comehitherstop

The whispering quiet
greets me like an old dog
chewing on new shoes.

It worries my blue leather heart
with pointed teeth.
Leaves bite marks on my soul.

There is silence in the darkness
A raging howl at dawn;
Welts on my spirit
Where your comehitherSTOP!
has rubbed me raw.

I can't fence this empty ache
that eats me alive
at the
witching hour,
without the key you
dangle before me,
but won't let me touch.

Sweet and lowdown

The rain sings to me in the night.
A siren's song in the darkness
Sweet and lowdown

She wails
the midnight blues
in answer to my heart's desire
While Yearning
whistles ardently
around my house of dreams.

Tasting her anthem on my lips,
My tongue lovingly caresses
each familiar note.
Savoring the fevered pitch
of longing
as it rests in my mouth.
Familiar and enticing,
the dusky flavor
seduces me
as Want consumes me
once again.

The rain sings to me in the night.
A siren's song in the darkness
Sweet and lowdown...

© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #38 -- 1/16/10

Easy easy easy to write this tonight. What a glorious 24+ hours. What a blessed, gift-filled, remarkably loving, beautiful time! I'm smiling as I type. Life is juicy and true and so full of incredible yum. Time with Laura and Cameron is an exercise in coming home to a home you didn't know you had. It is easy and comforting and laughter and love-filled and truly, blessedly easy. Ahhhh...what a happy heart I have tonight. :)

We had a GREAT day today. So much fun and so much amazingness. Something about that reset button being pressed and I'm back to where I like being. Thankful, joyful, and so alive!

My gratitudes are being sung and here they are:

1) Starting the day at Rain's Aerial Fitness class at the Athletic Playground. It challenges me, kicks my butt, makes me giggle, makes me feel awkward, and makes me very happy all at once. And? I love how muscle-sore it makes me. Hooray!

2) Making mom-style pancakes (more like heavy crepes) with lemon curd and chicken pineapple-bacon sausage for brunch. And also eating a yummy pineapple that Cameron picked out. Such a good call on his part! Yum!

3) So much easy conversation.

4) The Exploratorium. We only got an hour or so there but omg...what a blast. I used to go all the time as a child because it was free when I was little and I lived 6 blocks from it. I hadn't been in years and now I'm just kind of itching to go back and spend some real time there. Tactile Dome...I wanna go! :)

Exploratorium

5) Getting to play clicky clicky wheeeee with Laura. It is fun to geek with someone. I like it!

6) An unexpected dinner with Dan Briggs at the Metreon. Nice to see you outside of the faire, eh?

7) The MLK Fountain and getting to share it...it never fails to move me. What a remarkable piece of civic art.

8) The smell of banana bread wafting from my oven even as I type.

9) Being introduced to [title of show] and the Die Vampires Die Song "You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer! You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DDdM66_nSI

10) Butt Jazz...our new name for honk squeak and fall down the stairs jazz...because really? It kind of sounds like jazz that comes from someone's ass...ah hilarity...so much hilarity.

11) Laura Gregory, Laura Gregory, Laura Gregory, Laura Gregory!

Isn't she magnificent?

Laura

12) Cameron, Cameron, Cameron, Cameron!

I love this kid!

Cameron

13) Noodley Saturdays on KALW. At least that is what I call the Thistle and Shamrock, Folk Music and Beyond, Bluegrass Signal, etc line up. I love catching them...so fun!

14) Stopping at Treasure Island on the way home to look at the view....because we could!

15) Contentment. Such a miracle of a feeling.

A few pics from the day and then sleep for me. Much love for and to you all!

Palace of Fine Arts

This child's idea made me so happy!

See?

My beloved house guests -- Laura, Cameron and Vacation Monkey. :)

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #37 -- 1/15/10

Habits are interesting things. I go in waves with some of mine and the habit of thankfulness is one that needs a tune up sometimes. Expect to see a few more of these in the coming days and weeks. I like it when gratitude is 2nd nature to me and so I need to get back in the habit of it. :) Writing these helps immeasurably.

I've been kind of stuck in my head this past week and in the process, I've lost sight of what is important in my life. I've forgotten to take care of myself and my spirit in some really important ways. I'm embarrassed to say that I've forgotten to live in a consistent state of gratitude. Now it is time to do that tune up and get back to the place I like to live from. It is nice there. :)

Everybody sing...you've got to ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive...e-lim-inate the negative...latch on to the affirmative... don't mess with mr. in between! boy howdy do i need to hear that ... to latch onto the affirmative and not mess with mr. in-between! good reminders....very.

So tonight the gratitudes I sing include:

1) Having Laura and Cameron here with me. There is nothing like a remarkable woman and her amazing 10 year old to make life a better place to be. So much love to and for them both. What a treat! And there was much laughter, and easy sharing, and Cameron's toe-foo, and zombie jokes, and Laura's glorious smile, and the tail Cameron made me because I like to wag and the ensuing statement of "i would make a great boyfriend because i pay attention" and next time he's bringing his own string! :) Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. :)

2) The patience, generosity, and love that friends have shown me this week. Chris, Michael, George, Anni, Jen, Michelle and Colleen in particular...thank you. I will endeavor to be less tedious in the coming weeks. :0)

3) Rob for playing Nintendo IT dude for Cameron and I this evening...even if we didn't get the damned thing to recognize my wi-fi....much hilarity ensued and I'm thankful. Maybe we can get it to work tomorrow, eh?

4) Anni for sharing this song with me tonight. The lyrics are here: http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858769221/ and they are really what moved me. The song is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfBY96qxVRQ

5) Knowing that I get to go to Aerial Fitness in the morning!

6) The wayback photos everyone is posting. It makes me so joyful to see you all at various stages in your lives. It is one of the more endearing things I've seen go by on this weird old site and I love it.

7) Beignets. Nom nom nom!

8) Comfy jammies to sit around the house in on a cold night. Fleece is wonderful stuff. :)

9) Three day weekends. I'm so thankful that I get one starting tonight. :)

10) Smiling because I can and then watching it catch other people as I walk down the street. I love the recognition that a smile brings...the answering grin, the gentle nod, the slightly straighter posture...it is a wonderfully contagious thing.

And now...sleep.

Much love to and for you all!
:)
t

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate The Positive #36 -- 1/14/10

I'm feeling unsettled today and frankly, a little depressed. Fargin migraines...fargin financial foo...fargin uncertainty...russa frussa...*pout* (Am literally laughing aloud as I type out this pout-fest...i do know how ridiculous it is...but still...it helps a little so hee hee hee)

I know I'm blessed. I do! I'm so aware of the many, many blessings I have in my life every minute of every single day and somehow I'm still feeling off today. I don't like it.

It makes for a bit of mental discord and internal chaos to have so much conflicting info coming through the old brain pan this afternoon, so I've decided once again to focus on what makes me feel joyful and thankful in an effort to get it all down to the one simple place that keeps me afloat...a place of gratitude. Hooray!

I looked up the etymology of the word gratitude just now and this is what I found:

gratitude
c.1500, from M.L. gratitudo "thankfulness," from L. gratus "thankful, pleasing" (see grace).

Somehow that one should "see grace" while looking at gratitude, pleases me. I do feel like I "see grace" when I live in a state of gratitude. I live more gracefully when I do. Like the Graces smile upon me. :)

My favorite definitions of grace include:

grace
–noun

1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
3. favor or good will.
4. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
5. a virtue or excellence of divine origin
6. moral strength
7. Graces, Classical Mythology. the goddesses of beauty, daughters of Zeus and Eurynome, worshiped in Greece as the Charities and in Rome as the Gratiae.

–verb (used with object)
14. to lend or add grace to; adorn
15. to favor or honor

Synonyms:
1. attractiveness, charm, gracefulness, comeliness, ease. 4. kindness, kindliness, love, benignity; condescension. 5. lenity, leniency. 14. embellish, beautify, deck, decorate, ornament; enhance, honor.

So today, I focus on what I'm thankful for yet again and I suspect that I'll find that center I'm dancing around once I do.

With out further ado, my gratitudes in no particular order today include:

1) Allen's random words note. It has made me smile over the past few days. Thank you for that benison. ;)

2) George -- you've been so amazingly kind to me this week in particular, and many times over the past oh...what is it now NINETEEN years? Thank goodness for you! Thank you for your love and generosity, for your wisdom and your humor.

3) I'm thankful for the birthdays of so many loved and lovely people in my life that seem to occur around this time of year. Hooray for Capricorns! You're a wonderful bunch and you make up a seriously huge part of my dearest friend base! Happy Birthday Loved Ones! Many Many Happy Birthdays to come!

4) My family. I love them. Christmas with them in my home was a pure joy...though I and we all missed Nina. My house is now warmed. :)

5) Knowing how to come back to center when I feel off. I've found me. I trust me. I love me. I believe in me. I know I'm smart, kind, sexy, silly, funny, enticing, passionate, patient (oh so patient), deeply affectionate, strong, exuberant, beautiful, desirable, goofy, generous, observant, powerful, sensual, quick-witted, energetic, adventurous, endearing, wise, mighty, blessed, loving, loved and infinitely lovable. I know that I deserve happiness. I am whole. I am complete. I believe in myself and I fundamentally like myself. That means, that even on days like today, some strong part of me knows that all of that is true. This means I can always get back to happy and content...even when I have to struggle a little to get there...because at my core...at my center...that is who I am. I am a happy, contented, loving Tigger. I am Dug the dog from UP....goofy, loyal, and full of love. I am Tanya. Take me as I am, love me or don't, because what you see is what you get. In the meanwhile, I love me and I love you and so shall it be. Hear me roar!

6) Amy, Bill and Elliot -- for helping me in the past weeks to make my place a much more pleasant place to live. Thank you for helping me with all things handy. And for teaching me along the way! Also thank yous for Rock Climbing adventures and for the Athletic Playground. Because really? OMG those things are truly made of win! A million thank yous...truly.

7) I love my home. It really feels like Home. Living alone has some great moments and some lonely ones, but mostly I really enjoy it.

8) Walks on the pier at sunset and at moonrise and during full moon...and well...yeah...walks on the pier...they're so good.

9) Jen -- because you're amazing...and kind...and loving...and magnificent...and I'm so thankful that I get to see you every day at work. I don't know what I'd do without you. Truly!

10) My compatriots of New Year's Eve Silliness -- Monique, John, Drake, Griffin, Saiya, JoAnn, Barbara, Leigh, Genevieve, Cat & Peter. What a blessed way to welcome in 2010! Thank you!

11) Carma and Steph ...because really? I'm always thankful for Carma and Steph. 25+ years of friendship there and I thank my lucky stars every damned day for it!

12) Anni and James for visiting and laughter and clicky whee and good talks and yay!

13) Escaping early...because I can! Lucky 13 indeed!

I have much more to be thankful for and so many of you to thank, but I want to see that sunset happen so I'm outta here!

I wish you all love. You deserve it!

hidden by the night

Half-naked in the darkness,

Hidden by the night,
I stand in the doorway.

The pounding rain
beats a staccato rhythm
on my waiting skin.

Baptized by the clouds,
Bathed by the cool heavens,
I am soaked to my core.

As water streams across
my body in torrents
I smile.

Gasping at the onslaught
I open my hands
And bare my chest.

Into my parted lips
a benison
is poured.

I know,
without a doubt tonight,
that I am Alive.

© Tanya Anguita

A pause in the music

The dance of the heart is free form.
It has no lead and no follow.

It is inspired by the music of another
and has no set pattern.

I take three steps this way
on the floor of life
and we're dancing.

You take two steps backwards
and then
we're not.

A pause in the music.
A pause in the steps.

Eyes lock, hands touch, hips sway
and we're moving, again,
in unison.

Compelled by the rhythm
drawn into the dance willingly
both leading, and following.

Spinning with hearts on sleeves,
Gasping for breath.

And dizzy with the joy of it all.

© Tanya Anguita