All photos and content © Tanya Anguita.

Monday, September 21, 2009

9/21/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #26

2/1/09 -- Alameda Flea

I just found much of this in draft from a month ago. I think I'll just expand and edit it . :) Please forgive poor grammar. I am tired and not paying attention. :)

I guess I've been going a little slower on these than I'd originally anticipated. I also think I'm going to let myself be okay with that. :) Go Me! ;)

Those of you who are close to me know that my life has been more than a bit bumpy this summer. I've been going through a lot of personal struggles that have been pretty consuming and I've been really fighting a sense of hopelessness. I think I'm starting to win the battle! HOORAY! (Please know that I am aware that my worries are petty next to some people's...but they are still the things I have to wake and sleep with so they feel real to me. *wry smile*)

Somehow and blessedly I keep coming back to the serenity prayer over the past few weeks, and the part that says "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can" and those two simple and unwittingly complex lines have been offering me consistently good perspective and sanctuary. The "courage" part of that equation is what keeps escaping me. LOL

So my gratitudes today include:

1) The budding ability to look at the things I can change and to not fixate on the things I can't.

2) Receiving a "more than satisfactory" annual review. No raise attached with budget cuts, but still nice to know that I've done well. :)

3) Pints on Friday with Jen. SUCH a treat! Thank you!!

4) The incredibly touching and kind phone call from Eileen that was her gentle way of nudging me about birthday foo. I'm so touched by the efforts of Eileen, Amy, Carma, & Monique. They have taken it out of my hands and for that I'm deeply grateful! Thank you. Many many thank yous!

5) Friends who are willing to have the tough conversations with you even when it makes you both feel upset and vulnerable. The willingness to say the hard things and to work through it is rarely fun, but I'm so grateful that you were willing to say what you needed to say to me. I am deeply sorry I hurt you. Thank you. Truly. That willingness to communicate through the discomfort makes our friendship stronger, and for that I am forever thankful! I love you very much.

6) Ativan. I use it extremely rarely, but on days like today where I wake up in the middle of a full-blown anxiety attack...and can't shake it no matter how much deep breathing I do...these are the days that make me incredibly thankful that better living through chemistry exists. *laugh* Living in the special kind of limbo I've been in this summer has really affected me adversely. I am Trying (yes with a capital T) to find the strength to make all sorts of shifts. Wish me luck. I think I'm going to need it. I did find part about change on this link to be frighteningly apropos:

7) Sushi for lunch. Yum! Yum! Yum!

8) The amazingly wonderful alumni weekend I got to have and share at the Bar 717 Ranch ( in late August. It was miraculous to be able to "go home" like that and to find a place that like Brigadoon stays the same even when the rest of us change. That place informed a lot of who I am today. Six magical summers were spent there during my teenage years and I'm thankful for every moment of my time there. It was Such a treat to reconnect with Joanna, Kristen, Kit, Janet, Emily, Jennifer, Peggy, & Art. Having my mom up there with me again was also a true delight! She's a wonderful woman is my mom. You should have seen her dancing out there! Wowza! 72 years fabulous!

9) Getting to go horseback riding for the first time since 1988 at said reunion was a wonderful thing too. I'd forgotten just how much I loved it and was heartened to find out how easily it came back to me. Holster was a nice horse! Thank you Holster! :) (Now I need to get back on a motorcycle again too! Hmmmmm..... :) )

10) Dancing. Any form of dancing. I have not done enough of it this year and I'm finding the little bits and pieces of dance I'm getting to do on the weekends to be so incredibly good for my soul. Dance is my meditation. It is the only time my brain shuts up. It is the only time that hamster mind goes into blessed hibernation. I have a passionate love for dance. A healthy respect for it. A delight in it. I revel in it and honor it. I think I am a dancer first, then singer, photographer, actor, etc. I feel my most joyful, my most me when I dance. I feel truly alive. I need to find a way to do more of it. I truly do.

11) Being tired enough at 11 to finally get some sleep at a reasonable hour! HOORAY! Praying for no insomnia tonight!

Much love to all!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.