Too tired

Tonight I'm too tired to sing the gratitudes in type. Please trust that I'm doing so internally. :)

Also...know that I appreciate you all.

Anni had the brilliant idea that tonight's gratitudes should read as follows:

"I have really f*@king weird friends. And I love them all. I can't tag all of you, so I am tagging none of you. Reader? Consider yourself tagged."

This made me laugh so hard....that I'm going with it.

Good night and much love and thankfulness to and for all of you!
:)
T

9/21/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #26

2/1/09 -- Alameda Flea

I just found much of this in draft from a month ago. I think I'll just expand and edit it . :) Please forgive poor grammar. I am tired and not paying attention. :)

I guess I've been going a little slower on these than I'd originally anticipated. I also think I'm going to let myself be okay with that. :) Go Me! ;)

Those of you who are close to me know that my life has been more than a bit bumpy this summer. I've been going through a lot of personal struggles that have been pretty consuming and I've been really fighting a sense of hopelessness. I think I'm starting to win the battle! HOORAY! (Please know that I am aware that my worries are petty next to some people's...but they are still the things I have to wake and sleep with so they feel real to me. *wry smile*)

Somehow and blessedly I keep coming back to the serenity prayer over the past few weeks, and the part that says "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can" and those two simple and unwittingly complex lines have been offering me consistently good perspective and sanctuary. The "courage" part of that equation is what keeps escaping me. LOL

So my gratitudes today include:

1) The budding ability to look at the things I can change and to not fixate on the things I can't.

2) Receiving a "more than satisfactory" annual review. No raise attached with budget cuts, but still nice to know that I've done well. :)

3) Pints on Friday with Jen. SUCH a treat! Thank you!!

4) The incredibly touching and kind phone call from Eileen that was her gentle way of nudging me about birthday foo. I'm so touched by the efforts of Eileen, Amy, Carma, & Monique. They have taken it out of my hands and for that I'm deeply grateful! Thank you. Many many thank yous!

5) Friends who are willing to have the tough conversations with you even when it makes you both feel upset and vulnerable. The willingness to say the hard things and to work through it is rarely fun, but I'm so grateful that you were willing to say what you needed to say to me. I am deeply sorry I hurt you. Thank you. Truly. That willingness to communicate through the discomfort makes our friendship stronger, and for that I am forever thankful! I love you very much.

6) Ativan. I use it extremely rarely, but on days like today where I wake up in the middle of a full-blown anxiety attack...and can't shake it no matter how much deep breathing I do...these are the days that make me incredibly thankful that better living through chemistry exists. *laugh* Living in the special kind of limbo I've been in this summer has really affected me adversely. I am Trying (yes with a capital T) to find the strength to make all sorts of shifts. Wish me luck. I think I'm going to need it. I did find part about change on this link to be frighteningly apropos: http://www.michaellutin.com/dailyfix.htm

7) Sushi for lunch. Yum! Yum! Yum!

8) The amazingly wonderful alumni weekend I got to have and share at the Bar 717 Ranch (www.bar717.com) in late August. It was miraculous to be able to "go home" like that and to find a place that like Brigadoon stays the same even when the rest of us change. That place informed a lot of who I am today. Six magical summers were spent there during my teenage years and I'm thankful for every moment of my time there. It was Such a treat to reconnect with Joanna, Kristen, Kit, Janet, Emily, Jennifer, Peggy, & Art. Having my mom up there with me again was also a true delight! She's a wonderful woman is my mom. You should have seen her dancing out there! Wowza! 72 years fabulous!

9) Getting to go horseback riding for the first time since 1988 at said reunion was a wonderful thing too. I'd forgotten just how much I loved it and was heartened to find out how easily it came back to me. Holster was a nice horse! Thank you Holster! :) (Now I need to get back on a motorcycle again too! Hmmmmm..... :) )

10) Dancing. Any form of dancing. I have not done enough of it this year and I'm finding the little bits and pieces of dance I'm getting to do on the weekends to be so incredibly good for my soul. Dance is my meditation. It is the only time my brain shuts up. It is the only time that hamster mind goes into blessed hibernation. I have a passionate love for dance. A healthy respect for it. A delight in it. I revel in it and honor it. I think I am a dancer first, then singer, photographer, actor, etc. I feel my most joyful, my most me when I dance. I feel truly alive. I need to find a way to do more of it. I truly do.

11) Being tired enough at 11 to finally get some sleep at a reasonable hour! HOORAY! Praying for no insomnia tonight!

Much love to all!
Tanya

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #25 - 9/20/09

2/14/09 -- Wistful

I need to get back into the habit of singing the gratitudes. :) I like me better when I do. I'm just so bad at making them short because once I start writing it seems like the flood of thoughts rush to the surface like an overflowing stream just after the first snow melt. They are powerful and overwhelming and I get swept away by them.

The past couple of months have been so filled with emotional turmoil for me that I've lost sight of the beauty in my life. Insomnia and Depression have been chasing Psyche around with big sticks and I've been too mired in the basement to recall the things that bring me joy..in this tangible and re-readable way. *shakes finger at self in a scolding fashion* This is good for me damnit! LOL!

This weekend, I got many reminders of the glorious positives in my world, and here I am at 1:00 a.m. writing instead of sleeping because my too-busy brain won't let me rest. :)

May as well turn the insomnia lemons into gratitude lemonade. *grin*

My gratitudes tonight include:

1) Having SO much fun with Commedia Volante. I appreciate, respect and admire them! I especially appreciate their kindness, humor, brilliance, and support. There is something truly wonderful about a troupe that laughs with AND at you when you have a flying hairpiece moment or a mad, headless chicken brain fart on stage. LOL. Thank you all!

2) Singing with Serenata. The challenges that singing with them afford me musically have been great for my brain and my musicality. I LOVE it! YAY growth!

3) The Newcastle English Country Dancers and getting to dance with all of you again! WHAT a treat and what a joy. Dancing with all of you is an act of finely honed joy...it is sharp and sweet and so life-quenching! AND getting to see Michelle again this weekend was one of the highlights of the whole weekend. :)

4) Anni. She is at once my soul sister, one of my best friends, my tmi buddy,my emotional bra, one of my very safest places, my sanity keeper, my darlingk buttlingk, my blurter of random phrases, my llama fanatic and one of my dearest confidantes. Tonight she chatted with me on the phone all the way home from faire and we are continuing our chat on IM even as I type this. What a blessing she is.

5) Interpretive dance with Melissa on Saturday night. :) :) You make one incredibly hot Green Lantern My Dear.

6) Getting to catch up with my beloved Monique on Friday night....hearing her gentle voice talk about her beautiful babies and her life. Also her kindly interest in me and my life, when I know she must be so tired. Our friendship turns 20 this year. I do not know who I'd be without you, Dear One. So thankful to and for you. Next year, we have to take our friendship out and get it drunk. It will be legal then. *grin*

7) Making old friends blush...and the great conversations and shared laughter that come with mutual respect and years of history. Thank you! :)

8) The joy of "recognizing" Colleen. :) Hooray! Thank you!

9) Gaining some clarity over next steps in my life. This is a bitter-sweet form of gratitude, but a gratitude never-the-less.

10) Silly blue wigs are made of win!

11) Talking with Peter at the end of a long Sunday.

Ok...I know there are many more, but I'm finally sleepy so I think it is time for me to go to bed.

Much love to all!
Sweet dreams!
Tanya

8/17/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #24

No preamble today. Just gratitudes which include:

1) That Vicky was able to quickly recognize the signs of stroke in her wonderful partner Ron Sullivan, and act so swiftly to get him to the hospital. If it had to happen, I'm thankful that it happened in the way and place that it did. Alta Bates is a one of the best places to be if one is going through this. Phew. So glad healing is happening and that all is heading towards recovery. Love you both.

2) It also makes me incredibly thankful for my relatively good health. Incredibly thankful indeed. Things like the above put a lot of other things into shadow and clear perspective simultaneously.

3) Rob is home. For a few days, but he's home. That is a nice thing. Did I mention that things like the above put a lot of other things into shadow and clear perspective simultaneously? I did? Well then...I guess it bears repeating.

4) Figuring a quirky thing out the other day on the way to rehearsal. Preface: I struggle a lot with the concept of beauty as it relates to myself. This is not a fishing expedition...simply a statement of my inner struggle with my appearance and self-perception. BUT I started thinking about the nature of beauty on the way to rehearsal the other night and realized the following: If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, that means that if one person sees you as beautiful, then you're beautiful. Period. End of debate. You cannot deny your beauty because that is to deny someone else their perception. To that someone or someone(s) you are beautiful and no one can take that away. I'm still trying to fully wrap my head around this, but it was an interesting thing to think about. I know it is better still if you can see yourself as beautiful, but sometimes it is these kinds of thoughts along the road of life that get us to that, yes? Anyway, I'm thankful for that thought and how that is allowing me to form my thinking right now. Thought I'd share.

5) Days at work like today where I feel like I spent the day kicking butt and getting things done. Very satisfying. Hooray.

6) Watching generosity in action.

7) Cran-blueberry juice is my new discovery. OMG...it is tasty.

8) Saving money with club card saving foo. It is strangely pleasing.

9) Kites. Went to the Berkeley Marina to eat our sandwiches after our visit to the hospital on Sunday and spent some time watching (with some of Rob helping) kites being flown. They make a joyful noise and are so colourful and fun. Hooray for kites.

10) Naps on a grassy hill. So fab.

11) No asteroids hit the earth today and I flapped around like a chicken. LOL. Thank you Sally and Matthew for that bit of hilarity in response to my anxiety post today. Laughter really can be the best medicine sometimes.

12) Actually...thanks to everyone for their kindness today in response to said post. I'm very thankful for the kind suggestions, the humor and the gentleness. :) Thank you.

13) The wonderfulness of the "English Originals" cd playing right now. Not only is it a great album populated by fab artists making excellent trad music fun and accessible, but it is also serving the purpose of blocking out the incessant barking of the dog down the street that WILL NOT shut up. LOL. Truly..I'm thankful for the music in and of itself...AND for the respite it is giving me. Phew! Double blessings are nice! :)

14) Reading glasses. I'm finding that I am much happier when I wear them these days. My eyes start to ache pretty quickly when I don't in the past few weeks and you know...I'm glad they exist. I keep forgetting because they aren't habit yet, but dang...what a great tool. Hooray!

15) Lovely time with Stella and Laura and Rob on Saturday evening. What an unanticipated pleasure it was to spend time with you two lovely women! Thank you!

16) I'm re-reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and really appreciating it again. It seems to offer me interesting perspective when I need it. I really resonate with it.

17) Along those lines I want to again share this amazing piece on the nature of genius also by Elizabeth Gilbert's here on Ted.com: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

18) I love, love, love this photo that Monique took of Anni, Cybele and I at the Pirate Fest. Thank you Monique!!! :)

I know there is more but I think I'll end there tonight. Hugs to all!

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #23 - 8/14/09

I saw the dog above when I went to see Holly & Joshua a couple of months ago at the Live Oak Art Fair. The photo made me laugh so hard when I just glanced through my photos that I simply had to share.

I started this blog at work today with the hope that I'd keep a kind of running tally of things that pleased me. It was a nice way to go about it. And it means that I won't be typing this at 11 tonight when I could be sleeping. :) Hooray for thinking ahead. :)

I'm too tired to be pithy. Too much insomnia this week. So I will simply state that my gratitudes today include:

1) Remembering to open windows before I left the house today so that I hopefully don't come home to an oven again (update: it worked!!! yay!).

2) A wonderful lunch in the sun with Mags! Thank you! Our Friday visits are something I look forward to all week!

3) A lovely chat with Sam. :) Glad you got to dance at lunch today! :)

4) Celery & Crunchy Organic Peanut Butter! Love it so much when they have both on the salad bar and I can enjoy one of my fave childhood treats!

5) Learning to navigate difficult co-workers....it makes things much more pleasant.

6) Sharing laughter over a frustrating situation with another co-worker.

7) Bumping into Heather at lunch! Hope the yoghurt was tasty!

8) Reminding myself that I can only change me. Trying to keep that in the center forefront of my thinking.

9) Podcasts. They're awesome. Thanks again to Laura & Kelly introducing me to the world of the iPod Nano. It is proving extremely useful!

10) Having a washer and dryer in the house is such a nice thing. Hooray for easy laundry.

11) The kindness of the responses to yesterday's gratitude blog. Thank you all. Hugs!

12) Getting a chance to catch up even briefly with Rene today. :)

And now, I'm off to study my scrip and eat some dinner! :) Wheeee!

8/13/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #22

I was reminded today that I need to write these sorts of things no matter how my life feels like it is going. I need to write them because it will keep me reminded that even during hard times there are usually simple things to find to enjoy and appreciate.

I am re-inspired to do this by Anni and by Laura. I am inspired by need too. I need to find my positivity again. I know it exists. :)

So without further ado, today my gratitudes include:

1) Remembering that doing this is good for my soul and my psyche.

2) Anni & Laura for being the living reminders of this process.

3) Lunch and the growing friendship with Jen. Thank you so much for being you.

4) Discovering The Serenity Prayer...and starting to learn to take it to heart a little bit at a time. Here it is the part of it that has really been speaking to me:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time.

The rest of it gets a little to "god-ish" for me, but that bit...it seems to resonate for me right now.

5) Deb & Robin for a really fab rehearsal last night. Thank you. I've been humming all day.

6) I'm thankful for the ceiling fan in my bedroom on a night that is this warm. Phew!

7) To Deb for our conversation tonight. Thank you.

8) So glad I watched the movie "Amazing Grace" the other night. So thankful for William Wilburforce. I think I need to read his biography soon.

9) I'm glad I feel sleepy. I hope that means I'll be able to sleep tonight.

10) I love this woman's blog. http://karenrussell.typepad.com/
Her photography is beautiful, her writing is very real, and I can't wait to see new installments. Teri...thank you so much for turning me onto her site.

Ok...sleep now.
Hooray for Gratitude.

7/16/09 – Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #21

“Nothing’s impossible I have found. For when my chin is on the ground, I pick myself up; dust myself off, start all over again….”

Sometimes song lyrics speak more clearly than I do. Today, I’m hearing Fred Astaire in “Swing Time” in my head, singing the lyrics of Dorothy Fields set to the brilliant music of Jerome Kern. I’m humming along in my soul and I’m trying to take those lyrics to heart.

The past month or so has not been easy for me. During that time I lost my grace, I lost my gratitudes, I lost my sense of humour and through it all I kept feeling lost. The combination of illness, depression, interpersonal problems, a deep sense of loneliness, and generalized stress was too much for my normally resilient nature and I got lost; lost in despair, lost in anger, lost in resentment, lost in self-righteousness….just plain lost. So everyone hum along with me while I sing that I’m going to “pick myself up; dust myself off, start all over again….”

I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon all over the place in the past few weeks – no gratitudes, very little photo taking, no writing, and very little positivity. It is blazingly apparent to me that it is time to hop back on to that wagon seat, tie myself to it, and stay up there for a while on all fronts. Starting with today. One day at a time as the saying goes. One day at a time.

Today my gratitudes include:

1) My thankfulness for being healthy after the nasty flu I had a month ago. I was sick from a Sunday – Saturday and that week or so of flu/cold/cough hellishness has been a reminder of how healthy I generally am and how incredibly thankful I am for that fact. What a gift good health is.

2) I’m particularly thankful to Cat, Peter, Anni, Amy, Chris, Monique, Carma, Eileen, Sara, & Katie. They saw me through a lot of my darkness via IM and phone, and loved me beautifully through it all. They offered perspective and support, let me know when I was off base, and also showed me the places that my feelings were indeed valid, sane, and rational, even when I felt like I was coming unhinged. I don’t know how to thank you all enough, but I do thank you -- deeply and from the entirety of my being.

Witness the Cute!

3) I’m delighted for Chris and Jen. For their engagement and their upcoming marriage. Unabashedly, unreservedly delighted for them both. I love them both so much! Please join me in congratulating them! Hooray!

1/21/09 -- At Chris and Zak's Birthday Fun

4) I’m tickled that I’m going to be Best Man in their wedding. :) My friendship with Chris is one of the great joys in my life. I feel so thankful that we worked so hard to come through the difficulty of our break up in order to come full circle to the incredible strength that always has been our friendship! What an amazing gift! AND I can’t begin to tell you how honoured I am to be his Best Man, and also how tickled I am by how fabulously hilarious and quirky that is. :) I can safely say that I’ve never been Best Man before. And given the number of weddings I’ve been in, the positions I haven’t filled are dwindling. :) Thanks for checking one more off the list CB. *grin*

5) I’m thankful that I still have a job despite the fact that furloughs were just announced at my work. A 5% pay cut in the form of 13 furlough days is coming my way. Ouch. Money is already so tight, but I am thankful that they are doing it this way and trying to avoid layoffs for everyone. Also thankful that I get 13 days off and don’t just have to suck up the pay cut while getting nothing in return for it. Now to find where to cut that money from my budget. *scratches head in consternation* Still…could be much worse.

1/18/09 -- Visiting my folks in Mountain Ranch -- Thanks to Annika for my AWESOME Flying Monkey T-shirt!

6) I love my heart-shaped glasses. They are fun and frivolous and they make people giggle in the street and I like that. Plus I feel good in them which is an added bonus.

7) Just had dinner with Amy. She is so good for my perspective and my soul. Thank you Amy for being so wonderful and rational and loving.

8) Went out to 4th of Juplaya. Had some good times and some hilarious moments. To the Elbow...and beyond! Thanks in particular to Allen and Haley and Rob for our laughter filled night! And to Amy & Bill & Eric for their hospitality and comfy space. :) BTW...I love this mountain.

9) The sign below this made me laugh aloud. :)

This sign made me giggle

10) Visiting with Cybele and Ryan a few weeks ago was great fun and from it came photos like this (and isn't the sexy just overwhelming?):

And the puppy cuteness... oy!

I thought 6 was enough but couldn't stop writing. :) Now, however, I must sleep. Hugs to all!