Before the Exhale

when silence is comfort
when alone-ness is not loneliness
when stillness is an act of grace

this is the eye in the storm,
the pause before the exhale,
the quiet prior to the thunder clap.

now is the time.
this is the moment.

refill your cup from the well of peacefulness,
breathe in the sweet scent of solitude,
savor the soundless-ness of serenity

for tranquility,
my friend,
is fleeting;


and peace of spirit,
is a blessing from the gods.
 
© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #62 -- April 28, 2011

  


It has been a quiet month for writing for me.  I miss it.  So here I am at midnight, writing my gratitudes instead of sleeping.  *wry smile*

I'm feeling proud of myself for small life gestures that get me where I want to go.

I'm remembering that the baby steps are, in and of themselves, valuable. They are the small, daily miracles that move us ever forward on our journey and are so often overlooked. Thank goodness they exist. I am finally starting to appreciate them for themselves. It is a lovely feeling.

The sun has been shining again of late and it is making me smile.  I love the rain, but I also love cool, crisp, Spring, skirt-wearing days!  :)  Hooray!

I have so much to be thankful for.  So much.  And I am thankful moment by moment, hourly, daily....it is finding the time to write about it that I find difficult.  I'm feeling over-calendared and overwhelmed and I still don't know how to balance it all.  I'm so wealthy in friends and in activities and I'm thankful beyond belief for you and for them.  I just need to learn to build in more time for me to contemplate my navel and to write and breathe and dream and think. 

Speaking of dreams....wow....my dreams have been working double time this month.  This past couple of weeks have kicked my butt sideways such that my dream life has gotten very bizarre of late. And by bizarre I mean "Freud would get a hard on for my dreams" weird.  It is nice to be remembering dreams again...I'd just like it if the "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?  Brain?  Where on earth did THAT come from?" factor would mellow out a little.  *grin*

In other news, I'm feeling good in my skin again and loving the me that I am.  Taking the 148 stairs in my office every time I think about it.  It seems to average out to somewhere between 2 -5 times a day.  Walking a lot and hopefully regaining some of my health in the process.  After months of forced inactivity it feels really good to be moving in some way again...physically, psychically, and emotionally.  Baby steps are still steps and they are good.

Let me say that again:  Baby Steps Are Still Steps and They Are Good!!

So since I'm all over the map tonight, let me sing my gratitudes tonight as follows:


1) My weekend of Ani with Anni. What an amazing couple of days. So much love, so much warmth, so much comprehension and ease, so much connection....so much. Thank you, Anni. *sniff* *sniff* ;) 

2)Thank you also to the Divine Laura Bee for coming to play with us!  Such a treat to get time with you two!

3) Feeling good in my skin again.  Coming back to the me I like and love and respect.  I wrote a piece about that the other day.  Maybe I'll post it later. :)

4) Baby steps.  I loves them. :)

5) Feeling confident in my photography again.  Enjoying it and feeling good about the results I'm seeing.  Knowing that I have on days and off days, but the on days are on more often and the off days are becoming fewer and further between.

6) Making music.  Singing more.  Learning the uke.  I learned something that most of you probably already know, but somehow I'd missed in my uke class a couple of weeks ago.  I had somehow managed to miss the correlation between the vibration of sound and the correlation to the vibration of colour.  So we see what we hear and we hear what we see.  How did I not know about this?  All I know is that I'm tickled to be learning about it now.  Much more reading to be done on the subject soon, methinks! It speaks so beautifully to my musical self and to my photographic light and colour loving self.

7) Learning new things.  Every day that I learn something new is a great day.

8) This quote: "When you make peace with yourself, you make peace with the world." - Maha Ghosananda

9) Getting time with Annalisa and her wonderful family in the company of my beloved Mom this past Monday.  I have known her my whole life.  Literally.  And I love her and am completely in love with her kids. 


10) Celebrating Carma's birthday.  We've been friends for "mumbledy mumble" years and I can't wait for "mumbledy mumble" more. *grin*


11) Laura's visit and getting to share some clicky whee knowledge with her.  Thank goodness for soul sisters. 


12) Holly and Jolie and re-patterning. So good.  


13) Mercury going direct. :)


14) Getting to go home tomorrow for the weekend.  Can't wait!  YAY!


15) Discovering the amazingness of Ari Hest and this song in particular:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=144Pz4gOOHA&feature=share  Because it speaks to me.


16) Healthy re-potted plants.  I love it when I can help green things grow and thrive.


And on that note, I'm going to sleep.   :) 

Coming Back

i am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many years
at the front of a war
i did not choose.

celebrating my homecoming
with loved ones,
over shared bread and laughter;

wine and roses
a feast for the senses
after fasting for far too long.

=====================

I am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many months
of a solitary confinement
i did not deserve.

weeping with relief and gratitude
at the gift of clean air
and cool light on my skin

the sight of beloved faces
a not-so-small kindness that
enfolds me in its comfort
after tireless touch-hungry days
in the darkness.

=====================

i am coming back to myself
after what feels like
too many nights
lost in the wilderness
with no map to guide me.

enjoying again
the gently sloping landscape
of my confidence;

small mountain flowers
tucked gracefully
into cracks in the granite.

=====================

i am coming back to myself;
to the wild leanings
of my soul

frolicking
with the mountain goats in my fertile heart;
swimming
in the newly-thawed lakes of awakening,

the wind in my spirit
whistles a jaunty tune
as it dances through the alpine trees
that sway too and fro by dawn's light.

=====================

i am coming back to myself;
to the contented me
that i wear like a well-worn sundress

easy and soft to the touch,
smelling like Summer and satisfaction,
i accept myself,
with all of my faults and glories,
exactly as i am.
right now.
today.

=====================

i am coming back to myself
to the beloved me
that is like an open kitchen window
on baking day,

enticement in the form of
warm pie and completeness

sending the sweet scent of
abundance and welcome
wafting over the meadows nearby.

=====================

i am coming back to myself.
seeing
sunlight in the shadows,
windows in the architecture,
light where light hasn't shone for a long time.

=====================

i am coming back to myself
finding
empathy in every exchange
and love in every corner.

wakening,
from van-winkle-like sleep,
to the sensuality
that i feared dead.

embracing desire.

wanting again
in the still of the night.

=====================


i am coming back to myself
appreciating my strength
applauding my talents
accepting compliments
thankful
for everyone and everything.

=====================

i am coming back to myself

with gentleness as a mantle
with humor as my flashlight
with a truth i thought i had forgotten
with compassion overflowing my outstretched hands.

=====================

i am coming back to myself
with patience as my guide
with willingness my lodestone
with knowledge of my value
with grace;
owning my beauty

=====================

i am coming back to myself
with confidence
with integrity
with respect
with belief.

i am coming back to myself.
with love.

© Tanya Anguita.

reflections

an apology at the witching hour
a year late and
far more than a paltry dollar short

i am here.
alone with my thoughts.
haunted by fading ghosts.

looking in the mirror
i don't see myself,
i see you.

your actions
inform my reflection;

altering what i saw a year ago,


into something wiser
perhaps a little warier;
bone-weary from your storm.

heartache,

carved into my skin,

sits tight around my mouth,
in lines deep and wounded;
furrowed by sleeplessness and sorrow.


pain inflicted
shows
in my
now-shuttered
eyes.

am i lonely tonight?

yes.

are you?


my sense of purpose,
blackened in the fallout,
is bruised.

the salve,

a blossoming belief
that it was not me,

applied liberally
morning and night,
turns the throbbing purple
of those hurts
to a pale yellow
almost invisible
to the unaware,
but still sometimes
painful
to the touch.

admire the laughter that lingers
in my proud crows' feet .


new skin
growing
over old wounds.


i remind myself

that

i am good
i am kind

i can not live with myself
if i can not forgive you....

can i?

are you banking on that?

you who toyed
with my gentle heart
for your own amusement.

you
who broke me like no other has
with your shocking selfishness.

you
who use others
in an attempt to fill the gaping hole
that you have not learned to fill yourself.

your ever-hungry ego,
searching for strokes
when what you need most
is
to love,
and
to like
you.

can you?

are you able?
do you know selflessness?
are you brave enough
to face yourself?

the me emerging from the mirror
hopes,
for your sake,
that you are.

the me in the glass,
that pushes past you to see herself,
says prayers
for your awakening.

the me in the glass,
mistreated by you,
is trying to wish you well.

help me out here,
narcissus,
tell me
how am i to forgive you so easily?

is my heart that big?
can i be?
am i capable?

i am.

i love.
i release.
i forgive.

both of us.


forgiving you
releases me

and my heart flies free
to sing again.

© Tanya Anguita

A Ship Called Memory

cast adrift
on a turbulent sea of thought

gasping for air
as waves of emotion
CRASH
over the bow
of this ship
called Memory.

it is a dark and stormy night
on this ocean of recollection,
and i am,
once again,
lost in a squall
of reminiscence and regret;
falling overboard into the sea of sorrows;
drowning in the now-ancient ghosts
of loves ruinous and unrequited.

shall i

swim for the shore,
or let the raging waters
pull me under?

fight the seductive current,
or go, like a brave sailor,
to my fate?

if i

relinquish choice,
i will breath in the salty ache
that will lead me to my destruction

if i

release free will,
the cold words
that dragged me down
towards my not-so-swift demise
will rise up again to consume me

if i

accept as mine
the actions of another,
that left my ego bleeding
alongside the rocky shore of my now-torn sensuality,
i will never recover from them.

instead,
in the
all-encompassing ocean
of hurts unshared,

i pray...

for silence
for salvation

listening, listening,
as i drown in remembrance,
for the siren song
of the words i
most wished
to hear
all those pain-filled months ago.

there is a weighty silence
in answer to my prayer
as i sink
sink
sink
into the anguish
that comes from the past
yet seems to be
all around me.

i flail,
reaching out

for my equilibrium,
for my faith,
for the return of a
world turned upright again.

despair
-- dark and winsome --
winds itself seductively around my heart,
as resignation attempts to attach itself
to my fight-weary psyche.

my lungs,
filled with the stale air
of unsaid truths,
threaten to burst.

i hit bottom.

there is no light.

all is silent.

in the waiting stillness,
a small clear voice
sings truth;
weaving a safety net
with the sureness of its
gentle veracity.

"true love," it hums

"will not weigh you down,
or cut your soul to ribbons."

"true love," it croons,

"love that is
healthy, honest, and open,
is no anchor.
it would never drag you with it
into the deep!"

"true love," it reminds me,

"love that sustains, supports, communicates,
and is given freely,
is buoyant and beautiful!"

"true love" it sings with clarity,
"is a lifeboat,
waiting to take you on board."

reveling in that verity,
i kick against the hurt,
fight the sorrows,
refuse the plate of bitterness
in the overwhelming darkness
at the bottom of this muddied ocean.

Up, up, up
I swim,
towards truth and confidence,
towards honesty and kindness,
past the snaggle-toothed sea-monsters
named fear and doubt,
past the bleeding creatures from the deep
named insecurity-bred-of-cruelty and defeat.

Gasping,
I break the surface of my tattered ego
to breathe once again
the soothing air
of strength,
of beauty,
of grace,
of Self.

Praising
the sky,
the cool wind
in my sun-warmed hair,
and the lifeboat
that i now carry with me always
in my gentle, gracious heart.

© Tanya Anguita

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #61 -- 3/16/11

Remembering to find things to be positive about feels a little tough right now. They feel a little hard to come by. And yet, they're there. I know they are. They're right here, even.

You see, I'm sitting here, having just watched a few miraculous videos of a handful of lucky survivors of the Japanese quake and tsunami being reunited. I'm crying like a baby.

I've been consumed by the videos, photos, and news media of this tragic example of Mother Earth's might, and am reeling still with the shock of it all. In addition, there is the ongoing fear that is walking hand in hand with the state of the nuclear plants there.

Plus there is the fear that is instilled in me that California could very easily be next. We're overdue for a huge quake here, by some large number of years it seems, and frankly, we are ill prepared for it.

That tsunami was 4 stories tall and went SIX MILES inland. The quake moved the island of Japan 8 feet and made the planet shift 4 inches on its axis. How do you prepare for something like that? I mean really?

So I'm sitting here after several days of media inundation (even without owning a television), feeling helpless to do much besides send money and finding myself feeling fearful and losing sight of the many, many things I have to be thankful for. Today. Right now. This instant.

I am also reminded that I need to, er no, that I will be putting together survival boxes this week. One for my car, one for work, one for home. Carma told me that in the N.E.R.T. training she did that they said to be sure to put work gloves and garbage bags into the kit which would never have occurred to me but strikes me as brilliant. Onto the list they go.

I suppose some of my weepy, fearfulness comes from the fact that I'm also ill...again. Not badly this time thankfully, just achey, snuffy, mildly sore-throatish and a little listless. At least the mild fever seems to be gone today....which means I'm headed in the right direction. Hooray!

My mild illness is small potatoes in the light of what is going on everywhere else in the world right now, but I do know that it affects my psyche.

So yeah...gratitude. I can haz some now? :) Umyespleez. :)

Without further prattling, today I'm singing my gratitudes as follows:

1) I'm very, incredibly, deeply thankful that I know where my friends and family are for the most part and that for the most part they're doing ok.

2) I am also very, incredibly, deeply thankful for the basic amenities that I so often forget to give thanks for, and yet still try not to take for granted. I have a home (albeit a temporary one) to go to. I have food to eat. I can go to the grocery store and to the pharmacy. I can put fuel in my vehicle or take mass transit easily. Health care is expensive I'm blessed enough to have it. I have an income. I have access to my phone and to computer and to many forms of communication. Truly, I am blessed and thankful.

3) On a frivolous note, I'm taking my first beginning ukulele class tonight. I'm thankful that this is happening and that I can walk there from Katie & Michael's. I'm excited to check this wee instrument out. Hooray for the mighty uke!

4) Holly, who today asked a loaded question and didn't shy away when I gave my equally loaded answers/emotionally barfed at her. Thank you, Holly. Truly. Thank you.

5) Simple pleasures.

6) Buying comfy walking shoes at The Walk Shop so that I can start doing SOME form of exercise again. Selena was incredibly helpful and knowledgeable and I have comfy, comfy shoes on my feet.

7) Renewing my interest in photography in a tangible way. I have actually been shooting almost every day and it feels so good! Did a shoot in the pouring rain for a friend's new website on Sunday, and while it was cold and very wet, it was also very satisfying to find out that she really loves the images. I feel like I have more consistent control over the quality of my images and that feels really good. I still make many mistakes, but, as my friend Deb is fond of saying "progress, not perfection."

8) The inspiration afforded to me by other photographers. These days I follow these blogs because I not only like their work but their voices:

Karen Russell:
My life...just not on the road I expected (but it's still dang good).

Erin Cobb:
The PigBear »

Denise Birdsong-Zavala -- Modern Love Photography:
http://www.modernlovephotography.com/

Jasmine Star:
Jasmine Star Photography Blog

Ashley Ann Photography:
ashleyannphotography.com » Under the Sycamore

Kiss The Groom:
kiss the groom


9) My mostly girl-gang of clicky whee (a strange code phrase for photography fun). Thanks lovely people for photo-geeking with me.

10) Having my ladybug rain boots in the car on Sunday during the photo shoot. Hooray!

Back now from my evening adventures and in a much better mood so let me add these and go to bed:

11) The uke class was fun and quirky. I look forward to more and am very thankful.

12) Taking a brisk 30 minute walk was all that it took to put my head on straighter tonight. I need to remember that. Yes, yes I do. SO thankful for the reminder though. It felt great to move fast and to get my heart rate up.

13) Adobe Lightroom is proving to be the bomb for photography organization and simple processing. Once I get the hang of it I think it will really rock things for me, but even with the steep learning curve, I'm loving it.

14) Knowing when to stop for the night.

Her name is Lilo. :)

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive #60 -- 3/10/11

Here I am again. Prepared to prattle. Prepped to parse. Peppy and perky. Well, maybe not actually peppy and perky, but particularly pleased with the pepper in my paprikash and proud to partake of your pecan pieeeee. (And apparently terrifically fond of words that start with "P". *grin*)

I love alliteration. It trips happily off of my tongue and it makes me giggle. Tee-freaking-hee. I'm a little slap-happy today, can you tell?

Returned Sunday night from 4 magnificent days in Colorado with dear friends and am having a hard time with re-entry today. Feeling a bit overwhelmed and remembering why I like leaving town so much and why I have such a hard time returning to my work and to my life and that is leaving me with rather dismal feelings. I feel so unsettled everywhere in my life and I am really, really not enjoying this sensation.

The good news is that I do actually recognize that I have infinite possibility laid out before me and that I just have to figure out what route to take to move forward.

The bad news comes in the form of a joke two of my best friends made and modified about me some years ago. One said "How do you starve a Libra? Send her to an open refrigerator and tell her she can have anything that she wants." The other shortened it to "Hand her a menu." *wry grin* It wouldn't be so funny and so painful if it weren't true. Too many options with no direction leaves me feeling like a deer in the headlights. I end up feeling stuck. Trust me, I am very aware that the journey of a thousand miles started with one small step, but I'm never sure which way I should be facing, whether I've got the right shoes on, or where it is I'm trying to go.
Which, thankfully, brings me right back around to thankfulness that I do have choices and that fact makes me incredibly blessed. :) Ahhh...circular thinking...how I love thee. Not. ;)

At any rate, I was recently reminded by examples beautifully set by Dominic, Rico and Laura, to write my gratitudes and so here I am. And y'know? They help before I even get to the part where I express my gratefulness. Heh. (At least I amuse myself, eh?)

January was a bumpy month. Illness, family illness, and general exhaustion from both. February, well...it seemed to follow suit...and quite frankly, I'm tired. I need to remember what I'm thankful for. I think I've lost sight of that again. Oy...re-upping the positivity quotient now...getting back into the habit. (Why is it so easy to fall into the habit of negative thought and so tough sometimes to stick with positive thought? Hmmmm....)

The other night Michael, Katie, Will and I decided that there should be a secret month added between February and March...we call it Extra-ruary. It has 45 days and can only be used for catching up on looming projects, sleep deficits, the up until the first of Extra-ruary to-do list, and all of those "I wish there were 28 hours in the day" sorts of things. Think it will catch on? I do. ;)

Without further prattling, today I sing my gratitudes for:

1) Spending a magnificent 4 days with Michelle & Tim and their wonderful daughters Annaliese and Chiara. So much ease, good laughter, giggling girls, fantastic camera geeking, playing "Flower" with Tim and turning 5 again, superb conversations, and just an all around wonderful time. I remembered what relaxing felt like. It felt good. Thank you all so much for being so wonderful as to have me in your lives for a few days. I love you all so very much!

2) Dominic, Rico and Laura for the reminder to do this.

3) Fantastic conversations with my beloved sister-in-law-and-spirit Heather. Thank you for being who you are and for everything that you're doing and for your beautiful ability to express yourself so clearly. I love you so!

4) Deep breathing. Today I am thankful for deep breathing. I think it may be the only thing that gets me through the day. Well...that and remembering gratitude. *wry smile*

5) Finding that I forgot to post this and getting to finish it now. :)

6) Ups and downs. They remind me that life is cyclical and that when I'm in a downswing, that I'm not there forever.

7) The faith that my friends have in me. I'm so blown away by and so thankful for this.

8) Time with Monique and Eileen. What a blessed evening!

9) Long walks and talks with Amy.

10) Getting an evening with Stephanie and Daphne! So easy and so good. Can't believe it had been so many years since I'd seen Daphne, because it was so easy to be with her!

12) The Isabelle Borchgrave and Arthur Szyk Exhibits at the Legion of Honor. What a revelation that whole day was! A lovely brunch and dinner with Deirdre, bumping into Karen & John, and the added bonus of amazing art and time with wonderful women. Such a gift!

I love these women! :)