Another Chance to get it Right

Full Moon has me up again
When I should be asleep;
All the doubtful, hateful thoughts
Into my psyche creep.
In Motherhood's clear mirror
Is a harsh and cruel reflection,
Filled with unkind, fearful thoughts

And glaring imperfection.
Black Dog wanders close to me
Pressed up against my leg.
Artemis's darker side
Takes me down a peg.
She used to make me brazen, warm;
To magnify my boldness.
I know Her fullness better now,
I'm Sister to Her coldness.
Instead of strength and fearlessness,
I'm wracked with doubt and worry.
Wound tighter than an 8 day clock,
I'm always in a hurry.
I feel like I am over-strung,
A bow that's pulled too tight.
The Lady Moon just magnifies
All that isn't right.
I've lost my way this moonlit night
So aimlessly I roam
I wander, fearful, in the dark
I can't find my way home.
I love Her still and gaze on Her
With Unrequited love,
While hoping that She'll send a
Fleeting smile from above.
Or grant me Grace where I have none --
A gesture made of kindness.
Her glacial glow a soothing balm -
A light to cure my Blindness.
I'd like to lay these frightful thoughts
Forever on a shelf;
To see in the Moon's Glory
The kindest version of my Self.
I want to see her Harvest-Strength -
She's Maiden, Mother, Crone -
To find in Her a brighter, truer
Image of my Own.
So here I am, Her supplicant,
Bathing in her light,
Naked in my honesty,
A wingless bird in flight.
Writing out this crazy prayer
Under a cloudless sky
While learning how to glide and dip -
If not exactly fly.
As long as I don't hit the ground
In blazing, flaming glory,
I have the chance to daily write
A new part of my story.
So maybe that's the lesson
On this Moonful, thoughtful night -
That every minute is
Another Chance to get it Right.
Thank you Lovely Luna
For the lessons that you teach,
Even on the harsher nights
When you feel out of reach.
I think that I'll repeat myself
Because it soothes my soul:
Every minute is another chance
To make One whole.
I think that that's my lesson
On this Moonful, Thoughtful Night -
That Every minute is
Another Chance to get it Right.

(c) Tanya Anguita
9/8/2014

Black Dog

Black Dog
is
gnawing at my soul tonight.
Can't get out
from under the weight
of its heavy jaw
which is wrapped
around the tender confines
of my weary heart.

I am out of resources,
out of joy,
and at a loss
for where to find them.

The Ol' Red Shoes
are dancing me
relentlessly around the room
these days
to a never-ending loop
of the Song of Despair
while my heart
bleeds out
through my raw soul
on a glass-strewn dance floor
in a hostile bar
called "Life."

I'm drowning on land,
choking on dirt and earthly matter(s)
Swallowing my filthy pride
in gulps of rubble and grime.

Oh how I'd like to sink into the mire,
settle into the loam below,
and stop fighting
the "good" fight.

Every gesture
(in the attempt to keep afloat)
feels like
Futility,
cloaked in
"Why?"
in a never-ending trek
towards
Failure.

I have nothing left
to offer
and I'm too tired
to care.

I used to think that
Joy
was my due.

I thought that
Happiness
was something
I would always find.

I believed that
Love
was boundless;
that
Delight
was not fleeting.

But
Exhaustion
is replete,
Anger
eats away at me,
Impatience and Resentment
are poisoning my thoughts,
and my actions.

My account at the
Give a Fuck Bank
is almost empty...
save for the few pennies
rattling around
in the rusty bottom
of the worn tin can
of loving care
that
I'm rabidly guarding
to share with
the beautiful child
it is my job
and my blessing
to raise.

It feels like not enough tonight
and I'm scared.

(c) Tanya Anguita
June 20, 2014

Smoke-scented Midnight

Smoke-scented midnight

steals my sleep.

I long for Nothing

but the stillness

that will not come tonight.

Full Moon Glorious --

Pumpkin orange as it rose --

I taste Magic

in the night sky.

Distant memories

of ancient selves...

vie for precedence

in the now.

Which "me" is Me?

A shimmer in the

Spirit Veil...

A shiver on the breeze.

I’ve forgotten how to write;

How to “use my words”

And in so many ways

It just doesn’t matter.

And in so many ways

It Does.

Which "me" is Me?

Sleep-deprived,

I’m sometimes lonely

for my other Selves;

For those pieces of me

lying dormant;

For the comfy jeans feel of

the Personal Identifiers

I’m accustomed to

But cannot find.

An owl in the darkness

Asks me “Who?”

In moon-twisted reverie,

My silence is his answer.

Smoke-scented midnight

steals my sleep.

I long for Nothing

but the stillness

that will not come tonight.

Full Moon Glorious --

I taste Magic

in the night sky...

(c) Tanya Anguita

10/19/2013

Swallows Me Whole

The moon wakes my soul
She swallows me whole
And now
She
Will not let me sleep!
The sphere in the sky
With a clear seeing eye
Laughs
When I try to count sheep.
She knows my heart
She tears it apart
Then She
Puts it together again.
This early morn
I'm being reborn
In the ebb
Of her bright wax
And wane.

-- Tanya Anguita

Unknown Futures

Blue moon
pregnant with portent,
mysterious in the late summer sky,
giving birth to unknown futures
and untold changes,

You are my hope and my promise tonight.

Thank you
for offering illumation
through the darkness
of my uncertain thoughts
and
light
on the path
to brighter tomorrows.


Beloved Blue Moon,
I know we won't see you for a while
So
I'd like to sign that 3 year contract with you now.

You know...
The one that offers
grace and gratitude,
solace and strength,
joy and fortitude.

The one that allows one
to embrace
Belief
in
one's self.

The one with 
the ability and agility
to do
whatever needs to be done.

When you appear again
we can re-negotiate our agreement,
but I suspect
that I will simply take
my soul in hand
and sign on the dotted line
while giving gracious thanks
for your
glorious return.

Blue moon
pregnant with portent,
mysterious in the late summer sky,
giving birth to unknown futures
and untold changes,

You are my hope and my promise tonight.

© Tanya Anguita

Out of Nowhere

Sometimes
the missing of you is the
sum of what I have left
Even after all this time
Even when silence
has been your watchword
for what feels like eons.

It comes at the strangest times
This longing for you
This ache in the emptiness
of where you used to be

And logically
I know that it is better this way
But somehow
My heart hasn't yet caught up
with my head
And I'm left breathless
from the sudden
overwhelming thump
of the wave of missing you
that comes,
inappropriately,
painfully,
unbidden,
out of nowhere.

© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #69 (heh...I said 69) -- February 7 and March 7, 2012

February 7, 2012
Getting pneumonia is incredibly humbling.  Recovering from pneumonia is equally humbling.  It has been a little over a month since I got sick, and while I no longer have the cough or fever, I still get tired by doing simple things like going for a walk, or staying up past 9:30 p.m.  It is very hard to explain the kind of tired one gets to anyone who hasn't had it themselves.  To say that I want nothing more than to sleep all the time is an understatement.  For those who know me, this will make it clearer -- I've did nothing social for the better part of a month.  I went home, ate dinner and was in bed by 9 and was STILL wiped out.  Every day I woke up hoping that "today will be the day I feel like my normal energetic self again."  It was...special.  I mean to tell you.  And, as mentioned, incredibly humbling.  I am back to 90%.  I'm thankful for that and it makes me have a greater empathy for those who struggle with this sort of exhaustion/discomfort on a daily basis due to chronic illness or pain.  I am truly in awe. 


So here I am.  It is February 7 and I haven't written anything since the beginning of December.  As a matter of fact, I've been pretty quiet since about September and I am realizing that I feel saner and more fulfilled when I write more often so I think I'm going to make a goal of writing something (good, bad or indifferent) at least once a week for this coming year.  Maybe it will be a week's worth of positives, maybe it will be something else. I'll just see where it takes me.

And because I don't like to post writings without images, I guess that means I'll have to take at least one decent photo a week this year too...which means I need to start carrying my camera with me again and making the time for editing said photos.

Hmmm...I think I like how this is shaping up.  Planning for creativity and catharsis.  It sounds so healthy. Perhaps I'll try it. *wink*

I find myself re-framing my perceived failures this afternoon. I've been feeling stuck in several places in my life and I am trying to find my way out of the maze I've created in my mind. I'm starting to take steps though...and I'm finding that things I thought of as failures are really just flagstones on this walk called life.  I needed to stand on them to get my footing so that I can get to the next place.

The flagstones I'm just stepping onto include taking every career counseling workshop I can get my hands on at work, and starting the apartment hunt in earnest (complete with creepy old curmudgeonly Chinese man who checked me out, asked if my mother "married another Gringo", told me he was an equal opportunity hater, and told me not to ask him to bring me toilet paper. I kid you not.)  Also...I'm looking at joining the gym here at UC and seeing if I can start some regular exercise again after several months of inactivity.  Please cross fingers for me.  I need to get in shape to feel healthy and good in my skin.

So without further babbling, tonight I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Re-framing my thoughts to healthy ones.

2) Being in the 90% of my healing process.

3) Amazing Saturdays.  Spent the day doing a Blue & Gold Fleet Scenic Bay Tour with Katie, Michael and Chuck which included a sorbet stop at Ben and Jerry's, a ride on the Pier 39 Carousel, much laughter and an amazing dinner at Scoma's.  Such a fantastic, beautiful, perfect day.  With weather sent by the kindness gods. Yum!

=============
March 7, 2012

A month has gone by and I am realizing that I still haven't been writing, or doing much in the way of anything creative this winter.  I'm plodding along but not feeling in touch with my creative self and mostly that has been ok...but I kind of miss that part of me...that me.  The one who is compelled to write, to take photos, to dance, to sing...the one who needs to be doing those things to feel alive.  I'm not depressed.  In fact, in a lot of ways I'm quite content these days...and maybe that is it right there.  I haven't created a practice of creativity in my life.  My writing, etc., has thus far been fueled by deep emotion or a NEED to get it out instead forming some sort of a habit for happy creativity.  Hmmm.... at any rate...I miss it.  So here I am.  Recognizing it as a first step...and once I'm settled in a new home I *will* write weekly and photograph regularly.

I do have to say that recognizing that I can't do everything at once has been a huge step in the right direction for me.  Househunting has been the main priority.  Today I also started taking the stairs every hour at work again.  I've done it 4 times today.  My legs are sore which is a measure of how out of shape I actually am.  I also calendared myself for cancan rehearsals again.  At the very least I can go and stretch, right?  Not now..but in about a month when I'm all settled.  And stair walking as a break feels good and useful.

So yes...today I sing my gratitudes for

4) Honoring the recognition of setting simple priorities and not over-committing so that I can focus.

5) Taking the necessary step to do SOMETHING healthy -- those stairs are good.

6) www.livestrong.com is a godsend for tracking my caloric intake so that even though I've been inactive, I haven't put on much weight in the past 4 months.  I'm proud of myself for that.  There is something about writing down everything one eats that keeps me honest. :)

7) The fact that Katie & Michael's Baby Party went well thanks to the amazing Sabra and to all of their friends.  They had fun, everyone had fun, and it was a happy, fun, mellow, playful success.

8) I'm going to take an off-camera flash photography workshop in San Francisco tonight.  I'm nervous and excited.

9) Recognizing truths about people one loves and finally getting that I have to change my actions and responses in order to better serve them and me.

10) Affection, respect, consistent touch and healthy communication.  Nuff said.

11) The blessing that is my continued friendships.  I never ever take my friends for granted. Ever. Thank you for being in my world.  Yes. You.

Always a good reminder. ;)