All photos and content © Tanya Anguita.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Light licks the water gently
causing it to
shiver and purr
in the late afternoon sunlight.

I find solace and succor here;
Stillness and solitude.

Here, on the pier,
the Sun
kisses me a fiery good night
and I find myself
on my toes,
face raised,
back arched,
and straining
to meet it's ardor.

The remaining rays caress my skin
with the gentleness
of an affectionate sweetheart
on a cool autumn night,
and my beating heart slows and settles
into the comfort of that warming touch.

© Tanya Anguita

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate The Positive #31 -- 10/23/09

I actually wrote this Friday night (hence the date) but somehow never posted. lol.

Singing the gratitudes tonight....

When sleep won't come and I need to still my mind, the gratitudes always bring me home. I think tonight's will be in a more narrative form than bear with me...

It has been a rich and difficult and beautiful and complex and exciting and growth-filled couple of months. I am learning my own strengths and enjoying being me in a way that I'm not sure I have since childhood.

I feel good. I feel strong. I feel like I may have finally gotten some things that friends have been trying to tell me about me for a long, long time now. Things about my worth and value, about who I am both from the inside and as seen from the outside and about my sense of self. I like what I'm finding out. I like who I am. I'm making wiser choices, and learning about what I do and don't need and want in my life. I'm taking better care of my soul. I feel more centered and more ME than I have maybe ever.

And the best bit? I like me. It is kind of great. And about time.

Yes, there are things to work on. Yes, there are things to shift/change/grow into/away from...but over all...I'm liking the person I wake up to every morning in that foggy bathroom mirror. And it is such a relief. :)

Those of you who have known me for a long time are probably either slapping hands to foreheads, or doing a dance of "about fucking time", and I thank you for not giving up on me and my mental hamsters all these years. I can't promise that the little bastards won't occasionally come back to rear their ugly little hamstery heads again....but I can promise to be swifter to silence them, and more gracious in the accepting of compliments. I will really listen to your kind words and better take them to heart. Because? Because I'm finally getting that I deserve it...and also...that the kind things you say to me....are your truth...and therefore are truth...I can't deny anyone else their belief of me....and sometimes it would be wise for me to embrace a little of that kindness for myself...and here I am...doing that...and I thank you for showing me how to be kinder to myself. It has really helped.

Ta-da! Proof positive that growth happens, Ladies & Gentlemen!

And truly? Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

With deepest Love and Gratitude!
Me. :)

Thursday, October 22, 2009


I'm hungry.
I can't sleep tonight.
And what I want, isn't on a menu,
So don't send me to the pantry to seek my satisfaction.

I crave taste, touch and teeth sinking into flesh.
I long to savor, sup on and sigh with it.
I wish for flavor, fervor and fire.
I want vigor and voracity,
appetence and ache,
tenderness and truth.

There is no tomorrow...
only now...
this moment...
this instant in time...
and I wish to consume it...
to swallow it whole...

I'm famished for
warmth under my tongue,
the heady scent of midnight,
the comfort of easy touch.

I'm hungry.
I can't sleep tonight.
And what I want, isn't on a menu....

© Tanya Anguita

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I am very happy just being me....

My mother sent me a care package while I was ill that came in the mail today. (It was the sweetest gesture and made my heart happy. Hooray for my awesome mommy!)

In it, she put a copy of a school newspaper from when I was in 7th grade...complete with poems I'd written at the age of 12. I was struck by these lines at the end of one of them:

I am very happy as I am, you see
And I hope you are happy with you.
I am very happy just being me
And you should be happy you're you!

It has taken me just about all of the last 28 years to come back to that place. I'm so glad to be home. :)

Love abounding!

Monday, October 19, 2009

With a yes...

I said a prayer
to the rain soaked clouds
And they answered
with a yes,
and a yes,
and a mighty YES!

©Tanya Anguita

Thursday, October 15, 2009

One Laughs Me By

Reflections of whispered dreams
come back to me
on the afternoon breeze.

Confidences in the dark,
shared between lust-drunk kisses,
and the heady heat of limb touching limb.
Tongues weave tales of fever and ferment,
And I'm looking for the mirror to my soul.

Standing here on the sunset pier,
I reach up to pluck Echoes out of the autumn air,
Arched forward,
As one laughs me by.

© Tanya Anguita

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Still dark night

In the dream, the wind is shaking my tree and I feel my leaves coming loose.
I am bent by the elements until my muscles ache from the strain.
My heart pounds with the swift cadence of the storm-heavy raindrops on the sidewalk.
I seem to be seeking the still point tonight. The eye in my personal storm.

Startled in the midnight air, I waken to the sound of my own voice mid-gasp.
I am disoriented....excited....aware....alone....

Desire can be an ardently glorious bitch sometimes. When she dons her finest gown woven with the images of twining limbs and hands tangled in hair... her scent that of warm skin, salt and smoke....and her adornments the echos of sinews straining, hearts beating as one and the lingering sounds that a lover makes in the still dark night, that is when I love her, I hate her and I'm left wanting.

I was not prepared for this onslaught tonight. I thought I'd managed to tamp Desire down, like a campfire on a cool October night, only to be raised again when I put flame to tinder, but She will not be denied. She is not so easily tamed. Her flames lick at me, teasingly....demanding recognition. She is relentless, and I don't know where to turn.

©Tanya Anguita

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Light drawn to light.

From the center of my spirit I shine.
Light drawn to light.
I am awash in the glow and thankful for the brilliance.

© Tanya Anguita

I love the song that the rain sang on my roof all night.

I love the song that the rain sang on my roof all night.

It makes me want to sing along....
to share a sultry duet in the early morning light.

I want to stand beneath the downpour, skin to rain to skin and feel it wash my soul clean.
To feel the water embrace me, caress me, cover me, cleanse me.
To wash my body and spirit in the newness of it ...until I'm one with it.

I raise my face to the sky and
give thanks for the heavy wetness
moving across my eyelids,
down my cheeks,
into my waiting mouth.

I feel the cold drops nipping at my neck,
sinking their sharp teeth into me,
and I shiver.

I want the urgency of this autumn storm to meet mine
and then to release me.

I love the song that the rain sang on my roof all night.

© Tanya Anguita

Thursday, October 8, 2009

10/08/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #30

So much to be thankful for. So so much. I took the photo above at Stafford several years ago and it just seems to be the right one to head off to night's gratitudes. :)

When I'm ill like this I'm reminded of how thankful I am for my general good health. Today, I need to remind myself of it again because this is really sucking raw and rotten eggs. I've just reached the "no longer a trooper" phase of this illness and I want it to be f-ing done! Colourful...I know. *blush*

Perfect time to remind myself of the things I'm thankful for, yes?

My birthday weekend was truly a miracle of love and planning and kindness and generosity and amazingness. I am overwhelmed by it and moved by it and humbled by it and deeply and truly thankful for it. I so deeply enjoyed being a part of it and reveled in every minute of it. :)

I am one of the luckiest women in the world and I am so blessed to know every single one of you. I do not take that for granted...ever.

So today I sing the gratitudes as follows:

1) I am one of the luckiest women in the world and I am so blessed to know every single one of you. I do not take that for granted...ever.

2) My birthday weekend was truly a miracle of love and planning and kindness and generosity and amazingness. I am overwhelmed by it and moved by it and humbled by it and deeply and truly thankful for it. I so deeply enjoyed being a part of it and reveled in every minute of it. :)

3) That I am finally 40. Not sitting on that evil self-inflicted precipice of "almost 40" with all of the dragons and demons of what I haven't accomplished "by 40" sitting at the bottom taunting me. It seems silly but the " 9" years...really seem to do a number on me. Once I finally reach the 0 years...I seem better equipped to deal. Which isn't to say that I'm not still grappling with a lot of major life just means that I'm not adding the stress of having to do it by 3 days ago to the mix. Hooray for being 40. Hooray!

4) Eileen, Amy, Carma, Monique, Katie, Cybele & Jen -- THANK YOU!!!! Thank you for taking my birthday out of my hands and giving me such a miraculous weekend. Thank you for loving me so much and for showing me so clearly that I am loved. Thank you. *tears* Thank you.

5) My family. Thank you all so much for coming to celebrate with me. I love the photo above that Carma took of us. So fun! Thank you. Just...thank you. Conrad (my step-dad/father figure) coming was one of the biggest and best surprises ever. I was totally blown away. See my glee below. *grin*

6) Everyone who made it out for whatever part of the weekend the wonderful folks in #3 invited you to. It was such a blessing to see all of you and such a blessing to have the process taken out of my hands. If you weren't invited, I'm sorry, it was an oversight born of being taken care of by friends. :)

7) Amazing conversation and company under a brilliant Harvest Moon. Thank you Colleen and Elliot. That conversation will carry me and my soul for a while. It made me feel vital and alive and excited and limitless. Thank you.

8) My generally good health. I try not to take it for granted. On days like this when I've had a flu beating me mind, body and spirit for 4 days....I'm really reminded of how lucky I am most days of the year. Most days I get to feel okay. Most days I get to be comfortable in my skin. I'm so lucky!

9) For the brilliant story-telling and sharing that came out of my Missing Blackpoint note. Thank you all for sharing your memories and stories too. I'm so moved by your openness and your ability and willingness to play with me. Thank you.

10) For co-workers who are kind...and who sent me home today when they heard me coughing, coughing, coughing at work.

11) Tess...for encouraging me to get a ukelele, and for John at 5th String who helped me to pick one out. She's an Ohana Ukelele and her name is Lilo...she told me. :) I like her. And can already play a song...not well...but I can play a song!!!

12) Amy & Stephi for coming to be with me on Tuesday despite my illness. For loving me gently through my tears and for head pets and hand massages and laughter and the incredible warmth and light of your friendship. Thank you.

13) Leftover Thai food means no cooking when I'm sick. Oh thank goodness for that.

14) Flannel jammies and bunny slippers and a soft fuzzy blue robes. Comforting and curative...I swear it.

15) Baths.....I don't take them often enough because the bathtub in this cottage is ridiculously huge and I feel drought guilt when I fill it, but I decided that my body deserved some love tonight and I am so glad that I chose to love it. (Not in *that* way....get yer minds out of my bathtub! *wink*) I love being in water. SARK says "When Children Are Cranky, Put Them In Water"...I think the same goes for me. It soothes me, calms me, relaxes me, centers me. I feel cradled in it and embraced by it. So good. Yummmmmm.

16) Katie....thank you for popsicles and juice and soup and conversation at a distance. Dance well and joyfully tonight. Know that you're in my heart.


Ok....I'm just prattling in fevered delirium now. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

Much love and gratitude to and for you all!

Enjoying Casa

I think my note yesterday made me further appreciate how much I'm enjoying doing the Faire right now.

I'm enjoying the magic of Casa so much. There is something about the light streaming through the trees in the late afternoon that warms my heart like few things have in a long time. It is great, majestic, slippery, subtle and stunning light and I am embracing it anew. I'm finding new friends, new space for me, new magic to be created, new memories forming...and I'm having more fun than I have in years.

Performing with Commedia Volante and Serenata and the stories and laughter we share in between show times. I feel so privileged to be a part of this group. So blessed.

Singing with Blame It On Eve...and the teenaged girls at our show on Sunday who giggled at all of our silly jokes.

Manly Men Shows, Seadogs singing, and dancing with Newcastle. Oh the Joy of dancing with Newcastle again.

Sitting at the Coughing Sheep, having a pint and sharing more of that magical elixir: Laughter while watching the world go by. Listening to Bruno play music behind me....and feeling like I'm settling into a new home...a new place of comfort and community.

Losing my hair onstage on opening weekend, and losing my lines on 2nd weekend. Carlos and later Elliot wearing my fall, hair flowers in Michael's beard and hair....oh the rich and fulfilling. I love the ache of side-splitting laughter.

Old friends I've just met, new friends I'm still meeting, and old friends I get to reconnect with.

There are new places to explore, new stories to be created, and it is so easy to be here because of the familiarity of it all, even admidst the newness.

I love this place. I love the people in it. Thank you for welcoming me so richly and so warmly into the heart of this Faire. I feel embraced and I embrace you back. :)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Missing Blackpoint

For some reason, I find myself missing Blackpoint today. Especially my last couple of years there.

The smell of bay leaves and oak trees. Meandering or running up the high road. The light in the late afternoon as the sun started to greet the horizon and that mystical blue black at twilight with a gentle breeze singing through the leaves.

I miss Shanachie and sharing a backstage with Albion and the laughter and friendships and relationships that came out of that magical time. The inside jokes, the dress up parties, the laughter....did I mention the laughter? Oh the brilliant, side-splitting, endless laughter.

I miss dancing like that...even in 15 pounds of wool on a hot day....and knowing that we were bringing joy to a crowd of friends and strangers. I was so proud of being a part of that show. So very proud.

Puddledance and our Sidhe names. Our kiddie pool and Sidhe kibbles. Our Wizard of Oz show and the hilarity attached to that including Cindy's wonderful laughter. :)

I miss rapping the Sidhe Song in the Red Barn and the speed at which we were expected to dance that night.

Even becoming one with the tree backstage has a poignancy to it...and a I sobbed and apologized at the same time to the poor EMT who wasn't quite sure whether to comfort me or laugh at me. And then there was the child the following week that told someone to tell "the pretty lady who sang, that her make up was running" because my black eye from said tree experience was evident from the audience. Oy.

I miss the Birds of Prey show before us and the hilarity of Mark cleaning up after Lady Margaret that one amazing day when he couldn't find a towel. Thank you Mark. :)

Bruno below stage crawling out like mice from every conceivable exit...and them graciously agreeing to imbibe another time...thank you Gentlemen. Chris McIlroy's amazing photos...

I miss going to tease Sound & Fury -- gingerbread men, churros, carving cucumbers with our teeth, bananas -- and the look of hilarious surprise and oh-jesus-what-are-these-girls-going-to-do-now of it. My mother joining us for the gingerbread men...and the glee we all got out of that. Shelby's gift and the funny of that.

I miss Eileen (Durasidhe) dancing on the table at the front of the Inn, and singing there with George. I miss the night of "Queen of the World" and of the disco party Monique and I happened upon. I miss quiet conversations at Innyard stage and swing dancing with Joe there too. I miss climbing up into the trees at night and singing to the moon.

I miss showers with Jessie and all of the laughter we shared out there on those crazy Autumn nights. I miss reading children's books to each other and the cozy puppy piles fully of comfortable affection.

I miss singing in Robin's booth with Robin & Doreen. Street sets with Newcastle when I could make them.

I miss "sleeping" in the street and Monique and I being "Town Criers" together. My pet butterfly "Fang", Hannah's fake hair, gigging with the Scot's boys, learning to country dance on stage with Kevin & Jason, Red Tail Morris, Dancing in to the Faire with Newcastle, Sodomize A Lark and the Hemaphrodite pictures in the "contract" that I presented to Himself when I was in St. Pats. Hogties (you must kiss everyone of us or one of us like you mean and so much flirting. So, so much flirting. I miss the Well, and the Court. I miss Queen's Show...and the size of the Parades. I miss cooking eggs on the stage and running through the Maze at night...giggling all the while. I miss the parties and the night life. I miss camping on Cardiac and camping in the parking lot.

And Mullah's. I always miss Mullah's and the sense of going home that settling in there at any hour of the day brought. Iced chai with lots of honey during the day. Hot chai with lots of honey at 3 in the morning. :) And for the brave and strong of heart, Turkish Coffee. :)

I miss Witches' Wood and the End of the World. I miss Pig's Cott and Front Gate. Horse Tourney and Irish Camp. I miss the big swing and riding on the Moon. Caravansery stage and visions of Reduced Shakespeare from years ago with Adam climbing that danged tree as Juliet. I miss crawling up into the windows of Innyard and taking in the passers by.

I miss friends absent and a place that once was.