All photos and content © Tanya Anguita.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

giving in to the negative...just this once...don't read if you don't like angry whining ...

tonight i can't find the positive. i'm angry and sad and frustrated and think that whatever deities are out there that dislike my happiness and the happiness of my friends can go fuck themselves in their god-like asses. i'm resentful. this year has been such a son-of-a-bitch for everyone i know and i'm angry about it.

i'm tired of watching my friends lives get buggered sideways over and over again, and frankly, i'm tired of being fucked sideways with sand and gravel for lube too.

this year has had a lot of good in it, and i give thanks for that fact...and i do so wholeheartedly. i don't take the good for granted and most days i try to live with that at the forefront of my mind, but frankly, as a whole? this year has truly sucked. there has been too much heartache, too much constant stress, too much upheaval, too much nastiness, too much hurtfulness, too much death, too much illness,too much deceit, too many hurts, and far too much pain and self-doubt caused by shitty behavior on other people's parts. seriously. fuck that noise!

we all deserve a little comfort and happiness and we all deserve a break. my friends and i deserve to be financially stable, to have jobs, to be able to buy and not lose our houses, to be able to believe in, trust and rely on the partners we've chosen. we deserve to be able to feed ourselves and our families. we deserve good health for ourselves and our loved ones, and we deserve care and treatment that won't bankrupt us along the way to get there.

let the whining commence:

i spent my morning being given electrical shocks which were followed by being jabbed by a metal wire that was supposed to "hear" how my muscles/nerves are working together. and you know what? it fucking hurt and it made me cry and the news i got from it is that i definitely have nerve damage at C6 that is causing some muscle deterioration in my left arm. so i've been told that i can't yet do any physical exercise beyond walking and that i need to "be careful" so that i can "avoid back surgery, if possible." oh fucking joy. i get to find out what that really means on november 5. i love so much that my doctor is so busy that I have to wait another 3 freaking weeks before I get clear results.

after that little adventure i trekked to work today like a good kid, and found out i'd fucked up on billing something, and that i'd forgotten to book a room for an important meeting. the good news on those things is that i got old billings reduced and reversed by asking the right questions and i booked a better, more neutral room for the very charged meeting. good from bad, but still. i hate it when i make dumb mistakes.

and then? then, i got a phone call from princess-rubs-her-pregnant-belly-while-manipulating-me telling me that escrow closes on friday for the place i live and and that she'd like to come over this weekend (hahahahahaha!) to chat about the "upcoming transition." well fuck me! i don't "want" to "chat" with you about anything, woman!

what part of I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING MOVE has the universe missed? i'm tired of moving. i've done it so many times in the past few years and i don't want to do it again. I haven't even lived here a year yet. November 25 is my 1 year anniversary of living here. i love my place. it is the right size, it feels like home, there is lots of light, i feel safe here, and i have lovely sunsets every night. it is also the right price for me. i've looked every couple of days for other places just in case, and there is nothing comparable. not. one. thing. not that i can afford anyway. arrrrrrrrrgh!

plus, with my neck damage, i can't do the packing and lifting that is necessary to do the moving thing. in addition, i can't afford to move. with my stupid job i can't afford to save. wtf am i supposed to do?

i'm so tired of being stressed out all of the damned time. so so so so tired of it. i know i'm not alone in this. i see it in so many of the beloved faces i'm blessed to be surrounded by. it breaks my heart that so many of us are so damaged by this year. i'm so tired of watching my dear friends also being on the brink of breakdown at all times. i have so many good people in my life. and i am a good person. i want life to treat them and me accordingly. we deserve some lasting good to balance out all of the hell and mayhem we've been through.

And today...for just one 5 minute malicious increment...i also want the people who treat others poorly, who use them for their own gain, who break friendship rules, who back out of commitments with no communication, who feed their egos at others' expenses, and who don't live with integrity...I want those people to have karma bite them in the ass. 5 minutes...i'm allowing my vindictive poisonous self to speak. sometimes my inner bitch gets to come out to play too...and today...i'm feeling rabid. stand the fuck back.

i just want things to calm down. for life to stop throwing everyone i know major curve-balls. i want to sleep and wake up rested, instead of having nightmares and waking up feeling like i've been working out the problems of the universe in my not so restful sleep.

As Shari R. Barr says "Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." but still...I can hope, right? I have to be able to live with myself so I do my best to live with integrity and kindness in my heart, but some isn't easy...and today? is one of all of the stressors I've been trying to work around in my heart and head feel like lots of straw on this poor camel's back and today? well i have to can go fuck itself...with sand and cayenne lube. Yes. Yes it can.

Photo by D. Chris Bishop

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