All photos and content © Tanya Anguita.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A Ship Called Memory

cast adrift
on a turbulent sea of thought

gasping for air
as waves of emotion
over the bow
of this ship
called Memory.

it is a dark and stormy night
on this ocean of recollection,
and i am,
once again,
lost in a squall
of reminiscence and regret;
falling overboard into the sea of sorrows;
drowning in the now-ancient ghosts
of loves ruinous and unrequited.

shall i

swim for the shore,
or let the raging waters
pull me under?

fight the seductive current,
or go, like a brave sailor,
to my fate?

if i

relinquish choice,
i will breath in the salty ache
that will lead me to my destruction

if i

release free will,
the cold words
that dragged me down
towards my not-so-swift demise
will rise up again to consume me

if i

accept as mine
the actions of another,
that left my ego bleeding
alongside the rocky shore of my now-torn sensuality,
i will never recover from them.

in the
all-encompassing ocean
of hurts unshared,

i pray...

for silence
for salvation

listening, listening,
as i drown in remembrance,
for the siren song
of the words i
most wished
to hear
all those pain-filled months ago.

there is a weighty silence
in answer to my prayer
as i sink
into the anguish
that comes from the past
yet seems to be
all around me.

i flail,
reaching out

for my equilibrium,
for my faith,
for the return of a
world turned upright again.

-- dark and winsome --
winds itself seductively around my heart,
as resignation attempts to attach itself
to my fight-weary psyche.

my lungs,
filled with the stale air
of unsaid truths,
threaten to burst.

i hit bottom.

there is no light.

all is silent.

in the waiting stillness,
a small clear voice
sings truth;
weaving a safety net
with the sureness of its
gentle veracity.

"true love," it hums

"will not weigh you down,
or cut your soul to ribbons."

"true love," it croons,

"love that is
healthy, honest, and open,
is no anchor.
it would never drag you with it
into the deep!"

"true love," it reminds me,

"love that sustains, supports, communicates,
and is given freely,
is buoyant and beautiful!"

"true love" it sings with clarity,
"is a lifeboat,
waiting to take you on board."

reveling in that verity,
i kick against the hurt,
fight the sorrows,
refuse the plate of bitterness
in the overwhelming darkness
at the bottom of this muddied ocean.

Up, up, up
I swim,
towards truth and confidence,
towards honesty and kindness,
past the snaggle-toothed sea-monsters
named fear and doubt,
past the bleeding creatures from the deep
named insecurity-bred-of-cruelty and defeat.

I break the surface of my tattered ego
to breathe once again
the soothing air
of strength,
of beauty,
of grace,
of Self.

the sky,
the cool wind
in my sun-warmed hair,
and the lifeboat
that i now carry with me always
in my gentle, gracious heart.

© Tanya Anguita

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