Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #47 -- 9/30/10

Took this a while ago. Pretty much how I feel right now. Oy!

Looking for things that make me thankful today. I need the gratitude fix like an addict needs their drug of choice. I've lost sight of my joy these past couple of weeks and I miss the me that likes my life. I'm feeling overwhelmed in so many arenas, as so many of us seem to be these days, and I feel that I have no right to complain because I have it better than so many people seem to have it.

So here I am...sitting quietly in my living room and striving to find humor in the fact that my home is likely not to be mine much longer and that moving is probably imminent, that my damaged nerve fun in my cervical spine is stopping me from doing the things I love, that I'm gaining weight because I can't exercise in the ways I'm accustomed to, that I'm in a job that sucks my soul and doesn't pay me enough to do more than pretty much get by, that I'm sleeping terribly because of said back pain so I'm just plain exhausted, and that now on top of it all, my mail is suddenly being "returned to sender, attempted -- not known, unable to forward" despite my having done nothing to alter my status with the post office. Whining? Why yes I am. See why I need to find my thankfulness again?

So without further complaining! I sing my gratitudes for:

1) The good news I got at the podiatrist today. My left foot is apparently sprained but there is no bone or tendon damage and it will just heal with time. I can start walking for exercise again and THIS pleases me greatly. I just need to ice it regularly. Woo-freaking-hoo!

2) Finding out that the lovely folks staying with me (one of whom I haven't seen in 15 years and one of whom I've never met) are truly wonderful people and a delight to have in my home.

3) Going to spend a few minutes with Roxanne for a fitting last night, and finding myself still having a delightful conversation that I had to pry myself from in order to go home oh say 4 hours later. LOL Thank you, Roxanne!

4) All of the amazing and heart-warming birthday wishes I received on Monday. Thank you. So much. It was a joy to respond to them all and to realize how amazingly lucky I am in my choice of friends. Thank you for choosing me too.

5) The new to me bread-maker I bought from Cybele. I set it on delay last night and woke up to the smell of fresh baked bread this morning. Put my home made blackberry jam on it. NOM! It was a rockingly awesome way to start a day.

6) Playing Carmellina in the latest Commedia Volante play. It is SO fun to play a complete ditz! I'm having a blast. Hooray!

7) Realizing again how much I love studio lighting. I enjoyed taking a couple of shoots about a month ago and I really want my own lights now. There is something amazing about the ability to manipulate your light source like that. I lurv it! :)

8) Dinner with Aran & Heather a couple of weeks ago. It did my heart so much good. Thank you both!

9) Remembering to come back to gratitude when I get emotionally lost. Phew. I feel so much better already.

10) The incredible gift of camaraderie and shared laughter backstage every weekend. So good for my soul.

11) The beautiful flowers in my living room. The light is hitting them in the most magnificent way right now. Yum!

Flowers by Sunset

12) The never-ending miracle of the beautiful moon.

9/25/10

The Moon Wears a Gown of Leaves - 9/25/10

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #46 -- 9/21/10

Tonight I sing the gratitudes for:

1) Perspective

2) The calm that comes with writing these.

3) The ability to be grateful even when there is a lot going on my life that causes me to forget my gratitude for a moment.

4) A fun opening weekend and being part of a great ensemble.

5) Melissa for lending me her "baby duck" costume again this weekend. I love it and feel pretty in it and without it this weekend I'm not sure what I'd have done. Thank you.

6) Sara for her laundry help, the yummy sammich, the excellent conversation and the pleasure of her company! Only in reverse order. :)

7) A good physical therapist.

8) Clean laundry all put away

9) Cereal and chocolate almond milk. Nom!

10) The hilarity and wit of my friends. Laughter is truly one of life's greatest blessings.

And now ... sleep.

louder than a promise....

silence speaks louder
than a promise.

action is
integrity embodied

you remember your love
in a vacuum
and forget it again
in the dust.

alone in this wilderness
called uncertainty,
i once again
hone my survival skills;
eating the mysteries
in the shadows
as a strange form
of sustenance.

no words can soothe me now.

i am wild and hungry,
strong and supple,
waiting for the fight
that doesn't come.

you have abandoned my hope;

left it like an orphan
in a reed boat
to float down the
raging river of
brokenheartedness.

so accustomed to these waters
that i can navigate them blindfolded,
i am still
incapable
of avoiding the rocks
of personal destruction
that stand
at the bottom like jagged teeth
waiting to consume me.

live your words
or do not speak them.

Do or just don't...

how dare you
feed me raw untruth
and try to masquerade
it as a delicacy?

why squander the air
it takes to utter
pretty lies?

don't waste your breath.

i'm saving my heart,
for something worthy.

they say that familiarity
breeds contempt...

tonight
i know
you
better
than you know
yourself.

© Tanya Anguita

Bed of Inquiries

in ghostly whispers

that come unbidden at midnight,

i hear echoes of your laughter

and, for an instant,

the distinct and present feeling

of a hand brushing gently

against my hungry skin

when Memory falls over me like this --

tripping on words unsung,

actions never acted upon,

phrases unturned --

i am left with a

dull dissatisfaction

and the need for closure

where there is none.

when does peace come?

where does solace rest?

how does longing become fulfillment?

my patience lies panting and tattered

on the side of the road,

exhausted by the questions that

run me ragged at the witching hour.

questions unanswerable

questions unavoidable

questions that haunt me

in the stronghold

of Nyx's darkened realm.

questions that,

like her,

are born of Chaos.

where and how do i find hope

for my unknown future

when 20/20 hindsight

is all that is afforded to me?

how do I approach my invisible destiny

with eyes wide open,

a blinder-free spirit ,

a heart unfettered by fear

a determination filled with willing gentleness?

in the dark-outside

the telephone wires hum

with the dreams and doubts of others,

the skies sing a hymn

with a chorus of stars,

the moon exhales

a quiet breath as she wanes

and I?

I lay silent in my bed of inquiries

with a pillow of active thought for my

restless head,

praying that the lullaby

of the cosmos

will sing me swiftly,

soothingly,

into the

loving arms

of Morpheus.

© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Postive #45 -- 8/19/10

Today without preamble my gratitudes include:

1) Picking blackberries at Chris and Jen's with Jen and Tuffy and the happiness that it brought me to be in their company. :)

2) Learning how to make Challah bread. Now I've done it once I know how long it takes, what not to do again (heh!), what to do a little differently, etc.

3) Homemade blackberry jam and plum jam on toast! NOM NOM NOMMITY NOM!

4) The fact that as I started typing this earlier today that there was blue sky out my window at work. Oh how I've missed blue sky this "summer".

5) 8/9/10 and how strangely happy dates and times like that make me. Here's a great story along those lines: http://news.yahoo.com/video/cincinnati-wlwt-18191085/girl-born-on-8-9-10-at-11-12-21349417

6) Getting to see Kirsten while she was here visiting from New Zealand. Meeting Nik at last, and meeting Nicola and Gerry was also a treat. Add Katie & Michael time into the mix and I'm a happy little camper. Hooray!

7) Having a tidy desk at work.

8) Gratitudes that take a few days to write.

9) Paciencia y fe... :)

10) Roses

11) Fun books that keep me up reading too late.

12) Finding an old journal that I've been looking for for months. There is a song that I wrote in it that I've been wanting to revisit. Hooray!

13) Anni coming up tomorrow! Hooray!

14) Knowing that tomorrow is Friday at long last. This week has been loooooooooooooooooong!

15) A lovely day with Robin on Saturday was good for my spirit. :) Thank you!

16) So much good in the way of Amy, Michelle, Monique, Barbara, & Daniel in the past week or two. I'm wealthy in my friends! So wealthy!

17) An amazing evening of Family Goodness! Yay and Happy Birthday again Nina! I'm so lucky in my family. I love them AND like them. YAY!

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #44 -- 8/6/10

Here I am again. Donning my thankfulness like a silken gown and reveling in the softness of it as it brushes against my life. Yum!

Today my song of gratitudes include:

1) Bunnies. They are soft and sweet and in the case of this wee rescue bunny, friendly and adorable. I fell in love with this little creature, but I have also learned the valuable lesson that bunnies require more attention than I can give them with my lifestyle. And so, sad as it made me I started thinking that I needed to find the bunny a home elsewhere. All of this falls under the heading of valuable life lesson. I'm thankful for this.

2) The Wee Bunny's owner showing up to take said bunny home Tuesday night. Hooray! Celebrations abounding! Yippee! Justin is a cool guy and Gus (the bunny) really belongs with him. :) Hooray for the small miracles in life.

Gus!

3) Having a good neurologist. Finally. Dr. Quintana for the win.

4) Getting to see the brilliance of Terrybug's performance at the Lesher Center. I'm so proud of you, Sweet One. And of all of your co-stars. What a talented bunch you are and please tell Storm that I was serious about her amazing-ness. She's remarkable and so are you! Love you! Soverymuch!

5) Returning to center. It is a nice place to be. I like it here and I like me when I'm here. Phew.

6) Being reminded how important kindness is to me. Daily, patient kindness is an amazing gift to experience in one's life.

7) (Sorry gents!) Good bra fittings with a kind person helping me out. Ladies ... I recommend Kathleen Decker at the Nordstrom on Market Street in SF. I'm daunted by what I learned (oy..buying bras isn't going to be easy going forward), but she rocked, made it fun and easy, had a great sense of humor and was generally wonderful!


8) Fun hats are fun!

Just bought the cutest hat ever!

9) Step the next in the Prop 8 saga. I'm so incredibly happy that Judge Walker over turned it. It is a step in the right direction and an important one. The fight isn't over, but this first step was SO important and so necessary. Hooray! Hooray for Love. Hooray for love love love!

10) Not having a fractured left foot as I thought I might. Now I get to figure out why it hurts so much, but at least it isn't broken. Woohoo!

11) Time with beloved friends. :)

12) Unexpected evenings to one's self and recognizing that I will be happier just staying home despite all of the fun options happening out "there" tonight. It has been a full few weeks and some "me" time is exactly what the Tanya needs. :) Phew. I think I may try my hand at making blackberry jam tonight. Wish me success. :)

13) Being at a place in my life where I not only revel in spending time alone, but finally recognize that I need time to myself like I need good sleep, good food and water. It is a necessary thing for my well-being and I really enjoy my own company. It took me a long time to get here, but I'm so glad I've arrived. :)

14) The sweet sweet sound of the pop of the lids on my new canned blackberry jam being sealed. HOORAY! POP!

15) Domestic Goddessitude! It can be so gratifying! Sharing that glee via FB with others tonight was a lot of fun too.


16) The music of Owain Phyfe ...

The wonderful Owain Phyfe...If you haven't heard his music you're missing out!

Let me say it again...His voice is clear and true. His cds are amazing and beautiful. And he is a wonderful, wonderful man which only makes it that much more delightful to listen to him. You can buy his cds here: http://www.cdbaby.com/group/nightwatch I have "Tales from the Vineyard" and "Where Beauty Moves and Wits Delights" and they're both delicious!

17) Not having to go to work tomorrow. :)

Hooray for thankfulness! Hooray! Hooray!

love is written

love is written on his body
in petals softer than silk --
a crimson proclamation
against alabaster skin.

fragility written on strength
strength written on fragility

a fitting tribute to
the jealous moon
who anxiously awaits
her due homage
in the late july sky

she is full tonight
and so am i.

praise be
to kindness

all hail
gentleness!

revel in
the openness
and celebrate
the realization

that sometimes

love
[in rose petals]
[filled with laughter]
[overflowing with grace]
[laid patiently on waiting skin]

is all that i need.

© Tanya Anguita