Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate The Positive #36 -- 1/14/10

I'm feeling unsettled today and frankly, a little depressed. Fargin migraines...fargin financial foo...fargin uncertainty...russa frussa...*pout* (Am literally laughing aloud as I type out this pout-fest...i do know how ridiculous it is...but still...it helps a little so hee hee hee)

I know I'm blessed. I do! I'm so aware of the many, many blessings I have in my life every minute of every single day and somehow I'm still feeling off today. I don't like it.

It makes for a bit of mental discord and internal chaos to have so much conflicting info coming through the old brain pan this afternoon, so I've decided once again to focus on what makes me feel joyful and thankful in an effort to get it all down to the one simple place that keeps me afloat...a place of gratitude. Hooray!

I looked up the etymology of the word gratitude just now and this is what I found:

gratitude
c.1500, from M.L. gratitudo "thankfulness," from L. gratus "thankful, pleasing" (see grace).

Somehow that one should "see grace" while looking at gratitude, pleases me. I do feel like I "see grace" when I live in a state of gratitude. I live more gracefully when I do. Like the Graces smile upon me. :)

My favorite definitions of grace include:

grace
–noun

1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
3. favor or good will.
4. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
5. a virtue or excellence of divine origin
6. moral strength
7. Graces, Classical Mythology. the goddesses of beauty, daughters of Zeus and Eurynome, worshiped in Greece as the Charities and in Rome as the Gratiae.

–verb (used with object)
14. to lend or add grace to; adorn
15. to favor or honor

Synonyms:
1. attractiveness, charm, gracefulness, comeliness, ease. 4. kindness, kindliness, love, benignity; condescension. 5. lenity, leniency. 14. embellish, beautify, deck, decorate, ornament; enhance, honor.

So today, I focus on what I'm thankful for yet again and I suspect that I'll find that center I'm dancing around once I do.

With out further ado, my gratitudes in no particular order today include:

1) Allen's random words note. It has made me smile over the past few days. Thank you for that benison. ;)

2) George -- you've been so amazingly kind to me this week in particular, and many times over the past oh...what is it now NINETEEN years? Thank goodness for you! Thank you for your love and generosity, for your wisdom and your humor.

3) I'm thankful for the birthdays of so many loved and lovely people in my life that seem to occur around this time of year. Hooray for Capricorns! You're a wonderful bunch and you make up a seriously huge part of my dearest friend base! Happy Birthday Loved Ones! Many Many Happy Birthdays to come!

4) My family. I love them. Christmas with them in my home was a pure joy...though I and we all missed Nina. My house is now warmed. :)

5) Knowing how to come back to center when I feel off. I've found me. I trust me. I love me. I believe in me. I know I'm smart, kind, sexy, silly, funny, enticing, passionate, patient (oh so patient), deeply affectionate, strong, exuberant, beautiful, desirable, goofy, generous, observant, powerful, sensual, quick-witted, energetic, adventurous, endearing, wise, mighty, blessed, loving, loved and infinitely lovable. I know that I deserve happiness. I am whole. I am complete. I believe in myself and I fundamentally like myself. That means, that even on days like today, some strong part of me knows that all of that is true. This means I can always get back to happy and content...even when I have to struggle a little to get there...because at my core...at my center...that is who I am. I am a happy, contented, loving Tigger. I am Dug the dog from UP....goofy, loyal, and full of love. I am Tanya. Take me as I am, love me or don't, because what you see is what you get. In the meanwhile, I love me and I love you and so shall it be. Hear me roar!

6) Amy, Bill and Elliot -- for helping me in the past weeks to make my place a much more pleasant place to live. Thank you for helping me with all things handy. And for teaching me along the way! Also thank yous for Rock Climbing adventures and for the Athletic Playground. Because really? OMG those things are truly made of win! A million thank yous...truly.

7) I love my home. It really feels like Home. Living alone has some great moments and some lonely ones, but mostly I really enjoy it.

8) Walks on the pier at sunset and at moonrise and during full moon...and well...yeah...walks on the pier...they're so good.

9) Jen -- because you're amazing...and kind...and loving...and magnificent...and I'm so thankful that I get to see you every day at work. I don't know what I'd do without you. Truly!

10) My compatriots of New Year's Eve Silliness -- Monique, John, Drake, Griffin, Saiya, JoAnn, Barbara, Leigh, Genevieve, Cat & Peter. What a blessed way to welcome in 2010! Thank you!

11) Carma and Steph ...because really? I'm always thankful for Carma and Steph. 25+ years of friendship there and I thank my lucky stars every damned day for it!

12) Anni and James for visiting and laughter and clicky whee and good talks and yay!

13) Escaping early...because I can! Lucky 13 indeed!

I have much more to be thankful for and so many of you to thank, but I want to see that sunset happen so I'm outta here!

I wish you all love. You deserve it!

hidden by the night

Half-naked in the darkness,

Hidden by the night,
I stand in the doorway.

The pounding rain
beats a staccato rhythm
on my waiting skin.

Baptized by the clouds,
Bathed by the cool heavens,
I am soaked to my core.

As water streams across
my body in torrents
I smile.

Gasping at the onslaught
I open my hands
And bare my chest.

Into my parted lips
a benison
is poured.

I know,
without a doubt tonight,
that I am Alive.

© Tanya Anguita

A pause in the music

The dance of the heart is free form.
It has no lead and no follow.

It is inspired by the music of another
and has no set pattern.

I take three steps this way
on the floor of life
and we're dancing.

You take two steps backwards
and then
we're not.

A pause in the music.
A pause in the steps.

Eyes lock, hands touch, hips sway
and we're moving, again,
in unison.

Compelled by the rhythm
drawn into the dance willingly
both leading, and following.

Spinning with hearts on sleeves,
Gasping for breath.

And dizzy with the joy of it all.

© Tanya Anguita

Excitement and evergreen...

There is a picture window with a cushioned seat nestled under it at the top of my house of dreams. The moon shines through it comfortingly on cold winter nights, and in the late afternoon, the sunlight of my spirit sends warmth through the glass so that I, and those around me, may bask, catlike, in it's gentle beams.

"Come inside," it says. "Put your feet up," it says. "There is repast for the spirit here, and rest for the weary. I will feed and comfort you. I will embrace your hurts and sing you songs of healing joy."

There is an old arm chair on the front porch of the watchtower of my soul. It is padded with contentment and ease. It invites those I care for to rest awhile in it's abundance as it is resplendent in joy, self-knowledge, and abiding contentment.

"Relax" it says. "Enjoy" it says. "There is soothing here and sweetness. Laughter and light. Stay a while and breathe deep of all that is good and true. I will brush back the fears from your forehead and protect you from them while you sleep."

As I peer out from the fortress of my fortitude I find, once again, that the view from my soul is a pleasing one. Endless possibility is spread out before me like so many mountains, standing rugged and rough hewn, in the rays of the arching late-autumn sun. Rivers of choice run in the valleys. Waterfalls of wonder pound out any doubts. I can hear the birdsong of many joys echoing off the distant hills and I often sing along. Opportunity grows on the trees around here, and everything smells like excitement and evergreen.

© Tanya Anguita

Wanton

When I can't sleep I often write

Under veil of sacred night
Washed in need and want and worry
Words are succor; sound and fury

Want is a mischievous mistress.
Need is a capricious bitch
Longing is a sultry siren
Desire is a wanton witch.

First there's heat and then there's fire
Sometimes need. Sometimes desire
I can not sleep although I tire
Give me please, what I require!

I'm hungry once again it seems
For midnight whispers, passion's screams
For inhaled breaths that stop and catch
As our strong bodies meet and match

I can taste your mouth on mine
Hands entangled, tongues entwined
Muscles cording, skin to skin
Who ends here and who begins?

I want you on me, in me, near me
Please me, tease me, and endear me
I want to wrap myself around you
Bite you, scratch you, hips to pound you

I cannot shake this want tonight
I feel your kiss, i want your bite
I want to taste you, breathe you in
To find your heaven, live the sin.

I want to watch you lose composure
To risk it all with full disclosure
To hold back nothing, give you all
So push me up against that wall.

I'll meet you half way, you're divine
I want your body next to mine
You feel my heart, you know it's beating
Come towards me, stop retreating.

Delicious
Delectable
Luscious
Susceptible
And all I want
is you.

© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #35 -- 12/09/09

I have pretty much taken to being thankful in my head and heart most of the time these days. I also seem to be living in a state of general positivity. Because of this, I find that days and sometimes weeks go by in between writing out my gratitudes. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

The act of writing my gratitudes with regularity helped me to form the habit of living with gratefulness in my heart. The act of writing my gratitudes helped me to learn to live in a state of gratitude. Now the act of living positively is reminding me to write it out again...because sometimes having it out there in writing is a good reminder for my soul on days when I might feel a little lost in a sea of indigo...and sometimes...rarely...I can still get a little lost there...though I seem to find the map in the stars to get out again much more quickly than I used to. I like this circle of happiness...it is a good one. :)

The past months, and November, in particular, have been full of joy and craziness...pretty much in equal parts. I look at November as one big MOVING(tm) blur. Give notice, house hunt, house hunt, house hunt, pack, pack, pack, house hunt more, start Dickens Rehearsals/Workshops, continue to pack and house hunt, get closer and closer to the end of the month, still no home, have many kindly offers of sofas and guest beds, count my blessings yet again, house hunt more and finally...find a place that I love love love, turn in an application and wait for 4 1/2 days for a response...get a response that Sunday, get keys the day before Thanksgiving, pack all day on Thanksgiving, work Dickens Fair on Friday and Saturday, movers come Sunday, Monday Carma (bless her) helps me clean my old place all day and we move the final loads into my new home. Tuesday, I wake up...in my new house knowing that i'm all done with the old...

Here I am... a week and one day later, with a second weekend of Dickens Fair under my belt, my living room 95% in order, my kitchen 95% done, and my bedroom 85% done. We won't discuss the 40% done chaos that is my guest room, but really? I think I'm allowed. *grin*

I am so incredibly pleased to live here that I pretty much do a happy dance every time I walk through the front door into my home. MY home. The place where *I* live. I feel so inexorably blessed by it all! I wake up smiling most days with the thought "I live here" as a waking thought.

So I'm sitting in my now tidy living room, chatting and laughing with Anni via IM, listening to Appalachian Journey, and feeling deeply thankful for my delicious life.

Tonight I sing the gratitudes for:

1) Having a new home that I love. It actually feels like a home...not just a house...but a home. SUCH a nice feeling.

2) Movers Anonymous. These guys were amazing. From the moment I talked to Sean on the phone, to the time that Crispin and Sy took the final load into my new home...working with them was a true joy. They were smart, courteous, funny, kind and efficient....not to mention cute. ;) I recommend them to everyone moving. And they were reasonably priced. I give them a 10 out of 10.

3) Carma for being my clean up the old house companion and saviour and sanity. I do not EVEN know how to thank you enough for that. It actually made it fun and I was so thankful to get to have a day with you. SO SO SO SO grateful! Thank you! Love you so!

4)I'm very proud of myself for how I managed this whole move. I planned it out pretty well, was proactive throughout the process, and was ready for it when it happened. Subsequently it went very very smoothly. Hooray for learning from my past mistakes!

5) The incredible kindness and support everyone showed me through this process. Thank you all. Truly. It meant the world to me to have your encouragement, patience and love coming my way.

6) Getting time with Carma & Steph. So many wonderful years of friendship under the bridge for the 3 of us and being with you two *IS* being home so there was something so miraculously joyful about getting to have you over for the first meal cooked here. Thank you, thank you, thank you! What an incredible treat.

7) I'm having a great time dancing/performing with the Broadside Music Hall at the Dickens Fair again this year. It is relatively stress-free and I'm having a lot of fun. And I'm loving dancing with Le Cancan Bijou yet again. It feels so good. Hooray. Thank you all!

8) Along those lines -- Thank you, Laura.. Debuting our pants duet number on Saturday was a blast. Androgyny is fun to play with, eh? :) I think we make pretty hot boys. LOL!

9) Thank you Anni.for sharing all of the amazing dance links and for the hilarious conversation tonight. You truly rock my socks! Thank you also for reminding me that "I am grateful to myself, for choosing the path less traveled. The beauty I have found there is indescribable, and that by choosing that less traveled path, I have found my own beauty amongst the brambles in my rose covered life. "

10) Working heaters are made of win on cold winter nights!

11) Everyone who played the limerick game with me today. Thank you! What silly fun!

12) New bedding. Nothing like having a pretty bed to climb into at night to make one feel infinitely cozy and blessed!

13) Being graced with Deb's presence tonight!

14) Being graced with Liz's presence at lunch today!

15) Penguins . :)

It is now time for this wee Tanya to get some sleep. Good night all!

Tanya's Moon Trio

I.

Cloud cloaked
she sits
in the cold night sky,
wisps of cumulus wrapped
around her glowing face.
She is
star adorned
star adored
and glorious.
Breathtaking in her
waning.
Beautiful
in her slow fade.
Age suits her
and she is
magnificence incarnate.

II.

"Describe the moon"
she said to him
"Describe the moon for me!"
She asked it neat
and asked it sweet
as they stood by the sea.

So he set out to
one moonlit night
to act on her behest
and found himself at quite a loss
to fulfill her request.

He spoke it and he wrote it.
He danced it with the dawn.
He sang it and he acted it
His movements lingered on.
He shouted from the mountaintops
He painted it in beauty
He raged it to the breaking waves
And worked on it with duty.
He swayed with it, he swore with it
All in a reverent voice
He ached for it, he burned for it
He daily made a choice.

He honoured her great beauty
Paid homage to her light.
He howled to her deliciousness,
Was humbled by her might.
He laughed with her graciousness
And languished in her glory.
He canted every chant he knew -
Cajoled another story.

His actions, they were tried and true
His words magnificent and new
His paintings pure, his songs were searing
His dances divine and endearing.
He walked his talk and talked his verity
His spirit strong, defined sincerity.

As they walked on in later years
Along that self-same sea
While looking at her lovingly
He offered her this plea

“I still want to describe the moon,
Describe the moon for you!
But trying to describe the moon,
A mortal cannot do.

Trying to describe the moon --
A thing beyond compare --
Is quite like plucking birdsong
Out of the morning air.”

She tiptoed then and kissed him
And whispered in his ear
And there beneath the waning moon
Everything was clear.

She smiled at him and held him close
And held him to her breast
“Describe my kiss” she smiled at him
“And just forget the rest…”


III.

There was a young pianist named June
Who passionately loved the moon
Whether waxing or waning
She felt she was reigning
Supreme when she played “Clare de Lune”

©Tanya Anguita