All photos and content © Tanya Anguita.

Friday, May 28, 2010

under a full moon sky

under a full moon sky

silver starred night
a moon bright with promise
a bowlful of laughter
and you

she'll be full soon --
burgeoning with possibility,
and weaving secret stories
of maidens and madmen
stolen kisses
and silent wishes.

we cannot go wrong,
you and i,
when there is this gift
in the skies
guiding us to true discourse
and each other

lean back.
howl bright
at the Spring moon
so rich and fecund
in the vernal sky.

she'll have you thinking
there is magic at midnight
as we draw down the moon,
blanket ourselves in her radiance,
and wrap each other
in the fervent fascination
that comes with chemistry
and minds that meet and match.

I would not trade
these months
for anything,
nor that first conversation
under an
Autumn full moon sky.

© Tanya Anguita

© Tanya Anguita (04/03/10)

Feeling Marginal

Photography makes my heart happy. This post serves as a gentle nudge to myself to do more of it.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

If a blogger blogs in the woods and no one is there to read it, is it still blogging?

If a blogger blogs in the woods and no one is there to read it, is it still blogging?

when the writing won't come
write anyway.

when the writing won't come
write any way.

ANY way.

Any WAY.

Here I am writing...because I know there are words trying to get out and I have to put them somewhere. I can feel them pounding on the locked doors inside my head and heart...trying, trying, trying to get out.

I started this blog exactly 11 months ago yesterday and promptly did a lot of nothing with it.

See? Below there is a lot of Nothing! Ta-da! [UPDATE as of 10/11/10: I have gone back and filled in all of the writing I was doing elsewhere, but trust me, I'd done absolutely nothing with this writing space...Heh! ]

Silence has its place, I'll grant you, but not here! Silence here is beyond useless. A silent blog does nothing and it does it pointlessly. (Which may be some sort of Zen statement come to think of it, but that wasn't my intent.) It sits there in the ether with nothing to say and no one to say it. It waits impatiently for typing to happen and words to appear. It lurks, it lingers, it lacks and it longs. Poor lonely blog. How I have forsaken you. :)

when the writing won't come
write anyway.

when the writing won't come
write any way.

ANY way.

Any WAY.

Here I am. Writing anyway.

Oh...and here's a photo I took. Apropos of nothing.

© Tanya Anguita

Friday, May 21, 2010

3 a.m. -- 5/21/10

It's 3 in the morning and I'm so damned tired
My wit and my wonder have nearly expired
I cannot find sleep yet, though my eyes are burning
Instead I am writing of my constant yearning
I'm lost here in reverie, instead of in dreams
Compelled to write this, or at least so it seems
If my brain would quiet, instead of roaring
I could be in Nod now, and possibly snoring.

(I don't remember writing this on the 21st, but apparently I did. Hahahahah)

© Tanya Anguita

Monday, May 10, 2010


Want creeps up on me
at the witching hour
when there is no one there to
attend to her.

Limitless and lost,
her's is an ardent desire
that consumes
each waking breath.
She is voracious
and she will not sleep.

I did not bid her visit me tonight.
She arose,
out of ache and appetence,
loneliness and loss,
tease and unrest;
A surprise visitor
in the restless
storm tossed night.

When I arch to meet her
she backs away and laughs at me,
one beckoning finger crooked
and a beguiling smile on her
never satiated face.
She is rapacious
and devoid of any kindness
on nights like this.
There is no softness to her
and no relief.

Where do I place this need?
How do I gentle this hurt?
And what do I do with Want
when she won't be vanquished?

(c)Tanya Anguita (5/10/10)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Before the World Wakes

Before the world wakes
There is a gentle silence
That cradles me in its arms;
A blessed now
that embraces me.
In that quiet darkness
I find the light of my soul
and tell it that all will be well
in the end.


Before the world wakes
there is a peaceful solitude.
that blankets me in dreamlike thoughts;
a graceful oneness
that brings me to myself.
In that morning twilight
I listen to my gentle heart
as it travels to the shores
of compassion
and gently sings
my fears to sleep.


Before the world wakes
There is a weighted stillness
that cloaks me in its warmth;
A gracious clarity
that carries me to truth.
In that pre-dawn duskiness
I am everything and nothing.
Beauty and desire
live within me
as I journey
to the solace of your arms
and am reminded, once again,
that, near or far,
love exists.

(c) Tanya Anguita (5/7/10)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Rose or... A (not so) brief treatise on love...

Friday while in the midst of my ( the hell do you L.A. people do it) drive to Redlands for Justen & Beth's wedding, the song "The Rose" came on the radio. It was 4 in the afternoon, and there was Bette Midler singing her song from the early 80s. My first reaction was to kind of roll my eyes and go to change the station; instead I got caught up in memories.

I recalled loving that song so much that I HAD to learn it. I remembered the feeling of singing it as a teenager at Vespers at camp. I reminisced about singing it while walking the 3 miles to Carma's house in Wilseyville. I celebrated singing it as a form of catharsis in the stairwell in the dorms with my voice reverberating off those cement walls that first year at SFSU . And so I listened to it, really listened to it as a form of honoring those memories.

What surprised me, what I was completely blown away by, was how powerful the lyrics really are.

Written by Amanda McBroom, it is a brief treatise on love. It is a reminder in song that no matter what happens, there is always the seed of love within all of us waiting to blossom. It really got me thinking.

Given some of the dialogue I have been having of late, I was particularly struck by the 2nd verse.

This....right here:

It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live

I have had, and continue to have, pretty remarkable conversations with various people about love and the nature of love. Given its universality, it is a topic that comes up repeatedly, in many guises and in many different ways. What I'm hearing from these wonderful, infinitely lovable people, is that it seems that allowing oneself to love and be loved can be a pretty terrifying thing for a lot of folks. That allowing ourselves to trust and to love is not something that comes easily. That relaxing into love isn't something many people do comfortably.

I am finding that I know amazing people who shut out love! I am learning that there are people who avoid it, fear it, and run from it. Hearing from people who theorize about love, talk about it, speculate about it, fantasize about it, but do not know how to, or allow themselves to, experience it. Listening to people who want love, who need it, deserve it, and ultimately shun it. Watching people who refuse to embrace, accept, welcome, and live love.

To me? This...THIS is the great tragedy in life! Love exists and is out there for all of us. It is exists in so many ways and in so many forms. I find it heart-rending to think that anyone would choose not to welcome love into their life.

We all deserve love, People, but we have to be willing to let it in! All forms of love...we deserve to say yes to romantic love, true love, love from friends, familial love, and love of self. All of it. We are all worthy of and all deserve to love and be loved.

In my admittedly less than sage opinion, I think the choice not to allow love into one's life boils down to fear. There is the great monster-in-your-closet fear of getting hurt or getting hurt again. There is fear of letting go, fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of letting someone in, fear of being shut out, fear of losing someone, fear of finding someone who mirrors your heart, fear of intimacy, fear of having to face your fears. There is the disheartening fear of being let down. And the bravery-necessary-to-overcome fear of having to let go, give in, relax, and celebrate. There is the I-might-have-to-act-like an-adult fear of responsibility to yourself and to another. And of course, the often-twinned fears of failure and of success.

I think that fear of losing yourself and fear of finding yourself often vie for the same space in our brains. We don't always know what to do with self-discovery anymore than we know how to deal with loss of self.

What it all boils down to though is that with fear in place, we never fully realize that love helps us to define ourselves, to create ourselves and to become our truest most realized selves. (On a slightly off note, have you ever noticed that the only thing that separates Our from Your is a Why?...yeah...I think too much.)

Fear of love is self-defeating. Fear of opening up to someone else gets you nowhere but lonely. Loneliness has value, but in small measures, not as a way of life.

Love and fear never walk hand in hand. Love walks with grace. Fear stumbles.

Someone recently told me to be careful with my heart. Be careful with my heart? I've never understood what that means. How can one be careful with one's heart...with one's love? How can I possibly be careful with my heart while simultaneously being open to love? I don't want to be careful..I want to love...completely and absolutely and with all of me. How can I do that, truly do that, with caution as a watch word?

When I love, I choose to do so openly or not at all...I know the risks...I take them any way. I choose love over all else. I wear my heart on my face and in my eyes. Love is written on my body, and tattooed into my skin in invisible ink. I am love and I choose love.

Where I can be and am careful, is with other people's hearts. With other people's feelings. I believe that as good people and conscientious souls, we all have a responsibility to be careful with other people's hearts. Kindness, awareness, gentleness, communication, respect and caring are all important when interacting with other people's feelings. We are duty bound not to hurt others if we can help it. We are obligated to pay attention and we are only able to live with ourselves in a state of grace if we are not irresponsible with another's heart. Using someone else to bolster ourselves is never an acceptable past time. If we are aware of another person's feelings for us then we are never to take advantage of those feelings for our own gain. We have a responsibility to that person because they've entrusted us with the incredible gift of their feelings. Integrity does not allow the kind of behavior that fosters those feelings if they're not reciprocated.

To love openly is to is an exercise in trust in another, and in ourselves. It requires trust of the highest magnitude. It is tantamount to sitting with your beating heart in your hand and entrusting someone else to hold it for you. But my goodness...isn't the risk worth it?!

I believe, with all of me, that love is what you do because love is all there is. Love does not have conditions. Why bother to live and love any other way but openly and with complete trust?

I think William Arthur Ward says it best in this poem. He says:

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk to failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

The pessimist complains about the wind;
The optimist expects it to change;
And the realist adjusts the sails.

Thank you William Arthur Ward! Thank you!

I mean really, have you ever felt better or had less pain when someone hurt you because prior to said hurt you held some of you back? Does it ache less because you hid behind rationalized thoughts and locked yourself into a little fortress of sanctified fear? Are you less wounded because you can say "I told you I might get hurt"? I'm suspecting that the answer to all of those questions is probably "no", so why do we do it?

Love puts us through our paces that is for sure. It makes us look at who and how we are. It shows us our best and our worst Selves. It authorizes us to face our demons and walks us barefoot over the coals. It sets our soul on fire and inspires greatness.

Love shows us our flaws and our strengths in a way few things do. It inspires us to be better people and we don't always have the energy to improve. It can bring out the worst in us and not many want to willingly face that. It makes us aware of our behaviors and our patterns and it forces us to really look at them and at ourselves. It causes us to look at them and figure out whether they truly serve us. That is what makes it so beautiful and so necessary. Love helps us to grow.

If you live in fear of loss or heartbreak or rejection, then you often miss out on the love that is right in front of you. You don't take the risk necessary to embrace the love standing there before you. If you don't risk then you never really get to experience love in its complete form. If you don't risk, the person who loses is you.

Yes, loss of love, heartbreak, rejection, and things of that nature hurt like unholy hell. The pain therein is excruciating and yet, to my mind you still have to love with all of you. I still love with all of me. Love doesn't disappear because I've been wronged or hurt. I'm just thankful that I got to open my heart and love. Love doesn't dissipate so easily. Heartbreak doesn't break love. Love doesn't suddenly disappear. Heartbreak is painful, yes, and the person who is feeling it often has to step back in order to heal. We might have to make the choice to shift the way we love the object of our affection, but it doesn't make the love go away.

If I love or have loved you, I have always and will always wish you happiness. I wish you true contentment. I wish you health and joy and ....yes…I wish you love. I wish you the ability to accept it and the ability to give it in return. If I have loved you, I will always love you...the form that love takes may shift, but I will always love you.

Loving someone, in my experience, can not be conditioned on their loving me in return. I love them because I love them because I love them. This is not predicated on some offering of reciprocation. We all have hopes and wishes, but we cannot expect someone to care for us just because we do them. If we have expectations and that is what defines our love for someone, is that truly love?

Every time I love, I'm just thankful that I get the chance to love. I live in a state of gratitude that I get to feel and express and live that miracle of a feeling. I may hope for, but I do not expect anything in return.

This song says it so perfectly:
Lyrics here:

Sometimes love goes dormant for a sleeps…it goes to seed as it that it can blossom again...and become a new and beautiful rose. For that blossoming, for that quiet time, for that delicate balanced healing, I'm truly grateful. Love is a blessing always and in all ways. Never take that for granted and never forget. Love is a blessing always and in all ways.

© Tanya Anguita 5/5/10

The Rose

Song here:

Lyrics here:

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower
And you, its only seed

It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed
That with the sun's love, in the spring
Becomes the rose

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Muse Breathes

Thoughts are put to paper
when the Muse breathes
through my hands,
and leaps bravely
across my barriers
into the sunlight of the day.

She is a wrangler of words
Chasing them down the plains of my soul
as they,
run before her
like so many bison
through the tall grasses of my mind.

She is a word dancer
A language choreographer
Lithely swaying to the music of my desires.
She feels the rhythm in my heart,
matches it with her own
and teaches my words
to move across the page
with grace and beauty.

She is a word-spinner;
A weaver of things written.
She finds the weft and wab of
just pronouncement
and runs the shuttle through
the tender parts of my mind.
She creates
order from disorder
beauty from chaos.
She is an artist creating a cloth
that is greater than
the sum of our parts.

She is a word archer
Pulling back arrows of clarity
and sending them
pointed and dangerous
across the skies of the divine
where they hit the bullseye
of the ego and pierce
the skin of my fears.

She is a warrior woman
bare breasted and powerful
waiting, Amazonian, to strike
at my bullshit
and hit my anxieties
with the contents of her golden quiver.

© Tanya Anguita