbled by her might.
He laughed with her graciousness
And languished in her glory.
He canted every chant he knew -
Cajoled another story.

His actions, they were tried and true
His words magnificent and new
His paintings pure, his songs were searing
His dances divine and endearing.
He walked his talk and talked his verity
His spirit strong, defined sincerity.

As they walked on in later years
Along that self-same sea
While looking at her lovingly
He offered her this plea

“I still want to describe the moon,
Describe the moon for you!
But trying to describe the moon,
A mortal cannot do.

Trying to describe the moon --
A thing beyond compare --
Is quite like plucking birdsong
Out of the morning air.”

She tiptoed then and kissed him
And whispered in his ear
And there beneath the waning moon
Everything was clear.

She smiled at him and held him close
And held him to her breast
“Describe my kiss” she smiled at him
“And just forget the rest…”


There was a young pianist named June
Who passionately loved the moon
Whether waxing or waning
She felt she was reigning
Supreme when she played “Clare de Lune”

©Tanya Anguita

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Oh Sleep...
Elusive Sleep,
Visit me.
I long
for your touch
in the too dark night.

Whisper in my ear
the song of your seduction.
Embrace me in your willing arms.
Kiss me senseless.
Sink your teeth
into my waiting flesh
Give me sweet release.
Meet me in my desire
Match me in my need
Pin me to the covers
and take me.

Oh Sleep...
Elusive Sleep,
Visit me.
I long
for your touch
in the too dark night.

© Tanya Anguita

Friday, November 20, 2009

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #34 -- 11/20/09

Hmmm....I'm feeling up-in-the-airish tonight. I'm still sitting in so many maybes and almosts in my life right now...and I'm not so fond of or good at limbo. It isn't where I'm comfortable...I like forward movement...action...and limbo is rubbing wrong against my spirit.

I am feeling a little bit conflicted, mired in uncertainty, and slightly baffled by the sudden onset of a mood tainted a subtle shade of indigo. A case of the blues? Nope, not really....more like a small glass of it....but still, there is a little bit of azure on all of my emotional laundry tonight and I'm thinking some thankfulness might be the bleach my soul needs to get those feelings clean and shiny again. :)

So with out further preamble tonight, my gratitudes include:

1) Watching others write daily gratitudes this month. It is really nice to see and I'm so glad that people are able to remind themselves of their small and large joys on a daily basis. Plus it is an excellent reminder to embrace my own thankfulness. I really think positive thinking is something that has to become habit...I can attest to that from my own experience...and gratitude really is an amazing reminder of why I can and should be positive in my life. Not false positivity...but the kind that comes from realizing how blessed I truly am on a regular basis. It is incredible what a difference this has made for me in how I feel about most everything. I feel like I've gained perspective and strength from feeding the part of my soul that is grateful...and boy...what an amazing thing that can be. Hooray for gratitude. :) Hooray!

2) Ryowa Ramen House sesame ramen. Yum. Ryowa is this funny little ramen house on University Ave...and they make yummy bowls bigger than your head...and it is tastilicious! Tonight the 5ish year old daughter of one of the cooks and I played with her strawberry shortcake stamp until the food came. It was a lovely way to wait. :)

3) The incredible generosity of my friends. People keep offering couches to me should I not find a place to live this month and I'm so thankful to and for you all. An enormous thanks to Amy and Katie in particular. I truly don't know what I'd do without the two of you sometimes. THANK YOU!

4) Knowing that I have next week off to pack, sort housing out, and get ready for Dickens Fair. Phew...I love it when I'm smart!

5) The gift of connection and re-connection that Facebook keeps giving me. Funny thing this definitely has some frustrating quirks....but has some really excellent aspects as well and for that I'm thankful. :)

6) Homemade Oatmeal Cookies. Yum!

7) Clean sheets. I love the feeling of getting into clean sheets. It is a simple decadence and it makes me happy. Mmmm...clean sheets.

8) Lists...they help me track things....and with my wiring...lists are a great thing.

9) Clever and moving lyricists who are able to express things far more gracefully than I seem to be capable of. Hooray for good songwriters.

10) The wealth of incredible writers I have in my life...and their willingness to share their writing with me. So much creativity and yum! Thank you for being inspirational!

Yep...finding gratitude really can shift my attitude...and hooray for that. I feel all shiny and clean now.

And on that note, I bid you all a sweet good night!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

because we can...

hope sings a song
in the still of night.
her voice soft and lilting,
strong and sultry,
as it
wreaths our hearts
in the promise of possibility.

longing tattoos a message
in invisible ink
on our waiting skin.
her hand eloquent and exquisite,
artful and appetent,
as she
sets story to flesh
in the quiet before dawn.

faith is hope's sister
and she
is the act
of choosing to believe
the tune that hope swings
as she saunters down the street.

desire is longing's mirror
and she
is the act
of choosing to embrace
what we read
in the indelible ink
that longing
blithely sinks
into our aching souls...

and we?
we sit here
with hope and faith
longing and desire
and laugh
and live
and love..

because we have to
because we want to
because we need to
because we can...

© Tanya Anguita

© Tanya Anguita

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #33 -- 11/06/09

Singing the gratitudes. Singing, Singing, SINGING the gratitudes. La-la-laaaaaaaa

It is an exciting but slightly muddied time in my life. There are lots of in-betweens and almosts and maybes happening for me. Transitions. Shifts. Growth. All good things, sometimes complex, lots of uncertainties...and mostly I'm excited about all of, however, it has been giving me waves of feeling a little off balance and I think it is time to remind myself of the things I'm thankful for.

So without further ado, today's gratitudes include:

1) Rainbows....I got to see rainbows last night on my way into the City. Somehow, they never lose their magic for me. The 5 year old that is so-very-present in my soul gets jump-up-and-down excited every single time I see one. I feel like I get to breathe life in just a little more richly every time I'm lucky enough to see that remarkable play of colour, water and light splashed across the sky. Hooray for rainbows.

2) Haircuts ... hadn't had one since July. I really feel like I get lighter and happier after I've had a haircut. Cutting the dead bits away and leaving healthy happy curls behind. I think I left a small woodland creature on the floor of the salon last night. Hee hee!

3) Scintillating conversation and brilliant dialogue. Yum!

4) Laughter with Carma last night. Secret Goat, 47 Strings & Ned, and A.D.D. Theater indeed! 28 years of friendship and counting! HOORAY! Thank you!

5) Dancing again. Dancing Again. Dancing Again. Can't wait for Capoeira again on Monday. So happy to be dancing cancan with Bijou again this year too. Loving the feeling of my heart pounding life through my veins and the ache of well used muscles. Loving it! So much fun! Did I mention, loving it? Yep....loving it!

6) Writing. Discovering writing again. I did it a lot when I was younger and over the years it got tucked behind all of the other things in my life, but I've found it again in the past few months, and I'm so happy to be doing it. It is such a blessing for my spirit. It gives me solace, offers me a respite, and allows me to communicate my thoughts and feelings in a much more articulate way than I might otherwise...kind of like um... this Fine Print . Yep...hooray for writing again. Just...yay!

7) Whatever switch that finally flipped with 40. I wake up these days and I truly like myself. 95% of the time, I like myself, I believe in myself and I feel the blessed weight of my own worth. It is such a refreshing and miraculous feeling after so many years of self-doubt. Thank goodness for that switch. May it remain in the On position. :)

11/5/09 -- I love the rain
2/17/09 -- Rain Melt
2/17/09 -- Rearview

8) Rain...I love rain. Hooray for water coming from the sky.

9) Not coughing every 2 minutes. I'm so thankful for this. After a month of coughing daily, I think it is finally subsiding and I'm SO happy about it. Hooray for not coughing.

10) Virtual puddle fights! HOORAY and thank you for playing! Particular thanks to Marc & Kristin! That was a fun way to spend the afternoon. :)

11) Ladybug rainboots. Nuff said!

12) Water...drinking more of it....feels so good. Seems I'm sleeping more and better when I do so...hooray for that too.

13) many delicious sunsets...soul soothing, centering, inspiring, glorious and ever-changing sunsets. Here is a small video of the amazing sunset with rainbows from last night: SUNSET

14) Delivery sushi. Yum. I know I've mentioned this before but yum!

And now, I wish you all love and joy!
Thank you for being in my life!
Good night!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Some nights

Some nights
The bed is too empty
To get into alone.

I'd rather lie on the grass
under the full moon
and howl
at her magnificence
than creep
yet again
the beckoning covers
and try to find warmth
on my own.

Some nights
The want is too consuming
To lie
To yourself about.

I cannot run from it tonight.
It offers me no hiding place.
I am simply being consumed
in one painful bite.

Some nights
The desire is too daunting
To ignore
In the darkness.

So here I sit,
Huginn & Muninn
perched on my shoulders;
lost in waking dreams
of a lover's caress
at moonrise
and the
rich dark ache that
a well-turned phrase
can leave on one's soul.

I'm teased by thoughts
of breathless whispers,
and the sharp tug
of fingers
tangled in my hair.

I'm fueled by images
of twining limbs,
taut muscles,
and the
scent of skin and satisfaction.

And I'm lonely.
Lonely for
simple touch and
the easy affection
that comes with
knowledge of person and place.

What demon feeds these
that taunt me
as midnight
creeps towards me
in this still dark house?

And how,
pray tell,
do I silence it?

© Tanya Anguita

Fine Print

There is a story of longing
written in fine print
at the bottom of our souls.

It's there.
I promise.
Take a look now.
I know you'll find it.

It looks like Joy,
Tastes like Freedom,
Feels like Happiness
Sounds like Laughter.

Do you see it yet?

It weighs everything
and nothing
and sings like a nightingale
that has just found it's voice.

It smells
they say,
like the first rain
on a dry summer day.
Like the crook of your beloved's neck.
Like memory.

Keep looking.

Push back the muddied curtains of fear.
Dig under the heap of past hurts,
Throw out the cloak of cynicism
Lean in...

It might be the secret wish
that wakes you with a
smile in the night.

Or a hand on your face
that you settle
blissfully into.

It could be the body curved
around yours
when you wake from a nightmare
in the early dawn.

Have you found it yet?
Don't give up.

It might be the smile shared with a stranger,
the touch of a baby's fingers,
or sleep that comes easily.

Mine is written on my heart
and it whispers to me in the
silent times.

If you've lost the decoder ring
for the language it speaks
Sit and talk with me a while
I'll remind you of the
ancient texts written
on your spirit
and teach your tongue
to speak again
in the dialects of love.

© Tanya Anguita

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #32 -- 11/03/09

Full of Thanks.
Yep....that about sums it up.

Tonight I have a lot of gratitudes to sing and I don't know where to begin. Some are big and loud and are begging to be let out, and others are quiet and deeply personal and don't need airing.

So tonight, I will simply say thank you and leave you with the full moon to ponder.

Thank you.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Light licks the water gently
causing it to
shiver and purr
in the late afternoon sunlight.

I find solace and succor here;
Stillness and solitude.

Here, on the pier,
the Sun
kisses me a fiery good night
and I find myself
on my toes,
face raised,
back arched,
and straining
to meet it's ardor.

The remaining rays caress my skin
with the gentleness
of an affectionate sweetheart
on a cool autumn night,
and my beating heart slows and settles
into the comfort of that warming touch.

© Tanya Anguita

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate The Positive #31 -- 10/23/09

I actually wrote this Friday night (hence the date) but somehow never posted. lol.

Singing the gratitudes tonight....

When sleep won't come and I need to still my mind, the gratitudes always bring me home. I think tonight's will be in a more narrative form than bear with me...

It has been a rich and difficult and beautiful and complex and exciting and growth-filled couple of months. I am learning my own strengths and enjoying being me in a way that I'm not sure I have since childhood.

I feel good. I feel strong. I feel like I may have finally gotten some things that friends have been trying to tell me about me for a long, long time now. Things about my worth and value, about who I am both from the inside and as seen from the outside and about my sense of self. I like what I'm finding out. I like who I am. I'm making wiser choices, and learning about what I do and don't need and want in my life. I'm taking better care of my soul. I feel more centered and more ME than I have maybe ever.

And the best bit? I like me. It is kind of great. And about time.

Yes, there are things to work on. Yes, there are things to shift/change/grow into/away from...but over all...I'm liking the person I wake up to every morning in that foggy bathroom mirror. And it is such a relief. :)

Those of you who have known me for a long time are probably either slapping hands to foreheads, or doing a dance of "about fucking time", and I thank you for not giving up on me and my mental hamsters all these years. I can't promise that the little bastards won't occasionally come back to rear their ugly little hamstery heads again....but I can promise to be swifter to silence them, and more gracious in the accepting of compliments. I will really listen to your kind words and better take them to heart. Because? Because I'm finally getting that I deserve it...and also...that the kind things you say to me....are your truth...and therefore are truth...I can't deny anyone else their belief of me....and sometimes it would be wise for me to embrace a little of that kindness for myself...and here I am...doing that...and I thank you for showing me how to be kinder to myself. It has really helped.

Ta-da! Proof positive that growth happens, Ladies & Gentlemen!

And truly? Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

With deepest Love and Gratitude!
Me. :)

Thursday, October 22, 2009


I'm hungry.
I can't sleep tonight.
And what I want, isn't on a menu,
So don't send me to the pantry to seek my satisfaction.

I crave taste, touch and teeth sinking into flesh.
I long to savor, sup on and sigh with it.
I wish for flavor, fervor and fire.
I want vigor and voracity,
appetence and ache,
tenderness and truth.

There is no tomorrow...
only now...
this moment...
this instant in time...
and I wish to consume it...
to swallow it whole...

I'm famished for
warmth under my tongue,
the heady scent of midnight,
the comfort of easy touch.

I'm hungry.
I can't sleep tonight.
And what I want, isn't on a menu....

© Tanya Anguita

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I am very happy just being me....

My mother sent me a care package while I was ill that came in the mail today. (It was the sweetest gesture and made my heart happy. Hooray for my awesome mommy!)

In it, she put a copy of a school newspaper from when I was in 7th grade...complete with poems I'd written at the age of 12. I was struck by these lines at the end of one of them:

I am very happy as I am, you see
And I hope you are happy with you.
I am very happy just being me
And you should be happy you're you!

It has taken me just about all of the last 28 years to come back to that place. I'm so glad to be home. :)

Love abounding!

Monday, October 19, 2009

With a yes...

I said a prayer
to the rain soaked clouds
And they answered
with a yes,
and a yes,
and a mighty YES!

©Tanya Anguita

Thursday, October 15, 2009

One Laughs Me By

Reflections of whispered dreams
come back to me
on the afternoon breeze.

Confidences in the dark,
shared between lust-drunk kisses,
and the heady heat of limb touching limb.
Tongues weave tales of fever and ferment,
And I'm looking for the mirror to my soul.

Standing here on the sunset pier,
I reach up to pluck Echoes out of the autumn air,
Arched forward,
As one laughs me by.

© Tanya Anguita

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Still dark night

In the dream, the wind is shaking my tree and I feel my leaves coming loose.
I am bent by the elements until my muscles ache from the strain.
My heart pounds with the swift cadence of the storm-heavy raindrops on the sidewalk.
I seem to be seeking the still point tonight. The eye in my personal storm.

Startled in the midnight air, I waken to the sound of my own voice mid-gasp.
I am disoriented....excited....aware....alone....

Desire can be an ardently glorious bitch sometimes. When she dons her finest gown woven with the images of twining limbs and hands tangled in hair... her scent that of warm skin, salt and smoke....and her adornments the echos of sinews straining, hearts beating as one and the lingering sounds that a lover makes in the still dark night, that is when I love her, I hate her and I'm left wanting.

I was not prepared for this onslaught tonight. I thought I'd managed to tamp Desire down, like a campfire on a cool October night, only to be raised again when I put flame to tinder, but She will not be denied. She is not so easily tamed. Her flames lick at me, teasingly....demanding recognition. She is relentless, and I don't know where to turn.

©Tanya Anguita

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Light drawn to light.

From the center of my spirit I shine.
Light drawn to light.
I am awash in the glow and thankful for the brilliance.

© Tanya Anguita

I love the song that the rain sang on my roof all night.

I love the song that the rain sang on my roof all night.

It makes me want to sing along....
to share a sultry duet in the early morning light.

I want to stand beneath the downpour, skin to rain to skin and feel it wash my soul clean.
To feel the water embrace me, caress me, cover me, cleanse me.
To wash my body and spirit in the newness of it ...until I'm one with it.

I raise my face to the sky and
give thanks for the heavy wetness
moving across my eyelids,
down my cheeks,
into my waiting mouth.

I feel the cold drops nipping at my neck,
sinking their sharp teeth into me,
and I shiver.

I want the urgency of this autumn storm to meet mine
and then to release me.

I love the song that the rain sang on my roof all night.

© Tanya Anguita

Thursday, October 8, 2009

10/08/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #30

So much to be thankful for. So so much. I took the photo above at Stafford several years ago and it just seems to be the right one to head off to night's gratitudes. :)

When I'm ill like this I'm reminded of how thankful I am for my general good health. Today, I need to remind myself of it again because this is really sucking raw and rotten eggs. I've just reached the "no longer a trooper" phase of this illness and I want it to be f-ing done! Colourful...I know. *blush*

Perfect time to remind myself of the things I'm thankful for, yes?

My birthday weekend was truly a miracle of love and planning and kindness and generosity and amazingness. I am overwhelmed by it and moved by it and humbled by it and deeply and truly thankful for it. I so deeply enjoyed being a part of it and reveled in every minute of it. :)

I am one of the luckiest women in the world and I am so blessed to know every single one of you. I do not take that for granted...ever.

So today I sing the gratitudes as follows:

1) I am one of the luckiest women in the world and I am so blessed to know every single one of you. I do not take that for granted...ever.

2) My birthday weekend was truly a miracle of love and planning and kindness and generosity and amazingness. I am overwhelmed by it and moved by it and humbled by it and deeply and truly thankful for it. I so deeply enjoyed being a part of it and reveled in every minute of it. :)

3) That I am finally 40. Not sitting on that evil self-inflicted precipice of "almost 40" with all of the dragons and demons of what I haven't accomplished "by 40" sitting at the bottom taunting me. It seems silly but the " 9" years...really seem to do a number on me. Once I finally reach the 0 years...I seem better equipped to deal. Which isn't to say that I'm not still grappling with a lot of major life just means that I'm not adding the stress of having to do it by 3 days ago to the mix. Hooray for being 40. Hooray!

4) Eileen, Amy, Carma, Monique, Katie, Cybele & Jen -- THANK YOU!!!! Thank you for taking my birthday out of my hands and giving me such a miraculous weekend. Thank you for loving me so much and for showing me so clearly that I am loved. Thank you. *tears* Thank you.

5) My family. Thank you all so much for coming to celebrate with me. I love the photo above that Carma took of us. So fun! Thank you. Just...thank you. Conrad (my step-dad/father figure) coming was one of the biggest and best surprises ever. I was totally blown away. See my glee below. *grin*

6) Everyone who made it out for whatever part of the weekend the wonderful folks in #3 invited you to. It was such a blessing to see all of you and such a blessing to have the process taken out of my hands. If you weren't invited, I'm sorry, it was an oversight born of being taken care of by friends. :)

7) Amazing conversation and company under a brilliant Harvest Moon. Thank you Colleen and Elliot. That conversation will carry me and my soul for a while. It made me feel vital and alive and excited and limitless. Thank you.

8) My generally good health. I try not to take it for granted. On days like this when I've had a flu beating me mind, body and spirit for 4 days....I'm really reminded of how lucky I am most days of the year. Most days I get to feel okay. Most days I get to be comfortable in my skin. I'm so lucky!

9) For the brilliant story-telling and sharing that came out of my Missing Blackpoint note. Thank you all for sharing your memories and stories too. I'm so moved by your openness and your ability and willingness to play with me. Thank you.

10) For co-workers who are kind...and who sent me home today when they heard me coughing, coughing, coughing at work.

11) Tess...for encouraging me to get a ukelele, and for John at 5th String who helped me to pick one out. She's an Ohana Ukelele and her name is Lilo...she told me. :) I like her. And can already play a song...not well...but I can play a song!!!

12) Amy & Stephi for coming to be with me on Tuesday despite my illness. For loving me gently through my tears and for head pets and hand massages and laughter and the incredible warmth and light of your friendship. Thank you.

13) Leftover Thai food means no cooking when I'm sick. Oh thank goodness for that.

14) Flannel jammies and bunny slippers and a soft fuzzy blue robes. Comforting and curative...I swear it.

15) Baths.....I don't take them often enough because the bathtub in this cottage is ridiculously huge and I feel drought guilt when I fill it, but I decided that my body deserved some love tonight and I am so glad that I chose to love it. (Not in *that* way....get yer minds out of my bathtub! *wink*) I love being in water. SARK says "When Children Are Cranky, Put Them In Water"...I think the same goes for me. It soothes me, calms me, relaxes me, centers me. I feel cradled in it and embraced by it. So good. Yummmmmm.

16) Katie....thank you for popsicles and juice and soup and conversation at a distance. Dance well and joyfully tonight. Know that you're in my heart.


Ok....I'm just prattling in fevered delirium now. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

Much love and gratitude to and for you all!

Enjoying Casa

I think my note yesterday made me further appreciate how much I'm enjoying doing the Faire right now.

I'm enjoying the magic of Casa so much. There is something about the light streaming through the trees in the late afternoon that warms my heart like few things have in a long time. It is great, majestic, slippery, subtle and stunning light and I am embracing it anew. I'm finding new friends, new space for me, new magic to be created, new memories forming...and I'm having more fun than I have in years.

Performing with Commedia Volante and Serenata and the stories and laughter we share in between show times. I feel so privileged to be a part of this group. So blessed.

Singing with Blame It On Eve...and the teenaged girls at our show on Sunday who giggled at all of our silly jokes.

Manly Men Shows, Seadogs singing, and dancing with Newcastle. Oh the Joy of dancing with Newcastle again.

Sitting at the Coughing Sheep, having a pint and sharing more of that magical elixir: Laughter while watching the world go by. Listening to Bruno play music behind me....and feeling like I'm settling into a new home...a new place of comfort and community.

Losing my hair onstage on opening weekend, and losing my lines on 2nd weekend. Carlos and later Elliot wearing my fall, hair flowers in Michael's beard and hair....oh the rich and fulfilling. I love the ache of side-splitting laughter.

Old friends I've just met, new friends I'm still meeting, and old friends I get to reconnect with.

There are new places to explore, new stories to be created, and it is so easy to be here because of the familiarity of it all, even admidst the newness.

I love this place. I love the people in it. Thank you for welcoming me so richly and so warmly into the heart of this Faire. I feel embraced and I embrace you back. :)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Missing Blackpoint

For some reason, I find myself missing Blackpoint today. Especially my last couple of years there.

The smell of bay leaves and oak trees. Meandering or running up the high road. The light in the late afternoon as the sun started to greet the horizon and that mystical blue black at twilight with a gentle breeze singing through the leaves.

I miss Shanachie and sharing a backstage with Albion and the laughter and friendships and relationships that came out of that magical time. The inside jokes, the dress up parties, the laughter....did I mention the laughter? Oh the brilliant, side-splitting, endless laughter.

I miss dancing like that...even in 15 pounds of wool on a hot day....and knowing that we were bringing joy to a crowd of friends and strangers. I was so proud of being a part of that show. So very proud.

Puddledance and our Sidhe names. Our kiddie pool and Sidhe kibbles. Our Wizard of Oz show and the hilarity attached to that including Cindy's wonderful laughter. :)

I miss rapping the Sidhe Song in the Red Barn and the speed at which we were expected to dance that night.

Even becoming one with the tree backstage has a poignancy to it...and a I sobbed and apologized at the same time to the poor EMT who wasn't quite sure whether to comfort me or laugh at me. And then there was the child the following week that told someone to tell "the pretty lady who sang, that her make up was running" because my black eye from said tree experience was evident from the audience. Oy.

I miss the Birds of Prey show before us and the hilarity of Mark cleaning up after Lady Margaret that one amazing day when he couldn't find a towel. Thank you Mark. :)

Bruno below stage crawling out like mice from every conceivable exit...and them graciously agreeing to imbibe another time...thank you Gentlemen. Chris McIlroy's amazing photos...

I miss going to tease Sound & Fury -- gingerbread men, churros, carving cucumbers with our teeth, bananas -- and the look of hilarious surprise and oh-jesus-what-are-these-girls-going-to-do-now of it. My mother joining us for the gingerbread men...and the glee we all got out of that. Shelby's gift and the funny of that.

I miss Eileen (Durasidhe) dancing on the table at the front of the Inn, and singing there with George. I miss the night of "Queen of the World" and of the disco party Monique and I happened upon. I miss quiet conversations at Innyard stage and swing dancing with Joe there too. I miss climbing up into the trees at night and singing to the moon.

I miss showers with Jessie and all of the laughter we shared out there on those crazy Autumn nights. I miss reading children's books to each other and the cozy puppy piles fully of comfortable affection.

I miss singing in Robin's booth with Robin & Doreen. Street sets with Newcastle when I could make them.

I miss "sleeping" in the street and Monique and I being "Town Criers" together. My pet butterfly "Fang", Hannah's fake hair, gigging with the Scot's boys, learning to country dance on stage with Kevin & Jason, Red Tail Morris, Dancing in to the Faire with Newcastle, Sodomize A Lark and the Hemaphrodite pictures in the "contract" that I presented to Himself when I was in St. Pats. Hogties (you must kiss everyone of us or one of us like you mean and so much flirting. So, so much flirting. I miss the Well, and the Court. I miss Queen's Show...and the size of the Parades. I miss cooking eggs on the stage and running through the Maze at night...giggling all the while. I miss the parties and the night life. I miss camping on Cardiac and camping in the parking lot.

And Mullah's. I always miss Mullah's and the sense of going home that settling in there at any hour of the day brought. Iced chai with lots of honey during the day. Hot chai with lots of honey at 3 in the morning. :) And for the brave and strong of heart, Turkish Coffee. :)

I miss Witches' Wood and the End of the World. I miss Pig's Cott and Front Gate. Horse Tourney and Irish Camp. I miss the big swing and riding on the Moon. Caravansery stage and visions of Reduced Shakespeare from years ago with Adam climbing that danged tree as Juliet. I miss crawling up into the windows of Innyard and taking in the passers by.

I miss friends absent and a place that once was.

Friday, September 25, 2009

9/25/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #29

Pleasantly exhausted and late-night delirious. Thankful for a wonderful day.

Today I sing the gratitudes for:

1) The fact that Eileen is. I love you, Sweet One. Thank you for talking with me to day. You are such a blessing in my life. You're in my heart and thoughts and I adore you!

2) Hooray for a fun afternoon with Amy! Thankyouthankyouthankyou! Love you!

3) Fabulous vintage dresses found today. Been a long time since I've found such fun clothing.

4) An evening with my mom and surrogate Aunt Barbara. Going to Barbara's house is an act of going home. She is amazing. 84, smart, sassy and beautiful. She has been a constant source of love and understanding in my life. I had my first slumber party at her apartment when I was 5 years old. 35 years later, she's still living in the same place and it is comforting and familiar and wonderful to visit her. SO thankful to and for her. So so thankful! And here she is:

1/13/09 -- My Beautiful Aunt Barbara on her 84th Birthday

5) Having a four day weekend rocks. Day 1 = fantabulousness!

6) All of the early birthday wishes are so sweet. Thank you!

7) Falling on the escalator and not doing more than a little bruising of my hand and ego. Phew!

8) Did I mention that I have the rocking-est mom ever? I love being with her so much. SO tickled that she's come down to spend the weekend with me. SO thankful that I get to be her daughter.

9) It was kind of fabulous today to have no cell phone. My battery died and I was reminded of how nice it was to not have one. It was nice to not be able to check my phone or call or or or....

10) So looking forward to the next few days. SO looking forward to it. It feels really nice to have happy anticipation going on. YAY!

Ok...sleep must happen now. Nighty night!

9/24/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #28

I decided that I wasn't actually okay with my house being messy after I got up at 6:30 today and tidied my house. I felt like I had kicked ass by 8 a.m. and it was great way to kick off a day of taking no prisoners. It was also really nice to come home to a neat house. What a relief.

My mommy is visiting! My mommy is visiting yay!

Brevity is the soul of wit tonight so I'm singing the following gratitudes:

1) My mom is visiting! YAY!

2) Not having to set an alarm for the morning for the first time in a very long time!

3) Getting to go see Elizabeth Gilbert speak at the Marin Civic Auditorium tonight was truly wonderful. She is such a brilliant, real, funny, articulate, amazing woman and an excellent public speaker too! Thank you Deb for this amazing birthday gift!!! Thank you thank you thank you! It was an inspiring, interesting, insightful and all around wonderful evening. Glad I waited to have my book signed!

4) Avocados! Yum!

5) Toasted sourdough bread as a late night snack WITH said avocados! Yum squared!

6) The amazing smell of Big Ben roses from my co-worker's yard. She brought me four of them and oh...they are heady and amazing!

7) Again...awkward conversations can sometimes lead to greater clarity. It has been a week for this. I'm thankful for it though when it gets you somewhere that looks like growth and understanding.

8) Figuring out when it is time to sleep even when I feel like I should still be writing!

G'night all!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #27 -- 9/23/09

Strange day. Hard day. Good day. Strange day. Hard day. Good day. The three are not mutually exclusive terms for the same day.

Thankful. Thank FULL! Full of Thanks. Hmmm...

The mind is a baffling place sometimes. It sends me dreams and strange portents. It offers solace from itself. It eats itself and then creates itself anew. I find laughter in the darkest corners of it and sadness sometimes in amongst the light. I gain sleep and anxiety in the same night. I am able to still some thoughts while being run over by others. Did I mention that the mind is a baffling place sometimes?

The gratitudes I sing today include:

1) Getting two nights of decent sleep for the first time in over a month. 8 hours a night for two nights. Miraculous and wonderful. May this trend continue. :)

2) Making the choice to take care of myself rather than push myself this winter. I'm sad not to be a part of something new and shiny and exciting, but SO proud of myself for taking care of ME. This is HUGE step for me as many of you know. Saying "no" to something I would very much like to do, is NOT my strong suit! (understatement...*blush*) But I did it! I did it! And I'm proud of me (even with the wistfulness)! Hooray for personal growth!

3) My mom is coming down for the weekend starting tomorrow and I'm SO excited to get a few days with her. She's my hot date to go see Elizabeth Gilbert speak tomorrow night. Woohoo! Can not WAIT!

Cafe Americain -- Ned

4) Tonight, I finally get to go to hear Cafe Americain ( and the magical session they run at Cafe Trieste in North Beach. I've been hearing about this wonderful evening for a long time but Wednesday rehearsals have always taken precedence. I"m thrilled to finally get to go. (EDIT) OH! It was SO much fun! Silliness plus great musicianship, plus fabulous company, plus yummy plum tart equals WIN!!!! Thank you Carma, Julie, Michael, Ned & Jason for a wonderful evening!!!!

5) I just found out today that the guy I thought was going to be my manager is now NOT going to be. I could do a happy dance right here at my desk, but my co-workers would look at me very strangely if I did. *grin* Hooray! NO Micro-managing Napoleon as my supervisor! YAY!

6) Random humourous chat exchanges that make me literally laugh aloud rock! :)

7) Knowing that I've put clean sheets on the bed and that I get to crawl into them tonight. YAY!

8) Having an awesome doctor who draws diagrams and pulls out books to explain things.

9) Learning to be mostly okay with my house being a little messy with my mom coming to visit. It isn't crazy messy...and I'm starting to get that she's not going to judge me for it. Growth. We love it!

10) Knowing that I only have one more workday this week. Hooray!

11) Going to bed at a reasonable hour again tonight and believing that I'll actually sleep again! YAY!

Hugs abounding!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Too tired

Tonight I'm too tired to sing the gratitudes in type. Please trust that I'm doing so internally. :)

Also...know that I appreciate you all.

Anni had the brilliant idea that tonight's gratitudes should read as follows:

"I have really f*@king weird friends. And I love them all. I can't tag all of you, so I am tagging none of you. Reader? Consider yourself tagged."

This made me laugh so hard....that I'm going with it.

Good night and much love and thankfulness to and for all of you!

Monday, September 21, 2009

9/21/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #26

2/1/09 -- Alameda Flea

I just found much of this in draft from a month ago. I think I'll just expand and edit it . :) Please forgive poor grammar. I am tired and not paying attention. :)

I guess I've been going a little slower on these than I'd originally anticipated. I also think I'm going to let myself be okay with that. :) Go Me! ;)

Those of you who are close to me know that my life has been more than a bit bumpy this summer. I've been going through a lot of personal struggles that have been pretty consuming and I've been really fighting a sense of hopelessness. I think I'm starting to win the battle! HOORAY! (Please know that I am aware that my worries are petty next to some people's...but they are still the things I have to wake and sleep with so they feel real to me. *wry smile*)

Somehow and blessedly I keep coming back to the serenity prayer over the past few weeks, and the part that says "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can" and those two simple and unwittingly complex lines have been offering me consistently good perspective and sanctuary. The "courage" part of that equation is what keeps escaping me. LOL

So my gratitudes today include:

1) The budding ability to look at the things I can change and to not fixate on the things I can't.

2) Receiving a "more than satisfactory" annual review. No raise attached with budget cuts, but still nice to know that I've done well. :)

3) Pints on Friday with Jen. SUCH a treat! Thank you!!

4) The incredibly touching and kind phone call from Eileen that was her gentle way of nudging me about birthday foo. I'm so touched by the efforts of Eileen, Amy, Carma, & Monique. They have taken it out of my hands and for that I'm deeply grateful! Thank you. Many many thank yous!

5) Friends who are willing to have the tough conversations with you even when it makes you both feel upset and vulnerable. The willingness to say the hard things and to work through it is rarely fun, but I'm so grateful that you were willing to say what you needed to say to me. I am deeply sorry I hurt you. Thank you. Truly. That willingness to communicate through the discomfort makes our friendship stronger, and for that I am forever thankful! I love you very much.

6) Ativan. I use it extremely rarely, but on days like today where I wake up in the middle of a full-blown anxiety attack...and can't shake it no matter how much deep breathing I do...these are the days that make me incredibly thankful that better living through chemistry exists. *laugh* Living in the special kind of limbo I've been in this summer has really affected me adversely. I am Trying (yes with a capital T) to find the strength to make all sorts of shifts. Wish me luck. I think I'm going to need it. I did find part about change on this link to be frighteningly apropos:

7) Sushi for lunch. Yum! Yum! Yum!

8) The amazingly wonderful alumni weekend I got to have and share at the Bar 717 Ranch ( in late August. It was miraculous to be able to "go home" like that and to find a place that like Brigadoon stays the same even when the rest of us change. That place informed a lot of who I am today. Six magical summers were spent there during my teenage years and I'm thankful for every moment of my time there. It was Such a treat to reconnect with Joanna, Kristen, Kit, Janet, Emily, Jennifer, Peggy, & Art. Having my mom up there with me again was also a true delight! She's a wonderful woman is my mom. You should have seen her dancing out there! Wowza! 72 years fabulous!

9) Getting to go horseback riding for the first time since 1988 at said reunion was a wonderful thing too. I'd forgotten just how much I loved it and was heartened to find out how easily it came back to me. Holster was a nice horse! Thank you Holster! :) (Now I need to get back on a motorcycle again too! Hmmmmm..... :) )

10) Dancing. Any form of dancing. I have not done enough of it this year and I'm finding the little bits and pieces of dance I'm getting to do on the weekends to be so incredibly good for my soul. Dance is my meditation. It is the only time my brain shuts up. It is the only time that hamster mind goes into blessed hibernation. I have a passionate love for dance. A healthy respect for it. A delight in it. I revel in it and honor it. I think I am a dancer first, then singer, photographer, actor, etc. I feel my most joyful, my most me when I dance. I feel truly alive. I need to find a way to do more of it. I truly do.

11) Being tired enough at 11 to finally get some sleep at a reasonable hour! HOORAY! Praying for no insomnia tonight!

Much love to all!

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #25 - 9/20/09

2/14/09 -- Wistful

I need to get back into the habit of singing the gratitudes. :) I like me better when I do. I'm just so bad at making them short because once I start writing it seems like the flood of thoughts rush to the surface like an overflowing stream just after the first snow melt. They are powerful and overwhelming and I get swept away by them.

The past couple of months have been so filled with emotional turmoil for me that I've lost sight of the beauty in my life. Insomnia and Depression have been chasing Psyche around with big sticks and I've been too mired in the basement to recall the things that bring me this tangible and re-readable way. *shakes finger at self in a scolding fashion* This is good for me damnit! LOL!

This weekend, I got many reminders of the glorious positives in my world, and here I am at 1:00 a.m. writing instead of sleeping because my too-busy brain won't let me rest. :)

May as well turn the insomnia lemons into gratitude lemonade. *grin*

My gratitudes tonight include:

1) Having SO much fun with Commedia Volante. I appreciate, respect and admire them! I especially appreciate their kindness, humor, brilliance, and support. There is something truly wonderful about a troupe that laughs with AND at you when you have a flying hairpiece moment or a mad, headless chicken brain fart on stage. LOL. Thank you all!

2) Singing with Serenata. The challenges that singing with them afford me musically have been great for my brain and my musicality. I LOVE it! YAY growth!

3) The Newcastle English Country Dancers and getting to dance with all of you again! WHAT a treat and what a joy. Dancing with all of you is an act of finely honed is sharp and sweet and so life-quenching! AND getting to see Michelle again this weekend was one of the highlights of the whole weekend. :)

4) Anni. She is at once my soul sister, one of my best friends, my tmi buddy,my emotional bra, one of my very safest places, my sanity keeper, my darlingk buttlingk, my blurter of random phrases, my llama fanatic and one of my dearest confidantes. Tonight she chatted with me on the phone all the way home from faire and we are continuing our chat on IM even as I type this. What a blessing she is.

5) Interpretive dance with Melissa on Saturday night. :) :) You make one incredibly hot Green Lantern My Dear.

6) Getting to catch up with my beloved Monique on Friday night....hearing her gentle voice talk about her beautiful babies and her life. Also her kindly interest in me and my life, when I know she must be so tired. Our friendship turns 20 this year. I do not know who I'd be without you, Dear One. So thankful to and for you. Next year, we have to take our friendship out and get it drunk. It will be legal then. *grin*

7) Making old friends blush...and the great conversations and shared laughter that come with mutual respect and years of history. Thank you! :)

8) The joy of "recognizing" Colleen. :) Hooray! Thank you!

9) Gaining some clarity over next steps in my life. This is a bitter-sweet form of gratitude, but a gratitude never-the-less.

10) Silly blue wigs are made of win!

11) Talking with Peter at the end of a long Sunday.

Ok...I know there are many more, but I'm finally sleepy so I think it is time for me to go to bed.

Much love to all!
Sweet dreams!

Monday, August 17, 2009

8/17/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #24

No preamble today. Just gratitudes which include:

1) That Vicky was able to quickly recognize the signs of stroke in her wonderful partner Ron Sullivan, and act so swiftly to get him to the hospital. If it had to happen, I'm thankful that it happened in the way and place that it did. Alta Bates is a one of the best places to be if one is going through this. Phew. So glad healing is happening and that all is heading towards recovery. Love you both.

2) It also makes me incredibly thankful for my relatively good health. Incredibly thankful indeed. Things like the above put a lot of other things into shadow and clear perspective simultaneously.

3) Rob is home. For a few days, but he's home. That is a nice thing. Did I mention that things like the above put a lot of other things into shadow and clear perspective simultaneously? I did? Well then...I guess it bears repeating.

4) Figuring a quirky thing out the other day on the way to rehearsal. Preface: I struggle a lot with the concept of beauty as it relates to myself. This is not a fishing expedition...simply a statement of my inner struggle with my appearance and self-perception. BUT I started thinking about the nature of beauty on the way to rehearsal the other night and realized the following: If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, that means that if one person sees you as beautiful, then you're beautiful. Period. End of debate. You cannot deny your beauty because that is to deny someone else their perception. To that someone or someone(s) you are beautiful and no one can take that away. I'm still trying to fully wrap my head around this, but it was an interesting thing to think about. I know it is better still if you can see yourself as beautiful, but sometimes it is these kinds of thoughts along the road of life that get us to that, yes? Anyway, I'm thankful for that thought and how that is allowing me to form my thinking right now. Thought I'd share.

5) Days at work like today where I feel like I spent the day kicking butt and getting things done. Very satisfying. Hooray.

6) Watching generosity in action.

7) Cran-blueberry juice is my new discovery. is tasty.

8) Saving money with club card saving foo. It is strangely pleasing.

9) Kites. Went to the Berkeley Marina to eat our sandwiches after our visit to the hospital on Sunday and spent some time watching (with some of Rob helping) kites being flown. They make a joyful noise and are so colourful and fun. Hooray for kites.

10) Naps on a grassy hill. So fab.

11) No asteroids hit the earth today and I flapped around like a chicken. LOL. Thank you Sally and Matthew for that bit of hilarity in response to my anxiety post today. Laughter really can be the best medicine sometimes.

12) Actually...thanks to everyone for their kindness today in response to said post. I'm very thankful for the kind suggestions, the humor and the gentleness. :) Thank you.

13) The wonderfulness of the "English Originals" cd playing right now. Not only is it a great album populated by fab artists making excellent trad music fun and accessible, but it is also serving the purpose of blocking out the incessant barking of the dog down the street that WILL NOT shut up. LOL. Truly..I'm thankful for the music in and of itself...AND for the respite it is giving me. Phew! Double blessings are nice! :)

14) Reading glasses. I'm finding that I am much happier when I wear them these days. My eyes start to ache pretty quickly when I don't in the past few weeks and you know...I'm glad they exist. I keep forgetting because they aren't habit yet, but dang...what a great tool. Hooray!

15) Lovely time with Stella and Laura and Rob on Saturday evening. What an unanticipated pleasure it was to spend time with you two lovely women! Thank you!

16) I'm re-reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and really appreciating it again. It seems to offer me interesting perspective when I need it. I really resonate with it.

17) Along those lines I want to again share this amazing piece on the nature of genius also by Elizabeth Gilbert's here on

18) I love, love, love this photo that Monique took of Anni, Cybele and I at the Pirate Fest. Thank you Monique!!! :)

I know there is more but I think I'll end there tonight. Hugs to all!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #23 - 8/14/09

I saw the dog above when I went to see Holly & Joshua a couple of months ago at the Live Oak Art Fair. The photo made me laugh so hard when I just glanced through my photos that I simply had to share.

I started this blog at work today with the hope that I'd keep a kind of running tally of things that pleased me. It was a nice way to go about it. And it means that I won't be typing this at 11 tonight when I could be sleeping. :) Hooray for thinking ahead. :)

I'm too tired to be pithy. Too much insomnia this week. So I will simply state that my gratitudes today include:

1) Remembering to open windows before I left the house today so that I hopefully don't come home to an oven again (update: it worked!!! yay!).

2) A wonderful lunch in the sun with Mags! Thank you! Our Friday visits are something I look forward to all week!

3) A lovely chat with Sam. :) Glad you got to dance at lunch today! :)

4) Celery & Crunchy Organic Peanut Butter! Love it so much when they have both on the salad bar and I can enjoy one of my fave childhood treats!

5) Learning to navigate difficult makes things much more pleasant.

6) Sharing laughter over a frustrating situation with another co-worker.

7) Bumping into Heather at lunch! Hope the yoghurt was tasty!

8) Reminding myself that I can only change me. Trying to keep that in the center forefront of my thinking.

9) Podcasts. They're awesome. Thanks again to Laura & Kelly introducing me to the world of the iPod Nano. It is proving extremely useful!

10) Having a washer and dryer in the house is such a nice thing. Hooray for easy laundry.

11) The kindness of the responses to yesterday's gratitude blog. Thank you all. Hugs!

12) Getting a chance to catch up even briefly with Rene today. :)

And now, I'm off to study my scrip and eat some dinner! :) Wheeee!

8/13/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #22

I was reminded today that I need to write these sorts of things no matter how my life feels like it is going. I need to write them because it will keep me reminded that even during hard times there are usually simple things to find to enjoy and appreciate.

I am re-inspired to do this by Anni and by Laura. I am inspired by need too. I need to find my positivity again. I know it exists. :)

So without further ado, today my gratitudes include:

1) Remembering that doing this is good for my soul and my psyche.

2) Anni & Laura for being the living reminders of this process.

3) Lunch and the growing friendship with Jen. Thank you so much for being you.

4) Discovering The Serenity Prayer...and starting to learn to take it to heart a little bit at a time. Here it is the part of it that has really been speaking to me:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time.

The rest of it gets a little to "god-ish" for me, but that seems to resonate for me right now.

5) Deb & Robin for a really fab rehearsal last night. Thank you. I've been humming all day.

6) I'm thankful for the ceiling fan in my bedroom on a night that is this warm. Phew!

7) To Deb for our conversation tonight. Thank you.

8) So glad I watched the movie "Amazing Grace" the other night. So thankful for William Wilburforce. I think I need to read his biography soon.

9) I'm glad I feel sleepy. I hope that means I'll be able to sleep tonight.

10) I love this woman's blog.
Her photography is beautiful, her writing is very real, and I can't wait to see new installments. Teri...thank you so much for turning me onto her site.

Ok...sleep now.
Hooray for Gratitude.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

7/16/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #21

“Nothing’s impossible I have found. For when my chin is on the ground, I pick myself up; dust myself off, start all over again….”

Sometimes song lyrics speak more clearly than I do. Today, I’m hearing Fred Astaire in “Swing Time” in my head, singing the lyrics of Dorothy Fields set to the brilliant music of Jerome Kern. I’m humming along in my soul and I’m trying to take those lyrics to heart.

The past month or so has not been easy for me. During that time I lost my grace, I lost my gratitudes, I lost my sense of humour and through it all I kept feeling lost. The combination of illness, depression, interpersonal problems, a deep sense of loneliness, and generalized stress was too much for my normally resilient nature and I got lost; lost in despair, lost in anger, lost in resentment, lost in self-righteousness….just plain lost. So everyone hum along with me while I sing that I’m going to “pick myself up; dust myself off, start all over again….”

I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon all over the place in the past few weeks – no gratitudes, very little photo taking, no writing, and very little positivity. It is blazingly apparent to me that it is time to hop back on to that wagon seat, tie myself to it, and stay up there for a while on all fronts. Starting with today. One day at a time as the saying goes. One day at a time.

Today my gratitudes include:

1) My thankfulness for being healthy after the nasty flu I had a month ago. I was sick from a Sunday – Saturday and that week or so of flu/cold/cough hellishness has been a reminder of how healthy I generally am and how incredibly thankful I am for that fact. What a gift good health is.

2) I’m particularly thankful to Cat, Peter, Anni, Amy, Chris, Monique, Carma, Eileen, Sara, & Katie. They saw me through a lot of my darkness via IM and phone, and loved me beautifully through it all. They offered perspective and support, let me know when I was off base, and also showed me the places that my feelings were indeed valid, sane, and rational, even when I felt like I was coming unhinged. I don’t know how to thank you all enough, but I do thank you -- deeply and from the entirety of my being.

Witness the Cute!

3) I’m delighted for Chris and Jen. For their engagement and their upcoming marriage. Unabashedly, unreservedly delighted for them both. I love them both so much! Please join me in congratulating them! Hooray!

1/21/09 -- At Chris and Zak's Birthday Fun

4) I’m tickled that I’m going to be Best Man in their wedding. :) My friendship with Chris is one of the great joys in my life. I feel so thankful that we worked so hard to come through the difficulty of our break up in order to come full circle to the incredible strength that always has been our friendship! What an amazing gift! AND I can’t begin to tell you how honoured I am to be his Best Man, and also how tickled I am by how fabulously hilarious and quirky that is. :) I can safely say that I’ve never been Best Man before. And given the number of weddings I’ve been in, the positions I haven’t filled are dwindling. :) Thanks for checking one more off the list CB. *grin*

5) I’m thankful that I still have a job despite the fact that furloughs were just announced at my work. A 5% pay cut in the form of 13 furlough days is coming my way. Ouch. Money is already so tight, but I am thankful that they are doing it this way and trying to avoid layoffs for everyone. Also thankful that I get 13 days off and don’t just have to suck up the pay cut while getting nothing in return for it. Now to find where to cut that money from my budget. *scratches head in consternation* Still…could be much worse.

1/18/09 -- Visiting my folks in Mountain Ranch -- Thanks to Annika for my AWESOME Flying Monkey T-shirt!

6) I love my heart-shaped glasses. They are fun and frivolous and they make people giggle in the street and I like that. Plus I feel good in them which is an added bonus.

7) Just had dinner with Amy. She is so good for my perspective and my soul. Thank you Amy for being so wonderful and rational and loving.

8) Went out to 4th of Juplaya. Had some good times and some hilarious moments. To the Elbow...and beyond! Thanks in particular to Allen and Haley and Rob for our laughter filled night! And to Amy & Bill & Eric for their hospitality and comfy space. :) BTW...I love this mountain.

9) The sign below this made me laugh aloud. :)

This sign made me giggle

10) Visiting with Cybele and Ryan a few weeks ago was great fun and from it came photos like this (and isn't the sexy just overwhelming?):

And the puppy cuteness... oy!

I thought 6 was enough but couldn't stop writing. :) Now, however, I must sleep. Hugs to all!

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Maybe it is time for me to write for me.
Maybe it is time for me to write for others.
Maybe it is time for me to write to free my soul.
Maybe it is time for me to write.

Here I am.

© Tanya Anguita

Friday, June 5, 2009

6/4/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #20 -- Picture Heavy

Hello. Here I am again. *waves*

It has been a whirlwind of a week and I haven’t had two minutes to rub together. During the times last weekend when I did have some time, I was busy having fun with Rob at Disneyland and was NOT interested in sitting at a computer. And you know what? I think I’m good with that.

It was a wonderful weekend and a wonderful trip on many, many levels. It was good for my soul, good for our relationship, and good for perspective. It was just plain good all around. Honestly, I wasn’t ready for it to be done. I’m still not ready for it to be done and I’ve been back since Monday. *wry smile*

Re-entry into “normal” life has been very difficult for me. I realized a lot of things as I mourned the end of our weekend and one of them was that I haven’t had a “just go have fun” vacation in years. I’ve never had a pure “down time” adventure before and I need one. My life is too frenetic not to vacate it once in a while.

And I feel a little bit like I have emotional whiplash because I went from 4 days of full time, focused, fun US time to Rob leaving to go up to his family’s property in Montague. We got back Monday, he left Tuesday. *insert cracking whip noise here* I’ve been reeling a little from it, but I’m glad he’s up there helping out his Grandma. She’s having cataract surgery today. Please send her good thoughts.

So yes, re-entry has been difficult, but it is difficult in good ways because I’m recognizing the need for change in my life, and I’m starting to try to figure out how to make change happen in some areas in my life that really need some positive, self-directed change to be made.

It has been a miracle of a week in so many respects and I have so much to be grateful for. My gratitudes for this week/today include:

1) I’m thankful to Rob for choosing to take me with him on his graduation/birthday gift adventure to Disneyland. His mom told him she was giving him money for his graduation/birthday and that he wasn’t allowed to spend it on anything practical so he decided what he most wanted to do was go to Disneyland with me. And we did. What a gift all around. SO thankful. Here he is on the Dumbo ride:

2) I’m incredibly grateful for the reconnection we got to have while we were there and for the good conversations that have come out of that both there and since we’ve been back. :)

3) We…no…let me be honest… *I* haven’t been good about making focused us time happen because of how busy I always am, and that has been detrimental to our relationship. Having the time to reconnect was so good for me/us. I learned that I need to find more time in my schedule for weekends like this last one -- both for my relationship’s sake, and my sanity’s sake. I’m thankful to be figuring that out and thankful to Rob for patiently waiting for me to figure it out. I love you, Sweet One.

4) I’m strangely thankful to and for Disneyland. It was a really a “magic kingdom” for me this past weekend. I don’t ever see myself turning into a “Disney is my life” person, but I definitely see myself trying to get back there with some reasonable regularity. It was such a treat and so much fun to just be a kid all weekend.

California Adventure was pretty fun too!

5) I’m so lucky. Rob is such a good sport. I bought him a silly mouse ears birthday hat and he wore it ALL DAY on his birthday. Evidence is here:

and here:

6) Playing is good for my soul. Allowing myself to just play and not stress or think about the “have to list” is golden. This is us being silly at Rob's Birthday "Character Breakfast" with Stitch:

7) I’m grateful for the questions I’m asking myself because I hope they’ll help me to grow and change. Somehow this photo seems oddly appropriate, or maybe it is just late...

8) Winnie-the-Pooh in all his guises makes my heart happy. I got to have my picture taken with Pooh and Tigger this weekend. I felt like I was 5 years old. Evidence is here:

My mother read “Winnie-the-Pooh” to me as a child and the scene in the book with the Heffalump is one of the earliest memories I have of my mother and me laughing uproariously together. I’ve read it numerous times since, and I learn something new and endearing every time I read it. I love the book first and foremost, and the classic drawings. They are so sweet and simple. That being said, I also have a fondness for the movie version of Pooh and all of the oddness inherent therein. Hooray for Winnie-the-Pooh! Thank you A.A. Milne!

9) The “Hold Hands, Don’t Exercise” tour that Monique, Eileen, Anni & I took a few years ago. I saw this sign over the weekend and had to take a photo in remembrance of our fabulous time together.

I love you women so very deeply! Thank you all for being in my life! Can you believe that was 5 1/2 years ago?

10) I just this minute finished a huge spreadsheet project at work tracking all of the trainings that were done for a specific program we offer to managers and supervisors. I’m both proud of my work and very glad that it is done!

11) Staff meetings happen every other week at my job and are a total farce. As individuals the people in my dept are great. As a group they are frustrating. Our staff meetings sometimes feel like an adult version of “Lord of the Flies” and it is simply ridiculous. People are so invested in being right that they cease to listen. We just finished our bi-weekly staff meeting. I’m so glad that it is over and that I don’t have another one for two weeks. *giggle*

12) Home now after a quick and lovely dinner with Holly. What a treat. Good conversation and yummy Ramen. Thank you, Holly. :)

13) Spoke with Rob tonight and it seems his Grandma’s surgery went well. YAY!

14) The hilarity of some of the signs one sees around Disneyland. Like this one:

Or this one:

Or um...this

It is time for bed for me. Poor Rob has a flu/cold and sounds awful and I’m fighting a scratchy throat so I think sleep is the plan.

Hope life has been treating you with relative kindness. Hugs abounding!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

5/27/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #19

Today I am cranky. I had disturbing dreams all night, had a frustrating run in with a woman who I work with occasionally, have been chewing on the inside of my mouth in my sleep so I’m in pain and I’m just plain filled with crankitude.

Sounds like the Perfect time to remember what I’m thankful for today, yes? I think so!

So today my gratitudes include:

1) Deep calming breaths. They can really, really help.

2) Peter’s brilliant idea here: not sure where to go from here but think it is a great idea and I fully support anything that will fight H8 mongering!

3) Time spent with good friends. Rob and I went over to Cybele and Ryan’s on Sunday for a bbq and had a marvelous time with them. John & Karen joined in the fun and there was much laughter, swimming in a verycoldpool ™, Cybele’s famous crack-amole (guac so good it is addictive…hence crack-amole), Tonks the wonder puppy and her INCREDIBLE cuteness, a viewing of “Real Genius” and a ton of fun across the board. Rob and I spent the night and in the a.m. we had bacon waffles a la Cybele and hung out until early afternoonish. It was a great, great 24 hours and I’m so thankful to and for that time spent with them.

4) Tonks is one of the cutest, snuggliest, funniest little puppies I’ve ever been blessed to spend time with. She rocks my puppy socks. :)

5) Goat Rock Beach. (photos will be posted from home) I hadn’t been in ages and on a whim on the way home from Cybele & Ryan’s, we decided to drive towards the Coast and ended up going to….brace yourselves for this name….Dickmann’s Deli for sandwiches (no, I’m not kidding) and then going up to Goat Rock Beach to hang out for a couple of hours. It was so wonderful and so fun and exactly what the Tanya ordered. It means I didn’t “Get Things Done ™” but really….the world didn’t stop and I felt so happy and calm that I couldn’t care less.

6) Three day weekends are really wonderful things. They allow enough time to really start to wind down from the week and if you lose a day to a migraine you still have two left to have fun with. :)

7) Finding ways to develop good habits. In addition to taking photos most every day, writing these as often as possible and walking the two miles home from work most days, I’m trying to find a good way to make myself drink more water. I’m generally terrible at hydrating and I know that isn’t good for me on so many health levels that it isn’t even funny. My current game plan involves carrying a 48 oz thermosy thing with a splash of juice at the bottom and the rest filled with water. Yesterday I drank the whole thing and then more in the evening. That little splash of juice in the bottom gives enough flavour that I actually want to drink it without adding tons of sugary calories. It seems to be doing the trick. We’ll see. Today I’m moving a little more slowly with it, but I think it might be what I need to get it done. I like the act of trying to develop good habits though. It feels like I’m trying to take care of myself. Wish me luck.

8) Having lunch on workdays with Rob. We got to have lunch together yesterday and it was such a treat. It made my whole day more pleasant and joyful.

9) When I am in a cranky mood, I need to find a funny photo of myself and post makes me giggle and keeps me humble all at the same time. How can I be cranky with a turkey on my head? This photo makes me giggle every time I look at it. Peter took this photo. As a matter of fact many of my favorite silly photos of me come from Peter. Thank you, Peter.

10) Sometimes I enjoy mindless work. I like the satisfaction that slogging through a stack of it and knowing that I’m done with it brings. Mostly the being done with it brings me joy, but sometimes the mindlessness is nice too. *drool*

11) The ubiquitous work glove. One of the janitors leaves his work bucket outside of the restrooms with some regularity. He almost always leaves a work glove on the handle of the mop-wringer as well. There is something about the glove, and the glove’s varied hand positions, that makes me giggle most days.

2/3/09 -- The Ubiquitous Glove

12) Writing this at work in between other projects has been a great way to keep me focused on the positive and it guarantees that I won’t be writing it at midnight tonight. Maybe I can try to do this more often on days when work isn’t overwhelming. I like that idea. :)

13) Anni and I just came up with a new memoir title and it makes me giggle so I’m sharing… “Hook, Line & Stinker”… *grin*

14) Anni and I also established that are each other’s emotional bras. The comfortable kind of bra with only occasionally pokey underwires. *hee* This makes me giggle in so many ways. YAY Anni!

15) Bubble wrap is fun. Always has been…probably always will be to me. I’ve been putting certificate sin frames wrapped in bubble wrap. I have to keep myself from popping it all. *grin* This is not as fun as real bubble wrap, but I like that it exists:

16) Photos from Monique, John, Michelle, Robert, Drake, Layla & the Twins! family trip to Kauai. I keep looking at them and grinning. So glad you’re all having fun!

17) I find this fascinating and like the “we can fix this over time” thinking in it

18) Knowing when to quit. *grin*

I’ve written so much today that *I’m* almost overwhelmed by it all. I feel much happier now. YAY!
Photos will have to come when I’m home as I don’t have them on this computer at work.

Hugs to you all and Happy Wednesday!