Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Postive #63 -- May 22, 2011

La la la!  Life is good and I am blessed!  Let me sing that again:

LA LA LA!  LIFE IS GOOD AND I AM BLESSED!

Ahhhhhhh....I love that song.  Singing it feels good.  Remembering to sing it even on the days when I don't necessarily feel it, helps me to remember that it is true no matter what. :)  

Once more with feeling (not that kind of feeling you fantastic pervert, you! *wink*):

LA LA LAAAAAAAAA!  LIFE IS GOOD AND I AM BLESSED!!!!

It is Spring, the sun has been dancing is in the sky, I've been given clearance to start light dancing and some modified yoga again after a year of relative inactivity, I'm walking tons, have converted my desk to a standing desk, and feel like there are many, many opportunities on my horizon.  Yippeeee!

It has been a full week, a good weekend, and there has even been some down time in amongst the busy.  Let me get a "Hallelujah" from you on that one!  Hallelujah!  *grin*

With out further ado I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Remembering to sing my gratitudes.

2) Amazing, drama-free, happy making weekends at Southern Faire.

3) Rocking out with Cybele in the car on the way down and back.  ACDC, Scorpions and Def Leppard all the way, Baby! *grin*  Too much silly fun!!!

4) Breakfast with the other Furies. *grin*  Good and good for my soul.  I love you two so very much!

5)The 2 hours I got under that tree with Laura.  My soul is still shining brighter because of our time together.

6) Seeing Glen and seeing Glen take photos again.

7) Being with my Commedia Famiglia, singing with Serenata and being kamikaze sign girl. 

8) Getting to celebrate Scott's b-day with he and Christina. :)

9) Boozy Princess Party.  Nuff Said! ;)

10) Catching up with Epaul.  I'm so thankful for our 19 years of friendship!  So so thankful!

11) Dinner at Okina with Katie & Michael followed by Gelateria Naia!  Nom! And going to Angeline's with you two this month too.  Hooray for hedonism! 

12) Hugh Jackman with Marz.  What a delicious night.  Thank you for a lovely 21st anniversary evening! *grin*  I love you so!

13) Making time for me today.  I've really needed even a couple of hours of down time and I'm really proud of myself for taking it today.

14) Tilden Park.  I need to spend more time exploring it.  The Botanic Garden is so lovely and I realized as I drove home that I really don't know my way around this treasure of a park that is so close to my home.  I need to remedy that.  Thanks to Moriah & Mike for suggesting the Botanic Garden for today.

15) THE BEST FROG BOWLS EVER!!!!  Yay for Froggy Bowls!!!! Thank you Moriah!  I LOVE them! Eeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

16) Being able to get online at home again.  My computer has gone buggy of late and I haven't been able to sort it out.  I somehow managed to get it sorted today and I am most pleased!

17) Forcing myself to use other lenses instead of the one I've gotten so comfortable with.  It is making me look at things differently and despite feeling like my photos have taken a step backwards, it is really good for me to stretch my brain like this.  It helps me to grow as a photographer, to remember to look at things from a different perspective, and to force myself to see things in new way.

18) Being proud of myself for continuing to click away on a regular basis.  I'm behind on editing, but I'm still taking photos and that is a good thing (tm).

19) Reminding myself to eat until I'm not hungry instead of eating until I'm full.  I'm working on eating more slowly and paying attention to where the stopping place should be.  I'm proud of myself for starting to remember to do that again.

20) Shoelaces with big green stars on them.  They make me grin every time I look at my feet!

21) Crack Crackers (aka Trader Joe's Savory Multiseed Thin Mini Rice Crackers with Soy Sauce) and Katie's pesto hummus!  NOM!

22) Embracing my belief in my self.  One day at a time.  Sometimes one moment at a time, but really truly embracing me.  YAY!

And now, I stop prattling.  Boing! 

two-stepping moon

the moon was dazzling
as it two-stepped
into the high desert sky,

chasing us
across the paved dance-floor
of the I5 at sundown.

red tail lights,
like synthetic fireflies,
flickered in the distance
as the valley
unfolded,
all dark soil and ripeness,
below a peach dusted sky.

© Tanya Anguita.

Before the Exhale

when silence is comfort
when alone-ness is not loneliness
when stillness is an act of grace

this is the eye in the storm,
the pause before the exhale,
the quiet prior to the thunder clap.

now is the time.
this is the moment.

refill your cup from the well of peacefulness,
breathe in the sweet scent of solitude,
savor the soundless-ness of serenity

for tranquility,
my friend,
is fleeting;


and peace of spirit,
is a blessing from the gods.
 
© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #62 -- April 28, 2011

  


It has been a quiet month for writing for me.  I miss it.  So here I am at midnight, writing my gratitudes instead of sleeping.  *wry smile*

I'm feeling proud of myself for small life gestures that get me where I want to go.

I'm remembering that the baby steps are, in and of themselves, valuable. They are the small, daily miracles that move us ever forward on our journey and are so often overlooked. Thank goodness they exist. I am finally starting to appreciate them for themselves. It is a lovely feeling.

The sun has been shining again of late and it is making me smile.  I love the rain, but I also love cool, crisp, Spring, skirt-wearing days!  :)  Hooray!

I have so much to be thankful for.  So much.  And I am thankful moment by moment, hourly, daily....it is finding the time to write about it that I find difficult.  I'm feeling over-calendared and overwhelmed and I still don't know how to balance it all.  I'm so wealthy in friends and in activities and I'm thankful beyond belief for you and for them.  I just need to learn to build in more time for me to contemplate my navel and to write and breathe and dream and think. 

Speaking of dreams....wow....my dreams have been working double time this month.  This past couple of weeks have kicked my butt sideways such that my dream life has gotten very bizarre of late. And by bizarre I mean "Freud would get a hard on for my dreams" weird.  It is nice to be remembering dreams again...I'd just like it if the "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?  Brain?  Where on earth did THAT come from?" factor would mellow out a little.  *grin*

In other news, I'm feeling good in my skin again and loving the me that I am.  Taking the 148 stairs in my office every time I think about it.  It seems to average out to somewhere between 2 -5 times a day.  Walking a lot and hopefully regaining some of my health in the process.  After months of forced inactivity it feels really good to be moving in some way again...physically, psychically, and emotionally.  Baby steps are still steps and they are good.

Let me say that again:  Baby Steps Are Still Steps and They Are Good!!

So since I'm all over the map tonight, let me sing my gratitudes tonight as follows:


1) My weekend of Ani with Anni. What an amazing couple of days. So much love, so much warmth, so much comprehension and ease, so much connection....so much. Thank you, Anni. *sniff* *sniff* ;) 

2)Thank you also to the Divine Laura Bee for coming to play with us!  Such a treat to get time with you two!

3) Feeling good in my skin again.  Coming back to the me I like and love and respect.  I wrote a piece about that the other day.  Maybe I'll post it later. :)

4) Baby steps.  I loves them. :)

5) Feeling confident in my photography again.  Enjoying it and feeling good about the results I'm seeing.  Knowing that I have on days and off days, but the on days are on more often and the off days are becoming fewer and further between.

6) Making music.  Singing more.  Learning the uke.  I learned something that most of you probably already know, but somehow I'd missed in my uke class a couple of weeks ago.  I had somehow managed to miss the correlation between the vibration of sound and the correlation to the vibration of colour.  So we see what we hear and we hear what we see.  How did I not know about this?  All I know is that I'm tickled to be learning about it now.  Much more reading to be done on the subject soon, methinks! It speaks so beautifully to my musical self and to my photographic light and colour loving self.

7) Learning new things.  Every day that I learn something new is a great day.

8) This quote: "When you make peace with yourself, you make peace with the world." - Maha Ghosananda

9) Getting time with Annalisa and her wonderful family in the company of my beloved Mom this past Monday.  I have known her my whole life.  Literally.  And I love her and am completely in love with her kids. 


10) Celebrating Carma's birthday.  We've been friends for "mumbledy mumble" years and I can't wait for "mumbledy mumble" more. *grin*


11) Laura's visit and getting to share some clicky whee knowledge with her.  Thank goodness for soul sisters. 


12) Holly and Jolie and re-patterning. So good.  


13) Mercury going direct. :)


14) Getting to go home tomorrow for the weekend.  Can't wait!  YAY!


15) Discovering the amazingness of Ari Hest and this song in particular:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=144Pz4gOOHA&feature=share  Because it speaks to me.


16) Healthy re-potted plants.  I love it when I can help green things grow and thrive.


And on that note, I'm going to sleep.   :) 

Coming Back

i am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many years
at the front of a war
i did not choose.

celebrating my homecoming
with loved ones,
over shared bread and laughter;

wine and roses
a feast for the senses
after fasting for far too long.

=====================

I am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many months
of a solitary confinement
i did not deserve.

weeping with relief and gratitude
at the gift of clean air
and cool light on my skin

the sight of beloved faces
a not-so-small kindness that
enfolds me in its comfort
after tireless touch-hungry days
in the darkness.

=====================

i am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many nights
lost in the wilderness
with no map to guide me.

enjoying again
the gently sloping landscape
of my confidence;

small mountain flowers
tucked gracefully
into cracks in the granite.

=====================

i am coming back to myself;
to the wild leanings
of my soul

frolicking
with the mountain goats in my fertile heart;
swimming
in the newly-thawed lakes of awakening,

the wind in my spirit
whistles a jaunty tune
as it dances through the alpine trees
that sway too and fro by dawn's light.

=====================

i am coming back to myself;
to the contented me
that i wear like a well-worn sundress

easy and soft to the touch,
smelling like Summer and satisfaction,
i accept myself,
with all of my faults and glories,
exactly as i am.
right now.
today.

=====================

i am coming back to myself
to the beloved me
that is like an open kitchen window
on baking day,

enticement in the form of
warm pie and completeness

sending the sweet scent of
abundance and welcome
wafting over the meadows nearby.

=====================

i am coming back to myself.
seeing
sunlight in the shadows,
windows in the architecture,
light where light hasn't shone for a long time.

=====================

i am coming back to myself
finding
empathy in every exchange
and love in every corner.

wakening,
from van-winkle-like sleep,
to the sensuality
that i feared dead.

embracing desire.

wanting again
in the still of the night.

=====================


i am coming back to myself
appreciating my strength
applauding my talents
accepting compliments
thankful
for everyone and everything.

=====================

i am coming back to myself

with gentleness as a mantle
with humor as my flashlight
with a truth i thought i had forgotten
with compassion overflowing my outstretched hands.

=====================

i am coming back to myself
with patience as my guide
with willingness my lodestone
with knowledge of my value
with grace;
owning my beauty

=====================

i am coming back to myself
with confidence
with integrity
with respect
with belief.

i am coming back to myself.
with love.

© Tanya Anguita.

reflections

an apology at the witching hour
a year late and
far more than a paltry dollar short

i am here.
alone with my thoughts.
haunted by fading ghosts.

looking in the mirror
i don't see myself,
i see you.

your actions
inform my reflection;

altering what i saw a year ago,


into something wiser
perhaps a little warier;
bone-weary from your storm.

heartache,

carved into my skin,

sits tight around my mouth,
in lines deep and wounded;
furrowed by sleeplessness and sorrow.


pain inflicted
shows
in my
now-shuttered
eyes.

am i lonely tonight?

yes.

are you?


my sense of purpose,
blackened in the fallout,
is bruised.

the salve,

a blossoming belief
that it was not me,

applied liberally
morning and night,
turns the throbbing purple
of those hurts
to a pale yellow
almost invisible
to the unaware,
but still sometimes
painful
to the touch.

admire the laughter that lingers
in my proud crows' feet .


new skin
growing
over old wounds.


i remind myself

that

i am good
i am kind

i can not live with myself
if i can not forgive you....

can i?

are you banking on that?

you who toyed
with my gentle heart
for your own amusement.

you
who broke me like no other has
with your shocking selfishness.

you
who use others
in an attempt to fill the gaping hole
that you have not learned to fill yourself.

your ever-hungry ego,
searching for strokes
when what you need most
is
to love,
and
to like
you.

can you?

are you able?
do you know selflessness?
are you brave enough
to face yourself?

the me emerging from the mirror
hopes,
for your sake,
that you are.

the me in the glass,
that pushes past you to see herself,
says prayers
for your awakening.

the me in the glass,
mistreated by you,
is trying to wish you well.

help me out here,
narcissus,
tell me
how am i to forgive you so easily?

is my heart that big?
can i be?
am i capable?

i am.

i love.
i release.
i forgive.

both of us.


forgiving you
releases me

and my heart flies free
to sing again.

© Tanya Anguita

A Ship Called Memory

cast adrift
on a turbulent sea of thought

gasping for air
as waves of emotion
CRASH
over the bow
of this ship
called Memory.

it is a dark and stormy night
on this ocean of recollection,
and i am,
once again,
lost in a squall
of reminiscence and regret;
falling overboard into the sea of sorrows;
drowning in the now-ancient ghosts
of loves ruinous and unrequited.

shall i

swim for the shore,
or let the raging waters
pull me under?

fight the seductive current,
or go, like a brave sailor,
to my fate?

if i

relinquish choice,
i will breath in the salty ache
that will lead me to my destruction

if i

release free will,
the cold words
that dragged me down
towards my not-so-swift demise
will rise up again to consume me

if i

accept as mine
the actions of another,
that left my ego bleeding
alongside the rocky shore of my now-torn sensuality,
i will never recover from them.

instead,
in the
all-encompassing ocean
of hurts unshared,

i pray...

for silence
for salvation

listening, listening,
as i drown in remembrance,
for the siren song
of the words i
most wished
to hear
all those pain-filled months ago.

there is a weighty silence
in answer to my prayer
as i sink
sink
sink
into the anguish
that comes from the past
yet seems to be
all around me.

i flail,
reaching out

for my equilibrium,
for my faith,
for the return of a
world turned upright again.

despair
-- dark and winsome --
winds itself seductively around my heart,
as resignation attempts to attach itself
to my fight-weary psyche.

my lungs,
filled with the stale air
of unsaid truths,
threaten to burst.

i hit bottom.

there is no light.

all is silent.

in the waiting stillness,
a small clear voice
sings truth;
weaving a safety net
with the sureness of its
gentle veracity.

"true love," it hums

"will not weigh you down,
or cut your soul to ribbons."

"true love," it croons,

"love that is
healthy, honest, and open,
is no anchor.
it would never drag you with it
into the deep!"

"true love," it reminds me,

"love that sustains, supports, communicates,
and is given freely,
is buoyant and beautiful!"

"true love" it sings with clarity,
"is a lifeboat,
waiting to take you on board."

reveling in that verity,
i kick against the hurt,
fight the sorrows,
refuse the plate of bitterness
in the overwhelming darkness
at the bottom of this muddied ocean.

Up, up, up
I swim,
towards truth and confidence,
towards honesty and kindness,
past the snaggle-toothed sea-monsters
named fear and doubt,
past the bleeding creatures from the deep
named insecurity-bred-of-cruelty and defeat.

Gasping,
I break the surface of my tattered ego
to breathe once again
the soothing air
of strength,
of beauty,
of grace,
of Self.

Praising
the sky,
the cool wind
in my sun-warmed hair,
and the lifeboat
that i now carry with me always
in my gentle, gracious heart.

© Tanya Anguita