Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #46 -- 9/21/10

Tonight I sing the gratitudes for:

1) Perspective

2) The calm that comes with writing these.

3) The ability to be grateful even when there is a lot going on my life that causes me to forget my gratitude for a moment.

4) A fun opening weekend and being part of a great ensemble.

5) Melissa for lending me her "baby duck" costume again this weekend. I love it and feel pretty in it and without it this weekend I'm not sure what I'd have done. Thank you.

6) Sara for her laundry help, the yummy sammich, the excellent conversation and the pleasure of her company! Only in reverse order. :)

7) A good physical therapist.

8) Clean laundry all put away

9) Cereal and chocolate almond milk. Nom!

10) The hilarity and wit of my friends. Laughter is truly one of life's greatest blessings.

And now ... sleep.

louder than a promise....

silence speaks louder
than a promise.

action is
integrity embodied

you remember your love
in a vacuum
and forget it again
in the dust.

alone in this wilderness
called uncertainty,
i once again
hone my survival skills;
eating the mysteries
in the shadows
as a strange form
of sustenance.

no words can soothe me now.

i am wild and hungry,
strong and supple,
waiting for the fight
that doesn't come.

you have abandoned my hope;

left it like an orphan
in a reed boat
to float down the
raging river of
brokenheartedness.

so accustomed to these waters
that i can navigate them blindfolded,
i am still
incapable
of avoiding the rocks
of personal destruction
that stand
at the bottom like jagged teeth
waiting to consume me.

live your words
or do not speak them.

Do or just don't...

how dare you
feed me raw untruth
and try to masquerade
it as a delicacy?

why squander the air
it takes to utter
pretty lies?

don't waste your breath.

i'm saving my heart,
for something worthy.

they say that familiarity
breeds contempt...

tonight
i know
you
better
than you know
yourself.

© Tanya Anguita

Bed of Inquiries

in ghostly whispers

that come unbidden at midnight,

i hear echoes of your laughter

and, for an instant,

the distinct and present feeling

of a hand brushing gently

against my hungry skin

when Memory falls over me like this --

tripping on words unsung,

actions never acted upon,

phrases unturned --

i am left with a

dull dissatisfaction

and the need for closure

where there is none.

when does peace come?

where does solace rest?

how does longing become fulfillment?

my patience lies panting and tattered

on the side of the road,

exhausted by the questions that

run me ragged at the witching hour.

questions unanswerable

questions unavoidable

questions that haunt me

in the stronghold

of Nyx's darkened realm.

questions that,

like her,

are born of Chaos.

where and how do i find hope

for my unknown future

when 20/20 hindsight

is all that is afforded to me?

how do I approach my invisible destiny

with eyes wide open,

a blinder-free spirit ,

a heart unfettered by fear

a determination filled with willing gentleness?

in the dark-outside

the telephone wires hum

with the dreams and doubts of others,

the skies sing a hymn

with a chorus of stars,

the moon exhales

a quiet breath as she wanes

and I?

I lay silent in my bed of inquiries

with a pillow of active thought for my

restless head,

praying that the lullaby

of the cosmos

will sing me swiftly,

soothingly,

into the

loving arms

of Morpheus.

© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Postive #45 -- 8/19/10

Today without preamble my gratitudes include:

1) Picking blackberries at Chris and Jen's with Jen and Tuffy and the happiness that it brought me to be in their company. :)

2) Learning how to make Challah bread. Now I've done it once I know how long it takes, what not to do again (heh!), what to do a little differently, etc.

3) Homemade blackberry jam and plum jam on toast! NOM NOM NOMMITY NOM!

4) The fact that as I started typing this earlier today that there was blue sky out my window at work. Oh how I've missed blue sky this "summer".

5) 8/9/10 and how strangely happy dates and times like that make me. Here's a great story along those lines: http://news.yahoo.com/video/cincinnati-wlwt-18191085/girl-born-on-8-9-10-at-11-12-21349417

6) Getting to see Kirsten while she was here visiting from New Zealand. Meeting Nik at last, and meeting Nicola and Gerry was also a treat. Add Katie & Michael time into the mix and I'm a happy little camper. Hooray!

7) Having a tidy desk at work.

8) Gratitudes that take a few days to write.

9) Paciencia y fe... :)

10) Roses

11) Fun books that keep me up reading too late.

12) Finding an old journal that I've been looking for for months. There is a song that I wrote in it that I've been wanting to revisit. Hooray!

13) Anni coming up tomorrow! Hooray!

14) Knowing that tomorrow is Friday at long last. This week has been loooooooooooooooooong!

15) A lovely day with Robin on Saturday was good for my spirit. :) Thank you!

16) So much good in the way of Amy, Michelle, Monique, Barbara, & Daniel in the past week or two. I'm wealthy in my friends! So wealthy!

17) An amazing evening of Family Goodness! Yay and Happy Birthday again Nina! I'm so lucky in my family. I love them AND like them. YAY!

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #44 -- 8/6/10

Here I am again. Donning my thankfulness like a silken gown and reveling in the softness of it as it brushes against my life. Yum!

Today my song of gratitudes include:

1) Bunnies. They are soft and sweet and in the case of this wee rescue bunny, friendly and adorable. I fell in love with this little creature, but I have also learned the valuable lesson that bunnies require more attention than I can give them with my lifestyle. And so, sad as it made me I started thinking that I needed to find the bunny a home elsewhere. All of this falls under the heading of valuable life lesson. I'm thankful for this.

2) The Wee Bunny's owner showing up to take said bunny home Tuesday night. Hooray! Celebrations abounding! Yippee! Justin is a cool guy and Gus (the bunny) really belongs with him. :) Hooray for the small miracles in life.

Gus!

3) Having a good neurologist. Finally. Dr. Quintana for the win.

4) Getting to see the brilliance of Terrybug's performance at the Lesher Center. I'm so proud of you, Sweet One. And of all of your co-stars. What a talented bunch you are and please tell Storm that I was serious about her amazing-ness. She's remarkable and so are you! Love you! Soverymuch!

5) Returning to center. It is a nice place to be. I like it here and I like me when I'm here. Phew.

6) Being reminded how important kindness is to me. Daily, patient kindness is an amazing gift to experience in one's life.

7) (Sorry gents!) Good bra fittings with a kind person helping me out. Ladies ... I recommend Kathleen Decker at the Nordstrom on Market Street in SF. I'm daunted by what I learned (oy..buying bras isn't going to be easy going forward), but she rocked, made it fun and easy, had a great sense of humor and was generally wonderful!


8) Fun hats are fun!

Just bought the cutest hat ever!

9) Step the next in the Prop 8 saga. I'm so incredibly happy that Judge Walker over turned it. It is a step in the right direction and an important one. The fight isn't over, but this first step was SO important and so necessary. Hooray! Hooray for Love. Hooray for love love love!

10) Not having a fractured left foot as I thought I might. Now I get to figure out why it hurts so much, but at least it isn't broken. Woohoo!

11) Time with beloved friends. :)

12) Unexpected evenings to one's self and recognizing that I will be happier just staying home despite all of the fun options happening out "there" tonight. It has been a full few weeks and some "me" time is exactly what the Tanya needs. :) Phew. I think I may try my hand at making blackberry jam tonight. Wish me success. :)

13) Being at a place in my life where I not only revel in spending time alone, but finally recognize that I need time to myself like I need good sleep, good food and water. It is a necessary thing for my well-being and I really enjoy my own company. It took me a long time to get here, but I'm so glad I've arrived. :)

14) The sweet sweet sound of the pop of the lids on my new canned blackberry jam being sealed. HOORAY! POP!

15) Domestic Goddessitude! It can be so gratifying! Sharing that glee via FB with others tonight was a lot of fun too.


16) The music of Owain Phyfe ...

The wonderful Owain Phyfe...If you haven't heard his music you're missing out!

Let me say it again...His voice is clear and true. His cds are amazing and beautiful. And he is a wonderful, wonderful man which only makes it that much more delightful to listen to him. You can buy his cds here: http://www.cdbaby.com/group/nightwatch I have "Tales from the Vineyard" and "Where Beauty Moves and Wits Delights" and they're both delicious!

17) Not having to go to work tomorrow. :)

Hooray for thankfulness! Hooray! Hooray!

love is written

love is written on his body
in petals softer than silk --
a crimson proclamation
against alabaster skin.

fragility written on strength
strength written on fragility

a fitting tribute to
the jealous moon
who anxiously awaits
her due homage
in the late july sky

she is full tonight
and so am i.

praise be
to kindness

all hail
gentleness!

revel in
the openness
and celebrate
the realization

that sometimes

love
[in rose petals]
[filled with laughter]
[overflowing with grace]
[laid patiently on waiting skin]

is all that i need.

© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #43 -- 7/21/10

Ah yes...the sweet balm of gratitude...one that is so easy to apply and so often forgotten when the world goes a little dark...thank goodness for thankfulness, eh? I love writing these.

Sometimes my life and my ADHD get in the way of my remembering this/allowing me to do so

(HECK, I wrote this 5 days ago but forgot to POST it because I kept meaning to add photos! LOL),

but I want to start writing these regularly again. ( Regularly being whatever feels right to me. :)) I don't need to make a production effort out of it. They don't have to be novellas (though if I know myself at all, they're often likely to be LOL). I just need to write my gratitudes out as a reminder to myself to breathe in the good that is my life. And there is so much good. Gratitude is truly my natural resting place.

I fell off of my center for a little while there, but continued and continue to recognize that living in gratitude brings me closer to calm than almost anything else in the world does or can. I'm so glad that I rarely lost sight of that. I rest in gratitude. I relax there. I find me in the middle of my gratitude. I find joy and strength. I find all of you. I find over and over again that I have so much to be thankful for that it is almost daunting.

I have an embarrassment of riches in my friends. I need to say that again....I have an embarrassment of riches in YOU, my amazing, kind, generous, brilliant, funny, human, quirky, present, lovable, loved and loving friends. Yes. YOU!

I take a moment now to say thank you for your love and patience and kindness. To say thank you for your words of wisdom, your humour, your perspective and your unabashed support. You are really, and truly, the most amazing gift in my life, and I'm SO incredibly thankful to and for you.

You are my biggest gift. My most humbling and my most appreciated Gifts. My life, without you, is not worth thinking about.

So yes...today's positives (which will likely number somewhere between 5-10) start with:

1) I'm thankful for the people in my life. I can't say it more clearly than that so I'll just leave it at that. I'm thankful for the people in my life. That sentence is a prayer and a mantra and a blessing all wrapped up in one sentiment, and to it and to you, I say Namaste and Amen. *grin*

2) Humour. Hoo boy am I thankful for humour. Blessed, beautiful, belly-shaking, sanity-preserving humour.

3) Perspective. A blessing when I can find it and a nice thing to be offered kindly by those you trust. Something more easily achieved with 20/20 hindsight, but still...so good.

4) Discovering again the funny fun that is the fine line between Craft and Crack. Michael's is a crack pusher for anyone who has a craft addiction. Sunday afternoon proved this to me as a "quick stop at Michael's" turned into an hour adventure. We left looking like the cloth flower dept had attacked us. Between said flowers, felt, hair clips, some glue sticks for the hot glue gun, beads, a couple of pendants and some wire cutters, Katie and I have now have many more hair flowers than we did when we started... and every time I walk into my house since I find myself fighting the urge to plug in the glue gun to make more! LOL! Hooray!

5) Being reminded by kind friends that is okay to have the occasional grumpy day. Sounds silly, but sometimes I forget that it is ok to wallow in a bad day as long as I don't spend my life mired in that sensation. Thanks for letting me know that I don't have to be Princess Perkypants all the time. It is kind of a relief to have external validation for that.

6) The relief that comes with the grumpy leaving. I love that strange calm that happens when a bad mood dissipates of its own accord. Such a relief. Phew.

7) The fact that as of tomorrow I will have achieved my goal of being in this job for 2 years. I needed a good solid chunk of time on my resume and now I have one again. Just in time for me to really realize how much I hate it here. LOL. Now for a job that is fulfilling or at least lucrative and not-soul-sucking working for and with people I like and respect who also like and respect me, and treat me like the adult I am. Hmmm...time for some affirmations in that department I think. Time for a healthy change.

8) Fresh flowers in my home. They make everything more cheerful. Including me. :)

9) Girl weekends full of light and love and laughter. Thanks to Anni, Laura, Cybele, Monique & Eileen for all making it out to brunch at Nona's and to Joreth for treating and feeding us so beautifully! :) What a gift it was to be with all of you at once. What a delicious, delicious gift. Also thanks to Marc, Alejandra, Roxanne, Maurice, Molly, Anni, Laura & Cybele for silliness and delight at the DCI competition and the ensuing joy of Chevy's afterwards. What a great afternoon! Marc you were truly awesome! What a treat!

10) Kaellie and Rachel for showing me that swing dancing can still pack a good sized room on a Friday night, and for your kind hospitality and for a generally lovely time. Hooray!

11) Chris and Jen for hosting a wonderful, laid back, sociable, and generally delectable July 4th weekend at their amazing home. Hooray for you two and Hooray for Maggie the sheep that sounds like she's smoked 4 packs of cigarettes and consumed a 5th of whiskey before breakfast when she baaaaaahs at you! LOL So fabulous!

12) Watching my various amazing communities rally around friends who need assistance with things they can't afford, can't do on their own, need help with because we have no socialized medicine, etc.

These things run the gamut from the basics like moving help and "gee i need boxes", to full scale fundraisers for medical bills for a wonderful woman, performer and massage therapist who blew her knee out and needs help with the medical costs.

BTW, PLEASE CONSIDER COMING OUT FOR THIS EVENT! IT WILL BE A VERY FUN EVENING!!! ( http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=588704218#!/event.php?eid=129831160383035&ref=ts )

They vary in amazing ways and go from house work and housepainting, to helping a friend feel beautiful again by raising money for her to get new boobs.

And then of course there was the majesty of shaving one's body hair and putting on a dress (looking at you Bill Roper!to raise over $3000 for RESCU (http://www.rescufoundation.org/ ),

It is remarkable to watch people do good things for each other selflessly and with such joy and gusto. It gives me heart and a great deal of thankfulness when the world sometimes feels like it has gone mad with greed and corruption.

Thank you to all of you for the small things and the big things you all do for me and for each other. It really does make the world a more beautiful and much richer place. Just....thank you. :)

Namaste.

© Tanya Anguita