Smoke-scented Midnight

Smoke-scented midnight

steals my sleep.

I long for Nothing

but the stillness

that will not come tonight.

Full Moon Glorious --

Pumpkin orange as it rose --

I taste Magic

in the night sky.

Distant memories

of ancient selves...

vie for precedence

in the now.

Which "me" is Me?

A shimmer in the

Spirit Veil...

A shiver on the breeze.

I’ve forgotten how to write;

How to “use my words”

And in so many ways

It just doesn’t matter.

And in so many ways

It Does.

Which "me" is Me?

Sleep-deprived,

I’m sometimes lonely

for my other Selves;

For those pieces of me

lying dormant;

For the comfy jeans feel of

the Personal Identifiers

I’m accustomed to

But cannot find.

An owl in the darkness

Asks me “Who?”

In moon-twisted reverie,

My silence is his answer.

Smoke-scented midnight

steals my sleep.

I long for Nothing

but the stillness

that will not come tonight.

Full Moon Glorious --

I taste Magic

in the night sky...

(c) Tanya Anguita

10/19/2013

Swallows Me Whole

The moon wakes my soul
She swallows me whole
And now
She
Will not let me sleep!
The sphere in the sky
With a clear seeing eye
Laughs
When I try to count sheep.
She knows my heart
She tears it apart
Then She
Puts it together again.
This early morn
I'm being reborn
In the ebb
Of her bright wax
And wane.

-- Tanya Anguita

Unknown Futures

Blue moon
pregnant with portent,
mysterious in the late summer sky,
giving birth to unknown futures
and untold changes,

You are my hope and my promise tonight.

Thank you
for offering illumation
through the darkness
of my uncertain thoughts
and
light
on the path
to brighter tomorrows.


Beloved Blue Moon,
I know we won't see you for a while
So
I'd like to sign that 3 year contract with you now.

You know...
The one that offers
grace and gratitude,
solace and strength,
joy and fortitude.

The one that allows one
to embrace
Belief
in
one's self.

The one with 
the ability and agility
to do
whatever needs to be done.

When you appear again
we can re-negotiate our agreement,
but I suspect
that I will simply take
my soul in hand
and sign on the dotted line
while giving gracious thanks
for your
glorious return.

Blue moon
pregnant with portent,
mysterious in the late summer sky,
giving birth to unknown futures
and untold changes,

You are my hope and my promise tonight.

© Tanya Anguita

Out of Nowhere

Sometimes
the missing of you is the
sum of what I have left
Even after all this time
Even when silence
has been your watchword
for what feels like eons.

It comes at the strangest times
This longing for you
This ache in the emptiness
of where you used to be

And logically
I know that it is better this way
But somehow
My heart hasn't yet caught up
with my head
And I'm left breathless
from the sudden
overwhelming thump
of the wave of missing you
that comes,
inappropriately,
painfully,
unbidden,
out of nowhere.

© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #69 (heh...I said 69) -- February 7 and March 7, 2012

February 7, 2012
Getting pneumonia is incredibly humbling.  Recovering from pneumonia is equally humbling.  It has been a little over a month since I got sick, and while I no longer have the cough or fever, I still get tired by doing simple things like going for a walk, or staying up past 9:30 p.m.  It is very hard to explain the kind of tired one gets to anyone who hasn't had it themselves.  To say that I want nothing more than to sleep all the time is an understatement.  For those who know me, this will make it clearer -- I've did nothing social for the better part of a month.  I went home, ate dinner and was in bed by 9 and was STILL wiped out.  Every day I woke up hoping that "today will be the day I feel like my normal energetic self again."  It was...special.  I mean to tell you.  And, as mentioned, incredibly humbling.  I am back to 90%.  I'm thankful for that and it makes me have a greater empathy for those who struggle with this sort of exhaustion/discomfort on a daily basis due to chronic illness or pain.  I am truly in awe. 


So here I am.  It is February 7 and I haven't written anything since the beginning of December.  As a matter of fact, I've been pretty quiet since about September and I am realizing that I feel saner and more fulfilled when I write more often so I think I'm going to make a goal of writing something (good, bad or indifferent) at least once a week for this coming year.  Maybe it will be a week's worth of positives, maybe it will be something else. I'll just see where it takes me.

And because I don't like to post writings without images, I guess that means I'll have to take at least one decent photo a week this year too...which means I need to start carrying my camera with me again and making the time for editing said photos.

Hmmm...I think I like how this is shaping up.  Planning for creativity and catharsis.  It sounds so healthy. Perhaps I'll try it. *wink*

I find myself re-framing my perceived failures this afternoon. I've been feeling stuck in several places in my life and I am trying to find my way out of the maze I've created in my mind. I'm starting to take steps though...and I'm finding that things I thought of as failures are really just flagstones on this walk called life.  I needed to stand on them to get my footing so that I can get to the next place.

The flagstones I'm just stepping onto include taking every career counseling workshop I can get my hands on at work, and starting the apartment hunt in earnest (complete with creepy old curmudgeonly Chinese man who checked me out, asked if my mother "married another Gringo", told me he was an equal opportunity hater, and told me not to ask him to bring me toilet paper. I kid you not.)  Also...I'm looking at joining the gym here at UC and seeing if I can start some regular exercise again after several months of inactivity.  Please cross fingers for me.  I need to get in shape to feel healthy and good in my skin.

So without further babbling, tonight I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Re-framing my thoughts to healthy ones.

2) Being in the 90% of my healing process.

3) Amazing Saturdays.  Spent the day doing a Blue & Gold Fleet Scenic Bay Tour with Katie, Michael and Chuck which included a sorbet stop at Ben and Jerry's, a ride on the Pier 39 Carousel, much laughter and an amazing dinner at Scoma's.  Such a fantastic, beautiful, perfect day.  With weather sent by the kindness gods. Yum!

=============
March 7, 2012

A month has gone by and I am realizing that I still haven't been writing, or doing much in the way of anything creative this winter.  I'm plodding along but not feeling in touch with my creative self and mostly that has been ok...but I kind of miss that part of me...that me.  The one who is compelled to write, to take photos, to dance, to sing...the one who needs to be doing those things to feel alive.  I'm not depressed.  In fact, in a lot of ways I'm quite content these days...and maybe that is it right there.  I haven't created a practice of creativity in my life.  My writing, etc., has thus far been fueled by deep emotion or a NEED to get it out instead forming some sort of a habit for happy creativity.  Hmmm.... at any rate...I miss it.  So here I am.  Recognizing it as a first step...and once I'm settled in a new home I *will* write weekly and photograph regularly.

I do have to say that recognizing that I can't do everything at once has been a huge step in the right direction for me.  Househunting has been the main priority.  Today I also started taking the stairs every hour at work again.  I've done it 4 times today.  My legs are sore which is a measure of how out of shape I actually am.  I also calendared myself for cancan rehearsals again.  At the very least I can go and stretch, right?  Not now..but in about a month when I'm all settled.  And stair walking as a break feels good and useful.

So yes...today I sing my gratitudes for

4) Honoring the recognition of setting simple priorities and not over-committing so that I can focus.

5) Taking the necessary step to do SOMETHING healthy -- those stairs are good.

6) www.livestrong.com is a godsend for tracking my caloric intake so that even though I've been inactive, I haven't put on much weight in the past 4 months.  I'm proud of myself for that.  There is something about writing down everything one eats that keeps me honest. :)

7) The fact that Katie & Michael's Baby Party went well thanks to the amazing Sabra and to all of their friends.  They had fun, everyone had fun, and it was a happy, fun, mellow, playful success.

8) I'm going to take an off-camera flash photography workshop in San Francisco tonight.  I'm nervous and excited.

9) Recognizing truths about people one loves and finally getting that I have to change my actions and responses in order to better serve them and me.

10) Affection, respect, consistent touch and healthy communication.  Nuff said.

11) The blessing that is my continued friendships.  I never ever take my friends for granted. Ever. Thank you for being in my world.  Yes. You.

Always a good reminder. ;)

I taste you in my sleep...

The subtle spice
of sex and salt,
sweet on my tongue;
I taste you in my sleep.

Your seductive scent,
the harbinger of memory and want,
teases me in the half light of dawn.

I feel your fingers
tangled in my hair,
and the push and pull
as you guide me.

There is no focus anymore,

Just You

You
are all there is,
the Only thing;
Everything.

If crawling under your skin
were actually an option
I'd try it

Just to be
thatmuchcloser
to
You.

You,
who are summer and seduction
on these cold winter nights.

You,
who are the secret smile
on long busy days.

You,
who are the stealer
of sensible thought,
in poorly lit rooms
after hours.

In the cool twilight,
I wrap your Heat
around me
and
ride it
through the darkness.

I burn for you
when I am alone.

Tireless
Tempting
Sensual
Satisfying

You
are all these things
and more
and
I
am like a woman
found again
in the fiery sweetness
of your touch.

The subtle spice
of sex and salt,
sweet on my tongue;
I taste you in my sleep.

© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #68 -- December 8, 2011

I think today might be about remembering that every moment of the day is a different moment, a new moment, and that many things can happen in one day to affect the way I think and feel.  It is up to me to hang on for the ride and remember that in the next moment, something may cheer me up. That I may find something to be thankful for. That a laugh may be shared between friends or strangers. And that it is possible to experience many days within one day.

Overall I'm doing pretty well these days. I realized this afternoon that I haven't written my gratitudes fora  couple of months and that just doesn't feel right. I'm deeply thankful for some positive change that is starting to happen in my life.  I'm working hard to make even more positive change happen.  It seems like things may be shifting a little in that direction (please oh please oh please. *wry grin*), and for that I'm deeply grateful.


These past couple of months (heh..years maybe?) have been long ones.  I have learned a lot about myself during that time.  I have found that pain is a great leveler.  It teaches humility and preaches patience.  I am learning that Raging against it gets me nowhere except for angry and tense...which further exacerbates the pain.

I won't lie.  It sucks to be in pain.  I am learning to find ways that I can work with it and not against it, if that makes any sense.  I don't mean that I plan to accept it, as it were, just that the energy it takes to be mad about it, could be better used by finding a way to make peace with it and to working through it.  I'm starting to feel much better (touch wood) and I'm also aware that with a bulging disk that I'm likely to go through waves of this on and off in my life so I'd best learn good coping skills for when I do.  :) 

I found myself thinking about this a lot while at acupuncture a few weeks ago. I heard my inner voice telling my neck "I love you."  It was an "a-ha" moment for me.  I realized that visualizing my neck as "well" and sending it good energy was a much more useful way to spend my time than resenting how it was.  I suppose this is true across life really.  Sometimes I forget when I'm in pain.  Huh...Yeah.

Let me put it this way:

The truth is that when I'm in pain (whether it be physical or emotional) I forget to be kind to myself.  I forget to take stock of the things that DO work.  I dwell, instead, on the things that don't and get myself further stuck instead of looking for ways out.  Even though I'm unhappy and uncomfortable, it feels safer to stay stuck, than it does to look at and leap at the unknown.  It is easier to stay unhappy sometimes than it is to make change happen.  To give into the unknown as it were, even if the unknown is has the potential to be better and the status quo does not. It is...well...UNKNOWN and therefore scary.  I've stayed in jobs, relationships, friendships, etc. because of that fear.  I don't like living like that and I really don't want to any more so I'm working on making some of that shift.  Honestly, I've done it a lot in my life and it doesn't feel good.  I am trying not to judge myself for it, but I don't want to DO that anymore. I state it because I want to be kept accountable for it.  And to ask for help with it. 

At any rate,  life is (touch wood) seeming to be looking up a little, and that is good.  Hooray!

I'm starting to take some career change workshops through my work and that feels like progress.  I'm loving my friendships and the people in my life as always (which is a remarkable amount).  I'm starting to feel a little bit more like perhaps I can start to do some form of movement again health wise and that is soooo exciting to me.

Plus, I'm really, REALLY enjoying performing at Dickens Fair this year, loving my show, my cast, my friends and my new song.  Feeling good about my performances overall and enjoying the social aspects of it all.  I haven't really performed much this year and the lack of it makes it all that much sweeter because I really chose it this season.  AND, I'm particularly thankful to be there because given the state of my neck in October, I didn't know if I'd be able to do this show at all.  Hooray!

So without further ado, I sing my gratitudes as follows:

1)  For the safety of my friends after car accidents.  I'm so thankful.  So so so thankful. I love you so much. 

2 ) I'm thankful for my family and friends.  You are the biggest and most amazing blessings in my life.

3) SO happy to be feeling like I'm on the mending side of pain.  Looking forward to Yoga again soon.

4) Having a great time doing Dickens Fair this year.  Thankful for my new song and the joy that singing it brings.  It feels great. :)

5) Having Laura Gregory up at Dickens Fair every weekend.  SO good!

6) Anni being her last weekend and getting REAL time with her and going to see Jake Shimabukuro & Leftover Cuties and YAY!

7) Jake Shimabukuro.  He's amazing.  Yep!

8) Career change workshops.  :)

9) Katie & Michael.  Always always always Katie & Michael

10) The chicken soups of the world tour I'm doing this week to try to stave off the scratchy, sore throat I've been fighting since Tuesday.  So far it has been Matzo Ball soup from Saul's, Sopa Azteca from Picante, Chicken Pho from Le Cheval.  I think tonight may be hot & sour soup from Great China, but not sure yet.  It has felt very good and very curative. I feel so lucky to be able to do this.  I know I'm blessed.

11) Cute new hats that make me feel sassy.

12) Beats Antique.  Yum.

13) Secret Squirrel Smiles. :)

14) Friends who are kind enough to understand and say "hey...just take care of yourself" when one is fighting sick foo.  Thanks to all of you this week and always. :)  I think it is working.  *crossing things*

15) Chris.  For a million gazillion reasons, but this week for handing me a computer that is usable after 2 months of not having one at home.  THANK YOU.

16) Kissing.  I am a big fan.  Mmm hmmm. :)

17) Reminders like this:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj2ofrX7jAk 

I think that is a nice place to end for tonight.  Hooray!

May your days be full of thankfulness.